Bake Your Heart Out Season 1 Episode 14 - A Vacation Cut Short (Season Finale)

Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 14
A Vacation Cut Short

Five months after the finale of Bake Your Heart Out, in Paul’s office…
Leslie: What’s going on? Why did you call me in now? It’s only two days after our last meeting.
Paul: This is what I’d call an emergency.
Leslie: Frances and DeAnna didn’t get into a fist fight on set again, what emergency could you possibly be referencing?
Paul: The ratings.
Leslie: You said they weren’t strong, but what’s really changed in the past few days?
Paul: We’re getting streaming numbers and delayed ratings for the first few episodes now. It’s not good.
Leslie: It’s only been three episodes.
Paul: Yes, that’s the problem.
Leslie: It’s that bad?
Paul: It is. Those two loons must have actually brought something to the table.
Leslie: I told you that. Many times.
Paul: You didn’t, but that’s beside the point.
Leslie: What are we going to do about it?
Paul: It’s still our top show, but it’s lost the title of #1 show on TV at this point, pretty easily. We probably have to shake up the cast again.
Leslie: I asked to do that last week and you said no. Frances and DeAnna are fighting, making Pam and Charlotte miserable. They’ve both threatened to quit, as have many members of the crew. You didn’t care.
Paul: I changed my mind.
Leslie: And what caused that?
Paul: We did focus group testing. Fifty former viewers, thirty people that have never viewed the show but they’ve seen promos, and fifty people who are still watching. Ninety percent of those that have watched are unhappy about the cast changes, minty-five percent of those that stopped watching cite Sam and Diane leaving as their main reason for dropping the show, forty percent of those still watching are considering stopping sometime this season, and seventy-five percent of those that have never watched would be less likely to watch now. That’s not good.
Leslie: It doesn’t sound it. What do you want to do?
Paul: The focus group likes Charlotte.
Leslie: At least we can all agree on that.
Paul: They don’t think Pam and DeAnna have any chemistry.
Leslie: They really don’t.
Paul: They’re uncomfortable with how tense things are between DeAnna and Frances. One woman said that “it’s not relaxing” for her to watch it anymore.
Leslie: What do you think it’s like to film it?
Paul: I’d assume it’s uncomfortable.
Leslie: It’s a little worse than that.
Paul: We need to get Sam and Diane back.
Leslie begins to laugh uncontrollably for nearly a minute.
Leslie: My god Paul, you are hilarious! I didn’t know you had it in you.
Paul: I wasn’t joking. I want them back.
Leslie: You really aren’t joking?
Paul: No. When do I joke?
Leslie: Any time you act like you’re running a real network.
Paul: We nearly had the #1 show on television!
Leslie: You see, that was how you make a joke.
Paul: Get serious now. How are we going to get them back?
Leslie: We’re not going to. They left, they want nothing to do with you, and they’ve moved on with their lives. Diane is down in Fiji prancing around on the beach, Sam is in New York with her wife. Neither seems like they’re dying to come back for you to pay them less than they’re worth.
Paul: I’ll give them a raise.
Leslie: Hmm…
Paul: A bigger raise than I offered them before.
Leslie: I’ll call them, fine. What’s your plan for when they say no?
Paul: They won’t.
Leslie: What is your plan? We’re going in circles.
Paul: We still fire DeAnne and Pam -
Leslie: What did poor Pam do wrong?
Paul: She doesn’t add much to the show.
Leslie: Alright, what after that? That’s a half-plan.
Paul: After that we look for more new hosts. Maybe we get it right this time. 
Meanwhile, in Fiji…
Diane: I have been here a month and I’m bored now.
Sam: You can come home if you want.
Diane: What’s at home for me? Bottles of booze? That’s here, too. And I can stay in my hotel room and have a maid clean it up.
Sam: Maybe you can see your kids!
Diane: What did they do to you to deserve having you say that?
Sam: They would love to see you. Allison texted me today, she asked how you were since you didn’t answer.
Diane: She always calls at night! I always forget to call her back then.
Sam: Set a reminder or something. I told her she’d call you.
Diane: Hold on, I’m getting another call.
Sam: Is it Allison?
Diane: No, it’s Leslie. Lord knows why.
Sam: Pick it up.
Diane: Alright, talk to you later.
Leslie: Diane! Are you there?
Diane: I’m here, Leslie!
Leslie: How is your trip?
Diane: It’s lovely! Beautiful beaches, even better bottled water, the hotel is gorgeous. I’m living it up.
Leslie: I figured.
Diane: That’s so formal. What’s up?
Leslie: I just got out of a meeting with Paul.
Diane: At 5:30?
Leslie: Well, four hours ago. I waited until it was a reasonable time for you. I googled it.
Diane: Very kind of you. I wish my daughter would do the same!
Leslie: Anyway. He was wondering if you would be interesting in returning to the show? He wanted to set up an interview with you and Sam and asked me to reach out. I know it’s silly, but I figured I’d ask because Bake Your Heart Out is in danger.
Diane: Danger?
Leslie: Our ratings have fallen and there’s fight after fight on the set. It’s not been going well since you left.
Diane: I’m going to tell you a secret.
Leslie: What’s that?
Diane: I’m miserable here. I’m miserable in general. I don’t have much of a purpose right now.
Leslie: I’m so sorry to hear that. You can always talk to me if you want.
Diane: I’d really appreciate that. So, you were saying something about me returning?
Leslie: Yes, if you want to come back, just let me know,. I can set you up with Paul for a meeting when it’s convenient.
Diane: I can get a flight out of here on Friday. Does Monday work?
Leslie: Oh my, that’s fast. Sure, it’ll work. Oh, and one thing. Don’t tell Paul you want to come back. Act like you really don’t. It’ll get you more money. He’s so desperate.
Diane: Good to know!
Leslie: Alright, I’d better get going. I should call Sam. She’s going to be the tougher one to convince it seems.
Diane: Good luck!
Leslie: Thanks. I’ll need it.
Leslie hangs up with Diane and calls Sam.
Sam: Leslie! Last I heard you were talking to Diane!
Leslie: How’d you?
Sam:  She was on the phone with me when you called her.
Leslie: Oh! Makes sense.
Sam: So what’s going on that you’re calling both of us? Something wrong?
Leslie: Nothing’s wrong. I just have a request.
Sam: What’s the request? Do you want me to come back to the show or something?
Leslie: My god.
Sam: What is it?
Leslie: It’s like you read my mind!
Sam: I was kidding!
Leslie: Well, I’m not. I wanted to invite you back to the show. I can set up a meeting for you with Paul if you’re interested.
Sam: I couldn’t come back without Diane.
Leslie: She’s already on board.
Sam: Damn you, Diane.
Leslie: Don’t you want to return?
Sam: It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I don’t want to come back to the show. It’s that I don’t want to come crawling back to Paul.
Leslie: He’s the one crawling back to you! He called me into his office and begged me to get you two back. The show is a disaster. There’s nothing good happening. People are fighting, ratings are falling, focus groups I wasn’t even aware of hate the show now… I need your help.
Sam: Alright, I’ll come out for a meeting with Paul. It’s not like I have much going on right now. I’ve been in New York for two months and I miss working. I was going to try to get a Netflix special or something, but I’ll try to save your show.
Leslie: Just do me a favor.
Sam: What?
Leslie: Paul is so desperate to get you guys back. I already told Diane this, but you can’t let Paul know you want to come back. Play hard to get. He’ll pay anything to get you back. He wants to save his number one show.
Sam: Sounds like a plan. I like being the one in charge.
On Monday, in Paul’s office…
Paul: Sam! Diane! Lovely to see you!
Diane: Yeah, hi Paul.
Paul: How are you two today?
Sam: We’re fine. You?
Paul: I’m well.
Diane: You’re acting very serious today. It’s unlike you.
Paul: This is a very serious meeting. It’s not like usual when you’d ask for cream puffs or something at craft services. This is negotiating a contract to return to Bake Your Heart Out!
Diane: We’re only here as a favor to Leslie, we’re not even sure we want to come back.
Paul: I want to do everything in my power to make you guys comfortable and ready to come back. You’re important parts of this show and I’m sorry I didn’t consider that before.
Diane: So, what’s on the table here?
Paul: Well, you should contact your attorneys so we can negotiate here.
Sam: I am a practicing attorney, I can oversee this 
Paul: Are you really?
Diane: No, she’s not. That was a skit from our comedy tour. She was the world’s worst attorney and I was her client.
Sam: Hey! I’ve been able to convince multiple people that I’m a real attorney.
Diane: Just because those idiots on that tour bus in New York were convinced you were an attorney when you threatened to sue them doesn’t mean anyone else believes you.
Sam: Fine.
Paul: Anyway, if you’re more comfortable just going through this meeting without our attorneys and then consulting with them later, that’s also fine. I’ll do the same thing.
Sam: Yes, we’re good with that. Now, what’s your offer?
Paul: I can give you each 450,000 dollars per episode to return.
Sam: Come on.
Diane: Freddy and William are paid far more than that and their show is a flop.
Paul: Reality shows are just designed to be cheaper than scripted shows. You both know that. I can’t be paying you two 600,000 dollars an episode, and then pay Frances and Charlotte 350,000.
Sam: Oh, you gave Frances a raise? How kind.
Paul: I’m willing to go up to 475,000 an episode for both of you. That’s 95,000 dollars more per episode!
Diane: You know what? We don’t need this show and we certainly don’t need you. We’ll make our own baking show and take it to ABC! Good day!
Diane storms out of Garry’s room, and Sam follows her.
Diane: I can’t believe I just did that!
Sam: I can’t either, to be quite honest.
Diane: He just enraged me so much.
Sam: Were you serious about making a new baking show?
Diane: Why not? We can call it Bake It Up and we’re gonna make it the number one show on TV.
Sam: We should ask the whole gang to join the show. Garry’s unemployed, Frances is miserable, Leslie is miserable. 
Diane: Let’s get the band back together!
Sam and Diane head over to Bake Your Heart Out’s studio…
Leslie: Sam and Diane, what are you two doing here?
Frances: I wouldn’t recommend being here. You’re at risk of having to see a diva terrorize us all.
DeAnna: Oh, shut it Frances. You’re the one who has never treated me with any respect around here.
Frances: Because you’ve treated me like crap since the moment we met.
DeAnna: I get it, you’re an angel and I’m the devil.
Leslie: Can you two just shut up? We have guests!
Charlotte: It’s lovely to see you ladies.
Sam: It’s nice to see you as well.
Diane: Now, could we speak with Leslie and Frances? Alone?
Frances: Let’s meet in my dressing room.
Sam: Sounds good. I wanna see what you did with it.
In Frances’s dressing room…
Sam: Oh my god, what happened to my dressing room? It’s pink!
Frances: I decided to make it my own.
Sam: You certainly did!
Diane: I enjoy the Survivor memorabilia on the walls.
Frances: I thought you would!
Sam: Okay, time to get to why we came to see you guys.
Frances: Yes, please do! I’m so curious!
Sam: We just got out of our meeting with Paul.
Leslie: Ooh, how did it go?
Sam: Not well.
Leslie: Oh no!
Diane: I stormed off and in the heat of the moment, I yelled to him that we were going to make a new baking show that would compete with Bake Your Heart Out.
Leslie: You’re not really going to do that, are you?
Diane: I wasn’t planning on it at first…
Leslie: But you are now?
Diane: Yes, and I want you guys to come along with us! It’s going to be a lot of fun.
Leslie: I can’t do that.
Frances: And neither can I. I have a contract.
Sam: That is a setback.
Leslie: You can still use this as leverage. Go have a conversation with another network about the show. Get Garry on board perhaps. Make it seem super real. I’ll let Paul know about it. He’ll panic because he definitely thought you were lying about it.
Diane: Well, I was.
Leslie: He’ll demand I get you guys back in. Then you can really negotiate a huge raise.
Frances: And then when you guys are confirmed to be back as hosts, DeAnna can get fired!
Leslie: Yes, that will happen.
Diane: This is still going to leave Garry without a job. I feel bad for him. He only quit because of us.
Leslie: If Paul really wants you guys back that bad, make Garry being rehired part of your demands.
Diane: That’s good! But what about poor Charlotte?
Leslie: He’d never fire her. We’ll just have three judges.
Frances: I don’t like that. We’ve always just had two judges.
Leslie: It’s my show, Frances! If I’m okay with three judges, you should be too.
Frances: Fine.
Diane: Alright, I guess we should put this plan in motion. I’ll call Garry.
Leslie: I’m excited! We’re finally reuniting!
Sam: It’s only been five months.
Leslie: I know, but it feels like so much longer.
Diane: Alright, let me go call Garry.
Diane calls Garry.
Garry: Diane! It’s been too long! Back from Fiji yet?
Diane: Yeah, I just got back. And now I have a proposition for you.
Garry: Oh boy. What is it?
Diane: Okay, Paul wants us to return to Bake Your Heart Out -
Garry: He does? Oh my god, that’s so great! When do we start? I have to get out of this house. The baby is driving me nuts!
Diane: Well, I phrased that wrong. Paul wants Sam and I to return to Bake Your Heart Out.
Garry: Oh.
Diane: Don’t worry! We’re gonna get your job back, too!
Garry: Oh really? How’s that?
Diane: Okay, I have a plan. So, Sam and I went in for a meeting with Paul today. He’s desperate for us to come back, but he’s still lowballing us. So we stormed out and told him about a new show we’re pitching.
Garry: Do you want me to be on that?
Diane: That was the plan, but Leslie and Frances shot that down quickly.
Garry: Why’s that?
Diane: Something about them having contracts or something. Let me finish before you interrupt again.
Garry: Alright. Oh, sorry!
Diane: So, we’re gonna still go meet with ABC and pitch the show. We want you to come along to try and make them even more interested. Then, Leslie will tell Paul that we went and pitched the show and are close to a series order. Follow so far?
Garry: Kinda. I just dont’ know how this gets me my job back.
Diane: Just wait. Paul is going to be so paranoid that we’re gonna start a new show that could kill Bake Your Heart Out, he’ll get us back in for another meeting. That’s when he’ll throw a ton of cash at us and grant whatever request we have. One of them will be that he hires you back.
Garry: You really think that’ll work?
Diane: It’s worth a try. Hey, the worst case scenario is that Paul still screws us over and we go get a show on ABC!
Garry: Alright, I’m in!
To be continued…

What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for the midseason premiere of Our House! Bake Your Heart Out will return this summer!

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