Our House Season 2 Episode 5 - Our Cousin

 Our House Season 2, Episode 5
Our Cousin

Betty is sitting in bed watching television when she gets a call from Cindy.
Betty: Cindy! What’s the matter? You never call me so late!
Cindy: Mom, you’re never going to believe this.
Betty: What’s wrong? It better be good, you're interrupting the episode of Saturday Night Live that I’m watching.  Tina Fey’s the host, you know I love her!
Cindy: That’s a repeat.
Betty: What? No it’s not!
Cindy: It’s quarter after ten. SNL airs at 11:30!
Betty: Oh. Well I haven’t seen this one, at least.
Cindy: We’re getting off track!
Betty: Yeah, why did you call?
Cindy: Mom, we’re at the club and we met a woman who says she’s Uncle Dave’s daughter.
Betty: Which Uncle Dave? Certainly not my brother!
Karl: My brother didn’t have a secret kid either!
Cindy: Do you have me on speaker phone?
Betty: Yes, Cindy, I couldn’t hear over the sound of the TV and I couldn’t find the mute button. Now can you tell me which Uncle Dave this woman claims is her father!
Cindy: Your Dave, mom.
Betty: That can’t be. My brother would have told me if he had another daughter.
Cindy: Mom, I just know.
Betty: What do you know?
Cindy: This is Dave’s kid. It’s uncanny.
Betty: Are you sure?
Cindy: Her facial features are just too similar. You can’t deny it. You have to trust me.
Betty: Can we meet this woman?
Cindy: I asked her, she said she’d like to meet everyone.
Betty: I think it would be best if we just had a small, intimate dinner with this woman. Maybe just you and me and your father.
Cindy: When do you want to have dinner with her?
Betty: Ask her if tomorrow works. I don’t have plans and I’m anxious to meet her.
Cindy: I’ll ask her and tell you what she says when I get home. Just be awake then!
Betty: One more quick thing. What’s her name?
Cindy: Carlene.
Betty: Oh, wow. Totally not a Dave name.
Cindy: I don’t think Dave picked it out.
Betty: That would make sense.
Cindy: I really should be going, I’ll talk to you when I get home in about an hour.
Betty: Talk to you then. Love you, bye.
Betty hangs up the phone.
Karl: So what are you going to tell everyone?
Betty: I don’t know. I think I’ll wait until I talk to Cindy when she gets home.
Karl: Sounds like a plan. Now, can we get back to SNL?
Betty: Sure.
One hour later, Cindy returns home and dashes up the stairs to Betty and Karl’s room.
Cindy: Mom!
Karl: She fell asleep.
Cindy: What? She couldn’t stay awake for this?
Karl: She’s old, Cindy.
Cindy: So are you, but you stayed awake.
Karl: Hey!
Betty: Wha- what’s going on?
Karl: You fell asleep dear.
Betty: Oh Cindy, I’m sorry!
Cindy: It’s fine. You’re awake now.
Betty: So what did Carlene say?
Cindy: She wants to have dinner with us, tomorrow at 4:30 at Mandello’s on Main.
Betty: Mandello’s? We’re going there a lot lately.
Cindy: I know. Isn’t it great?
Betty: They do have the best food in town, that’s what their ads say. They wouldn’t lie.
Cindy: They would, they’re a business, but they aren’t in this case.
Karl: Are we shooting an ad for Mandello’s or are we talking about our new family member?
Cindy: That’s right, Carlene. There’s not really that much more to say. She was there with her daughter and she wanted to get home so she left soon after I talked to you.
Karl: She has a daughter and she took her to the bar?
Cindy: Well it’s really more of a nightclub slash restaurant. And also it’s her daughter’s 21st birthday so they were out celebrating.
Betty: How old is this woman?
Cindy: 45, just like me.
Betty: You’re 45?
Cindy: Yes mom.
Betty: I just forgot that you and Ralph had such a big gap between you and Teri.
Cindy: Mom, Teri is 39.
Betty: Oh my god, she is? I guess I just internalized that. I didn't want to think of the fact that my daughter is almost 40 and she still isn’t married or a mother.
Cindy: Ralph’s not married either. And he doesn’t have any kids. At least, none we know of.
Betty: That’s different, though. I always knew Ralph was never giving me grand babies. But Teri? I at least thought she’d give me one before Tammi made me a great-grandmother.
Karl: I think we’re getting off-topic here.
Cindy: It’s late, and I’m feeling a little buzzed to be honest. I took about three shots of tequila when she came over to me and said she was my cousin. I think it’s probably for the best that we just go to bed and talk about this tomorrow after church. Or before. Doesn’t matter to me. Just don’t tell anyone else. They’ll all want to come to our dinner and I don’t want to bombard the poor woman on the first date. We’re a lot to take in.
Betty: Good night Cindy.
Karl: We should get some sleep, too. This is later than usual for us.
Betty: Let’s just stay up! Will Ferrell’s hosting SNL, I love him!
Karl: Alright. But don’t get upset if I fall asleep. You had a half-hour nap, I didn’t.
The next day, on the way to Mandello’s…
Cindy: I can’t believe they all just bought our story that we were going to Home Depot to shop for Christmas inflatables.
Karl: Yeah, about that. Don’t we need to some home with some now?
Betty: I can run in and out in about 5 minutes and grab a few. I have a way with decorations.
Karl: So that entire story was just an elaborate way for you to get more Christmas decorations?
Betty: Yes, yes it was.
Karl: I guess it worked.
Betty: So what are we going to say to Carlene when we meet her?
Cindy: Just act casual, she’s got to feel comfortable around us or we’ll push her away.
Betty: Who wouldn’t be comfortable around me?
Cindy: Everybody.
Betty: I am - not surprised by that snarky response.
Cindy: You shouldn’t be. I’ve been picking some things up from Teri.
Betty: My little angel.
Cindy: Your little snark machine is more like it.
Karl: Focus, ladies.
Cindy: I keep forgetting that we’re going to meet with Carlene.
Betty: Probably because we’ve known about her existence for less than 24 hours.
Karl: We’re here!
Betty: What? Already? That was so fast.
Karl: Because it’s only ten minutes down the road. That’s the real reason why we come here so often.
Betty: Oh, that’s right.
Betty, Karl and Cindy walk into Mandello’s, where Carlene is sitting.
Karl: Where is she, Cindy?
Betty: Table 5.
Karl: What? You don’t even know her.
Betty: I see what Cindy was talking about. She looks like my brother.
Cindy: I know, it’s crazy!
Carlene: Cindy! It’s nice to see you again.
Cindy: Hi Cindy! I’d like to introduce you to my parents -
Carlene: Karl and Betty. I know who you are.
Betty: How?
Carlene: How do you think I knew who Cindy was at the bar? I looked you all up on Ancestry when my mom told me about who my father is.
Betty: You mom, um, who is she?
Carlene: I don’t think she knew you. Her and Dave only went out for a few weeks and he never knew about me.
Betty: This is so crazy.
Carlene: I know. I didn’t believe it myself. But the fact that my mother was telling me on her deathbed made me realize it was probably the truth. She even had an old photo album with a picture of my father in it and that further convinced me.
Betty: So your mother passed away recently? I’m so sorry for your loss.
Carlene: Thank you. It wasn’t unexpected. She was suffering for a long time and I’m glad she’s now at peace. I still miss her, though.
Betty: Of course you do. I lost my mom ten years ago and I still miss her dearly. It never goes away, but with the help of your loved ones, you do heal again.
Carlene: That’s why I started looking for you guys. I’ve been living less than twenty miles away from this huge extended family and I only learned you existed two months ago. Now I want to get to know you all.
Cindy: We want to get to know you, too.
Carlene: Did you tell everyone about me already?
Cindy: No, not exactly. Our family is very pushy and we wanted to get a chance to meet with you today before we brought all of their insanity along with us.
Carlene: Oh, I see. I do hope you’ll tell them all soon, though. The sooner I get to meet them, the better.
Betty: I agree. We’ll tell them right when we get home. I think they'll be very excited to hear about you.
Carlene: I sure hope so.
Betty: Do you have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving? Maybe you can come over to our house for dinner.
Carlene: I don’t have anywhere else to go and I think that would be a fun opportunity, so sure, I’ll come over.
Betty: Great!
An hour later, Betty, Karl and Cindy return home.
Betty: Everyone, please get to the living room! We have some big news!
Tammi: This better be important, I’m making dinner.
Betty: Oh don’t worry, we already ate.
Tammi: What? But you said you were going to Home Depot.
Betty: Dammit! We forgot to stop!
Tammi: Where were you?
Teri: Yeah, Mom. Where were you? And why were Cindy and Dad involved in this week’s scheme?
Cindy: I believe some this story needs some context.
Teri: Oh my god, what is going on?
Velma: I came as quick as I could, I was in the shower. What did I miss?
Teri: Nothing yet. They’re just being super sketchy.
Cindy: Okay, so I was at the bar yesterday and I met a woman who claims to be Uncle Dave’s daughter.
Ralph: Which Uncle Dave? We have two.
Cindy: Mom’s brother. Anyway, everything about her checked out and we went to meet her today. She was lovely, and she’s coming over for dinner on Thanksgiving.
Teri: Huh?
Cindy: We have a new cousin we never knew about and she’s coming over for Thanksgiving dinner.
Teri: I heard all of that. I’m just confused as to how we’re letting this woman we don’t even know come to our family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Cindy: Everything is fine. She is absolutely Dave’s kid.
Teri: So she had a paternity test done and let you see the results?
Karl:  Actually, that she didn’t do.
Teri: I would expect this from Cindy and Betty. Not from you, dad.
Betty: Teri, don’t be so skeptical.
Teri: Scammers exist. For all we know, she’s just scamming us. You have to think things through!
Betty: We’ll ask her about a paternity test when we see her. It’s all fine. It’s just a Thanksgiving dinner, what could go wrong?
Teri: So much. Have you met this family?
On Thanksgiving Day…
Betty: Oh, there’s a knock at the door. Carlene must be here!
Tammi: Well it’s not like anyone else is coming. Right?
Betty: Right.
Carlene: Hi everyone! I’m Carlene, and I guess we’re all family. Betty, could you introduce me to everyone since there’s way too many people for me to know who they all are?
Betty: Okay, so this is my granddaughter Tammi and her husband Frank and their son Steven.
Tammi: Hi, we’re very excited to meet you.
Carlene: Same to you.
Betty: This is Ralph, your cousin, and my son.
Carlene: Hi Ralph, it’s nice to meet you.
Ralph: Are you registered to vote? You should be!
Carlene: No, can’t say I am.
Ralph: I can help you get registered if you’d like.
Carlene: Sure. That sounds… great.
Betty: This is my nephew Mitchell and his wife Velma.
Carlene: Nice to meet you guys.
Betty: And here is my daughter’s friend Danielle.
Carlene: Hi there, I didn’t know about you but I’m glad to meet you.
Danielle: Looks like we’re in the same boat!
Betty: Here’s my granddaughter Zeke and his girlfriend Amelia.
Carlene: Lovely to meet you both.
Betty: And this is my daughter Teri.
Carlene: I’ve been excited to meet you, your mom talked about you a lot when we went out for dinner last week.
Teri: Hey.
Carlene: I want to introduce everyone to my daughter, Daphne. She’s not going to stick around since her friend asked her over for Thanksgiving already, but she was dropping me off and I asked her to step in really quickly to meet everyone.
Betty: It’s lovely to meet you, Daphne. We’re glad to have you in the family.
Daphne: This is all really surreal but it’s really nice to meet you all. I’ll see you again later, I guess.
Betty: So now that everyone knows everyone else, let’s get to dinner!
30 minutes later…
Carlene: This green bean casserole is really good, who made it?
Teri: That would be me. Glad you like it.
Karl: It really is good, sweetie.
Teri: Thank you.
Mitchell: This is the most awkward Thanksgiving I’ve ever experienced.
Betty: Nothing is awkward here. Everything’s fine.
Mitchell: No, I think it’s awkward.
Teri: Mitchell, shut up.
Mitchell: Okay, fine. Happy Thanksgiving to Mitch.
Betty: I want to learn some more about you, Carlene. Where are you living now?
Carlene: Well, I’m not really sure where I’ll be living pretty soon. My mom paid the rent for our house for three months after she died, and there’s only one month of that left. I don’t have the money to pay to stay where I live now, so I’ve been looking for somewhere to stay. I don’t have any siblings or anything and I work long shifts during the week, so it’s pretty much just been Daphne that’s been searching for us. It’s been hard on us.
Betty: Come stay with us!
Carlene: Oh, I could never. I don’t want to mooch off of you guys. I just met you.
Teri: Damn right. We don’t even know Carlene, Mom. She didn’t even show us a paternity test, she could just be some loon trying to scam us or try to rob us or something.
Carlene: I could see how you would think that. I really do. But I just never got a chance to do that since I couldn’t get ahold of my father’s DNA. I tried, but they said I would either need his DNA or one of my dad’s sibling’s DNA or a grandparent’s DNA.
Betty: I could help you with that, even if I don’t need a paternity test done for me to know we’re related. I think it’ll help everyone put their concerns aside.
Carlene: That would be so great, thank you!
Teri: You not having a paternity test actually makes a lot of sense now. I’m sorry.
Carlene: It’s fine. I’m not mad at all. I watch Dateline, I know there’s a lot of crazy people in this world and I get not trusting someone who just pops into your life claiming to be related.
Teri: I believe you, I really do. I’m just naturally skeptical, that’s all.
Betty: Look at me, bringing this family together!
Cindy: That’s right, you’re a hero.
Betty: So Carlene, will you stay with us? What would be paying to live here will be a heck of a lot cheaper than anywhere else and we can all get to know each other better. There’s no downside.
Carlene: Alright. I’ll do it. But I want to pay jut as much as everyone else, it’s only fair.
Betty: Oh sweetie. That really wouldn’t be fair. Just wait until you see your bedroom. It’s going to be so much smaller than ours. Velma will work out a price that’s actually fair.

What did you think of tonight's episode? Make sure to comment your thoughts below and catch a new episode in two weeks!

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