EVAN FIXEWORM is backstage with his family. He is about to appear on one of the highest-rated reality series of the season.
SAMANTHA
Good luck, honey. You’ll need it.
PETER
Speaking of honey, dad...why are you dressed like honey?
EVAN
It’s part of the show.
TRENT
What’s this show called again?
PETER
Celebrity Guess The Costume.
TRENT
Oh, so like that show where they have to figure out who’s singing?
PETER
No. In this one, they have to guess what costume you’re wearing.
SAMANTHA
That can’t be so tough, can it?
EVAN
The judges are blindfolded and my voice is altered.
SAMANTHA
That makes more sense.
EVAN
Well, wish me luck. I wouldn’t want to be eliminated on the first week!
PETER
I’m sure you’ll do fine, Dad. I bet you’ll make it to at least the third week.
EVAN
Thanks?
EVAN gets his cue and walks on the stage.
JUDGE #1
Is your costume some type of fruit?
EVAN
No.
JUDGE #2
Is your costume some type of apple?
EVAN
Apple is a fruit.
JUDGE #3
Is your costume a baseball uniform?
EVAN
No.
The host explains to the judges they are supposed to be asking the contestant questions, not just guessing.
JUDGE #1
Where would you say you got your costume’s inspiration?
EVAN
It’s my favorite color.
JUDGE #2
Do you like bright lights?
EVAN
Yes, actually.
JUDGE #3
Do you like your candy sweet or sour?
EVAN
Sweet.
HOST
Honey Jar, looks like you have the judges stumped.
JUDGE #2
I think I can get this.
JUDGE #3
I need to know who this is!
HOST
Any guesses?
JUDGE #1
PRESIDENT FIXEWORM!
The audience laughs. EVAN takes off his costume.
JUDGE #1
SEE? I TOLD YOU GUYS!
JUDGE #2
You were joking because you didn’t know who it was.
JUDGE #1
And?
HOST
Looks like President Evan Fixeworm decided to join our show, and has been eliminated in the first week. President Fixeworm, have anything to say?
EVAN
Well, I was hoping to get past the first week but I guess not everything can last four years.
EVAN chuckles, while no one else laughs.
EVAN
Just a little political humor. Guess it doesn’t translate.
HOST
President Fixeworm, we appreciate your time as President, and most importantly, your time on our show. Now I must ask: what are you going to do next?
EVAN
You know what? I have absolutely no clue. This is the fourth thing I’ve tried and nothing’s working.
Everyone laughs except EVAN, who exits the stage on cue.
PETER
Sorry Dad. I know how much dressing up like a jar of honey meant to you.
EVAN
It wasn’t that. I just wanted to find something I could do post-Presidency.
SAMANTHA
I’m sure you’ll find something.
TRENT
How about you write a book?
EVAN
No, that’s too tough. I want something fun.
SAMANTHA
You can write a chapter of a book and post it online, maybe.
EVAN
Or just start up a blog. No more than 100 words per post. I promise.
SAMANTHA
If that’s what you want. Now let’s go home, you must be tired after your one minute on a reality show.