Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 6
Sam and Diana
Sam and Diane are at a bar on Sam’s anniversary.
Sam: Diane, why are we celebrating my anniversary? Nicolle isn’t even home.
Diane (sniffling with every other word): It’s a big night for you whether she’s here or not. I couldn’t let you sit home alone.
Sam: Frances helped me celebrate the day by talking non-stop about her divorce from six years ago and then apologizing profusely for it once she realized what day it was. So you’re at least beating her. And somehow, she’s beating Garry and Leslie, who both forgot that it was my anniversary at all.
Diane: I’m… honored?
Sam: You’re also sick.
Diane: What? No I’m not.
Sam: Diane, you’ve blown your nose about fifteen times since we’re here and some snot almost ran out of your nose and into your martini. That feels pretty sick to me.
Diane: I have a little cold.
Sam: Drinking booze makes a cold worse, you know that.
Diane: That’s a myth.
Sam: I’ll be it’s not. I’ll look it up on my phone right now!
Diane: You do that.
Sam: Ha! I already found it. WebMD says it is not a myth. I win.
Diane: No way!
Sam: Way
Diane: I really don’t feel that bad.
Sam: Whatever you say. However, we have to work tomorrow and I don’t want to be hungover. Plus I have to drive. So I think I’m going to stop at the two strawberry daiquiris and head home.
Diane: Alright. I guess I should get some rest, too.
Sam: So you do admit you’re sick!
Diane: No! I was just up late last night and I have to get up early tomorrow. I have to catch up on sleep.
Sam: Now that’s a myth.
Diane: Don’t be ridiculous. Of course it isn’t.
The next day, Diane calls Sam.
Sam: What is it, Diane? It’s eight in the morning?
Diane: Sam…
Sam: Diane! You sound terrible! I’ve heard people with laryngitis that sound better than you do.
Diane (in between sniffles): I think I have a fever. What the heck am I gonna do? We’re in the middle of filming an episode. I’ll mess everything up by randomly not being there midway through it, and I don’t think I can get to work feeling like this.
Sam: I have an idea.
Diane: What is it?
Sam: You aren’t going to like it?
Diane: Sam, it hurts to talk. Please just tell me.
Sam: You can call Diana and have her take your place. She looks exactly like you. Nobody’s going to notice.
Diane: Are you crazy?
Sam: I’m desperate. Just call her.
Diane: Fine. I’m desperate, too. She can’t be that mad at me…
Ten minutes later, during Diane’s phone call with Diana…
Diana: Diane, are you insane? I can’t tell you the last time we’ve seen each other that didn’t end in a screaming match! Now you want me to do your job for you, a job that would take me an hour to get to?!?
Diane: I will pay you the salary I would normally pay for an entire episode. It’s a good deal, you’re only doing half the work.
Diana: How much is that?
Diane: About 200,000 dollars before taxes.
Diana: Alright, that sounds good.
Diane: I know you’re doing it only for the money, but thank you anyway. I’m in such a bind.
Diana: Anything for my money. I mean, my sister.
Diane: No you don’t.
Diana: Yeah, I don’t.
Diane: One more quick thing. Don’t let anybody know you’re not me. My producer Leslie would freak out about it and I don’t think either of us want that.
Diana: Alright.
Diane: When you arrive at the set, just go straight to Sam’s dressing room. It’s not uncommon for us to have a morning meeting so nobody will suspect a thing. Sam will help coach you on how to act just like me.
Diana: I watch the show, I know how you act.
Diane: You do? I never knew you watched the show!
Diana: You’re my sister, of course I do!
Diane: Aww, that’s sweet. I should be nicer to you.
Diana: You should be.
Diane: Anyway, I still want you to meet with Sam. She’ll help you get caught up on the goings-on behind the scenes lately because if you don’t even know what week it is or what the names of the contestants are, they’re going to know something’s up.
Diana: Sounds good. Now, can I go? I have to go shower and get ready and it’s already almost eight.
Diane: Alright. Just make sure to get there by ten. Leslie will be so mad if you aren’t.
Diana: One more question I just thought of. We don’t drive the same car. Isn’t someone going to notice?
Diane: Just tell them it’s a rental.
Diana: If you think that’s enough, fine by me.
Two hours later…
Leslie: Hey Diane!
Diana: Hi there.
Diana rushes to Sam’s dressing room.
Sam: Diane! You look better!
Diana: I’m Diana.
Sam: Oooh, that’s right. I forgot I had that idea.
Diana: You had that idea? My sister never mentioned that.
Sam: She’s sick, I’ll give her a pass. In the future I think I should get credit for my plans.
Diana: I’ll take that up with her.
Sam: I’d appreciate it if you didn’t lie to me.
Diana: How did you know I’m not gonna tell her.
Sam: Because you don’t really care about being here today. That’s fine though, I’m still going to teach you all you need to know about this show.
Thirty minutes later…
Leslie: Hey, I don’t know why the two of you have been talking about in there for a half hour, but we need you guys out here soon. The contestants are almost here and we don’t want a repeat of yesterday.
Diana: Oh yeah, yesterday. That was crazy.
Leslie: Don’t bring it up to Garry. I think he’s already embarrassed enough about it.
Diane: Trust me, my lips are sealed.
Sam: Yep, mine too.
Leslie: Sam, you’re acting strange.
Sam: What ever do you mean?
Leslie: You didn’t make fun of Garry right now. You’d never miss an opportunity to do that. Are you feeling okay?
Sam: I’m fine. Just a little tired.
Leslie: Drink some coffee. We can’t have you looking tired on camera!
Sam: Yes, Leslie.
Leslie walks with Sam and Diana to the baking cabin until Diana trips.
Diana: What the hell? Why is there a bump in the floor?
Leslie: What do you mean? That’s always been there, you know that. It’s just a cable going underneath the carpet.
Diana: I guess I just forgot. Late night last night.
Leslie: What were you two doing last night without us?
Diana: Nothing.
Leslie: Then what were you both up late for?
Diana: I was watching TV, I didn’t realize what time it was.
Leslie: Oh.
Diana: I’m not that tired though, I won’t look like I’m about to fall asleep on camera.
Leslie: Good. Having one sleepy host is enough.
Frances: Diane! How are you today?
Diana: I’m good! How are you?
Frances: Doing well. Mr. Snuggles and I both got haircuts yesterday.
Diana: Aww, I’m sure he looks so nice after that. He’s such a cute little dog.
Frances: Mr. Snuggles is a cat and I am offended that you don’t care enough to have remembered that.
Frances storms towards the baking cabin with her arms crossed.
Sam: You really messed that one up, Diane.
Diana: I’m sorry! I didn’t realize people groomed their cats!
Leslie: I’m so excited for the impending Diane and Frances feud. Definitely going to make work more fun and not a living hell at all.
Diana: I’m not going to feud with her, don’t worry.
Leslie: She’ll think you are.
Garry: Diane, how are you today? I noticed you got a new car!
Diana: Oh, no. Just a rental. My car needed to be inspected.
Garry: You should’ve asked to borrow one of mine! I would’ve let you, we’re friends.
Diana: I didn’t want to bother you, but thanks for offering. Very kind of you.
Sam: Too kind. Trying to get in her pants like you wanna do with Frances?
Garry: Stop it, Frances! I’m married, those jokes aren’t funny anymore.
Sam: The sexual tension is far too much to ignore with you two.
Garry: Seriously. Carly’s going to be around some time and hear you and if I have to sleep on the couch, I won’t let you hear the end of it.
Sam: Cool. I’m not afraid.
Leslie: Diane, have you always had a tattoo of a rose on your wrist?
Diana: I got it a few weeks ago.
Leslie: Why didn’t you tell me? I’m sure everyone else has noticed already. I look like a fool.
Diana: Nobody else has noticed. I’ve had it covered. Long sleeves, you know.
Leslie: What? You haven’t been wearing long sleeves. It’s August.
Diana: I meant to say that I put a band-aid on it to cover it up.
Leslie: Diane, stop lying. I know you’re just saying that to make me feel better about not noticing. Don’t let me off the hook so easy.
Sam: Isn't that the sound of the contestants arriving?
Leslie: Is it? Oh my god, I didn’t even hear it. I have to go check. Where is my head today?
Leslie runs to check on the contestants, leaving Sam and Diana alone near the craft services table.
Sam: What are you doing? You didn’t think to cover that little tattoo up?
Diana: I forgot. I only had an hour’s notice that I’d have to come and do this. I think I’m doing pretty well.
Sam: You actually are. Besides not knowing that Mr. Snuggles is a cat.
Diana grabs a Fig Newton from the from the table and Sam smacks it out of her hand.
Sam: No! You can’t eat that!
Diana: What? Why not? I love Fig Newtons!
Sam: Well your sister doesn’t. Her hatred of figs is well known around here. It’s a pretty common desert ingredient and she spits out anything that has figs in it. Like a child.
Leslie: Sam!!! Diane!!! Frances!!! Garry!!! Let’s go!!!
Sam: Oops, looks like it’s time to go.
Diana: Go where?
Sam: Oh lord. To the set! The “baking cabin.“
Diana: Don’t we have to drive somewhere for that? It’s outside?
Sam: We were already near it before we went for some snacks.
Diana: You mean to tell me that the baking cabin isn’t outside? How?
Sam: Do you also not know that Mariska Hargitay isn’t really a cop investigating sex crimes? It’s all the magic of television. We have a big cabin-like structure inside the studio and the magic of TV editing makes it look like it’s smack dab in the middle of the woods instead of in a studio.
Diana: I can’t believe it.
Sam: Diana, where in California do we have log cabins in the middle of the woods?
Diana: I don’t know! I don’t make the show!
Sam: Let’s just get to the set before Leslie goes into cardiac arrest.
Sam and Diana rush to the baking cabin.
Leslie: Finally! My goodness, we only have one more bake left for this episode and at this rate it’ll take longer than the two we did yesterday. What is going on with the four of you today? Even Frances and Garry were running late.
Frances: Diane knows what she did.
Diana: I really don’t!
Garry: I’m just tired.
Leslie: You guys really need to stop using that excuse today. I’ve heard it three times.
Sam: Diane and I have just been talking about how we’re going to celebrate my anniversary tonight since I didn’t do anything yesterday.
Leslie: Oh my god, Sam! I’m so sorry! I completely forgot!
Sam: It’s fine. You don’t need to apologize. My wife isn’t even in this timezone, Diane and I were just going to drink away our sorrows tonight.
Leslie: I still feel really bad. I’m gonna send you an Edible Arrangement to make up for it.
Sam: Thank you.
Leslie: Alright guys, let’s get to work! Bakers, come on in. Sam, Diane, do your thing!
Five hours later…
Leslie: Alright, let’s bring the bakers back in. It’s results time. Oooh goody, someone else is about to break down in tears just like the last four people before them. Better have tissues. It’s been a long day, guys. Let’s just get this done.
Garry: Lighten up, Leslie. It’s only five o’clock. We’re not that behind schedule.
Leslie: We’re usually done at 3:30. I had a plan to go see that Hobbs & Shaw movie with The Rock and now I’m not gonna get to go. Diane has made so many mistakes today.
Frances: None as big as forgetting about my Mr. Snuggles.
The bakers head into the cabin and Sam and Diana begin to share the results.
Sam: Patrick, Hailee, the judges found you two to be the best two bakers of the week.
Diana: Helen, your raspberry and lemon tarts were described as “perfectly summery” by the judges.
Sam: I believe you meant to say “Hailee.”
Diana: Indeed. Patrick, your orange jello pie was hailed by Frances as “delightfully innovative.”
Sam: That’s not what he made, but yes, Frances did say that about his dish. As much as the judges loved both of your dishes on this summer-themed week, only one of you could win. That person is…
Diana: Helen!
Sam: Hailee!
Leslie: Stop! Stop! I’m so sorry to all of you guys who are waiting on your fates, but I need to have a discussion with Sam and Diane. Frances, Garry, you’re coming too. Let’s go to my office.
Sam: Oh.
Frances: No.
Leslie and the group walk to her office.
Leslie: What the hell is going on here this week? Diane, I have never seen you slip up so much in one day.
Diana: I’m completely fine. Nothing is wrong.
Leslie: I don’t think that’s true. Let me tell you what’s wrong. You are acting extremely unusual. From your morning meeting with Sam that’s way longer than usual, to tripping on the cord under the studio carpet that’s been there forever, to suddenly having a tattoo, to messing up contestant names and mixing up dishes, you’re just not yourself.
Diana: No, no. I am myself.
Leslie: It was somewhere around the fifth time that we had to re-film your little chit-chat with Clarissa about her dish today that I realized something was up. I got to thinking “Hey, didn't Diane recently complain to me about her sister Diana not sending her a birthday card?” Then I remembered that Diana is also your identical twin. Hi, Diana.
Diana: How could you know?
Leslie: I just explained it.
Diana: I was doing so well
Frances: You were not.
Leslie: Where’s Diane? It’s not like her to pull a stunt like this.
Sam: Leslie, don’t be too angry with her. She’s sick and I told her to do this.
Leslie: That makes sense.
Sam: If you heard her on the phone, you’d have told her to do it.
Leslie: I don’t really care about her not coming to work. She’s not getting in trouble or anything. I just want to know how you guys thought this was going to work out?
Diana: I just did what I was told. I didn’t think it would work.
Leslie: Viewers at home were bound to notice.
Sam: Who cares if someone notices? At worst it’ll be a trending hashtag on Twitter. “Hashtag Where is Diane?” Then nobody’s gonna talk about it after a few days.
Leslie: You know, I’d usually be worried about it but I’ll adopt the Sam Ellwood “who cares” system of thought for the moment because we’ve got a bunch of bakers out there waiting for us.
Sam: You’re learning, I’m so proud.
Leslie: Alright, let’s get this done. Diana is exhausting so this will probably be another two hours. Call your families, let them know you won’t be home anytime soon.
Diana: Hey!What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out midseason premiere? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for the next episode!
