Charlotte walks into a cafe and takes a seat next to Frances.
Frances: Where were you? I’ve been worried sick!
Charlotte: Really? I’m only a few minutes late.
Frances: No, I’m just pulling your leg. You are twenty minutes late, though. Not everyone’s as easy-going as me. Some would find that rude. Not me!
Charlotte: I’m sorry, I was on set. You know I’m quite in-demand as an actor, being an Oscar winner and all.
Frances: You have an Oscar? I never knew that! You never mention it!
Charlotte: I know you’re only joking, but a woman of your age shouldn’t kid about her memory. Forgetfulness is a sign of dementia.
Frances: My god, how old do you think I am?
Charlotte: How old do you think you are? My nan got Alzheimer’s around your age.
Frances: My age, which is…?
Charlotte: I don’t feel safe answering that question.
Frances: Good! Now, what was so urgent that we needed to discuss?
Charlotte: I just missed you! It’s been a few months!
Frances: We filmed that Fourth of July special only a month ago, that didn’t tide you over?
Charlotte: I really enjoy your company. Also, I need someone to commiserate with.
Frances: Why, is something the matter?
Charlotte: I knew you wouldn’t know! You never check your email!
Frances: I’m a very old woman, as you’ve pointed out.
Charlotte: Paul wants to see us tomorrow.
Frances: Oh… no thank you.
Charlotte: I feel the same way! I don’t know what he’s got up his sleeve, but it’s surely nothing good.
Frances: I don’t know why Diane ever added him to the group chat.
Charlotte: She’s too nice for her own good.
Frances: At least she’s never added Jacqueline!
Charlotte: Even Diane’s kindness has limits.
Frances: We could always skip tomorrow’s meeting and claim we just never saw the email.
Charlotte: That’s an idea! I mean, what’s Paul going to do, fire us?
Frances: Well… possibly. He is Paul.
Charlotte: He wants to be part of the group, he’d never let one of us go!
Frances: He let Sam and Diane walk all those years ago.
Charlotte: Things have changed. And, didn’t he also let Garry walk?
Frances: “Garry?”
Charlotte: Oh, come on, Sam’s not here. You don’t have to pile on poor Garry.
Frances: It’s very fun, though.
Charlotte: Poor Garry.
The next day…
Diane: Does anyone know where Charlotte and Frances are?
Garry: They must be running late.
Sam: Both of them? Use your brain, Garry.
Garry: Do you have to be an ass to me?
Sam: Yes.
Garry: Well, what’s your hypothesis?
Sam: I think they’re skipping out on this lame meeting, which is what I should’ve done.
Diane: I wasn’t about to let you stay at home during a work function.
Leslie: Is Diane implying that she had to drag Sam here by force?
Diane: I’m saying it outright.
Paul: I’m sure they’ll get here soon enough.
Leslie: They’re twenty minutes late!
Garry: Traffic’s bad this time of day!
Sam: They’re not coming.
Diane: I do have to say, it would be odd for them to coordinate some sort of plan to skip the meeting.
Garry: Yeah, I feel like we never see those two together.
Sam: They don’t need to have come together to craft some evil plan. They could just both have decided they didn’t want to come in on their day off for some kind of nonsense that they weren’t contractually obligated to be here for.
Diane: Whatever it is, we should give them some more time.
Leslie: Maybe I should text them.
Paul: No, don’t bug them! It’s not that big of a deal. You guys can catch them up.
Sam: See, Diane! It’s not a big deal. I didn’t need to be here.
Paul: I do appreciate that you are here, though!
Sam: I do not.
Leslie: Why are we here, exactly?
Paul: Well, I was waiting for Charlotte and Frances.
Sam: They skipped town! Get to it, end my suffering! I only have a week and a half of peace left!
Paul: All right. So, this years marks the ten-year anniversary of Bake Your Heart Out. Ten years ago, I picked up a baking show with a simple premise, which I never expected to become a phenomenon that would enchant the nation.
Sam: See, that’s the problem. You never believed in us!
Diane: Be honest, Sam. Did you ever think when you took the job as host of a baking show that we’d still be here ten years later as TV’s #1 show?
Sam: I believe in myself, so, yes.
Diane: Oh, come on!
Paul: I promise, Sam, I did intend my statement to be a compliment. This show defied the odds and inspired a nation to rediscover a passion for baking. I’m amazed by it.
Sam: We are amazing.
Paul: Yes! You are! And the network and I want to show our appreciation for all you’ve done for us.
Sam: I like the sound of that.
Leslie: Sam, can you let the man talk?
Frances: Did I miss anything?
Leslie: No, Sam keeps yapping, so Paul hasn’t been able to spit out the reason he called us here, other than that it somehow relates to the show’s tenth anniversary.
Frances: Oh, good.
Diane: Do you know where Charlotte is?
Frances: Oh, she’s not coming. Something about her being an Oscar winner makes her above this.
Garry: That sounds like her.
Leslie: Paul, gang’s all here. Continue.
Sam: You know, Charlotte hasn’t been here all ten years anyway, so it’s fine to exclude her from this and any related festivities.
Paul: Okay, we are planning a tenth anniversary party to celebrate Bake Your Heart Out and all it’s meant to this network. It’s going to be a major, star-studded event.
Sam: Actual stars or stars from the network?
Paul: I think those are the same thing.
Sam: Okay, so stars from the network.
Diane: I hope that doesn’t include Freddy and William. Bastards.
Frances: Ah, I forgot about her weird hatred for them.
Paul: They’re not on the network anymore, they won’t be there.
Diane: It’s not a weird hatred. Their show had half our ratings and they were getting paid more than us. It was despicable and sexist and I’m gonna shut my mouth now to avoid getting myself into trouble.
Paul: Don’t worry, I realize our missteps. That salary dispute never should’ve happened.
Sam: Damn right it shouldn’t have. In fact, I think we’re due for another round of raises. In fact, I won’t attempt the part if my demands aren’t met.
Diane: Oh, Sam. Always making a scene.
Sam: I wasn’t the one who went on a feminist tear that briefly cost us our jobs all those years ago. That was you making that scene.
Frances: We just got raises last season. It was a four-season contract, with small raises each season. You signed the contract, you knew what you were getting into.
Sam: I don’t get to change my mind?
Leslie: Legally, uh… no.
Paul: I will offer a five percent raise this season to all of the original cast and crew members as an anniversary gift.
Frances: Oh, I’m sure Charlotte will be very chill about that.
Paul: We already gave her an Oscar raise, it’s just evening out now.
Sam: That’s the first I’m hearing of this “Oscar raise!”
Paul: Oh my.
Leslie: So when’s the party?
Paul: Well, you’re all leaving to film a new season very soon, so I was thinking this weekend.
Sam: Ah, so this is a last-minute show of appreciation.
Diane: It’s nice to be appreciated at all.
Sam: Diane, that’s just sad.
Paul: I promise, even though this is last minute, it’s going to be a celebration befitting the show’s legacy. You all deserve to be honored.
Sam: I agree.
Diane: What about Melanie? She should be here for this! She’s a part of the family, I don’t think she should be left out just because she doesn’t live in LA.
Paul: She’ll be invited, don’t worry.
Diane: Good, because I miss her.
Frances: We’re about to spend months with her while we film the show.
Diane: Yeah, but I still miss her. I need someone to vent to about Sam.
Sam: Excuse me?
Diane: Oh, you know you’re a lot to handle.
Three days later…
Sam: Wow, he rented out the Beverly Hilton for us. We’re as important as the Golden Globes.
Charlotte: I have a Golden Globe!
Sam: Oh really? Who’d you pay off and/or screw to get that?
Charlotte: I am aghast at the insinuation!
Sam: We all know it’s the most corrupt award show.
Diane: I thought you said the Grammys were the most corrupt award show.
Sam: I deserved Best New Artist in 1985! My single hit #58 on the Billboard charts and received great acclaim from the most important newspaper, the Tulsa Register.
Frances: Were they the only paper to bother reviewing it?
Sam: They were the only one who reviewed it positively.
Garry: Who did win Best New Artist that year?
Sam: Cyndi Lauper! What’s she gone on to do?
Diane: True Colors. I think that’s enough to justify it without embarrassing you too badly.
Sam: Anyway, it’s good to se us recognized for our greatness.
Nicolle: Honey, I think you’re letting this go to your head.
Sam: Me? Letting an honor go to my head? That’s not likely.
Leslie: It’s just so crazy to me that someone as normal as Nicolle wound up with someone as insane as Sam.
Nicolle: Opposites attract!
Sam: I actually think I’m the normal one.
Melanie: Guys! I finally found you!
Diane: We just got here!
Melanie: I’ve been here a while. I got sat at the same table as those weird nerds from the news. Not a fun experience.
Sam: I wouldn’t imagine it being one.
Melanie: I’m glad to be here for your big anniversary, though. Ten years! That means we’ve known each other for what… six?
Sam: I’m not sure, I’m not so good at math.
Diane: I do know that we’re very glad to have you in our lives, and at our party.
Paul: Everyone, settle down. Our guests of honor have arrived, let’s give them all a round of applause.
Sam: Taylor Swift has inspired me to pretend to be all shocked that everyone is staring at me and applauding for me even though I fully expected it.
Diane: Ah, she does do that.
Charlotte: Her wedding was a truly beautiful affair -
Frances: Who the hell cares?
Garry: Affair seems like a bad choice of words when speaking about a wedding.
Carly: Remember when you accused me of having an affair?
Garry: I’m still making it up to you to this day.
Carly: Damn right you are. I’m a prize, you’re lucky to have me.
Paul: To the stars of our beloved Bake Your Heart Out, thank you for being here, thank you for your years of entertaining us and bringing us joy.
Sam: This feels like when they give someone a lifetime achievement award at an award show. Like we’re nearing death and they just want to honor us before it happens so the tribute isn’t too depressing.
Paul: Nope, not the case! This show has another ten years and more left in it! We are all so proud of the work you’ve done, and we are all just glad to be here to make you feel the love we all have for you.
Diane: I just noticed Jacqueline’s not here. Was she not invited?
Sam: God, don’t bring her up! If you say her name three times, she might appear!
Garry: Jacqueline, Jacqueline, Jacqueline.
Sam: I detest you.
Jacqueline: Paul, I’m sorry I was late!
Sam: Jesus! I didn’t mean it literally!
Paul: Look, you’re all so beloved, even people not on the guest list have shown up to heap praise onto you. Security!
What did you think of the 100th episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
