Gretchen is sitting in a backstage room at Tammy’s Minneapolis Election Night party with Carol, Susana, Anthony, Lucinda and Christina.
Christina: Mom, I’m scared.
Lucinda: We’re Democrats. We’re always scared.
Christina: We already lost Indiana, Kentucky and West Virginia. Florida, Georgia, and Virginia are too close to call. South Carolina is too early to call but we’re behind even though we campaigned there.
Lucinda: But hey, we won Vermont!
Gretchen: It’s almost 8 o’clock, we’re gonna learn what’s really going on now. Don’t panic about the early states. We don’t need any of them.
Carol: Other than Virginia. Virginia should not be close.
Gretchen: They’re just being cautious. It’ll all work out.
Lucinda: You better be right. I’m old and I don’t want to die with a Republican president.
Anthony: That’s morbid. Even for you.
Lucinda: Better to know your own mortality than be surprised by it.
Ron knocks on the door.
Susana: You scared me!
Ron: You shouldn’t sit in front of the door then!
Susana: I wasn’t expecting company.
Gretchen: Ron, what’s up?
Ron: Morale check, that’s all. Polls are about to close in a whole slew of states, just want to make sure you’re all good. Tammy’s currently chowing down on a whole bucket of Ben & Jerry’s ahead of the 8 PM closings because she is terrified.
Gretchen: That’s sweet of you, Ron. We’re all good here. Just anticipating the results like everyone.
Ron: I’ll leave you alone, then. I gotta get back to Tammy before the polls close and Delphy gains more ground thanks to Alabama and the like.
Gretchen: Bye, Ron.
Ron exists and the group turns up the volume on the election coverage. Cable hosts Dan Freberg and Eleanor Spitz are hosting.
Eleanor: It is 8 PM on the east coast and we can make some classification and projections now.
Dan: Alabama and its nine electoral votes go to Brian Delphy.
Eleanor: In her biggest pickup so far tonight, Tammy Koobach carries Connecticut and its seven electoral votes. Delaware is too early to call.
Gretchen: Delaware is what?
Dan: The District of Columbia gives its three votes to Koobach in what is expected to be her largest margin of victory.
Lucinda: Duh.
Dan: Illinois and its twenty electoral votes go comfortably to Koobach, tying the candidates.
Eleanor: Three of Maine’s four electoral votes fall to Tammy Koobach, while one is too early to call but Delphy is ahead.
Dan: Maryland also falls easily into the Koobach column, as does Massachusetts, for twenty-one total electoral votes between the two.
Eleanor: Mississippi’s six votes go to Delphy, as do the ten votes of Missouri.
Dan: New Hampshire is too close to call, with Koobach in the driver’s seat there.
Christina: Mom, I thought we were going to win easily there! There’s a New Englander on the ticket!
Gretchen: New Hampshire is its own thing.
Eleanor: New Jersey gives its fourteen votes to the Koobach/Raymond ticket.
Gretchen: Thank you, Bruce Springsteen!
Eleanor: Ruby-red Oklahoma gives its seven-vote haul to Brian Delphy. Meanwhile, crucial swing state Pennsylvania is too close to call with a lead for Koobach.
Dan: Rhode Island, the home state of Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Gretchen Raymond, gives its four electoral votes to Koobach and Raymond.
Eleanor: I guess you can call it Raymond Island!
Gretchen: Well, that’s what I’m calling it from now on.
Eleanor: The final 8 PM poll closing, Tennessee, is giving its eleven electoral votes to Delphy.
Dan: We’ve also just got word that South Carolina, previously too early to call, is projected to give its nine electoral votes to Delphy.
Eleanor: This now leaves Delphy with seventy-six electoral votes to Koobach’s seventy-five. Delphy leads in states with an additional seventy-nine electoral votes that are too close or early to call, while Koobach leads in similar states totaling forty electoral votes.
Gretchen: Well, that isn’t good.
Christina: Now I’m really scared. Every swing state is trending in Delphy’s direction.
Carol: We’re not going to worry. We still have a real chance. Some of these are so close, they can flip in an instant.
Anthony: I’m going to go call Mary to see how Toby is doing.
Gretchen: I’m glad he isn’t here in the event that this goes badly. He doesn’t need to see me cry. Again.
Lucinda: You need to stop doing that around him. You’re a mess lately.
Gretchen: In my defense, I did almost get kidnapped.
Lucinda: Come on. The FBI stopped that.
Gretchen: Oh, okay. Since it was stopped, it’s not scary.
Lucinda: Right.
Christina: Like you weren’t scared, grandma!
Lucinda: Don’t. Not now.
One hour later…
Gretchen: I feel ill.
Carol: Don’t panic!
Gretchen: How do I not panic?
Carol: It’s only one state!
Gretchen: It’s Ohio! A crucial bellwether, a swing state, somewhere that should be close.
Carol: Ohio’s voted to the right of the nation multiple times.
Gretchen: It’s not just Ohio! It’s also Arkansas and Louisiana and Nebraska and the Dakotas and Wyoming!
Susana: Those are all much redder than Ohio. Sure, Delphy picked up a lot of states at 9 PM but we picked up New Mexico and New York and there’s also a bunch of uncalled states we can win.
Gretchen: We contested Kansas. I sent Marietta there.
Carol: That was always more for the Senate race.
Gretchen: And how are we doing in the Senate race?
Carol: Well…
Gretchen: Exactly! This is very bad!
Lucinda: What happened to “don’t panic?”
Gretchen: That went out the window an hour ago and you know it!
Anthony: Must I remind you that Koobach is leading in both projected states and in the close ones? This isn’t over. Just win the Pacific coast and we won!
Carol: They just called Virginia for Koobach!
Anthony: See! Positive news again!
Gretchen: Okay, I’m calming down. I believe that we will win.
Susana: I believe that we will win!
Carol: What are you doing?
Susana: I thought I was starting something fun. I guess I was wrong.
Carol: Yeah, no chants. Too serious right now.
One hour later…
Dan: It’s a tight race for the presidency here in America. Democratic Minnesota Senator Tammy Koobach, long seen as a long-shot in this election, is leading Republican West Virginia Governor Brian Delphy in the closest election since 2004.
Eleanor: It’s 10 o’clock in New York and it is again time to project the four states closing at this hour.
Dan: Where Iowa’s six electoral votes will go is too early to call, but Delphy has the edge.
Eleanor: Montana, the Big Sky state, was once seen as a potential upset for the Democrats but will instead go to Brian Delphy in what is said to be a comfortable victory.
Dan: Nevada is too close to call, with a narrow lead for Koobach. Utah will be carried by Delphy.
Eleanor: Dan, we just got word that Texas has gone to Delphy.
Dan: And with that call, Delphy takes a lead in states with calls, though Koobach is leading in more states that aren’t yet called.
Gretchen: We didn’t need Texas, it’ll be all right.
Carol: We got Pennsylvania, it’s okay.
Lucinda: And after Gretch insulted the most important part of the state. Good job, you didn’t completely screw this one up!
Gretchen: Thank you. I’m so touched.
Dan: More news is here, this time from the midwest.
Eleanor: Ooh, this is so exciting!
Gretchen: No it isn’t! It’s terrifying!
Dan: Even as Delphy pulls ahead in Wisconsin, we can now call Koobach’s home state of Minnesota for her. Also, in a surprisingly early call, Michigan will go to Tammy Koobach.
Eleanor: This is a state that the Koobach campaign has stressed greatly over and one that many expected to be very tight. Their governor, Gina Whilder, was a top contender to be Koobach’s Vice President, until being passed over in favor of Gretchen Raymond. Thankfully for the Koobach campaign, this wasn’t a decision that cost her.
Carol: We won, Gretchen. We won.
Gretchen: We won?
Carol: We won.
Anthony: Oh my god, you're gonna be the Vice President.
Christina: Mom, I’m so proud of you!
Lucinda: I am, too.
Gretchen: Wow. Wow. I can’t believe this. Carol, you said we were gonna lose!
Susana: Just to defend my mother, no one saw this coming. Delphy turned out to be far crazier than anyone anticipated.
Gretchen: And thank god for that!
Christina: I’m gonna call Toby.
Anthony: you think he’s awake?
Christina: Of course!
Gretchen: Can I call him instead?
Christina: Absolutely! This is your moment.
Tammy: Actually, it’s mine. And yours, too, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Tammy! We did it!
Tammy: We sure did. We might not have campaigned there much, but Michigan came through for us. I want you to go out and address the crowd now that they’re fired up.
Gretchen: Sure can do. I’m just going to call my son up and then I’ll go talk.
Tammy: Thank you. We’re gonna be such a great team in the White House!
Gretchen: I agree! See you after the speech!
Gretchen calls home and Mary answers.
Mary: Gretchen! I just saw that you won Michigan! You said that was a huge one, congratulations!
Gretchen: Thank you, Mary. How are things in Rhode Island?
Mary: Great. People on my Facebook are really excited after they were really sad before.
Gretchen: How about my son, Mary?
Mary: Oh! Toby was supposed to go to bed but he won’t go until you win.
Gretchen: He’s awake yet? Great! Can I talk to him?
Mary: That’s why you called, isn’t it?
Gretchen: Yes, it is.
Mary: I should’ve assumed it. It’s always “Hey, Mary, can you do me a favor?” and never “Hey, Mary, how are you doing? How do you feel? How much wine have you had?”
Gretchen: Are you drinking while you’re watching my son?
Mary: No! Never! I’ll put him on.
Toby: Hi, mommy!
Gretchen: Toby! Has Aunt Mary been drinking?
Toby: Yes. We’re sharing
Gretchen: Sharing? Sharing wine? Oh, my god.
Toby: We’ve been drinking soda.
Gretchen: Thank goodness, you worried me.
Toby: What’s going on? I miss you.
Gretchen: I just wanted to tell you something. First of all, go to bed!
Toby: I will, I will. Aunt Mary keeps telling me the same thing.
Gretchen: Good, she’s doing something right. Second, I wanted to tell you that I think I’m about to become Vice President. I think Tammy and I won, Toby.
Toby: You did? You’re gonna be Vice President?
Gretchen: Yes! I need to get back to the watch party here, but I wanted you to know that things were going well. I will see you so soon, kiddo.
Toby: Bye mom!
Gretchen hangs up and approaches the stage.
Carol: Good luck, Madam Vice President.
Gretchen: Oh, my god. I can’t believe those words are being used to describe me.
Susana: Get used to it! We’re gonna wear it out by the time this is done.
Gretchen walks out onto the stage.
Gretchen: We did it! We did the impossible! The pundits, the pollsters, the Republicans, they all said that this wasn’t possible. They said we didn’t have a prayer. We sure showed them. From Maine to Virginia, from Pennsylvania to Michigan, from Nevada to Colorado, we turned out. Barring some unexpected shocker in California or Washington, Tammy Koobach and I are headed to the White House, all because of you and the million across America who stayed in line when it was uncomfortable, campaigned for us on the ground, sent us small-dollar donations when they could afford it, and worked hard to elect us and elect Democrats all up and down the ballot. We did it because of you Let’s not lie, this isn’t some landslide victory, but it’s a victory. Pat yourselves on the back and celebrate, because this is your win and you need to give yourselves that credit. Mission accomplished, guys! Tammy and I, we’re just people. Two moms on a mission to make America a better place to live for everyone. You are the ones who made this a success. Tammy will have a lot more to say once this is official, so for now I’ll leave you to sit and enjoy this victory. I’m so excited to get to work.
Gretchen exits the stage.
Gretchen: Carol, you look like you just saw a ghost. We won, why do you look scared? You too, Susana.
Susana: I am so sorry.
Gretchen: Sorry. about what? Did mom have a heart attack from the excitement?
Carol: Gretchen, we didn’t win. There was an error in Michigan’s vote-counting system and votes for Tammy were swapped with votes for Delphy in a lot of the rural counties and made it look like we won. We lost Michigan.
The next day, at Gretchen’s office in Rhode Island…
Susana: What is she doing here?
Carol: She’s devastated and trying to deal with this. I don’t think the “Congratulations Gretchen” banner that Mary set up at home made her feel too great. She wants to be alone.
Susana: Shouldn’t we be trying to uplift her and make her feel better?
Carol: No, we need to leave her be. She’s actually working, she never does that.
Susana: I think she’s just scribbling on a piece of paper.
Carol: Either way, that’s more work than she's done in the past three months.
Samantha: You guys are here early!
Hank: Yeah, we just about called the cops when we saw someone here already because you’re never here so early.
Susana: We never get here late!
Hank: You sure about that?
Carol: How are you people not sad? You’d be in charge of this state if Gretchen would’ve won the Vice Presidency. You aren’t getting that now.
Samantha: We are sad. We taunt people to feel better.
Carol: That’s a crappy way to make yourself feel better.
Samantha: It works!
Susana: Can you guys just go now? She can see you.
Samantha: I just wanted to tell you that I placed an order on a bouquet of roses with a note that says “Congrats to the next VP, now get out of my office!” last night in the ten minutes that we thought we won Michigan, and you might want to be on the lookout for those before they make her meltdown even more. Just get rid of the note, give her the roses.
Carol: Why would you send that?
Hank: They were supposed to be funny!
Samantha: No. They are funny.
Carol: We’ll get rid of it.
Gretchen: Get rid of what? What are you guys talking about?
Carol: Oh, Gretchen! Hi!
Samantha: How are you feeling?
Gretchen: Oh, terrific. I feel like I’m on Cloud Nine. I made an ass out of myself on national television -
Samantha: International!
Gretchen: And now I’ve got the Times running stories about how this is my fault!
Carol: They’re saying what?
Gretchen: I was a bad VP pick and I “cost Tammy valuable ground in Wisconsin, Iowa and Ohio” thanks to my “irresponsible campaign trips that didn't include stops in the Midwest. I’m also to blame for Tammy dropping the ball on Michigan since it could’ve been Gina Whilder in the VP slot instead.
Susana: That’s insane!
Carol: Yeah! We won Pennsylvania and Arizona! We didn’t do that bad at all!
Samantha: Even I think you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much over this. I mean, the VP pick rarely matters.
Gretchen: That’s what I keep telling myself: “You were irrelevant, Gretchen.” “No one voted for Delphy because of you, Gretchen.” “Tammy actually thought Rhode Island was a swing state, Gretchen.” Somehow, I just can't convince myself. I feel so down.
Samantha: I know we’ve sometimes been at odds -
Gretchen: Sometimes?
Samantha: Okay, we’re basically enemies. However, we’re gonna get through this together. The Democrats held the Senate, at least. We have hope yet. I’ll work with you here in Rhode Island to make things better for our state. It’s not the vice presidency, but it’ll be okay.
Hank: Yeah, what she said.
Carol: See, Gretchen. You have a community here for you. We’re gonna get through this. For now, though, let’s avoid reading the Times. Or watching cable news.
Gretchen: Sounds like a plan to me.
What did you think of the midseason finale of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to read the premiere of Our House next week and the return of Raymond Island this summer!
