Tammy: Big news, everybody!
Marietta: Are you running for president in 2024? We could use an elder, elder stateswoman to turn things around and make Delphy a one-termer.
Tammy: Umm… no.
Marietta: Darn. Who will we nominate now?
Tammy: Anyone else. Can I share my news now?
Patty Lynn: Please, yes. Look at poor Eliza over there. She’s joining us for family dinner for the first time and she can’t get a word in edgewise.
Eliza: I’m act-
Tammy: Mitch is moving to New Orleans!
Marietta: What? Why?
Tammy: That’s not quite the reaction I anticipated.
Kathleen: I’m happy for you, Tammy. I always was wondering when you actually saw President Yarborough since you’re here every weekend.
Tammy: We talk on the phone a lot. I actually think it’s improved our relationship a lot. I’m still glad we’re finally going to be living in the same state again, though. I like being able to actually ask him a question in person if I have something to ask, instead of calling and getting a voicemail because he didn’t get to the phone in time or didn’t hear it.
Marietta: Or maybe he just ignores your calls because he doesn’t want to talk.
Tammy: That’s a horrible thing to say. It’s absolutely what he does but it’s still awful to say.
Patty Lynn: Will the President be coming to family dinners with us now that he’s coming to town?
Tammy: You can just call him Mitch, no need to make his ego any bigger. Also, I doubt he’ll come to family dinners. He needs some time away from me.
Patty Lynn: You do work at least eight hours a day.
Tammy: He needs more than that, come on!
Martin: I don’t get more than that away from my wife!
Kathleen: You should.
Patty Lynn: Come one, tell him to come!
Marietta: Yeah, if we can invite Amy to family dinner, we can obviously invite the former President of the United States!
Amy: I take offense to that.
Marietta: You were supposed to. Really though, your growth has been tremendous. You went from the opponent that I despised to the lady that appointed herself as my press secretary to someone I tolerate just enough to call “family.”
Amy: I feel honored to be here.
Martin: You should. After all, you get to be here even as my own grandson doesn’t show up. This is an exclusive club.
Eliza: We’re hon-
Elena: We’re glad to finally be here.
Eliza: I was sa-
Elena: I said it faster.
Marietta: Somehow this question was never asked: when is Mitch moving here?
Tammy: How did I not mention this? Next week!
Marietta: Oh, wow. That’s quick.
Martin: Will he need help moving in? Milton and I can help out.
Milton: No we will not! I’ll help, you’re eighty.
Marietta: Yeah, dad. You can’t do hard work like that. Amy can do it.
Amy: What? Why me?
Marietta: You want to be family? This is family.
Three days later…
Tammy: Milton, thank you so much for coming to help. Mitch shipped so many boxes from New York, I never could’ve gotten all this stuff loaded into the car without you.
Milton: You’re welcome. Any time you need help, I’ll be here for you. Unless I’m in DC, of course.
Marietta: We get it, you’re a senator now. Jesus.
Patty Lynn: I’m helping, too.
Kathleen: Helping in what sense? We’ve just been sitting in the car watching them.
Marietta: Why are you guys here, actually?
Milton: They called me and asked to take them to the mall because dad’s at the eye doctor and Kathleen’s car is in the shop. I couldn't think of an excuse so I agreed to do it.
Patty Lynn: I got a new candle!
Marietta: Of course you did.
Patty Lynn: It smells like pine!
Kathleen: You didn’t get that one, you got the holly candle.
Patty Lynn: They’re both Christmas smells, same thing.
Tammy: Marietta, I gotta thank you again for letting Mitch move into your house with me. I promise it’s not a forever thing. We will leave eventually. Once you’re done as mayor, of course.
Marietta: Oh, I’m never leaving as mayor. I’m gonna have term limits abolished so I can keep running. Not because I love the job, I just love the house you get with it. Plus, who else in this city would I be okay with being in charge? Amy? I think not.
Amy: Hey!
Marietta: I like ya, but I don’t know how you’d be as mayor, you know? You have to agree.
Amy: What? Of course, I don’t! I ran for mayor two years ago.
Marietta: And that was obviously a mistake as I’m sure you realize.
Tammy: Marietta, can you stop insulting our friend and unlock the front door for me?
Marietta: Can I have the keys?
Tammy: Don’t you have. Key on your key ring? It is your house.
Marietta: Then I need to get it out of my pocket. You’re always so picky.
Tammy: Do you guys see what I put up with?
Milton: I already knew. She’s nuts. It’s why I love her. Also why it’s probably better that I’m the one making laws in DC while she’s working here in New Orleans.
Marietta: You bastard.
Kathleen: Tammy, I love what you’ve done with the place. The Christmas decorations look lovely.
Patty Lynn: You know I approve of any and all Christmas decorating. Getting it out this long before Thanksgiving is a little extreme, and I like it. I’m usually the only one on my block with them out so early.
Milton: Marietta, get that key so we don’t have to listen to this.
Marietta: Found it!
Milton: Thank god.
Patty Lynn: Y’all are no fun!
Kathleen: So, Tammy, what are you going to do with Mitch’s stuff until he gets here?
Tammy: I am so tired of this house being so empty. I’m gonna finally add some pizazz to it. Mitch sent all of the housing decor that I asked him to, so I’m getting to work on getting it out. Hopefully, it’s done by Saturday.
Patty Lynn: He’s coming on Saturday? Will that impact your attendance at family dinner?
Tammy: I don’t know yet. Probably. He’s not going to want me to leave only two hours after his flight gets in.
Patty Lynn: You can bring him. That offer is still on the table!
Marietta: Mom, she’s trying to let you down easy.
Patty Lynn: Stop putting words in her mouth!
Marietta: Tammy, what say you?
Tammy: I think we should keep bringing boxes into the house!
Marietta: She only gets like this when she’s trying to avoid answering something.
Tammy: I do not!
Patty Lynn: Does that mean you’ll be at family dinner?
Tammy: No, I’m gonna miss this one.
Marietta: An answer! Finally!
Patty Lynn: I’m making a pot roast. It’s not something you’ll want to miss!
Tammy: More for you guys.
Milton: I don’t mean to interrupt this very important talk of a dinner that’s happening in four days, but I’m having somewhat of a hard time carrying all of these boxes myself so I’d appreciate some help.
Tammy: Oh, I’m sorry. I completely forgot. Yes, I’ll help.
Marietta: Mom? You gonna help?
Kathleen: No.
Patty Lynn: Yes, I will help.
Milton: Good. Maybe at this rate, we can actually get all of the boxes in the house by Saturday.
Four days later, at the airport…
Marietta: When is Mitch going to get here? I’m freezing.
Tammy: You can get in the car, you don’t have to stand out with me.
Marietta: You’re a feeble old woman, I have to stay out to protect you. You might get mugged or something.
Tammy: I’m not some little old lady in a wheelchair. I was the First Lady of the United States, no one’s going to mug me.
Marietta: That’s faulty logic. Famous people get mugged. Look at poor Rick Moranis.
Tammy: Fine. Stay out with me and be cold in this seventy-degree weather.
Marietta: I’ll ask again. Do you know when Mitch will be here?
Tammy: He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago. He’s probably just running late.
Marietta: Or maybe someone kidnapped him.
Tammy: Stop watching Lifetime.
Marietta: You’re the one that won’t shut up about wanting to watch Scandal. That’s you. You.
Mitch: The kestrel has landed!
Marietta: The what has landed?
Tammy: Mitch! You’re here! Always right on time.
Mitch: Well… almost. I had to argue with airport security and tell them I didn’t need their help. They wouldn’t listen to me. You think being the former president of the United States would get you some more respect.
Marietta: Why did you call yourself a kestrel?
Mitch: It was my Secret Service code name.
Tammy: Mine was kingfisher.
Marietta: Cool.
Tammy: I thought it was
Mitch: Why is it so hot here? I feel like I’m in hell.
Tammy: You get used to it. Mostly by wearing capris and breezy blouses. Oh, wait. That might not work for you. You’ll find something cooler to wear. I promise.
Marietta: You know, we’re actually getting out of here earlier than I anticipated. Anyone want to go for lunch? Mitch, I have the perfect meal in mind to welcome you to New Orleans.
Tammy: It’s one o’clock.
Mitch: Tammy, not everyone eats lunch at nine AM like you do.
Tammy: I never eat lunch that early, I’m not a psychopath. At least, not since I moved here.
Marietta: I ruined her.
Tammy: Can’t ruin me if I was always broken.
Mitch: To answer your question, though: I would love to go for lunch. I’m practically starved after that flight, all I had to eat was a horrendous pack of stale pretzels with a club soda because the only drinks they had were that, room temperature water, and alcohol. I could use a good meal.
Marietta: Okay, that’s great. I hope you like olives because we’re going for an old-fashioned muffuletta sandwich. It’s the taste of the French Quarter.
Mitch: Sounds like a plan. I’m always up to try new things, even when those things sound like nonsense words.
Tammy? What? Since when are you open to trying new things?
Mitch: You’ve been away for two years. I had to entertain myself somehow. I tried calamari!
Tammy: So has everyone that’s been to Rhode Island. Did you go to Rhode Island without me?
Mitch: No. That place shouldn’t even be a state.
Tammy: I did go home to New York to see you every few months. Why didn’t you tell me about your newfound adventurous side then?
Mitch: I didn’t want to ruin how you saw me.
Tammy: As a lazy bum stuck in his way? You’re right, that’s every woman’s dream.
At Tammy’s…
Mitch: You’re right, Marietta. This is a helluva sandwich.
Marietta: I know! I force everyone I know to try it at least once. I’ve never met anyone that didn’t love it.
Tammy: Marietta makes me get one for her every week. She eats a quarter of it every day for lunch. Fridays are a challenge but she manages. By which I mean, she goes to the restaurant down the street to order a po' boy.
Marietta: We’re gonna get you one of those, too. You’re here for a while.
Mitch: I must say, it is different here than I imagined. I thought it was a huge party town and that was all there was to it. I was worried about Tammy living here on her own. This area of the city is really quiet and serene. Perfect for me.
Marietta: We love to party here, but we have a little slice of everything. We’re the most diverse community on earth.
Tammy: Do you think I could live in a party town? I’m way too boring for that.
Mitch: You sent me pictures of that Halloween party a few weeks ago, you can party when you want to.
Tammy: And who can forget your second inauguration.
Mitch: When you got drunk and danced with Stevie Nicks!
Tammy: I threw up in the Lincoln Bedroom that night.
Marietta: TMI.
Tammy: It had to be shared. You should feel honored that I chose you to share it with.
Marietta: I’m having fun, you guys! This lunch was nice! And to think, my mom wanted to rush you guys to get to family dinner.
Mitch: Family dinner?
Marietta: Yeah, she made a pot roast. We do it every Saturday since my brother became a senator. It keeps us together.
Tammy: I go with because I’m family.
Mitch: You said we were invited tonight?
Tammy: Yes, but I figu-
Mitch: We should go! I’ve never really met Marietta’s mom or aunt aside from a brief “hello,” I think it would be a nice way to get myself settled.
Marietta: You’re joking, right?
Mitch: No, it would be nice!
Marietta: You’re gonna regret this.
Mitch: No, I won’t. It’ll be fun!
Tammy: In that case, I’m going to get in the shower. Marietta, don’t eat the rest of my muffuletta.
That night, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Patty Lynn: Oh my god, Tammy! You came! Why didn’t you tell me you changed your mind?
Tammy: Damn, I knew I forgot something. Well, this is my husband, Mitch, everybody!
Patty Lynn: Mr. President, I am so excited to meet you!
Mitch: Just call me Mitch, if you don’t mind.
Patty Lynn: That’s right. Welcome to our home, Mitch.
Kathleen: You’re gonna want to turn back before you’re in too deep. This is an asylum.
Mitch: Marietta said the same thing. I’m not scared.
Milton: I’m so excited to see you again! Meeting you changed my life.
Mitch: We’ve met?
Milton: Yes, in 1991. It was your first run for President and I met you as a young state legislator. I was a bit disillusioned but you convinced me to keep up my work and I did.
Mitch: Now you're a Democratic senator from Louisiana. Practically a unicorn. I’m glad you took my advice, kid.
Milton: He just called me kid! I feel so young!
Marietta: You’re not.
Martin: Mitch, it’s so great to see you again. I still remember our cabinet meetings when I was your Secretary of Transportation. I worked under three presidents but you’re the only one that managed to make cabinet meetings enjoyable. I’ve missed you!
Mitch: I’ve missed you, too. It’s lovely to finally meet your whole family. I knew they’d be great, just based on my time with you and Marietta.
Martin: You should come sit down, Patty Lynn made a big feast for us all and it’ll be out momentarily.
Kathleen: She did turn the crockpot on this time, right?
Patty Lynn: Obviously, yes.
Kathleen: You never know with you.
Tammy: This is what it’s always like here. It’s a fun family dynamic.
Mitch: I love it! I’m so used to dinner parties with your friends being all stuffy and uptight like with Kate and Ellie. I love ‘em, but this is so much better. That’s who I was, this is who I am now. This is what a real American family looks like. This is relatable.
Marietta: Yes, two US Senators, a Representative, a cabinet Secretary, and a city councilor. The Landfields are so relatable. We’re real. Call us, E!
Mitch: You are relatable. This is how I imagine a real family. Joking around, sometimes at one another’s expense, but still laughing and loving each other because it’s all in good fun. I think I’m gonna like it here.
Patty Lynn: Here that, guys? He thinks he’s gonna like it here.
Eliza: You make us all fe-
Patty Lynn: The pot roast is ready! Dinner time!
Martin: Let’s give our new guest his food first.
Mitch: Oh, you don’t have to do that for me.
Martin: Nonsense! Of course, I need to give you your food first. You’re new here, you need to be given a warm welcome.
Amy: I didn’t get my food first at my first family dinner.
Marietta: That’s because you’re Amy. Any questions?
Tammy: I must say, you guys. This is really a dream. My second family and my husband all getting along so well. Also Amy.
Amy: Is this “pick on Amy day” or something?
Eliza: At least you get t-
Patty Lynn: I hope we get to do this every week. It bonds us all together.
Milton: Though, the more people we invite, the less time you all get to spend with me and that was the point of these. I can make an exception for President Yarborough, though.
Tammy: Don’t worry. I’ll drag him to all of these from now on. He’s gonna be a member of this family by the end of 2020.
What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return next week for an all-new episode!
