LORENZO, ACE, BRYAN, VICTOR, ROBERT, HARRY, and MANNY are all in the Indianapolis Primitives’ bullpen. It is the ninth inning.
LORENZO
Hey Coach, think we’ll pitch today?
MANNY
Obviously not given the fire took the bullpen’s phone away, and please stop calling me Coach.
LORENZO
Well in that case I think I’m gonna leave. What’s the point of being in a bullpen if you can’t have a bench?
MANNY
You’re gonna have a bench eventually, they just have to put one in that…isn’t as flammable as the old one.
ROBERT
Is this the first bench in baseball history to go down in flames?
HARRY
Probably. That’s the cost of all this smartscreen 6D 8G technology.
BRYAN
Huh?
HARRY
What I’m saying is this wouldn’t have happened if you just had an ordinary bench.
LORENZO
If we had an ordinary bench I would call for a strike.
HARRY
You, the former owner of a local restaurant, would support a strike?
LORENZO
Yes I would.
VICTOR
When I got traded here I thought I was gonna play second base, not sit on the grass in the bullpen because they had no bench. Good thing I’m a free agent at the end of the year.
ACE
You’ll be back.
VICTOR
Oh thanks, I really needed to hear that!
ACE
Just saying, I’ve been here three years with no notable contributions on the field. You gotta prove another team wants you and there’s not much you can do about that here.
VICTOR
Am I…stuck here?
ROBERT
I wouldn’t say that, two guys got sent down to the minors just at the beginning of the season.
VICTOR
Are you serious?!
BRYAN
You could always just sit in the dugout and see if they give you playing time.
MANNY
That’s a terrible idea. And speaking of which, I see Jason running after us now.
JASON approaches the bullpen.
JASON
Guys, we have a real sticky situation on our hands.
Everyone stares at JASON.
JASON
No nervous laugher?! Would it help if I said pun intended?!
Nobody says a word. JASON sighs.
JASON
None of you were watching the game, were you?
LORENZO
Not one second of it.
JASON
Well, our pitcher just got ejected for having a banned substance. Tar, to be exact. Sticky stuff.
MANNY
Did he actually have it?!
JASON
Who knows, and if so who knows how long he’s been using it! Could just have been a cheap way for the other team to knock out our pitcher but the ump seemed convinced.
HARRY
You’re really in a tough position now, you have nobody who can pitch.
JASON
I have a whole bullpen right here!
HARRY
Yeah. And nobody who can pitch.
JASON
True. But someone’s gonna have to. Victor, how do you feel about trying to throw a baseball to a catcher from the mound?
VICTOR
Awful, but I suppose someone has to do it.
JASON
Perfect. I just need you to get one guy out without giving up a run and we win the game!
VICTOR slowly walks onto the field and approaches the mound. He takes 10 deep breaths and then throws the ball. It is a weak ground ball toward the second baseman. VICTOR sprits in front of the second baseman to field the ball himself and get the batter out to win the game. He sprints back to the dugout.
VICTOR
Guys! Guess who pitched AND played second base in one at-bat! Oh, they already left.
VICTOR leaves.