Jerry: It’s that time of year, everybody!
Betty: When the world falls in love and every song you hear seems to say “Merry Christmas”?
Jerry: Not everyone has already moved on to Christmas, Betty. It isn’t even Thanksgiving.
Frank: Yeah. No one else that I know puts up a Christmas countdown in September.
Betty: Shut up, Frank!
Jerry: It is, after an extended delay thanks to this virus, time for the Fall Run!
Teri: That’s happening this year? It’s almost Thanksgiving, why are they doing it now? We’re gonna freeze!
Betty: I can’t do anything in the cold.
Jerry: Luckily you don’t have to, because we have enough people to go on without you.
Betty: That’s not fair! You can’t exclude me!
Jerry: Do you enjoy being a drama queen?
Ralph: Yes. She thrives on it. It’s her oxygen. She’ll suffocate without having some sort of dramatic flare.
Jerry: I’m all healed up after last year’s accident an-
Teri: Thank god we don’t need to rely on Frank again. That was painful.
Frank: I won it for us!
Jerry: I’m gonna just ignore all of that and move on. There’s six challenges once again, most of last year’s are returning. We’ve got the mile run, the trivia dunk tank that is now set to be conducted indoors, an obstacle course, tug-of-war, lawn bowling and the new addition: a pumpkin pie baking contest. They had to scrap the pumpkin carving contest because it’s after Halloween now.
Steven: Oh, man. We won the pumpkin carving contest last year! What am I going to contribute to the group now? It was the only thing I did.
Tammi: We’ll find something for you. Don’t worry. You’re smart, you can do the dunk tank!
Jerry: I completely forgot to mention this. The Fall Run is in one week.
Teri: What? We have a week to get ourselves ready?
Velma: Have you seen this family lately? Quarantine took a toll on us.
Danielle: Yes, quarantine did it. Nothing else. That’s the sole reason I gained twenty pounds this year.
Velma: Glad we agree. This is in no way our fault.
Teri: Denial: it isn’t just a river in Egypt.
Jerry: So, is everyone ready to start training tomorrow?
Betty: What? Why would we do that?
Jerry: So we can win again. We’re the defending champions, we have to do well. The other teams know we’re a threat, we can’t just skate by this time. They’re going to be really prepared for this.
Teri: Jerry, it’s the neighborhood Fall Run. It isn’t the Olympics. I’ll prepare for it but you’re acting like there’s something on the line if we lose and there isn’t.
Jerry: A five-hundred dollar gift card to Mandello’s on Main is on the line.
Teri: That would be great to win but it’s not the end of the world if we lose it.
Cindy: I guess Teri’s passing for our next dinner at Mandello’s on Main if we lose.
Teri: I did not say that. I am way too poor for that.
Jerry: All right, all right. Enough everyone. Let’s get our assignments for the Fall Run. First, which three people are going to sit out? There’s only twelve people allowed to play and fifteen of us.
Betty: Frank -
Frank: Are we really going to do this again?
Betty: You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say that Frank has proved himself and shouldn’t be asked to sit out this time.
Frank: You were?
Betty: Yes! I can be nice to you sometimes.
Frank: That’s very nice and unexpected.
Betty: I’m full of surprises.
Jerry: So we’ve gotten nowhere. Great. Who wants to sit out?
Daphne: I’m barely part of this family, I’ll sit on the bench for this one.
Carlene: Oh sweetie, don’t feel that way. This is your family.
Daphne: Just let me sit out, mom.
Carlene: Okay, fine.
Jerry: That’s one!
Zeke: I’m sitting out, too. I need to relax. I’ve been struggling since I got home from rehab, I need all the rest I can when I’m not working.
Cindy: We’re very proud of you for getting help. Of course you can sit out.
Ralph: You were one of our best players!
Cindy: Ralph! Let him sit out.
Ralph: Fine, I will. Sorry, Zeke.
Jerry: One more needs to sit out. So close.
Velma: I can think of someone.
Jerry: Velma? You? I’m shocked! You always want to be part of every family event.
Velma: God no, not me. Imagine a family event without me. Can’t do it! No, my blob of a husband. The one who’s somehow managed to fall asleep during the family meeting.
Jerry: Mitchell, you cool with sitting out?
Mitchell: Yeah, I like sitting.
Jerry: Not what I asked, but okay! We’ve picked our team members, now we can pick who will compete in each event. Three people can participate in each, everyone sign up for at least one even on this sheet.
Jerry passes around a signup sheet and it is returned to him.
Jerry: You know, I get that tug-of-war is a rough one, but how am I the only one that signed up for it?
Betty: I’ll do it!
Cindy: Mom, no!
Teri: Yeah, you’re very fragile. We don’t need you breaking a hip.
Jerry: Yeah, I heard the Fogelmans are ruthless and they're supposed to be our rivals in the tug-of-war. We can’t have Betty getting hurt, she’d never let me hear the end of it.
Betty: Fine, fine. I’ll just stick with baking pumpkin pie like a loser who can’t do anything physical because I’m a delicate little lily who can’t get damaged.
Jerry: Glad to see you're taking it well. Who else wants to do it?
Velma: Ralph never signed up.
Jerry: He didn’t? Wow, he really didn’t. How’d I miss that?
Ralph: Thanks for ratting me out.
Velma: If I need to be dunked in a dunk tank in mid-November, you can help with the tug-of-war. It’s family, we don’t do any of this because it’s fun, we do it to keep the peace.
Ralph: You were excited about doing this like ten minutes ago.
Velma: That’s before all the good ones were taken up. Lawn bowling, the obstacle course, and even pumpkin pie baking all were great but these vultures took them all on me.
Ralph: I’m a chef. I make food for a living. Imagine my disappointment at not being able to do the thing I do best in order to help us win.
Cindy: I signed up to do it with mom and dad because I thought it would be fun. Is the so wrong?
Teri: You thought baking with mom would be fun? That is wrong.
Betty: I’m fun!
Teri: You’re a lunatic.
Karl: A fun lunatic!
Betty: You think I’m a lunatic?
Karl: No, no!
Teri: Yes you do. You know her better than any of us, you know she is.
Ralph: So I take it no one’s going to let me do the pumpkin pie contest?
Cindy: No, I want to do it and you should’ve got to it first.
Ralph: Wow, test today I see.
Jerry: Ralph, I’m putting you down for tug-of-war.
Ralph: Fine. Resisting isn’t worth it in this family. It’s just a losing battle.
Teri: You’re just realizing that now? You’re like fifty.
Ralph: Not yet!
Jerry: Who wants to be our third team member for the tug-of-war. Come on, me and Ralph are great teammates.
Teri: You know what? I’ll do it. It sounds like fun and unlike mom, I’m not a bird.
Karl: Good for you, Teri.
Betty: She isn’t acting like a hostage anymore, it’s so sweet, I could almost cry.
Teri: I want to win, as we all do. Who else is gonna do it? Frank? Hell no.
Frank: I’m not bad at the Fall Run, you all need to stop.
Teri: It’s so much fun, though!
Tammi: Not for Frank!
Teri: If I wasn’t picking on Frank, who would I pick on?
Tammi: Maybe no one?
Teri: Where is the fun in that?
Jerry: Okay, we’ve settled it. Everyone knows what they’ll be doing for the Fall Run. This family meeting is over!
Tammi: Is it? We need to discuss how everyone treats my husband.
Jerry: You can do that if you want but I will not be here. We start training tomorrow everyone, be up early and ready to get to work.
Carlene: Can I ask one question?
Jerry: Sure, what is it?
Carlene: What is a “Fall Run” exactly? I wanted to ask but I didn’t want to interrupt your fun.
Cindy: You’re gonna get him started all over again.
Jerry: You saw all the events on the sheet, right?
Cindy: Yes, that I saw.
Jerry: So, the Fall Run is a competition among families in this neighborhood combining athletic skill, trivia and baking skills to determine a Fall Run champion. The HOA does it every year and we won last year on our first turn.
Teri: I distinctly remember you injuring yourself and not helping us win anything last year.
Jerry: You couldn’t have done it without my hard work training you guys.
Tammi: Or without Frank jumping in to save us.
Betty: Again with Frank. Stop reminding us that he exists.
Frank: I do exist! And I don’t appreciate being treated like this. I won’t participate in it this year if you’re all gonna treat me like this. How about that?
Betty: Don’t be so sensitive.
Frank: I can drop out of this thing at any moment and let Mitchell replace me if I don’t get some respect around here.
Mitchell: Oh god no! Start treating this man better, please!
Velma: Oh shut it, Mitchell. Maybe some exercise could do you some good. Your bed isn’t going anywhere, tubby.
Mitchell: Is that the way to talk to the man of your dreams?
Velma: No, and when I meet that man, I’ll talk nicer to him.
Jerry: Look at the Fall Run bringing us together already!
The next morning…
Jerry: Wow, look at all of these jolly, happy faces! You’re all clearly so excited for the Fall Run!
Danielle: This is my day to sleep in. You ruined my sleep-in day. We better win.
Jerry: We can only win if we practice. So, to start this day of practice, we’re all going for a mile run around the neighborhood.
Betty: How does this help me bake a pumpkin pie?
Jerry: It doesn’t. It only make you feel more connected with the rest of us that are doing the physical events. It’s good for your body, too.
Betty: My body? Oh, this thing’s shot.
Jerry: It doesn’t have to be.
Betty: It is.
Cindy: Are we gonna get going or are we just gonna talk? I’m ready to move!
Velma: I love you, but right now, I hate you.
Cindy: Thank you!
Jerry: We’re gonna go now. Follow me, I figured out exactly where to walk to stretch this out to one mile. If the neighbors try to talk to us, ignore them. Let’s try to do this quickly so we can get to practicing the other events.
Betty: You mean baking pumpkin pie? Are we all going to do that to feel “connected?”
Ralph: I would love that, I miss making pumpkin pie.
Jerry: You’re not going to let up on this, are you?
Ralph: When does she?
Twenty-five minutes later…
Betty: That was lovely!
Frank: You’re the last one here. Just so you know, I was the first one here. I beat Jerry home.
Jerry: You weren’t supposed to do that, actually.
Frank: Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I especially couldn’t resist pointing it out to Betty and Teri and Ralph and everyone that’s always so rude to me that I’m good at something! I’m going to help us win!
Teri: This is just sad at this point. Constantly trying to prove himself to us. Get it together, man.
Frank: What? I’m finally good at something and you still find something to criticize me for? You guys are just mean.
Teri: You say that like you’re telling me something I don’t know. Stop taking it so seriously, I’m only joking.
Frank: I will not stop trying to defend myself!
Steven: Dad, please. You scare me when you get like this.
Ralph: Now you’re scaring your son. Nice going.
Jerry: I’m just going to walk away and move on to lawn bowling because we don’t have time for so much drama.
Carlene: Thank god. I’ve been dying to test out my bowling skills since I signed up for this last night. Never done it before.
Velma: You signed up for something you’ve never done before? In a family this competitive. Your funeral.
The next day, at the Fall Run, the family runs into one of their top rivals, The Fogelmans…
Jerry: Oh, look who it is!
John Fogelman: Look, Sheryl. It’s the Bellwoods.
Jerry: Actually, we’re the Bellwood-Delacroix-Howerton-McGinty-Gunningtons.
John: Oh, lovely.
Sheryl: No matter your name, we’re still gonna kick your asses today.
Jerry: You guys just move into a neighborhood and think you own the place. I almost admire your chutzpah.
Sheryl: The other neighbors told us that that’s exactly what you were like last year. How does a taste of your own medicine feel?
Jerry: We were not like the.
Cindy: Jerry, you weren’t here last year. You should’ve seen mom. She screamed at like nine other families and called them losers.
Betty: Can’t confirm or deny that.
Sheryl: You’re such hypocrites and have a real delusion of grandeur. I can’t wait to wipe those smirks off your faces. See ya!
Jerry: You will never be the rivals that the Canters were, just know that!
John and Sheryl walk away.
Tammi: What the heck was that?
Cindy: Some people take this neighborhood game far too seriously.
Teri: Not your husband, of course. He’d never do that.
Jerry: I’m ignoring you.
Teri: What else is new?
Two hours later…
Jerry: This is going to be a close one, guys. The Fogelmans and the Dreers crushed us at lawn bowling.
Carlene: I’m sorry I bombed so badly, guys.
Velma: I wonder why that would be?
Carlene: I practiced a lot this week, I really did think I was getting better.
Velma: I saw you practicing. There’s no way you thought that.
Carlene: I was! Did you see how bad I was on Saturday?
Danielle: Don’t act like this was all on Carlene, everyone.
Carlene: Thank you, Danielle!
Danielle: Sure, it was mostly her fault, but Cindy and I didn’t do as well as we should’ve, either.
Cindy: That’s true. I missed a lot of pins when I shouldn’t have.
Velma: Not nearly as many as, you know…
Carlene: Can you knock it off?
Velma: I’m just teasing! I really don’t care if we lose, I just don’t want to hear Jerry whine.
Jerry: I don’t whine!
Cindy: Honey…
Jerry: I was single-handedly responsible for winning the tug-of-war competition.
Teri: You were what now?
Jerry: Come on, I was clearly the strongest, even if I was in the hardest position to be in.
Teri: You wouldn’t have won without a strong third teammate. Imagine if I would’ve let mom play!
Betty: I would’ve done well!
Karl: You might have died.
Betty: I would not have!
Jerry: We all do need to give Betty some credit, though. She won that pumpkin pie contest for us, even if the Fogelmans did cheat and stole our recipe.
Karl: We don’t know the for sure.
Jerry: Oh, we do.
Karl: Okay, we do.
Jerry: We are narrowly in the lead right now, so all we need to do is hold onto the lead. We need to keep beating the Fogelmans in every contest and we win.
Velma: What about the Harmons? They’re in third right now.
Jerry: Not a threat in any way. I once saw that man drink from a hose. You think I’m scared of them?
Two hours later…
Teri: I refuse to believe that that happened.
Betty: I’m going to sit down at home and just think about what transpired today. It’s frightening.
Frank: You’re really that upset that I saved our asses a second year in a row?
Teri: Yes! Of course we are!
Jerry: You’re the man, Frank!
Teri: No! Don’t you ever even dare to say that.
Jerry: We fell behind after the obstacle course. He killed it for a second year in a row at the mile run. We would’ve lost without him.
Frank: We are the champions, my friends.
Teri: God, he’s gonna be so annoying for the next few days.
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
