NUMB HUMOR STUDIOS PRESENTS:
COLLEGE
Season 2 Episode 15
"Edison's Epidemic"
Written by
William Fry & Michael Ledesma
DAY 1
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Andrew and Megan are sitting on the couch and playing Starquest. Edison barges in carrying a large amount of toilet paper.
EDISON
Are you guys really just relaxing with what’s going on?
MEGAN
What are you going on about now?
EDISON
Classes are canceled because of the Coronavirus.
ANDREW
Really?
Edison nods.
ANDREW
Wow.
EDISON
They’re calling it a pandemic.
MEGAN
As long as we wash our hands, we’ll be fine. Besides, we’re more likely to catch the flu.
EDISON
Megan don’t you understand! This is a pandemic. Stores are being cleaned out. I had to knock over a kid to get this toilet paper.
ANDREW
We have plenty of toilet paper.
EDISON
NOW we do. Who knows how long we'll be inside for?
ANDREW
What are you talking about?
EDISON
We’re self-isolating.
MEGAN
Why?
EDISON
So we don’t catch it!
ANDREW
Ok, this is ridiculous. I’m going to The College Club with Sarah.
Andrew begins making his way to the door. Edison beats him to it and jams his key in the keyhole. He snaps the key.
ANDREW
What the hell!
EDISON
I’m sorry Andrew, but for now, we stay inside.
DAY 2
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Andrew, Megan, and Edison sit on the couch watching TV.
ANDREW
I am so bored.
MEGAN
Me too.
EDISON
Oh come on guys it’s only day 2.
ANDREW
Edison this is overkill.
MEGAN
Exactly. Like I said before, our chances of actually catching it are low. As long as we wash our hands we’ll be ok. Of course, I know for men it’s hard.
EDISON
This is for the best. Now, let’s watch The Mandalorian.
DAY 3
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Andrew, Edison, and Megan eat dinner. They are eating hot pockets.
MEGAN
I wish we had actual food.
EDISON
What are you talking about? This is real food.
MEGAN
When I say real food Edison I mean fruits, veggies, and non-frozen beef. Not a pizza pocket that, no matter how long you cook it, is always cold on the inside.
EDISON
It’s cheap and easy to make. If you want gourmet food, then you can buy it.
ANDREW
(To Megan)
I got a small bag of organic baby carrots if you want to share them.
MEGAN
Yes, please.
Andrew and Megan leave.
DAY 4
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Andrew, Edison, and Megan sit on the couch watching TV.
MEGAN
We’ve watched The Mandalorian five times already. I’m sorry but Baby Yoda is getting less cute.
EDISON
First of all, how dare you say that. We’ll watch something else, for now. How about Fast & Furious?
MEGAN
Fuck no. That franchise doesn’t know what it is anymore.
Andrew’s phone goes off. He checks it.
MEGAN
Sarah?
ANDREW
Yeah. She wants me to come over.
EDISON
Tell her you can’t.
ANDREW
I did.
Andrew’s phone goes off again. Andrew’s eyes widened.
ANDREW
I’m outta here.
MEGAN
What?
ANDREW
She just sent me a picture of... something.
EDISON
She sent you a nude didn’t she?
ANDREW
That’s none of your concern.
MEGAN
Oh she totally sent some pics.
ANDREW
I don’t need this. You two waste your time here, I’m gonna go see my smoking hot girlfriend who needs my help.
EDISON
You can’t get through the door.
ANDREW
Watch m-
Andrew coughs. Edison and Megan stare at him.
ANDREW
What?
EDISON
Coughing is a symptom of the Coronavirus.
ANDREW
Seriously dude. I just coughed. I don’t have the virus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m leaving.
Andrew turns around. Edison pulls out a taser and tases Andrew. Andrew falls to the ground unconscious.
MEGAN
Is that my taser?
EDISON
Maybe.
Edison goes to a grocery bag and pulls out medical masks and gloves.
EDISON
Help me get him to his room.
MEGAN
Why?
EDISON
We have to quarantine him in case he's infected.
MEGAN
Edison this has gone too far.
EDISON
If you help me, I'll give you some of my Milky Ways I have stashed.
Megan puts the mask and gloves on. She helps Edison carry Andrew’s body to his room. Edison covers the doorway in saran wrap.
EDISON
Alrighty.
MEGAN
Now about those Milky Ways.
LATER
Edison and Megan eat Milky Ways. Andrew wakes up.
ANDREW
Owww what the hell? What the hell did you do?
MEGAN
Edison tased you.
ANDREW
What!
EDISON
And I’ll do it again if you even think about breaking through that saran wrap.
Andrew throws up.
EDISON
We better put another layer of saran wrap.
DAY 8
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Megan slips food and medicine under the saran wrap.
ANDREW
Megan, you gotta get me the hell out of here.
MEGAN
Sorry buddy.
ANDREW
Megan please. I don’t feel good. I think I’m actually sick. With the flu. Not COVID-19
MEGAN
Look, just stick it out for a few more days. I’m sure Edison will calm down.
ANDREW
Oh c’mon.
MEGAN
Sorry.
Edison enters the living room.
EDISON
(To Megan)
Wanna watch something?
MEGAN
Edison what else could we possibly watch?
EDISON
I don’t know. Breaking Bad?
MEGAN
That is probably the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say.
Edison and Megan make their way to the couch. Megan coughs. The two stop. Edison stares at Megan.
ANDREW
Megan. Run.
Edison pulls out the taser.
EDISON
You know what you have to do.
MEGAN
Seriously? Edison I’m fine.
EDISON
We don’t know for sure. Now move.
Megan reluctantly enters Andrew’s room. Edison puts on gloves and a mask and reseals the room with more saran wrap.
ANDREW
When I get out of here Edison, I am going to hurt you.
EDISON
When this is all over, you’ll thank me.
DAY 10
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Edison is wearing an inflatable T-Rex suit as a hazmat suit. He slips food under the saran wrap. Andrew looks sickly. So does Megan but only slightly.
EDISON
How do you guys feel?
ANDREW
Like I’ve got the flu.
MEGAN
Edison let us out. You should be the one in quarantine. We outnumber you.
Andrew’s phone dings. Edison picks it up.
ANDREW
Who is it?
EDISON
Sarah.
ANDREW
What’d she say?
EDISON
She says that she wants to break up.
ANDREW
What?
EDISON
Kidding. She wants to know if you’re ok. I’ll text yes.
ANDREW
No.
EDISON
No you’re not doing ok or no you don’t want me to text her?
ANDREW
Both!
DAY 15
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Andrew and Megan are sleeping. Edison tears the saran wrap down. He is no longer wearing the T-Rex suit. Andrew and Megan wake up.
MEGAN
What’s going on?
EDISON
You two look better.
ANDREW
Are we free to go?
EDISON
Yep. I also fixed the door so that you can go see Sarah. By the way, you have 16 missed calls from her.
ANDREW
Great.
Edison coughs. Andrew and Megan stare at him.
EDISON
I-I was just clearing my throat.
Andrew and Megan smile at each other.
EDISON
Uhhhh guys?
Andrew and Megan grab Edison.
DAY 1
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Andrew saran wraps Edison’s bedroom door.
EDISON
Guys come on.
MEGAN
Ohhhhh no. You’re gonna stay in there for fifteen days. Just like we did.
EDISON
Guys I’m fine.
ANDREW
We can’t be sure about that.
MEGAN
(To Andrew)
Wanna watch Breaking Bad?
ANDREW
I would love to.
END.