Betty is holding a family meeting.
Betty: Family meeting time, guys!
Mitchell: But why?
Betty: Because I said so.
Cindy: Is this about what I think it’s about? If so, I’m leaving.
Betty: The election -
Cindy: Yeah, I’m out.
Betty: Sit down or I’m writing you out of my will!
Cindy: Okay, I’ll listen to it. I want grandma’s old china.
Teri: I wanted that!
Betty: Don’t worry, I gave it to Ralph in my will.
Cindy: Then I’m leaving.
Betty: I’ll change it if you stay!
Cindy: Deal.
Ralph: What the - what the hell just happened?
Karl: Your mom just bribed your sister. That is what happened.
Betty: The election is exactly one week away today!
Jerry: Oh, so your communist yard signs can come down soon.
Teri: Yes, and your fascist yard signs can also come down soon.
Jerry: You guys always want to cry fascism whenever you don’t like a politician.
Teri: And you guys always want to cry communism whenever you don’t like a politician.
Velma: Can you both shut up?
Betty: Good idea, because I wasn’t done. The election is one week away and the new Betty Gazettey issue is out now!
Teri: That’s still happening? I thought that was just a quarantine thing.
Betty: Wow. Just because I changed it to a monthly publication doesn’t mean it’s over now. You need to keep up with my production schedule.
Teri: I’m sorry, mom. We all have jobs and responsibilities and don’t always have time to follow your paper. Don’t worry, though. I’ll read it.
Betty: All I’m trying to tell you guys is that the Betty Gazettey has its full round of endorsements made in the new paper, just in time for us to all vote on Tuesday.
Jerry: We already know that you endorsed every Democrat you could. Spare me.
Betty: You’ll have to read it to find out!
The next day…
Betty: Carlene, did you read my endorsements? Will you be voting correctly on Tuesday?
Carlene: Aunt Betty, I am voting correctly.
Betty: Great! You’re voting Democrat. I always knew you were one of the sane ones.
Carlene: No, I’m voting the way I see is correct. I’m voting Republican.
Betty: You are so funny. Thank you for being part of the resistance.
Carlene: I am in the resistance. The resistance against socialism.
Betty: Socialism? Tammy Koobach is a moderate Democrat, she’s no socialist.
Carlene: Then why does she support abortion up to term? That’s radical.
Betty: What you just said isn’t true.
Carlene: I gotta go. My friend Craig and I are going to a Liza Sheraton campaign event in Spotsylvania.
Betty: You’re going where? For what?
Carlene: A rally! It’s gonna be fun. You should come with me!
Betty: I would never agree to go to a rally of a woman trying to take my congresswoman away.
Carlene: Whatever. See you guys later.
Carlene leaves the house.
Betty: What has happened to her?
Teri: Mom, it’s not worth it. You should see her Facebook, she’s gone full-blown right-wing radical.
Betty: She what? She was just posting about Black Lives Matter like three months ago. She went to one of the rallies, even after I yelled at her to stay home because of the virus.
Teri: I think she’s always leaned right a bit on other issues but this guy she’s been seeing really turned her. He works for Liza Sheraton.
Betty: I will kill him.
Karl: You will do nothing of the sort.
Betty: I want to punch him, though. He has poisoned the mind of my niece who was never political before. He ruined her!
Cindy: Mom, she’s not ruined just because she’s a Republican now.
Ralph: Speak for yourself.
Cindy: I am. I’m a Republican and I’m not ruined. Neither is Carlene. If you really are worried about your lady getting re-elected, you should volunteer for her instead of judging other people for supporting her opponent.
Betty: You know what? I think I will. I did in 2018 and I enjoyed it and even got to meet Alicia Spanheim. It’s worth a try in 2020.
Betty puts her coat on.
Teri: Mom, what are you doing?
Betty: I’m going to volunteer. Duh.
Teri: Now? Right now? At four in the afternoon?
Betty: Why not? The election is days away and I need to get to work. I’m going to her campaign headquarters.
Karl: Let her go, Teri.
Teri: I will, I will!
Betty: Thank you. Now, if I’m not home in time for dinner, just make me a plate and put it in the fridge.
Teri: Will do.
Betty leaves the house.
Jerry: Why would you tell her to campaign for someone we don’t like? The less Spanheim volunteers, the better.
Cindy: If someone like my mother came knocking on our door, would you take advice from her on who to vote for?
Jerry: Of course not.
Cindy: Exactly. She’s going to single-handedly turn Henrico County red.
Karl: Don’t talk about your mother like that. She’s very dedicated to her causes and I think you should respect that even if you disagree with them.
Cindy: I respect that she’s dedicated. I would just prefer if her causes weren’t successful, you know?
Karl: I guess. You are more encouraging than your brother and sister, at least.
Teri: Hey, we only don’t encourage mom because we actually want Democrats to win.
The next day…
Karl: Betty, you’ll never believe what some asshole posted on Facebook!
Betty: What does it say, Karl?
Karl: It accuses Tammy Koobach of being “mentally ill.”
Betty: Send it to me so I can comment on it! Who posted it?
Carlene: It was me.
Betty: Carlene, why? This isn’t true!
Carlene: I believe it to be true.
Betty: Well, I believe I’m a hundred and ten pounds, but that doesn’t make it true.
Carlene: Why can’t you just respect my beliefs?
Betty: I do respect your actual beliefs. Just not your decision to post hurtful conspiracy theories. I hope you stop with that.
Carlene: Wait, Uncle Karl. Did you just call me an asshole?
Karl: Stop acting like one and I’ll stop calling you one.
Carlene: Oh, my god. The entire family is turning on me for my political views. Tammi, you still love me, right?
Tammi: Not getting involved in this one.
Carlene: Frank?
Ralph: If you’re desperate enough to go to Frank for approval…
Frank: Now, obviously I support Carlene’s first amendment rights from a basic standpoint. I even support liberals’ rights to display their stupidity with-
Carlene: Thanks, Frank.
Frank: No problem!
Betty: Carlene, I’ll leave you with this because I’m tired of this conversation and because I don’t want to argue. I criticize you for posting this garbage only because I care about you and I want you to use facts and logic to form your political views, not fake conspiracy theories.
Carlene: Craig was the one that helped me with my research. Why would he lie to me about it?
Betty: He works for the Sheraton campaign, right?
Carlene: Yeah, why?
Karl: That’s why he’d lie!
Betty: He’s a cold-hearted snake. Look into his eyes. He’s been telling lies.
Carlene: Aunt Paula -
Betty: Paula Abdul stole that from me. I deserve royalties.
Carlene: I will believe my friend.
Betty: Over me?
Carlene: Yes.
Betty: Well, I still love ya, but I wish you would educate yourself. That’s all I have to say. I have to go campaign for Congresswoman Spanheim.
Meanwhile, in the basement…
Teri: Guys, I need you to listen to me. Did you read mom’s newspaper?
Velma: No, not yet.
Teri: Thank god. Don’t. It’s insane.
Mitchell: I don’t read, so no need to worry here.
Velma: That’s not fair. You read the Doritos bag before you throw it into the cart all the time.
Mitchell: You say that like I use a cart. How foolish.
Teri: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t really care. All I want to do is make sure you vote on Tuesday for the people that will best fill your needs.
Mitchell: Who’s running? Is that Sheryl lady running again? She was fun.
Teri: First of all, Sheryl is the President of the United States. Second, no she isn’t running again.
Mitchell: I’m sorry I’m not hip and cool.
Velma: You don’t have to be hip and cool to know who the president is, you doofus.
Teri: Tammy Koobach is the president that we need. After over a decade of incompetence in the White House, she has actual plans to help us out. She’s fighting for healthcare, she’s fighting to stop climate change, she’s fighting for equal rights. Everything that matters, she’s in the fight for it. Brian Delphy is the exact opposite of her in every horrible way.
Velma: I’ve been told that she’s a socialist.
Teri: Oh god, not this again. Who told you that?
Velma: My dad.
Teri: Your dad is misinformed. She’s not a socialist, there’s no real socialist in American politics. Don’t listen to that nonsense.
Mitchell: What’s her name again?
Teri: Tammy Koobach.
Mitchell: Tammi. Like our Tammi?
Teri: I guess, yeah. They have completely different views and they spell their names differently but the name’s the same.
Mitchell: I don’t usually vote. What’s the point in voting in this election? Everyone’s corrupt.
Teri: I know it’s hard to imagine a politician that cares about you, but humor me for a minute. Tammy Koobach’s fought for the little guy her whole career and she’s in such a tight race for the presidency, the closest in decades. Every vote counts. Right, Danielle?
Danielle: Oh, I’m just doing laundry down here. What were you talking about?
Teri: The importance of voting.
Danielle: Oh, yes. It’s very important to get out and vote for candidates you believe in.
Teri: You’re voting for Koobach, of course.
Danielle: I actually haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet.
Teri: Don’t tell me you’re voting for Delphy!
Danielle: God no, that man is nuts.
Teri: Then what are you deciding on?
Mitchell: Uh, Teri? Can we go? This feels like a “you and Danielle” sort of issue.
Teri: Just go. Just, go.
Mitchell: Thank you. I have TV to watch.
Velma: You’re supposed to go to the store with me!
Mitchell: After I watch the George Lopez I taped last night!
Teri: Danielle, you’re worrying me. Why aren’t you decided yet?
Danielle: I’m not passionate about Koobach. She doesn’t inspire me. I have no interest in voting for her.
Teri: What don’t you like about her?
Danielle: She’s boring, and she seems so artificial and manufactured. I don’t feel inspired by her and she seems so shady.
Teri: Oh no, you listened to the ads with that rich old white guy that called her a “shady lady.”
Danielle: How do you know he’s rich?
Teri: You’ve seen him, Danielle. That man’s rich. He has a fancy suit and a nice office.
Danielle: Okay, sure. If you insist, he’s rich.
Teri: We’re getting away from the point. Don’t listen to the smears and the false ads. The shady ones are the people trying to make you think Tammy Koobach is something she isn’t.
Danielle: That doesn’t erase how boring she is and how unenthused I am by her. I don’t think people should vote for people they have such doubts about.
Teri: I can’t force you to vote. I can’t force you to vote for my candidate. I’m not pushy like that.
Danielle: Right.
Teri: I can only tell you this: it’s very important that you make your voice heard and stand up for your values. I know your values, you know your values. I ask you to honor them.
The next day…
Velma: That’s an interesting new mug you got there, Betty.
Betty: Thank you!
Tammi: It is yours, right, grandma?
Betty: Sure is!
Velma: Well that’s a plot twist!
Betty: What do you mean? I’m not following along.
Velma: Glad we’re on the same page.
Betty: Why are you being so weird?
Teri: What the hell, mom? A Republican mug?
Karl: Thank god someone pointed it out! I thought I was seeing things.
Jerry: So, let me get this straight. Betty, the good, pure Democrat among us, bought a mug for a Republican candidate for office, and is actually using it? Maybe you’re just so crazy that you don’t realize this Aimee Ferrera Donahue person is a Republican?
Betty: I like her.
Teri: But why?
Ralph: Mom, are you becoming a Republican? Oh no. I always knew old people went crazy but I never thought it would happen to my mom.
Betty: I’m not a Republican now. I just like this one particular Republican.
Carlene: Isn’t that a little hypocritical? You were attacking me for supporting Republicans but you like this one? Why can you pick and choose?
Betty: I’m not attacking you for supporting Republicans.
Carlene: Aren’t you?
Betty: No, I’m not.
Carlene: It felt like you were and I just want some more respect than you’ve given me.
Betty: I give you respect. I said you can vote for whoever you want, I just ask you to use facts and not ridiculous lies.
Carlene: There you go again, calling my beliefs ridiculous.
Betty: I did not say that!
Teri: I’m still trying to process my mother supporting any Republican. How did this happen?
Betty: I was researching congressional races and this woman from Washington had some great points and seems like a nice person, even if I don’t agree with her on a ton.
Teri: That… doesn’t explain why you want her to win an election. The losing candidates don’t get fired into the sun. Perfectly nice people run for office as Republican but you obviously don’t support any of those so why do you like this lady so much that you bought a mug?
Betty: I don’t know! Impulse buy!
Karl: You do a lot of those, I will say that.
Jerry: I’m sure Aimee Ferrera Donahue is one of those Republicans that claims to be a Republican but is actually just a Democrat in disguise to help the Dems pass their communist agenda.
Betty: No!
Teri: That actually probably would’ve been better for your case, mom.
Betty: I’m just bipartisan, okay. I can support people on both sides if I think they’re worthy of serving this country in Congress. Plus, Aimee doesn’t support Brian Delphy, so there’s another plus for her. She has morals and sticks to them. We need people like her in office.
Tammi: I think it’s great that grandma is supporting a great pro-life candidate. I got to see her speak in person in Washington a few years back.
Betty: You what?
Frank: She was great! She really cares about protecting the unborn and I’m glad you're finally supporting pro-life candidates like I’ve always suggested!
Ralph: Good job, mom. You support someone for office that’s Frank-approved.
Betty: In my defense, I did not previously know that Frank liked her. Or her thoughts on abortion. Or her thoughts on most issues.
Frank: Why is my endorsement a negative?
Betty: It just is.
Tammi: That’s very mean, grandma.
Betty: And I think the fact that you married him is very mean.
On the day after the election…
Teri: Mom… mom…
Betty (crying): What, Teri? What?
Teri: Mom, it’s 4:30, you have to get out of bed.
Betty: Why? Nothing is good anymore.
Teri: I’m not happy with the results, either, but life goes on. It really does.
Betty: I thought we won!
Teri: We all did. Gretchen Raymond told us we did. Then Michigan screwed us.
Betty: This wouldn’t have happened if Koobach would’ve picked Alicia as her VP.
Teri: Alicia Spanheim barely won her own re-election.
Betty: She won?
Teri: Oh my god, you didn’t know? Yes, she won. See, celebrate!
Betty: Maybe I can get out of bed.
Teri: That’s the spirit!
Betty walks down the stairs to the living room.
Steven: I’m sorry your candidate lost, grandma Betty.
Betty: Thank you, Steven. I know you’re gonna be a Republican one day, but I appreciate the civility from you while you aren’t.
Carlene: Ha-ha! Ha! Ha!
Teri: Is that necessary?
Carlene: Yes!
Teri: God, we’re family and we can’t even be decent to one another when we’re going through stuff. Grow a pair, Carlene. Don’t be a sore winner, I had to coax my 75 year-old mother out of bed because she’s afraid that this new president-elect his gonna destroy America and she won’t be alive to see it fixed and you're laughing at her. She’s terrified. You don’t have to agree with her but be decent. We’ve been nothing but good to you, maybe it’s time to start acting like it.
Tammi: So, who wants dinner?
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
