Written in Blood and Shock by Bridger Cunningham
The sitcom world is awash in another end of season bloodbath, as the sitcom killer claimed Last Man Standing as its third victim. As we take a moment of silence to mourn, the table has been updated with 15 original entries teetering the scales:
Last Man Standing's bloody last moments left analysts reeling as it gasped its last 1.1 breath on 3/31. Earlier today, ABC announced it renewed Modern Family for a lucrative 2-season renewal, yet opted against renewing the Tim Allen laugher for a 7th season. Often winning its timeslot, its odds of renewal were placed at 90% by this weekly entry. Before delving into the bloody body count, let's take a moment and discussed what changed since last Friday when 12 exposed sitcoms defended their renewals in Between Heaven and Hell.
The Simpsons delivered another soft-yet-sturdy 1.0, bringing its average down to a 1.81. Kevin Can Wait's finale also delivered a soft 1.1, yet finished the 2016-17 season in 5th Place with a 1.60 season average. The Middle slipped again as it tied its series low 1.2, yet will likely return to a tie again if blackish has a soft delivery. American Housewife remained steady and will finish in 9th place, while The Great Indoors received a nose-bashing dive 0.7 for its finale, ending the season in 11th Place with a 1.41. Mom has been declared the 10th place entry of the season, as it would need to score a 1.2 to tie TGI.
Further down, Family Guy held steady in weekly delivery and rank, and Man with a Plan's soft season finale cemented its 17th place season average with a 1.24. It lost the tie with Life in Pieces. Fresh Off The Boat narrowly bested Superior Donuts for 18th Place, as SD's series low 0.9 finale finished the season at 1.18 under FOTB's 1.19. The Anemic range cemented final ranks from 23rd through a three-way concluded 25th Place tie. Bob's Burgers retained its average 0.98, thanks to a 0.9 uptick this week. Imaginary Mary also retained much of its season overage at 0.9, thanks to a similar uptick.
Last Man On Earth delivered a double-down finale with a dismal series low 0.7 for both entries. It finishes the season at a 0.90 average and may overtake IM in rank. 4th season entry Brooklyn 99 delivered a double dose of 0.6 devastation, slipping to 30th Place from a 4-way 25th Place tie last week. If B99 keeps this dismal pattern afloat, it may likely finish the season below Dr. Ken in 31st Place. Great News needs positive headlines, as it dropped into the Delta of the Anemic Range with a 0.85 and stands in grave danger of plunging into the abyss. And Making History is likely to become a memory as it plunges deeper. And finally, LMS's bloodshed led to downgrading Dr. Ken to a 45% chance of renewal due to losing its running partner.
And back to Camp Fractional Lake....
Last week featured several at-risk shows splashing around in the treacherous waters, unaware two of their neighbors were missing. Then by sheer luck, the ABC shuttle had engine trouble and overlooked the foolish campers. All remained in plain sight and kept their cellphones charged, except Last Man Standing. Calling out to their Friday neighbor, Dr. Ken, they asked if they had a charger. "I left it in the cabin." Declared Dr. Ken. LMS ordered Dr. Ken to help them. As they ventured into the dark cabin, they discussed plans for Friday crossovers when LMS opened the closet door in the cabin. Sadly, the masked figure knifed the lively sitcom who never plunged into fractional waters.
Dr. Ken panicked and fled the cabin, chased into the woods by the masked killer. A wise move would have been to find the other sitcoms and stick together, but a clouded laugh track burned out Dr. Ken's common sense. As LMS tried to make it to the window and warn its fellow campers, it eyed Modern Family. Thankfully, MF had the common sense to flee the damned grounds and called uber. As their ride arrived, blackish desperately waved down renewed MF for a ride. "Black folks don't fare well in these dismal campgrounds. Help me!"
Last Man on Earth also hitched along after finding its renewal The trio rode off, leaving their neighbors behind. Now, 15 shows escaped the bloodbath with lucrative renewals. 3 appear to have fallen casualty to the sitcom killer, and an additional 17 remain at risk. And the killer emerged from the woods with Dr. Ken's fate unknown. The ABC crowd rated above 1.19 is guarded and staying in well-lit areas with cell reception. As the sun fades, 11 soft-rated sitcoms remain in the eyes of the sitcom killer's bait.
The body count thus far:
The Odd Couple -- Disappeared into the winter and has not been heard from since February; likely DOA.
Powerless -- Thrown my the masked assailant into the electrical powerbox in April, killing the power on the doomed grounds.
Last Man Standing -- Knifed indoors in irony as it appeared being in an occupied cabin with a companion would save them.
Predicted Casualties:
The Great Indoors
Son of Zorn
The Real O'Neal's
Imaginary Mary
Great News
Making History
Tread Carefully. Night is falling on the 2016-17 season.