SAMANTHA
A cable news correspondent. How fancy.
EVAN
I wouldn’t say that. All I have to do is throw on a suit and talk.
SAMANTHA
Well good luck.
EVAN walks into a small room in the house, where he will do his first live talk.
NEWS ANCHOR
Today we have former President Evan Fixeworm joining us. President Fixeworm, how are you today?
EVAN
I’m doing good, thank you. It is a pleasure to be here.
NEWS ANCHOR
Looks like we’re having trouble with President Fixeworm’s audio. In the mean time, here is a clip of me with my cat yesterday.
EVAN realizes his computer was on mute. The interview resumes.
NEWS ANCHOR
Let’s try this again, President Fixeworm, how are you today?
EVAN
I’m doing fine, thank you.
NEWS ANCHOR
This new President is not off to a good start. Do you think that has anything to do with your administration’s poor transition response?
EVAN
What do you mean? We briefed the new administration on everything we know.
NEWS ANCHOR
Our own exclusive reporting says otherwise.
EVAN
I think I would know if they were briefed properly or not.
NEWS ANCHOR
Okay, but where do you think you went wrong?
EVAN
Not everything is my fault. Some blame has to be placed on this current administration. If I could have run for a third term, I would have.
NEWS ANCHOR
Do you think it was your tense relationship with the new President?
EVAN
What tense relationship?
NEWS ANCHOR
Our own exclusive reporting says you two have a tense relationship.
EVAN
That could not be farther from the truth.
NEWS ANCHOR
So what you’re saying is you’re best friends? Why have you allowed your best friend to start so poorly?
EVAN
He has not started poorly, and he is not my best friend either.
NEWS ANCHOR
So you are enemies.
EVAN
No, we are not enemies.
NEWS ANCHOR
But you’re not best friends either.
TRENT walks into the room, hearing that his dad is on TV.
TRENT
My dad is not an enemy with anyone!
EVAN
Trent, really it’s okay, you can leave now.
NEWS ANCHOR
No, please be a decent parent to your child. Lose the temper.
TRENT [yelling]
MOM! PETER! GET IN HERE!!!
PETER runs into the room
PETER
Hi Dad!
EVAN
Hi Peter, now look, I’m on TV right now, can whatever you want wait?
NEWS ANCHOR
And that’s all the time we have. We’ll be right back.
EVAN takes off his microphone.
EVAN
Well that didn’t work out.
PETER
That guy was mean to you.
EVAN
Yeah, cable news doesn’t seem to be my thing.
EVAN walks out of the room.
SAMANTHA
How did it go?
EVAN
Terrible.
SAMANTHA
Yikes. At this rate, you’re gonna end up on a celebrity reality show. And not one of the good ones, either.
EVAN
That gives me an idea...