Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 8
The Super Bowl
Leslie is in Paul’s office for their meeting.
Paul: I have a new proposition for you.
Leslie: That’s never a good sign.
Paul: No, it’s a good thing.
Leslie: I still don’t believe you.
Paul: Seriously. I want your show to be this year’s Super Bowl lead-out. We’ve thought long and hard about this and figured that it’s best to go all out by putting the #1 show on TV behind the Super Bowl.
Leslie: Bake Your Heart Out?
Paul: Unless there’s a different show of yours that’s now the #1 show on TV, yes.
Leslie: You want to put a calm, relaxing show about baking on after the Super Bowl?
Paul: Yes.
Leslie: That feels misguided at best. Why don’t you just put something new there. Don’t you guys have a spinoff of Clue coming out?
Paul: Networks try time and time again to launch a new show after the Super Bowl and it never works out right. We’re putting our biggest hit there to capitalize on that big lead-in.
Leslie: I don’t know if I want you to.
Paul: Why are you so opposed to giving your show the best lead-in that it’s ever going to get. 100 million people watch the Super Bowl!
Leslie: Sure. But how many of those people watch Bake Your Heart Out?
Paul: Bake Your Heart Out averaged 22 million viewers last season, so I’d say 22 million Super Bowl viewers watch it.
Leslie: You really think the same people that are rabid NFL fans also happen to watch my show?
Paul: Considering that the wide majority of Super Bowl viewers aren’t even regular NFL fans, I don’t think that’s something you need to worry about.
Leslie: I just think that this could backfire on us. If the 22 million that watch Bake Your Heart Out don’t tune in at 10:30 or 11 o’clock or whenever the hell it eventually starts, a half-hour removed from the game, then they might not tune in on Wednesday when it starts airing regular episodes again. Then if these first-time viewers are all a bunch of sports fans that are only tuning in to see the Browns and the Jaguars or whoever’s in the game compete, they might hate it because it’s so radically different and then we have a bunch of people out there that hate our show just because they saw it one time and weren’t in the mood for relaxing baking.
Paul: Leslie, you know that I’ve grown quite fond of you.
Leslie: You have?
Paul: Yes, I consider you a strong acquaintance of mine.
Leslie: Oh.
Paul: You’re being ridiculous. I’ve never had anyone turn down a huge NFL lead-in. Mostly because I don’t give anyone that kind of power over me. I really had to convince the other executives to give this slot to your show over Freddy & William or one of the new shows. Don’t let me down.
Leslie: I’ll think about it. I’m not promising anything. I’m still not fond of the idea.
Leslie asks Sam, Diane, Frances and Garry to meet her at Sam’s to discuss Paul’s proposal.
Sam: Y’know, I still don’t understand why my house is always used for us to meet or have a party or do anything.
Frances: I had Christmas last year!
Leslie: You immediately moved that to my house. Now that I moved and won’t tell you guys where I live, one of you will have to step up to the plate.
Frances: Or you could tell us where you live!
Leslie: No thanks. Anyways, I wanted you guys to meet with me today because Paul asked for us to be the Super Bowl lead-out program this year.
Garry: That’s incredible!
Leslie: Is it?
Garry: Yes! Do you know how many people watch the Super Bowl!
Leslie: I’ve been told 100 million.
Sam: Explain to us how it wouldn’t be incredible for us to have something watched by 100 million people airing directly before our show.
Leslie: I already said all of this to Paul, but I see now that I have to convince you guys that I’m right so here goes nothing. I think that airing behind the Super Bowl could really damage the show. If regular viewers of Bake Your Heart Out aren’t watching it after the Super Bowl because it’s airing so late, and that’s our premiere episode, then they might end up just not watching the show when it moves to the regular time slot. I don’t think the majority of Super Bowl viewers would care about our show and our ratings out of the Super Bowl probably wouldn’t be as strong as other shows airing behind the game. Plus, these guys that love football would probably just hate on the show and give us a bad reputation.
Sam: That is ridiculous. We’ll be fine. We should take advantage of any favors the network is willing to give us.
Leslie: I’m afraid that the network will try and have us dumb the show down for the huge audience. You know, make it easier to follow and throw in some gimmicks to make it a bit more explosive and interesting.
Frances: Leslie, we’re a show about baking. We’re not Westworld. I don’t think it’s very hard to follow. Just let Paul do this.
Leslie: I’m feeling very pressured right now and I don’t like it.
Sam: You’re feeling pressured because you’re saying insane things and we’re pushing back on it.
Leslie: Oh come on. Diane, you’re with me, right?
Diane: Umm…
Leslie: Diane! Give me this. Give me one person!
Diane: I think you all raised some interesting points.
Sam: No she didn’t!
Diane: I just want to know who would get that post-Super Bowl slot if we didn’t. I don’t want to leave the network without a plan.
Leslie: We won’t! Paul said they’d just air Freddy & William there.
Diane: Oh, no. We’re taking that slot.
Leslie: I think you need to let go of your hate for Freddy & William.
Diane: Fred Jordan made fun of my husband’s death and made fun of me because of it. Remember? So no, I can’t let it go.
Leslie: No, I don’t remember. You never told me that.
Sam: It was me that you told, Diane.
Diane: Oh. Anyway, their show is a flop that’s going to really embarrass the network. Don’t let them win. Take the post-Super Bowl slot. It can’t go wrong.
Leslie: You guys really all think I’m being silly?
Frances: Yes!
Leslie: Even you, Garry?
Garry: I already made that perfectly clear.
Leslie: And after all I did for you when you thought you were pre-diabetic.
Garry: That doesn’t mean I owe you eternal blind loyalty.
Leslie: That was two weeks ago!
Sam: Can you guys please shut up? We obviously want the slot. Leslie, you’ve been outvoted. Go tell Paul we want it.
Leslie: Fine. But I’m not going to like it!
Sam: Nobody asked. Nobody cares.
Leslie: I’m going to tell him now. Last chance for everyone to change their minds!
Diane: Nobody’s gonna do that. Don’t worry your adorable little head about it.
Leslie walks out to the porch to call Paul while everyone else remains inside.
Garry: Why is Leslie so against airing behind the Super Bowl?
Diane: I think she's very self-conscious. I still don’t think she’s wrapped her head around the fact that she’s responsible for creating the #1 show on television. She probably doesn’t think the show is worthy of such a prestigious slot.
Sam: What makes you think that?
Diane: She’s said as much to me. She told me she never understood how it’s such a big hit and that she still doesn’t understand how the network does everything we ask them to do. She’s scared that airing behind the Super Bowl and disappointing in the ratings will lead to her suspicions of not being worthy coming true.
Frances: Now I feel bad.
Sam: I still don’t.
Frances: Of course you don’t.
Sam: She should get past her fears and not freak out about being given such a great opportunity.
Diane: She’s our friend, we need to be considerate of her feelings. Show her some love and compassion.
Sam: Relax, Marianne Williamson. I have plenty of love and compassion for her. I just don’t want her belief that our show isn’t worthy enough to cause her to make a mistake. She’s telling Paul that she’ll let him air the show after the Super Bowl, we don’t need to worry about it any further. Now, we’re all together. I know that Diane likes to drink a diabetes martini -
Diane: It’s a margarita.
Sam: Whatever. Who wants some drinks?
Leslie: I’ll take one! I need it!
Diane falls out of her chair.
Sam: What is wrong with you?
Leslie: Are you okay?
Diane: You scared me! I might be slightly intoxicated already.
Leslie: Oh, Diane.
Diane: I’m fine. I just poured a glass of wine while you guys were bickering.
Frances: That we didn’t notice that is slightly confirming but I have a more pressing question. Leslie, what went on with Paul? You sound upset.
Leslie: Oh, nothing.
Garry: You can tell us.
Sam: Yes, you can, and you should. Because you’re worrying me. I’m starting to think you turned down the Super Bowl slot or something.
Leslie: I didn’t.
Sam: Didn’t you?
Leslie: I really didn’t.
Frances: Then what’s wrong?
Leslie: I have to go to Paul’s office tomorrow.
Diane: That’s not so bad, you do it every week anyway.
Leslie: In that meeting, I will be discussing a few notes from the network executives. Notes to make Bake Your Heart Out’s premiere appeal to football fans.
Sam: That’s not so bad. It’s not like the entire season will be football-themed, just the premiere.
Leslie: They want the two quarterbacks that will be in the Super Bowl to serve as guest judges on that episode.
Frances: Not more unqualified judges!
Leslie: Yes, I know.
Sam: Aren’t the league championship games only like two weeks before the Super Bowl?
Leslie: Funny you should ask. Yes, indeed they are!
Sam: So…
Leslie: We’d be filming our premiere episode about a week before it’s supposed to air, and then we’ll be filming our second episode a few days before it airs.
Frances: That’s impossible! We film a month before shows air!
Leslie: I said that to Paul. He said anything is possible if we set our minds to it.
Garry: Any other requests?
Leslie: No more yet. I’ll hear his other demands tomorrow. Should be fun.
Sam: Okay, I think we’re all in need of that booze now, so what does everyone want?
The next day, in Paul’s office…
Leslie: You’re getting what you want with me allowing Bake Your Heart Out to air after the Super Bowl. What else do you want from me? Last night on the phone you said you had some suggestions.
Paul: Okay, I’m going to run through some thoughts the other executives and I had for the Super Bowl episode and you can let me know what you think. First, we already talked about the quarterbacks being the guest judges.
Leslie: That simply is not going to work. We can’t film on such a tight schedule.
Paul: Don’t kid yourself. You can make it work, I know you can.
Leslie: Filming alone takes us two days. Then there’s editing, narration, reshoots, and the other little touches to make it all come together. We can’t get that done in a week, not when we have episode two airing three days after the premiere. This isn’t happening.
Paul: Okay, fine. can we at least have some former NFL player on the show?
Leslie: Yes, that’s fine. As long as we can film the episode at the beginning of January.
Paul: You can. Joe Montana is a buddy of mine and he has been dying to meet you guys. His whole family watches it and they all love it.
Leslie: That… seems hard to believe.
Paul: Okay, this is a pretty standard request that is non-negotiable.
Leslie: That word scares me.
Paul: We need for the cast of the show to go to the Super Bowl so we can put the cameras on them a few times throughout to help promote the show.
Leslie: So you want to send Sam, Diane, Garry and Frances of all people to a sporting event. I’m pretty sure Diane thinks the Super Bowl is for hockey and Frances thinks it’s the name of a figure skating rink.
Paul: They don’t have to serve as play-by-play analysts. They just have to be there and watch.
Leslie: They’re going to give me hell over it because they give me hell over everything, but I’ll tell them.
Paul: I’d also like to see you guys do a football theme for the premiere episode.
Leslie: Done. We can have the contestants build cakes in the shape of footballs and little eclairs shaped like footballs. This is actually a very reasonable request.
Paul: Okay…
Leslie: What? What are you about to say?
Paul: We’d like for the premiere episode to end in a cliffhanger.
Leslie: No!
Paul: I know you’re opposed to doing this, but I really think it can help us hold on to the extra viewers and get them to tune in to episode two.
Leslie: No way! We aren’t The Bachelor. You’re supposed to be able to tune in to Bake Your Heart Out and see an entire week of drama-free competition in one hour. No cliffhangers, no drama, no nonsense.
Paul: It would just really help us out if you could do a cliffhanger this one time.
Leslie: Not happening. Ever I can’t compromise my creative vision over a one-time airing after the Super Bowl that I didn’t even want to happen.
Paul: Fine, no cliffhanger.
Leslie: Thank you.
Paul: One final request and then this meeting will be over.
Leslie: What is it?
Paul: You’re going to have to get the cast to film some Super Bowl-themed promos. I know how much they hate them.
Leslie: Fine. They aren’t divas on such a crazy level that they wouldn’t do that.
Paul: The one promo will be with cast members from the entire Wednesday lineup.
Leslie: By any chance is Freddy and William moving in midseason?
Paul: No, it is not.
Leslie: A condition of the Super Bowl slot is that I have to convince Diane to film a promo with Freddy & William?
Paul: Yes.
Leslie starts to groan.
Paul: Are you okay?
Leslie: No. This is going to be hell.
Paul: You know what they say. Baking is hell.
Leslie: Nobody says that, but it’s true. I have to go have a very serious talk with my lunatics so I should get going.
Paul: Take care.
Leslie: Same to you.
Leslie calls Diane, Sam, Frances and Garry and has them meet her at Sam’s house once again.
Sam: Seriously, why do we always meet here?
Leslie: It’s a very nice house.
Frances: So is mine!
Garry: Mine used to be but we’re baby-proofing and painting and doing so many repairs that it’s a total mess. Plus, Carly has been so grumpy lately now that her pregnancy is moving into the later stages. It’s not pretty.
Sam: Yeah, sounds like a real pain to bring life into the world. Thank god I’m a lesbian and couldn’t have children because then I would’ve had to cover up my outlets.
Garry: Sorry for sharing my struggles.
Leslie: So, the reason why I wanted to meet today is because I just had my meeting with Paul and wanted to discuss his suggestions.
Diane: Oh yes, how did it go?
Leslie: We aren’t going to film the episode a week before the air date. I got him to budge on that. We’ll return to filming at the beginning of January as always.
Frances: So no guest judge? Thank god.
Leslie: Oh, we will have a guest judge. Joe Montana. Apparently a big fan somehow.
Frances: You know, I’ve come to accept that I’m just going to be left out of these decisions.
Leslie: I had to give him something.
Frances: Sure, sure. Whatever. I was told when I decided to end Frances In the Kitchen in order to take their job that I’d be included in the creative process but I guess that was a lie.
Leslie: It’s one more episode. You already did it with Charlotte Keen.
Frances: She was a professional though. I don’t know who this Joe Montana is but he doesn’t sound like a baking expert.
Leslie: I’m done with this. Diane, you’re going to have to film a promo with Freddy & William.
Diane: That is…
Leslie: Oh no.
Diane: Fine. It’s fine. It’ll be over quick. As long as we still get the Super Bowl slot and you finally feel we’re worthy of it, then I’ll take one for the team.
Leslie: Wait, what? I finally feel I’m worthy? What’s that about?
Diane: You’re self-conscious and never thought the show was worthy of being #1. So you never thought it deserved the Super Bowl slot.
Leslie: I never said that!
Diane: Yes you did!
Leslie: No, I didn’t!
Diane: Wait, you’re right. That was in a dream. And now I’m mad about having to work with Freddy and William. Tell Paul no deal!
Leslie: Diane, take one for the team.
Diane: Fine… but me and Frances are going to send each other some texts about you that you definitely don’t want to see.What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another new episode!
