RECEPTIONIST
May I help you?
JOSH
Yes, I’m Josh, he’s Andrew, and today is our first day.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh congratulations! Although, you seem a little old for this place, have you really yet to see a doctor?
DOCTOR (approaching, addressing the receptionist)
They volunteer here now, I must have forgotten to tell you. They’ll be entertaining the kids while they wait.
ANDREW
Volunteer?
DOCTOR
It’s a paid volunteer opportunity.
JOSH
I don’t think those exist.
ANDREW
Also is this the kind of place where kids with colds come in, or is everyone just here for their yearly checkups?
DOCTOR
Both.
JOSH
And there won’t be any blood around, right?
DOCTOR
I would hope not.
JOSH
Good. I—I mean, I know kids are afraid of blood.
DOCTOR
Uh huh. Look, just do your best to not scare the kids, OK?
ANDREW
We’ll try.
CUT to FRAN and BRIAN, walking into the mattress store where they just received jobs as salespeople.
BRIAN (yelling)
Hello? Anyone in here?
MAN
I’m standing right in front of you.
BRIAN
Oh, hey. Do you know where I can find the manager?
MAN
You’re looking at him. We met earlier at the interview, remember? I’m Bob, the manager.
BRIAN
Uh huh.
FRAN
Don’t mind him, he’s just a little nervous.
BRIAN
I am?
FRAN
So what do we do? Ask people if they want to buy a mattress?
BOB
Most people are here to buy a mattress.
BRIAN
Not all of them?
BOB
No, some are looking for the video rental store next door. Others know that it’s now a yoga studio and are looking for that. Then there’s the few who say they’re going to buy a mattress, end up taking it, go to the yoga studio next door to use it as a yoga mat, and then return it. We don’t talk about those people though.
FRAN
So which part of the store should I start in? Also, where is my office? I assume I get one as Senior Salesperson.
BOB
I think you misunderstood. You’re Senior Salesperson because you’re the oldest.
FRAN
Least young.
BOB
You’re holding up the sign outside.
FRAN
That doesn’t seem like it’ll be very effective. Why would you want me to be the face out there?
BOB
Oh! Almost forgot. You’ll be the person standing next to Ms. Frog.
FRAN
Ms. Frog? You mean THE Ms. Frog??
BOB
Yes, our mascot.
FRAN
Sounds flattering. And what does Brian do?
BOB
Brian does another interview because I’m not sure he knows he signed up for this.
BRIAN
Really?
BOB
No, I don’t feel like doing that. You can start over by the section where no one’s working.
CUT to JOSH and ANDREW at the pediatrician’s office. A patient walks in with her mother.
PATIENT
Hi.
JOSH
Do you want to see a magic trick?
ANDREW
We don’t know any magic tricks Josh.
JOSH
I’m banking on her saying no.
PATIENT
No, I don’t. You’re talking very loud by the way, I could hear all that.
ANDREW
What do you want to see?
PATIENT
You’re creepy.
ANDREW
No! We work here, we’re supposed to entertain all the sick kids.
PATIENT
I’m not sick, I’m just getting my throat checked out because it’s all red and I’ve had a nasty cough for a week. [PATIENT coughs]
JOSH
Are there face masks around here anywhere?
ANDREW
Yeah but they only have enough for the doctors, nurses, and that one guy in that office typing away on his computer.
RECEPTIONIST
Hey, Dandrew and other guy, you don’t seem like you’re entertaining the kid.
ANDREW
OK. Look at me, I can run around in circles!
JOSH
Don’t mind him. I can do 20 jumping jacks!
PATIENT
How entertaining. [PATIENT coughs and doesn’t cover it.]
JOSH
That was on purpose, wasn’t it?
PATIENT
You figured it out!
DOCTOR
You guys are not doing good. I expect better tomorrow.
CUT to FRAN and BRIAN at the mattress store
BRIAN
Hey, you, want a mattress?
CUSTOMER
Sure.
BRIAN
OK. How much are you willing to pay.
CUSTOMER
Well it says $1100 on the tag so I guess that much plus tax.
BRIAN
OK.
CUSTOMER
What’s your name?
BRIAN
Rian. I mean, Brian. Sorry, first day.
CUSTOMER
Guess you’re getting some commission today.
BRIAN
I am?
CUSTOMER
Yeah. I just said I’m buying that mattress.
BRIAN
Oh. Thanks.
CUSTOMER
You’re...welcome?
FRAN [running in]
Ms. Frog hates me!
BRIAN
I’m sure Ms. Frog doesn’t hate you.
CUSTOMER
I’m out of here. Consider yourself lucky.
BRIAN
Yeah OK whatever. So what did Ms. Frog do?
FRAN
She...hit me!
BRIAN
Really?
FRAN
Yeah! But it was an accident. I’m only here because our shift is over.
BRIAN
That was quick.
FRAN
First day.
BRIAN
Oh. Right.
FRAN and BRIAN drive home. They open the door to their house.
ANDREW
You’re back early.
FRAN
You are too!
JOSH
This schedule isn’t working, is it?
BRIAN
Nope.
JOSH
Well I guess we have to stick with it. Wouldn’t want to get fired. Even though our job sucks.