DARNELL, CASEY, and TOMMY have arrived at an apartment complex in a small town in Ohio.
DARNELL
Here we are!
CASEY
We all have our own apartments…right?
DARNELL
Of course! I’m like, the richest man in the world.
TOMMY
No you’re not.
DARNELL
Anyways, I need to announce I’m running for Congress.
TOMMY
How are you gonna get the press to show up?
DARNELL takes out his phone and starts typing.
DARNELL
Easy. Just sent out a message on social media. They’ll be all over this. I’ll make the announcement later on today.
TOMMY
Don’t you want a few tips?
DARNELL
A few tips? All I gotta do is stick to the talking points.
TOMMY
Do you even know what the talking points are?
DARNELL
Uh…
CASEY
Here. Let’s get you in front of a TV.
CASEY, DARNELL, and TOMMY find DARNELL’s new apartment. CASEY and TOMMY set up DARNELL’s TV and turn on a cable news station.
TOMMY
Just…watch this.
DARNELL
For how long?
TOMMY
Right until we leave for your big announcement.
CASEY
Don’t forget he needs to practice his speech.
DARNELL
You kidding? I don’t need a prepared speech!
DARNELL watches TV for a few hours while CASEY and TOMMY set up the rest of his apartment.
TOMMY
Darnell, it’s about time we leave now.
DARNELL
Alright, let’s do this!
CASEY
Oh we’re staying here. Good luck though!
DARNELL leaves his apartment for a remote field. A group of reporters is waiting for him.
DARNELL
Good afternoon Iowa! I mean, Ohio! Ohio, excuse me. Always get those two confused.
The reporters stare in shock.
DARNELL
I would like to announce that I am OFFICIALLY running for Congress of the United States. I can’t wait to be a fighter in Washington and drain the swamp of the radical left socialist Green New Deal agenda. We need to fix the problems facing everyday Americans today as well as the crisis at the border. Any questions?
REPORTER #1
Many, first, Senate or House?
DARNELL
What’s that now?
REPORTER #1
Are you running for the Senate or the House?
DARNELL
As I said, I am running for Congress. Next question.
REPORTER #2
Okay but Congress has the House and the Senate, which one are you running for?
DARNELL
I am running to represent this district.
REPORTER #2
So the House, you could’ve just said that. Also, I would like to point out that none of the candidates running for the Democratic nomination here support the Green New Deal.
REPORTER #3
Sir would you mind going into your plan to fight the crisis at the border?
DARNELL
Yes, lots of trouble at the border, we have to look into it. When it comes down to it, you can vote for the socialist or you can vote for me. Thank you Ohio!
DARNELL leaves the field and heads back to the apartment.
CASEY
What the hell was that?
DARNELL
You said you weren’t coming!
CASEY
We weren’t, but there was a local broadcast.
DARNELL
I could’ve explained things better. I should’ve said we have a crisis at the northern border from all the people swimming across the lake with the caravan boats.
TOMMY
You absolutely should not have.
DARNELL
Well I think I avoided total humiliation.
CASEY
You called Ohio Iowa and didn’t know if you were running for House or Senate.
DARNELL
Yes but my opponent is a socialist.
TOMMY
No they’re not.
DARNELL
Yeah they are.
CASEY
There’s still time to say you were joking.
DARNELL
Nope, I’m in this to win this. Now let’s wait for that money to pour in.