Our House Season 2, Episode 7
Velma: Everyone, I have some very exciting news. Next weekend, there’s going to be a solar eclipse. Even better, it’s going to reach totality in Lakey! We can see it right in our backyard!
Cindy: That’s what this meeting was about?
Teri: Yeah, this could’ve been discussed over dinner or something.
Betty: Or you could’ve told me and I could’ve announced it in my daily family newsletter, The Betty Gazettey!
Ralph: She wanted people to learn about it, mom.
Betty: People read the Betty Gazettey!
Teri: Yeah, they do. You and dad. And sometimes me, very quickly in the bathroom if you ask me if I read it.
Betty: That’s why you always go in the bathroom when I ask you about it?
Teri: Of course! You’re the only one who didn’t know that!
Carlene: Even I knew that.
Daphne: So did I.
Betty: Of course you did Daphne, you’re a teenager, you guys pick up on rudeness.
Daphne: What? I’m not rude!
Betty: Of course you aren’t. But teenagers usually are.
Velma: Can we get back on subject here?
Mitchell: Yes, can we? This is very exciting news!
Velma: Thank you for the enthusiasm, Mitchell. You seem to be the only one.
Karl: I’m interested too! This is a unique opportunity and I do think it’ll be fun for us to all experience it together!
Velma: That’s the spirit!
Teri: Why am I not surprised that you’d be with Velma on this?
Cindy: Because he’s into this nerdy stuff.
Karl: Not everything has to get a snarky response, girls. This can actually be pretty fun if you aren’t dead-set against having fun.
Cindy: I don’t think it’s very fun at all. A solar eclipse is a message from god that society as we know it is about to come to an end. My pastor said so.
Teri: And I’m always making a snarky joke, that’s just me. Don’t take it seriously, I do think this will be fun.
Velma: Another one on board! Who else?
Danielle: I think it sounds fun. It’s not like I have anywhere better to be.
Velma: Another one!
Betty: I of course need to cover it for The Betty Gazettey! I just started it up last month, I need to make sure it’s the #1 newsletter in this house!
Velma: Great!
Steven: I have to write a report on it for school.Tammy:
Tammi: You do? Why is your school promoting the end of the world like that?
Teri: Maybe because it’s not the end of the world?
Tammi: Don’t insult my beliefs.
Teri: Your belief that the world is ending? It’s ridiculous! Eclipses are normal!
Velma: As the astrologer in this family, I can confirm that they really are.
Cindy: I don’t think knowing the astronomy signs are real helpful in this situation.
Velma: I meant astronomer! The words are very similar.
Cindy: They are, but I feel like an actual astronomer wouldn’t make the mistake.
Velma: That is low.
Cindy: True though!
Velma: Alright, so we’re watching this together and that’s that. Who wants to bake astronomy cookies with me? I bought cookie cutters on Amazon shaped like planets and stars and I think it’s a cute idea.
Betty: I’ll help you bake them! I love baking.
Velma: Alright! Now, who wants to help me set up the chairs outside on the morning of the eclipse?
Ralph: I can help you. Mitchell will, too.
Mitchell: Me? When did I volunteer?
Velma: You’re my husband and this was my idea. Of course you’re helping.
Danielle: What time is the eclipse?
Velma: It’s supposed to reach totality around 1:30. So I was thinking we could go out around noon and have a little party.
Danielle: Okay. Sounds good.
Cindy: I still can’t believe you’re glorifying this. This could be a disaster.
Teri: Read a book, Cindy!
Velma: Preferably one about astronomy.
Cindy: You mean astrology?
Velma: Oh, shut up. This family meeting is adjourned!
Steven: Good, I can go watch NASCAR now!
Velma: You let him watch that, Cindy? Isn’t that glorifying something related to the devil?
Cindy: I’m not Steven’s mother, and no. It’s just a lot of fun.
Velma: I get it. Things are only evil and ungodly when you don’t like it.
Cindy: Now you’re attacking my Christian values and I don’t appreciate it.
Velma: Okay, I’m done with this conversation. If you don’t want to observe the eclipse with us and instead want to hide under a table during it, fine by me.
Cindy: I’m not going to hide under a table! You people are ridiculous.
Three days later…
Velma: Oh would you look at that? The news is covering the eclipse!
Teri: I don’t think any of us ever said they wouldn’t. It’s a big deal for us here.
Betty: The Betty Gazettey said it’s going to make tourism in Lakey rise by 400%.
Teri: You can’t use yourself as a source, mom.
Betty: I heard it on the news!
Danielle: And you didn’t source it? For shame! I thought that was a Betty Gazettey exclusive!
Betty: Did I do something wrong?
Teri: Journalists have to cite their sources.
Danielle: It’s pretty much journalism 101. Anything other than that is plagiarism. That’s a huge scandal!
Teri: You could lose the Betty Gazettey!
Betty: I’m sorry! Don’t report me!
Velma: Betty… come on.
Betty: What?
Velma: You run a one-page newspaper that you email to the family. You’re not getting reported, they’re just messing with you.
Betty: Thank god! I’m not made for jail.
Velma: Listen to what they have to say on the news about the eclipse!
Cindy: It’s all lies! The media can not be trusted!
Velma: Just watch!
On the Lakey Action News…
Patrick Colby-Howerton: Here’s Alexa Vargas with the story.
Alexa: If you’re wondering why our typically-sleepy town is suddenly bursting with people, just look up. This Sunday, an eclipse will darken the sky, and Lakey is right in the center of the media frenzy. The national media has already set their sights on Lakey, with reporters from New York already here to report on the upcoming eclipse. I spoke with dozens of Lakey residents today, and though they’re excited for the eclipse, most didn’t find the event itself to be the biggest deal. Most that we spoke to are more interested in the economic impact from tourism than on the excitement of the solar event.
Velma: See Jerry, you’re always watching the economy. Doesn’t this at least make you happy?
Jerry: It’s not like this will really impact the national economy, just the economy around here. That would be great if I didn’t hate the local Chamber of Commerce.
Velma: Why do you hate them?
Teri: They revoked his membership back when he used to own a store on Main Street.
Velma: You owned a store?
Jerry: Well, technically. Cindy operated it, I paid the fees. It only lasted a few years about fifteen years ago.
Velma: How did I never know about this?
Teri: They don’t like to talk about it.
Betty: Do you think my ownership of the Betty Gazettey would qualify me for a Chamber of Commerce membership?
Karl: You aren’t a business dear. Your paper is great, but you don’t sell it.
Betty: Maybe I should! You guys would pay to read it, right?
Teri: Mom… no. I already told you none of us read it so as it is.
Betty: I respectfully disagree.
Three days later…
Betty: Velma! Where are these cookie cutters you said you had?
Velma: Oh, that’s right! I knew I forgot something! Let me go get them from my room.
Betty: Okay, I’ll start mixing everything together so we’re ready to cut the cookies out right when you get down here!
Velma: Perfect!
Velma rushes upstairs to get her cookie cutters while Betty throws the ingredients into the mixer.
Karl: Hey Betty, can you come here? I need your help getting this picture off the wall.
Betty: Oh, sure! Let me help!
Karl: Now please. I’m about to drop it.
Betty: Alright, I’m coming!
Five minutes later…
Velma: Alright, took me awhile but I found my cookie cutters. Now let me quick wash them and -
Velma looks at the kitchen and screams.
Velma: Betty, what happened?
Karl: It’s my fault, really.
Velma: You don’t have to lie for her.
Betty: It is his fault!
Karl: You’re so quick to throw me under the bus, it’s so sweet.
Velma: Can someone please just explain what’s going on?
Betty: I put the cookie mix into the mixer and was doing perfectly fine, then Karl called me over for help since he was taking this picture off the wall and he was about to drop it. I mean over so quickly because he was getting frustrated and forgot to turn the mixer off.
Velma: And now there’s cookie batter all over the kitchen.
Betty: Exactly. I’m very sorry. I tried to clean it up but I just rubbed it in and made it worse.
Velma: Okay, I think I can just clean this up.
Betty: I want to help! I can’t help but feel like I played a small part in it.
Velma: You can help.
Betty: Yay!
Velma: By not helping.
Betty: Aww.
Velma: I’ll clean this up, and since it’s getting late, I can just make the next batch tomorrow. I was hoping to be able to relax tomorrow since it’s Saturday, but it’ll be fine. You just write this story for your newsletter or something.
Betty: Will you promise to read it?
Velma: Yes, I’ll read it.
Cindy: Oh, I see your devil cookies didn’t work out so well! I guess the devil wasn’t pleased with what you were offering?
Velma: Unless you think your mother is the devil, the devil has nothing to do with this mess.
Cindy: You believe what you want to. We will be going to church on Sunday for our traditional service and we’re going to ride out the eclipse there.
Velma: I can’t believe I’m doing all of this work just for you guys to not even come because you have some crazy belief that this means the end of the world is coming soon
Cindy: We’ll see who’s really crazy.
Teri: Yes, we will see you’re crazy. Very soon!
Cindy: Bud out, Teri.
Two days later, on the morning of the eclipse…
Velma: Mitchell! Get the hell out of bed! It’s almost ten o’clock!
Danielle: You seem angry today, Velma.
Velma: Look outside!
Cindy: Jesus is crying because the world is ending! I'm right, you’re crazy, you’re welcome!
Danielle: It’s just rain, don’t be so down Velma.
Velma: I had a whole party planned for this eclipse and now none of my plans can come to fruition.
Karl: Don’t worry about it Velma, we really appreciate it. We can easily set up your party in here.
Velma: It won’t be the same. We were going to get to watch the moon cover the sun while eating cookies shaped like the moon and the sun! Now we can’t!
Danielle: The meteorologist said it might clear up by totality, it’s going to be fine.
Teri: Yeah, and even still. We can still go out and look at it. Just grab an umbrella or a poncho.
Velma: I suppose.
Karl: Let’s just set everything up in here, we can play the games you had planned, eat the food you got, everything will be just fine.
Velma: Alright, I guess. Lemons out of lemonade.
Tammi: Mom, we have to go. Church is starting in about forty minutes and you don’t even have your shoes on.
Cindy: I’ll get them on.
Velma: Last chance guys. You can rush home after church and watch the eclipse with us!
Danielle: Do you have enough eclipse glasses?
Velma: I got some extras just in case.
Cindy: Don’t wast your energy trying to convince us, we’re staying at church. Now, let me go get ready.
Two hours later…
Carlene: I’m back from church! Did I miss anything?
Velma: You missed a miracle!
Carlene: A miracle? What happened?
Velma: In one miraculous moment, it went from pouring rain to clear skies.
Teri: You don’t need to be quite so dramatic. They said this might happen on the news.
Velma: You’re right. But I didn’t have any hope it would actually happen so I’m considering it a miracle.
Teri: So are we moving all of this stuff outside now?
Velma: No, let’s just leave it in. As long as we have some chairs out there to watch the eclipse, we’re good.
Betty: Then let’s get this show on the road! Wait! Let me take a picture first! I can put it in the Betty Gazettey!
Ninety minutes later…
Velma: Guys, it’s time to go outside!
Danielle: I’m still playing pin the tail on the sun!
Velma: You can finish up later, we have to go get in our seats!
As the family walks outside, they see Cindy’s car pull into the driveway.
Betty: Cindy? What the heck are you doing here?
Velma: Yeah, I’d like to know the same thing. Aren’t we crazy for glorifying the apocalypse or something?
Cindy: Steven reminded us that he had to observe the eclipse for school, and we didn’t have eclipse glasses.
Frank: I told them he didn’t need them, but they insisted on coming back to get a pair.
Cindy: And now we don’t have time to go back.
Betty: First off, you’re an idiot Frank.
Frank: Back at you!
Tammi: Honey! That’s my grandmother! Only I can call her an idiot!
Betty: You are too sweet, Tammi.
Velma: People! People! We have to stop fighting and sit down and watch the beauty in the sky!
Karl: I’ll go get you guys some chairs.
Cindy: Thank you, dad. If I have to witness the end of the world, at least I’ll do if comfortably.
Ten minutes later…
Velma: The eclipse is reaching totality! Would you look at that?
Teri: It’s actually very beautiful, Velma. Now I’m sorry I made fun of you for being so excited about it.
Velma: My lord, an apology from Teri? This is truly a blessed day.
Cindy: It’s actually the exact opposite of that.
Teri: Do you ever think your pastor may be wrong? She’s the only one I’ve heard say this.
Carlene: Yeah, I go to a different church a few towns over and they sent us home telling us to enjoy the beautiful eclipse. I think your guy might just be a nut.
Cindy: My pastor is not a guy, it’s a girl because I believe in girl power.
Teri: I believe they call it feminism now.
Cindy: No, not that. That’s terrorism.
Velma: Stop arguing and look at the sky! It’s gorgeous! Isn’t it gorgeous, Mitchell?
Mitchell: It is!
Velma: I’m glad you finally rolled out of bed in time to see it!
Mitchell: I thought you said no arguing.
What did you think of the midseason premiere? Make sure to comment your thoughts below and make sure to return next week!
