Bake Your Heart Out Season 4 Episode 11 - Hammer Horror

Bake Your Heart Out Season 4, Episode 11
Hammer Horror

The group walks into the lobby of the Riviera Inn…

Diane: I still can’t believe you all eliminated her. She was so good!

Frances: It was the top five, they’re all good! She just did the worst this week.

Sam: Are you really upset they eliminated someone just because she shares a name with your favorite pop star?

Diane: Yes! I mean no! She’s also a lovely person.

Frances: Being a lovely person doesn’t win a baking contest.

Charlotte: How else do you think Frances got to the top of the baking world?

Frances: You bitch.

Melanie: Okay, what’s the hullabaloo today?

Leslie: They sent home Diane’s favorite baker.

Melanie: How could you?

Frances: Please don’t take her side, not even jokingly.

Diane: Her croissants were good!

Garry: And her eclairs were not.

Frances: This was her third week in a row in the bottom!

Diane: You put her there!

Frances: She always deserved it!

Sam: Gee, Melanie, aren’t you just devastated that you’re working this shift and can’t go to dinner with us tonight?

Melanie: You know, you’re going to call me ridiculous, but I really would rather be at dinner with you all than be here. These people are nuts.

Sam: And you think we’re any saner? I thought you knew us better than that!

Melanie: None of you have ever bled in your beds and left it for me to clean up. Not just a little blood. I think someone was murdered up there!

Leslie: It seems like you're going through something… we’ll leave you alone.

Melanie: Please don’t!

Garry: Try spit, that usually gets blood out for me.

Melanie: Thanks, Garry. I’ll definitely try spitting all over a large foot-long pool of blood. That’ll make it fit for use again.

Later that night, at dinner…

Sam: I have big news!

Charlotte: Your news is always about Nicolle, so I’m assuming she’s returning to town?

Sam: I talk about things other than Nicolle!

Charlotte: You’re right, you’re always chiming in to mock us for whatever it is we’re talking about.

Sam: Do you all really think that of me? Garry?

Garry: Are you for real?

Sam: This is hurtful.

Leslie: Not as hurtful as ninety percent of the things that come out of your mouth.

Frances: Can you just tell us what the news is?

Sam: I’ve signed Diane and I up to build a house for Homes for Humankind.

Diane: Ha! That’s a good one! And just when I started to think you were losing your comic touch…

Sam: You thought what?

Diane: Oh, we were all thinking it!

Garry: I’m staying out of this.

Diane: Seriously, though, you are joking, right?

Sam: We’re supposed to start tomorrow! It’ll just be us and a small crew of guys. I told them we have experience.

Diane: That’s a lie! You’re a liar!

Sam: I didn’t tell them what we have experience doing. Just that we have it.

Diane: The closest I’ve ever come to being a carpenter is that time I accidentally joined a Carpenters tribute band when I was trying to audition for Jesus Christ Superstar.

Sam: I… don’t even want to know.

Diane: They asked me why I sung Everything’s Alright in my audition instead of a Carpenters song, but I got the job anyway.

Sam: Again, didn’t want to know.

Leslie: Well… did you ever learn Close To You.

Diane (singing): Why do birds suddenl-

Sam: I will literally kill myself if you sing a single additional lyric. I will slice my carotid with this steak knife and spray it across the table like a rusty sprinkler!

Frances: Rusty sprinkler, that sounds sexual.

Garry: Doesn’t Rusty Sprinkler sing Son of a Preacher Man?

Sam: So, Diane. Are you going to be selfish and not do this because you’re afraid of the challenge, or are you going to take a few days out of your busy schedule to help the less fortunate?

Diane: I’ll do it…

Sam: You’re a hero!

Frances: Don’t we have that trip to Mystic tomorrow?

Sam: That’s why I only signed the two of us up. Diane and I have already been to Mystic, you guys can enjoy your trip and we can do some humanitarianism. We all win.

Charlotte: I thought we were going to visit Mystic Pizza together! Diane’s the only other one in the group who likes those chintzy rom-coms.

Garry: I like rom-coms.

Charlotte: Like I said, it’s just me and Diane.

Diane: We can nerd out over rom-coms some other time, I promise.

Charlotte: You really mean it?

Diane: Of course. My life is a tragicomedy, you need to try living out a good rom-com to shake it up every once in a while.

Sam: But first, we turn your life into one of those direct-to-DVD feel-good Christian movies by building a house.

Diane: Yes, Sam.

Leslie: I’m just glad you didn’t rope us into this. That sounds like a pain in the ass.

Sam: Trust me, Leslie, the last thing I want is to spend the day in the sun building a house with Garry.

Garry: I’m rubber, you’re glue -

Sam: Something tells me you don’t have too much experience with rubbers.

The next day…

Diane: Sam, where is everybody?

Sam: Some news…

Diane: No, we’re not doing this. Where’s everyone?

Sam: They had a personal emergency and couldnt’ make it, so we’re on our own.

Diane: All of them?

Sam: Well, they’re a family.

Diane: Sam, we were never going to have a team of helpers, were we?

Sam: Err… no.

Diane: Why would you do this to me?

Sam: I knew you’d try to get out of it if you knew we were on our own.

Diane: Because trying to build a house on own own is lunacy!

Sam: The foundation’s laid! All we have to do is the rest.

Diane: They just agreed to let you build a house?

Sam: Yeah! Great, huh?

Diane: What kind of an organization is this?

Sam: A helpful one! We’re getting a renewed sense of purpose here. A new leash on life!

Diane: Our lives may end thanks to this stunt.

Sam: How could that happen?

Diane: We don’t know how to build houses.

Sam: We will learn. We’ll play The Bones by Maren Morris and get the hang of it quickly!

Diane: I don’t think that song’s meant to be instructive. In fact, I think it’s just a metaphor for a relationship.

Sam: Stop being such a buzzkill and let’s get to work.

Diane: This going to be terrible.

Two hours later…

Diane: So, Liz Truss, eh?

Sam: Huh?

Diane: The new British Prime Minister.

Sam: What about her?

Diane: Whaddaya think of her?

Sam: Why are we talking about this?

Diane: I’m trying to make small talk. Is that so wrong?

Sam: Since when do we make small talk about prime ministers?

Diane: Are you joking? I have heard more about the Prime Minister of Finland -

Sam: Sanna Marin

Diane: No, not Santa Claus, the Prime Minister of Finland. You keep bringing her up. Excuse me for thinking you may be interested in discussing other prime ministers.

Sam: At least I don’t talk about Olivia Rodrigo sixteen times a day.

Diane: Her music is my safe space, my therapist told me it’s okay to talk about her as a coping mechanism.

Sam: Could you, perhaps, use a hammer and nail as a coping mechanism instead? We’ve barely gotten anything done today.

Diane: And whose fault is that?

Sam: Yours! You’ve spent the day pouting about how we have to do this in the first place! drop the long face and get to work!

Diane: We wouldn’t “have” to do this if you hadn’t signed us up for it.

Sam: You agreed to it!

Diane: After you already signed us up!

Sam: Tomato, tomahto.

Diane: Just hand me that saw.

Sam: Only if you promise not to kill me with it.

Diane: Uh…

Sam: Uh?

Diane: I’m thinking! I don’t know if that’s a promise I can keep!

Sam: You wouldn’t know what to do without me.

Diane: I’d be in Mystic without you! Having fun, eating pizza, meeting whales, with people who are sane. And Garry.

Sam: You can still go. I’ll make sure to tell the unsheltered folks that you turned your backs on them.

Diane: Why are you guilt-tripping me?

Sam: I just thought it would be a nice thing for us to do, just you and I. We don’t get to do things just the two of us anymore, I’ve told you how I feel about that.

Diane: We could have gone to the spa together, or out to lunch. We didn’t have to build a house from scratch.

Sam: Go big or go home.

Diane: We could also go home and relax! That’d be nice.

Sam: This isn’t like you, you’re never this negative.

Diane: Sam, a wooden beam nearly hit me in the head.

Sam: That was an hour ago!

Diane: Apologies for not moving on from nearly being the opening to an episode of Six Feet Under within an hour’s time.

Sam: We don't have to continue, I can let them know this was too much for us.

Diane: No, we’ll go on. It’s for a good cause, and we’ve already made decent progress.

Sam: Have we?

Diane: Decent considering we’ve got no experience, yeah.

Sam: Okay, then we’ll continue. But remember, this is your choice!

Diane: I will remember.

Sam: Not my fault if you get hit by a beam!

One hour later…

Diane: This is hell!

Sam: Hell is nicer.

Diane: Jimmy Carter makes this look so easy!

Sam: That old bastard…

Diane: Sam, how are we going to ever build an entire house by ourselves? Look at this place! It’s a mess. It looks like a couple 

Sam: I think we ought to call it quits for today, get a lot of rest tonight and tackle it tomorrow.

Diane: You really think that will make a difference?

Sam: I don’t know if we’ll get it done, but we’re really burned out and we aren’t going to make any more progress today.

Diane: Can I tell you something, Sam?

Sam: Sure. But let’s walk and talk on the way to the car. I need AC, and god knows there ain’t any in this “house.”

Diane: When I was suffering from the cancer, I didn’t know if I was going to live. I challenged myself to, if I lived, try new life experiences. Thanks to you, that’s certainly happening right now. So, in a strange way, I’m glad you signed us up for this.

Sam: Oh, god. You’re gonna make me cry.

Diane: Let me get a picture, the gang’ll never believe me!

Three hours later, in the lobby of the Riviera Inn…

Frances: Wow! You guys look like you’ve been through the ringer.

Leslie: Diane, we’ve seen you look quite disheveled, but never more than right now.

Diane: Thanks, guys, you’re really making me feel better. I had too easy of a day today.

Leslie: What happened?

Diane: What happened in Mystic? Let’s talk about that instead.

Charlotte: The pizza wasn't that good. Julia Roberts and Annabeth Gish and Lili Taylor lied to us.

Leslie: That reminds me, Lili Taylor’s guest judging for pie week next week. The contestants are all going to make pizzas and sing That’s Amore. We tried to get Julia, but she was busy.

Charlotte: Don’t joke, I feel betrayed.

Sam: The British are so weird.

Diane: Speaking of which, Liz Truss!

Sam: Oh, not again…

Diane: What? She’s from there! I keep up with international affairs

Charlotte: Don’t say that name.

Diane: We’d better get to bed, anyway.

Garry: It’s seven o’clock. Who goes to bed at seven o’clock?

Melanie: You always struck me as someone that went to bed at seven, Garry. I know we often hang out later than that, but you just have that vibe.

Garry: I’m not sure how that’s supposed to make me feel.

Leslie: How bad was your day if you’re going to bed at seven?

Diane: It was the most exhausting day of my entire life, including the birth of my two children, the day my husband drove off a bridge, and my chemo treatments.

Sam: She almost died.

Garry: My god! How?

Diane: Wood beam, within inches of my head. My guardian angel saved me today.

Sam: Guardian angel, the wind, same thing.

Diane: It was divine intervention!

Sam: I went to that Bette Midler tour!

Leslie: Ae you still going to keep volunteering?

Diane: Until that house is built, yeah. We have to do something for the greater good.

Charlotte: Good on you! If only more people had that thought process.

Melanie: What you’re doing is great, girls. This is something that’ll change someone’s life forever, I’m really proud of you.

Diane: We’re not in it for the pride, but thank you.

Sam: The pride is a nice bonus, though.

Leslie: Just let us know if you need any help.

Frances: Excuse me?

Leslie: We haven’t really got anything going on tomorrow, just ask if you need some more hands on deck.

Sam: No, don’t worry. We’re just about done.

Garry: Just about done? Already?

Sam: Yes, Garry. We have talent.

Leslie: All right, then. We’ll find something else to do tomorrow.

Diane: It was so sweet of you to offer, though. Thank you.

Leslie: Any time. That’s what friends are for.

Sam: All right, Dionne Warwick. Time for us to head up to bed.

The next day, at the construction site…

Diane: Sam, where is the hammer?

Sam: If you find it, can you hand it to me? I want to bash my own skull in.

Diane: Get me first. 

Sam: This is the worst idea I’ve ever had. And I was once knee deep in a pyramid scheme.

Diane: I remember. You tried to sell the product to me.

Sam: I only tried to sell it because I thought it worked at the time.

Diane: It was sponsored by the Church of Scientology!

Sam: They have some interesting ideas! I love their thoughts on aliens.

Leslie: Hey!

Diane: Do you hear voices? Or am I dying?

Sam: I don’t know. Try and run into the light.

Diane: You want me to go?

Sam: I want you at peace!

Frances: My god, are they hallucinating?

Garry: They certainly were when they said they were almost done with construction…

Charlotte: Nah, they’re just liars.

Diane: What are you guys doing here?

Leslie: I could tell last night you needed help. I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

Diane: There aren’t words to express how much we appreciate it.

Sam: Did you need to bring Paul, though?

Paul: You’re welcome, by the way! I’m using my day off for this, because I see you as friends.

Diane: I suppose he figured there were no union workers, so it’d be safe to come?

Paul: Diane, I’m not a union-hater! I vote Democrat! Usually.

Leslie: So, I’m afraid to ask, but where is the construction crew?

Diane: Sam told the charity that we were so experienced, we didn’t need a crew.

Frances: What an idiot!

Melanie: My dad was a construction worker, I got this.

Diane: Okay, Melanie’s our project manager.

Sam: How did you get off today, Mel? You were supposed to be working right now.

Melanie: I said I had a family emergency. Leslie offered to pay my salary if I’d come help. She didn’t have to do that, I’d have come anyway, but I appreciate it.

Diane: So, Melanie. You’ve got a lot of experience here. Would you say we’ve done a good job here?

Melanie: It’s the thought that counts.

Sam: I can’t believe Paul wore a suit to build a house. What a nerd.

Paul: I was brought into this plan at the last minute, I didn’t have time to change!

Sam: You wear a suit on your day off?

Paul: I’m a business professional!

Garry: I have a question before we start.

Sam: No.

Diane: Go ahead, Garry.

Garry: Can we listen to Working for the Weekend? It puts me in the mood to get stuff done.

Sam: Ugh…

Charlotte: Even I’m speechless.

Diane: I think we’re going to get this done in record time.

Sam: Record for the longest Homes for Humankind build ever? I agree.

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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