Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 12
Charlotte Keen
Paul: Thank you for joining me, Leslie.
Leslie: Gladly. We’ve only got nine days left of filming this season, it’s certainly time to decide the new hosts and judge. I know I’ve reached out to some choices I think are interesting and a lot of them said yes, so if we could get in contact with some of them and get them to sign contracts, that would be great.
Paul: That’s great. I’ve also been in contact with someone.
Leslie: Oh boy.
Paul: You can pick two of the replacements. There’s just one particular person that I insist be on the show.
Leslie: As long as they have on-screen chemistry with Frances. She’s our only returning cast member, we have to make sure her and the new cast members play off of each other well.
Paul: The person I’m thinking of has already been tested.
Leslie: I don’t think Diane’s sister Diana is going to want the job.
Paul: What? Diane has a sister?
Leslie: Oh, you mean Charlotte Keen?
Paul: Yes, obviously.
Leslie: I guess she’d be good. She was very insightful as a guest judge. Frances even said so and she wanted nothing to do with her hosting.
Paul: So you’re telling me you’re good with her being your new judge?
Leslie: Yes, she’s a very good choice, even though I hadn’t thought of her.
Paul: Oh, thank god. I thought I’d have to fight with you over it and I’m already in for a bad enough week so as it is.
Leslie: Why? Premiere week was last week, were the ratings so bad that you have to fire some people already? I mean, obviously our ratings weren’t bad, but the rest of the netw-
Paul: No. Just the one show.
Leslie: So you’re cancelling a show already? Brutal! What pour unfortunate souls are losing their jobs today?
Paul: I’m cancelling Charlotte’s show.
Leslie: What? Wasn’t that supposed to be the big new hit?
Paul: It was. Turns out people weren’t dying to see a sitcom about a princess in charge of a spaceship in the year 2300. I’m gonna tell Charlotte today that she got the Bake Your Heart Out job and then I’ll tell her that her show’s canceled. We won’t announce it to the press today, though. We’ll give them some cheap line about the show not being canceled, it’s just capped at thirteen episodes to give Charlotte time to film Bake Your Heart Out.
Leslie: Isn’t she going to be upset you’re canceling her show? That was her show, she even created it. This is just a show she’s going to be part of.
Paul: Yes, but this is a show people actually watch. She’s gonna be fine.
Leslie: Alright, if you say so.
Paul: Now, who do you want to hire for the show? This meeting’s been all about Charlotte Keen so far, let’s get some more ideas out there.
Leslie: Okay, I spoke to five people that agreed.
Paul: Let’s hear them.
Leslie: My first pick is Denise Shapiro. She’s a former US Senator who has been an enthusiastic supporter of the show on Twitter.
Paul: A political figure? Seems risky.
Leslie: She hasn’t been in office since 2007, most people probably don’t even know her.
Paul: Alright, fine. Who else?
Leslie: DeAnna Clifton. She’s not a big fan of Frances, and Frances isn’t a big fan of her, but they sure do have chemistry. She’s also a big name in the baking world and her show on the Baking Channel ended three months ago with her Christmas special.
Paul: That’s a great choice. Her rivalry with Frances is pretty legendary, that could help with viewers. Who else did you talk with?
Leslie: How does Pam Garritty sound?
Paul: The old sitcom star?
Leslie: She’s a huge fan of the show! Not only does she tweet about it all the time, but I even met her at a Bake Your Heart Out convention last year and she gushed to me about how great the show is.
Paul: She appeals to the kind of demo that watches the show, she wouldn’t be a bad pick.
Leslie: Another fun idea is Patsy Malone, she’s a comedian.
Paul: Did she win a season of Ballroom Celebrities?
Leslie: Sure did! Garry actually recommended her to me, she was on that one season he hosted it.
Paul: Garry? Why would he help you? He quit too!
Leslie: Believe it or not, his quitting was actually about you and not me!
Paul: Whatever. Who is the last person you talked to?
Leslie: Matt Larsen.
Paul: He was on a show I canceled last season!
Leslie: Sure was! Thought you’d appreciate that!
Paul: Okay, see if you can get them all down here for a screen test as soon as possible. I’m meeting with Charlotte in two days, so it would be great if you could get them all down here then so we can include Charlotte in those tests.
Leslie: I’ll call them all up tonight and see what I can do. I’m excited about the future of Bake Your Heart Out, I really like these new prospects.
Paul: Fantastic! You’re the best!
Leslie: You’re in an unusually chipper mood today, it really scares me.
Two days later…
Sam: Clarissa, Hailee you have fallen into the bottom two just one week before the big finale
Diane: One of you had a disastrous first and second round and your third round just wasn’t good enough to keep you out of the bottom. The other came up a bit short in all three challenges despite none of their bags being all that bad.
Sam: In the end, Frances and Garry decided that, after looking at your performances throughout the competition, we’re going to have to say goodbye to…
Diane: I can’t say it!
Sam: I guess I will. Sadly, the baker going home tonight is Clarissa.
Diane: Thank you for spending your time baking with us, Clarissa. It’s been a pleasure.
Leslie: And cut! Perfect, guys!
Diane: I can’t believe that’s the last semifinals we’re ever going to be a part of.
Leslie: It’s going to be so weird doing this without you guys.
Sam: Is that why you’re doing screen tests today?
Leslie: You guys left, I have to. move on.
Sam: I’m just pulling your leg!
Charlotte comes running in to the studio.
Charlotte: Oh my god! What did you people do?
Leslie: Charlotte, what’s going on?
Charlotte: I just met with Paul to sign my contract for next season. After I signed it, he told me that Princess of Space was canceled! He said he wanted to renew it, but you demanded that Bake Your Heart Out would be my only show and his hands were tied and he had to cancel my sitcom!
Leslie: Charlotte, that’s a complete lie.
Charlotte: Paul said you’d say that.
Frances: It’s not, I promise. Leslie told me on Tuesday that Paul told her he was going to cancel your show and use your new job on Bake Your Heart Out as a way to keep you happy.
Charlotte: You knew Princess of Space was canceled before I did?
Frances: Was I not supposed to say that?
Leslie: Of course you weren’t!
Frances: Sorry!
Charlotte: Who else knew my show was canceled before I did?
Garry: All of us.
Charlotte: Even you Diane? i thought we got along really well!
Diane: We did! Charlotte just told us all to keep it to ourselves.
Charlotte: I am so mad at Paul! I could just… I could just… cry!
Charlotte begins sobbing uncontrollably.
Leslie (whispering): Sam, Diane, can I talk to you guys?
Sam: What now?
Leslie (whispering): I need you guys to take Charlotte to one of your dressing rooms. I have to do these screen tests in like ten minutes and I don’t need her out here crying her eyes out in front of people I’d like to hire. And Diane has a special touch, she’s naturally comforting.
Sam: I think I’m plenty comforting.
Diane: You tell yourself that.
Sam and Diane take Charlotte to Sam’s dressing room.
Charlotte: Why are you guys taking me here? I’m supposed to do screen tests with Leslie.
Diane: Honey, you look like a mess.
Charlotte: I look fine.
Diane: I hope I don’t offend you saying this… you look awful. Your makeup is running and and I think your nose might be bleeding.
Charlotte: That happens sometimes when I’m upset.
Sam: I’m not a doctor but I think that might not be normal. You should probably see someone about that.
Charlotte: I did, it’s fine.
Diane: That’s good! Your nose isn’t the only thing that’s fine! It’s also fine that your show got canceled. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Lord knows I’ve had many failings in my career.
Charlotte: But this was my show! I created it, I wrote it, I starred in it. It’s like he’s canceling part of me.
Diane: I’m going to tell you a story.
Sam: I can get you some earplugs if you want, Charlotte. This is going to be long. You could just take a nap.
Diane: The year was 1975.
Sam: My god.
Diane: Charlotte, you were probably not born then.
Charlotte: I was two.
Diane: For some reason that doesn’t make me feel much better! Anyhow, it was 1975. I was so young. I was still using my maiden name! It was my first starring role in a sitcom. I was a supporting cast member in a few one-and-done shows but this was all mine. I wasn’t a household name by any means, but a network was crazy enough to give me a chance.
Sam: Speed it up!
Diane: September 23, my new show premiered. The Diane Channing Show. That was at a time where everyone just named their shows after themselves even when it didn’t make any sense because the characters in the show didn’t share our names. My show came in dead last in its timeslot on premiere night. We aired two more episodes after than and got yanked off the air. Six episodes never aired. I felt broken inside. I didn’t go on an audition for two years after that. Even then, I didn’t get roles. I thought my career was over. I started a family instead.
Charlotte: How does this apply to me? I’m forty-seven, it’s not like I can just start a family now. I’m a little past my prime in that department.
Diane: You are in a much better position than I was.
Sam: For starters, people actually know who you are!
Diane: Yes, you’re an A-lister. I was not. You have a job lined up already! I did not.
Sam: In other words, Diane was a loser and you are not.
Charlotte: That’s very touching, but it still doesn’t make me feel better about my show getting axed. I loved it so much.
Sam: Charlotte, I loved a lot of things that didn’t work out. I liked just being a stand-up comedian, but that didn’t pay the bills so I became an actress. I liked starring in movies, but those roles stopped coming once I hit a certain age. You are still being given a platform. Don’t be upset about that. It’s not worth it. Enjoy life and all of its challenges! It makes you grow as a person!
Charlotte: I’m confused.
Sam: Why?
Diane: Are you finally getting the point of my beautiful story?
Charlotte: I’m actually starting to feel better. I thought it would be Diane that made that happen but I think it was actually what Sam said.
Sam: Yes!
Diane: Oh, come on!
Meanwhile on the set, screen tests are beginning.
Leslie: Alright, first up is going to be Denise Shapiro! Show us what you’ve got, Denise! Just read off the cue cards and you’ll be fine! Feel free to riff off Frances and Garry all you want and go off-script if you want to throw a little joke in here and there. Garry’s not going to be on the show anymore but he’s being kind enough to step in while our new judge is preoccupied.
Denise: Hello and welcome back to Bake Your Heart Out! I’m your host Denise Shapiro and it is bread week here in the Baking Cabin! Let’s talk to Frances and Garry, I mean Charlotte, to see what they’re looking for this week! Frances?
Frances: I’m looking for some of those contestants that underperformed in week one to show up and deliver something strong today.
Denise: Bread week’s usually the week that the contenders start to show themselves, wouldn’t you agree, Charlotte?
Garry: Sure would. It’s typically one of our earliest weeks and it’s one of the hardest. If you can excel here-
Leslie: Cut! Garry, what are you doing?
Garry: I’m imitating Charlotte? Don’t you appreciate my accent?
Leslie: Not particularly. Just use your voice, this isn’t SNL. None of this will be televised.
Garry: Alright, fine. But you’re really taking the fun out of it.
Back in Sam’s dressing room…
Charlotte: I’m starting to feel better. You’re a miracle worker, Sam!
Diane: I’m sure I helped, too.
Sam: Yeah but not as much as me. I should become a life coach now.
Charlotte: I even think I’m ready to go help out with screen tests now!
Diane: No! You can not go out there!
Charlotte: Why? Am I not allowed out there?
Diane: We have to help you with your makeup first!
Charlotte: Oh, good. I thought there was something I did wrong that Leslie didn’t want me out there.
Diane: No, not at all. I’m sure she’d much rather have you out there than Garry.
Ten minutes later, on the set…
Leslie: Okay, three candidates down, two to go!
Garry: I’m telling you, this would be so much more fun if you let me do the English accent.
Leslie: It’s not happening, let it go.
Charlotte: I’m better now, and I’m here to help!
Leslie: Charlotte! You look so much better! Diane, what did you do?
Sam: It’s was me!
Leslie: No, seriously. What did you do, Diane?
Charlotte: It really was Sam! I think because she’s got such a tough exterior that her opening up at all and showing me kindness was so surprising that it made me feel better.
Leslie: That’s great! Are you really okay to do screen tests or do you need to go home and just relax for the day?
Charlotte: I got this!
Leslie: Alright, screen test number four! Patsy Malone! Just do like everyone else has done, read off of those cue cards and play off Frances and Charlotte as much as you’d like to!
Patsy: Hello and welcome to Bake your Heart Out! I’m Patsy Malone and I’m your host! It’s cake week here in the Baking Cabin! Let’s talk to Frances and Charlotte to see which bakers they think will rise up to the challenge and which they think will be badly battered. Frances?
Frances: It’s week four of the competition and we’re starting to see who is really in it to win it. I think Ken and Jean are well-positioned tonight. They’re professional bakers who specialize in cake and they’ve been shining throughout the competition.
Patsy: This week’s technical challenge is a princess cake. Charlotte, what are you looking for in these princess cakes?
Charlotte starts crying.
Charlotte: Princess cake? Like my show, Princess of Space? I’m sorry Leslie, I can’t do this today!
Charlotte runs off.
Leslie: Sam, Diane, can you do something about that?
Diane: I think she ran to Sam’s room. You go, Sam.
Sam: Does she think that’s her dressing room now? It’s not. Not yet!
Leslie: Both of you, please go talk to her again. Patsy, I’m sorry this has gone so badly. We’ll run through it again.
Diane: Alright, I’ll go talk to her.
Sam: I’ll go, too. I am a life coach now after all.
Sam and Diane run to Sam’s dressing room to console Charlotte again.
Diane: Charlotte… what happened in there?
Charlotte: Hearing “princess” just reminded me of my show and brought up all of those emotions again. I’m just so mad at Paul for hiring me for this show under false pretenses and then lying to me about Leslie being the one that had Princess of Space canceled.
Diane: Trust me. We know how awful Paul is. He’s the only reason we quit this show. He’s paying men on shows with worse ratings way more than he’s paying us and he wouldn’t give us any more money. So we walked. I just hope that you have a better experience with him than we did. This isn’t an encouraging sign, but you’re a fighter and I believe you can work for fair treatment in the workplace.
Sam: Diane, you sound like Elizabeth Warren.
Diane: I do not. Anyway, back to you, Charlotte. Things are going to get better, even though that pain is going to stick around. Your show meant a lot to you and you don’t have it anymore.
Charlotte: We do have one episode left to write.
Diane: Then use that to give the story a nice conclusion. Not every show even makes it to thirteen episodes, so you have a chance to wrap things up. Your story deserves that!
Charlotte: I guess you’re right. At least I can have some closure and then I can begin a new chapter. this helped. Again.
Diane: See Sam! I still got it!
Back on the set…
Leslie: Okay everyone, our final screen test! DeAnna Clifton!
Frances: What?
Leslie: DeAnna Clifton, come on down! There’s a new set of cue cards for you to work with and Begin your screen test!
DeAnna: Hello and welcome to Bake your Heart Out! I’m DeAnna Clifton, the host of this fine program. It’s already week six of our competition and things are really heating up now. Let’s talk to Charlotte and…. Frances about the state of the competition six weeks in!
Frances: Garry, you take it.
Garry: You’re going off-script.
Leslie: You sure are!
Frances: I don’t want to do this with her.
DeAnna: I didn’t do anything!
Frances: You took a long pause before saying my name and put my name second. You hate me!
Leslie: Oh my god, can today get any worse?
Garry (in English accent): I don’t think so, gov’na.
Leslie: Why are you talking like that still?
Garry: I’m trying to cheer you up! Everything’s a disaster, might as well have some fun!
Leslie: You know what? Fine. You talk like that if it makes you happy, we just need to get this screen test finished. Frances, put on your big girl shoes and suck it up. DeAnna might be the new host and you’re under contract so there’s nothing you can do about it!
Frances: Do you really want to make me angry? We’ve had four other people audition, just don’t hire DeAnna.
DeAnna: I’m right here!
Leslie: I will hire whoever I want to!
Charlotte: Alright guys, let’s finish those screen tests!
Everyone looks angrily at Charlotte.
Charlotte: Is this a bad time?
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another new episode!
