On the set of Bake Your Heart Out…
Sam: It’s the semi-final, and you are truly all so terrific.
Diane: In fact, this is the first time in the history of our show that we have only three bakers in the semi-final.
Sam: One of you went above and beyond this week, with three vegan-friendly desserts that combined artistic merit with the impeccable flavors we’ve come to expect from you. The Top Baker this week is… Madison!
Diane: Madison, your bakes this week were truly the model of success.
Madison: Thank you guys, I’m so glad to get to do this every week with the absolute best of the best and for the absolute best of the best. Being in the final is my greatest dream come true.
Sam: This week, if you’re not the top baker, it means you’re in the bottom two.
Diane: Trevor, your vegan chocolate chip cookies were good, but a bit basic, and not nearly as intricate as we come to expect in a semi-final.
Sam: Patrice, the vegan dessert challenge clearly got the best of you, as none of your bakes quite came together perfectly. It’s understandable, though, as you are from Wisconsin, where veganism is basically illegal and dairy is your religion.
Diane: One of you has to leave us tonight, just before the finale, and that is heartbreaking. We’re going to have to say goodbye to…
Sam: Neither of you! Diane is a liar!
Diane: The judges all agreed that while neither of you had your best night tonight, you are all fully deserving of being in the final.
Sam: We’ll see you all, and hopefully all of you viewers, for the grand finale next week!
Leslie: CUT! Perfect, let’s head on home.
Sam: We are so good at our job.
Frances: Reading words off of a teleprompter, wow you guys work like dogs.
Sam: You eat cookies for a living.
Charlotte: Not true! She also writes about baking those cookies! Suspiciously, we never see her actually baking them.
Frances: Stop ganging up on me!
Diane: And stop mentioning books around me.
Sam: Yeah, guys! She never learned how to read, this is very triggering for her.
Diane: It’s not funny!
Garry: Wait, is she actually saying she’s illiterate?
Diane: No! I’m saying I’m very stressed about finishing my book. I don’t know how to end it or if I’ve even written enough. I feel tapped out, but I still think there may be more to write.
Sam: You’ve certainly talked on the phone with Nicolle enough about it to be done by now.
Diane: Writing takes time. You can’t just slap a book together in a few weeks.
Sam: It’s been three months.
Diane: Really?
Sam: Oh, she’s lost track of time, this is bad.
Diane: I haven’t lost track of time.
Frances: Will you be dedicating the book to Olivia Rodrigo?
Diane: No, but I did write a chapter about her. It ties into a discussion of my cheating, dead, son-of-a-bitch husband.
Frances: Oh. Sounds like a nice book.
Diane: I promise, it’s not as hostile as I make it sound. Even though Im glad he’s dead.
Charlotte: Diane!
Diane: He got what he deserved.
Leslie: I’m not used to hearing you talk like this!
Sam: You should’ve been around back when he first died. She went from devastation to pure anger in the span of two days.
Garry: Devastation? I thought she was glad he’s dead.
Leslie: Took them two days to tell me they found the mistress’ body in the car with him.
Charlotte: Is that how you found out he was cheating? After he died?
Diane: Yes, Charlotte. And you can read all about it in Laugh Your Heart Out: My Mishaps in Comedy.
Sam: Please tell me that’s a working title.
Diane: It wasn’t planned that way.
Sam: Thank god there’s still time to change it. ‘Cause yikes.
Diane: Can we go home now?
Sam: It feels weird to go home on the second filming day of the week without having crushed anyone’s dreams.
Charlotte: We’ll try harder to let you do that in the future.
That night, at dinner…
Paul: Thank you guys for inviting me to come with you tonight! I think this is a real -
Diane: Shh…
Leslie: Well, Paul, we did bump into you outside. It would’ve felt rude to not invite you to sit with us.
Frances: Rude, or logical? Diane looks like she’s about to rip his head off.
Diane: I’m a pacifist, I would never. Now Sam, she might.
Sam: He’s not worth risking arrest over.
Melanie: So, other than having to eat dinner with Paul, how was everyone’s day?
Paul: I’m right here!
Melanie: I didn’t say anything that they’ve not already said in a far meaner way.
Frances: Diane’s stressing big-time about her book.
Melanie: What are you stressing for?
Paul: You’re writing a book?
Diane: Yes, it’s called “Don’t Be a Union-Buster and Expect to Still Have Friends: The Paul McVann Story.”
Paul: What am I going to have to do to stop hearing about that? Become President of the AFL-CIO?
Diane: They wouldn’t let you within a city block of the place.
Melanie: Diane, ignore him. What are you stressed about?
Frances: Besides Paul.
Paul: I’ve do-
Charlotte: Waitress! Uh, table for one?
Paul: Don’t kick me out, please!
Frances: Paul wants to stay seated at a table of people who hate him? What a masochist.
Diane: I’m stressed about finishing the damn thing. I’ve written a lot, more than I could have ever imagined writing about myself, but I still feel like I haven’t quite found the perfect ending for it yet.
Garry: It’s hard to write a book about your career and give it a fitting ending when your career is still clearly at its peak.
Sam: How would you know?
Garry: Because I’ve written a book. We’ve talked about this.
Sam: What did that sell, six copies? All at the dollar store?
Garry: I was almost on The New York Times’ Best Seller List!
Sam: Well, la di frickin’ da.
Melanie: Diane, I have off tomorrow. We should do a fun day of relaxation. Having a day to yourself can really be a breeding ground for creativity. you can’t just obsess over writing.
Frances: You know what Jack Nicholson said in The Shining… all work and no play makes Diane a real pain in the ass to hang out with.
Sam: I don’t know. I can’t just take a whole day away.
Leslie: Away from what? Seeing Rhode Island? It’s small, we’ve seen it all. Hang out with Melanie.
Melanie: We can go to the spa! Just you and I, a fun girls’ day slash bonding experience.
Diane: That would be nice, and since I don’t have any other plans, I have no excuse not to go.
Melanie: I’m so glad you want to go. We’re gonna have fun and get your mind off everything.
Sam: You know, I like a good trip to the spa. Could I join you?
Diane: I think Melanie wanted it to just be the two of us. We’ll do something on Friday, okay?
Sam: It was worth a shot, I guess.
Frances: Don’t worry, Diane. We’ll entertain her for the day.
Garry: Lord knows what mischief she’d get herself into if we left her alone.
Diane: Why are you talking about me like I’m a Gremlin?
Charlotte: You’re worse than a Gremlin. They can at least be cute.
Diane: You guys have fun.
Leslie: We will! You have fun, too. It won’t be as fun, relaxing or peaceful as when we built that house together last week, but nothing compares to that.
Sam: That was beautiful, Sinead O’Connor.
Diane: You know, Olivia R-
Sam: No. you mentioned her once today, that’s enough.
Frances: I’ll tell ya, getting my damn shrimp scampi would compare with that. Where the hell’s the food?
Sam: They won’t serve us with Paul at the table. They have a strict “no pets” rule.
Paul: Luckily for you, they’re finding another table for me. You’ll get your food soon enough.
Charlotte: Wait, she’s really getting you that table? I was only kidding…
Frances: Take the win.
The next day, Diane is on the phone with Nicolle.
Nicolle: What are you worried about today, dear?
Diane: I don’t know how to end the book! What is an apt way to end this?
Nicolle: Diane, this is the third time you have called me with this question. You have to give it time and an ending will come to you on its own. You can’t force it.
Diane: Writer’s block is terrible.
Nicolle: I agree. It’s not fun. It does go away eventually, though.
Sam: Diane! What are you doing?
Nicolle: Is that Sam?
Diane: Yes, it is.
Sam: Are you bugging my wife again?
Diane: I’m requesting assistance.
Sam: You’re bugging her, in a way that’s unhealthy for both of you.
Diane: Unhealthy?
Sam: You’re supposed to be focused on relaxing. Not crying over your book.
Nicolle: Hi, honey!
Diane: Nicolle says hi.
Sam: Hi, Nicolle!
Diane: Sam says hi.
Sam: Melanie’s here for you. Leave your phone here, you’re not calling Nicolle, you’re not calling any of us. You’re focusing on relaxing. High-strung Diane is a nightmare to live with and an even bigger nightmare to vacation with.
Diane: What if there’s an emergency?
Sam: Mel has a phone.
Diane: And if I want to take a picture?
Sam: She’ll text it to you.
Diane: Okay, then, uh, I’ll see you later.
Sam: You better appreciate this. I really want to go to the spa, but I’m letting you have a relaxing day to bond with Melanie instead. I am so selfless.
Nicolle: You still there?
Diane: Oh, right. I gotta go, thanks for the help.
Diane: No problem.
Twenty minutes later…
Melanie: We’re here!
Diane: I feel like I’m in paradise.
Melanie: We’re in a parking lot, Diane.
Diane: It’s such a pretty parking lot.
Melanie: Isn’t this the basis for a Joni Mitchell song?
Diane: Pretty close to it.
Melanie: Should we go in?
Diane: The faster I get this mani-pedi done, the better. My nails are a mess.
Melanie: I have to fix toilets and refrigerators for a living. Mine aren’t works of art, either.
Diane: I don’t know about that. They sorta look like they were painted by Jackson Pollock.
In the spa…
Melanie: What are we supposed to do here? I must confess, I’ve never gone to the spa before.
Diane: Let me handle it.
Melanie: Okay, be my guest.
Diane: Hello there. We need the works. Both of us. Everything you’ve got, we want it.
Mariah (receptionist): Everything?
Diane: Massage, mani-pedi, facial, hot rocks, sauna, everything.
Mariah: All right, we’ll set it up. Also, I have to ask… are you Diane Smith?
Diane: Thank you! And yes, I am!
Mariah: I love you on Bake Your Heart Out.
Diane: It’s always so nice to meet a fan, I really appreciate it.
Melanie: Diane, I can’t afford all of that. I can barely afford the mani-pedi and massage.
Diane: It’s on me.
Melanie: I invited you, you can’t pay my way!
Diane: You heart her, I’m a celebrity. I should use that for good, starting with giving back to my friend! You’re helping me out of a funk, and that’s payment enough.
Melanie: That’s too kind of you.
Diane: It’s the least I could do, you sit back every day and listen to the five biggest complainers in the world, and Charlotte, tell you all their problems.
Melanie: It’s no problem, really. You all make me feel better about my own life. You’re a weird sort of therapy for me.
Diane: Yeah, we are pretty weird.
Melanie: Not what I meant by that, but you’re not wrong.
Thirty minutes later…
Diane: So, Melanie. We’re sitting here in a sauna with nothing else to do, so I’ll ask… anything fun going on lately?
Melanie: I started the new season of Stranger Things.
Diane: Didn’t that come out like three months ago? That’s when Leslie and Sam were talking about it, at least.
Melanie: Yeah, but I like to save it for around Halloween. It’s the perfect creepy show for now.
Diane: Ah, I see. I can’t watch horror, I get nightmares.
Melanie: You get nightmares? That’s so out of character for you.
Diane: I know, it’s really shocking.
Melanie: I mostly know the answer already, but are you doing anything fun lately?
Diane: I bought a plane ticket to see my granddaughter. Again, very afraid of flying out for that, but it’ll be nice.
Melanie: That’s great! When are you going?
Diane: A few days after we finish the finale. I’m supposed to do a book launch sometime soon once I finish the book, but I -
Melanie: No talking about the book! Stress-free day!
Diane: Oh, right. You asked!
Melanie: I said fun things, not book things.
Diane: You’re right.
Melanie: Maybe we should close our eyes and relax in here in silence for a bit.
Diane: Aren’t you afraid we’ll fall asleep? I don’t want to roast like a lobster.
Melanie: We’ll take turns sleeping.
Diane: I think we should move on to something else.
Melanie: I think that’s for the best. Mani-pedis?
Diane: Sounds good to me.
Ten minutes later…
Diane: Melanie, help me.
Melanie: What’s wrong?
Diane: I can’t decide on a color for my nails. They sanded these claws down and now I need a nice, new color.
Melanie: Oh, thank god. I thought something was wrong. You know, a friend of mine once had a bad allergic reaction when she went to a spa. Not this spa, of course.
Diane: Aren’t we supposed to be relaxing, not talking about anaphylactic shock?
Melanie: Oh, right. Sorry! No more talking about anything stressful, I promise.
Diane: So, what color for my nails?
Melanie: Yellow?
Diane: You think so?
Melanie: Well, you’re filming the finale next week, right? Yellow is similar to gold. It’s fitting for when someone’s going to win the show.
Diane: I suppose you’re right. Yellow it is.
Melanie: Isn’t this such fun?
Diane: It’s more fun than almost getting arrested for trespassing in the backyard of someone’s mansion.
Melanie: That’s happened to you guys?
Diane: Three times. Frances likes to wander.
Melanie: That’s concerning.
Diane: Imagine being the one responsible for her.
Thirty minutes later…
Diane: Melanie, did you see that hunk masseuse?
Melanie: I didn’t notice anyone. I was sort of looking at my phone when we walked in here.
Diane: I wish I had my phone.
Melanie: No you don’t. Mine just stresses me out. My grandmother’s driving me crazy.
Diane: What good is family if they don’t drive us a little nuts?
Melanie: How long do they have to leave these hot rocks on our backs? My boobs are exposed and it makes me uncomfortable.
Diane: You’re laying on the table, no one can see them.
Melanie: I know they’re out.
Diane: This feels like something I’d be worried about, not you. Must be Freaky Friday.
Melanie: That, or you don’t mind hanging out because you’ve got the hots for the masseuse.
Diane: That’s not…
Melanie: It’s okay. Sam and Garry are the only ones in the group who are in relationships, the rest of us are all extremely sexual frustrated.
Diane: We have the most interesting conversations when we’re left alone. Imagine having this type of conversation with Garry around.
Melanie: Read any interesting books lately?
Diane: That’s a big change in subject.
Melanie: I really don’t want to be talking about sex when the masseuse gets back in.
Diane: That’s fair. And to answer your question, why would you ask me about books?
Melanie: Oh, god! I didn’t mean to!
Diane: It’s okay. I was thinking about it anyway.
Melanie: Why were you thinking about it?
Diane: Because a few hours at the spa is nice, but it’s not magic. It’s such a huge weight on my shoulders, and I’d really like it to just be gone. I’m racking my brain thinking of ways to make it be gone.
Melanie: Oh, Diane.
Diane: Why does everyone always say that?
Melanie: You need to just stop worrying about it. A good ending will come to you soon. Now, let’s focus on the good things in life. For example, being like eighty percent naked with hot rocks laying on our backs. This is the good life!
Diane: When you put it that way, this does not sound like a great way to spend the day.
Melanie: But it is! It’s fun!
Diane: At least we’re doing it together.
Melanie: What is that awful smell?
Diane: It wasn’t me! I haven’t eaten today!
Melanie: I didn’t mean to imply anything, I didn’t think it was you. It’s really more of a burning smell.
Diane: That’s probably just the rocks.
Melanie: I don’t think so? It sure doesn’t smell like rocks.
Diane: What do rocks smell like?
Melanie: Dirt? I don’t know.
Mariah: Ladies, we need to evacuate the spa immediately. There has been an incident.
Diane: Could you, uh, help us with these rocks on our backs?
Melanie: And what kind of incident?
Mariah: There’s been a fire, and I would be happy to help you with the rocks.
Diane: A fire?
Mariah: Everything will be okay.
Diane: Where are my clothes?
Mariah: I’m not sure, take these robes.
Melanie: Are they going to cover everything? I mean, they’re pretty thin.
Mariah: We have to get out now, there’s no time to look for clothes.
Melanie: I see my bra on the chair, can I grab that?
Mariah: Go ahead.
Outside the spa…
Melanie: You’re right, Diane. This is paradise.
Diane: And you’re right, too. This was so relaxing.
Melanie: Are we cursed?
Diane: I think I speared my painted toenails while running out. So, yes. We’re cursed.
Melanie: I’m sorry this went so badly. Maybe we should’ve just gone to the beach.
Diane: No, it’s fine. That shirt of mine that’s burning up in the fire was old anyway. Plus, I think this gave me an idea for how to end the book.
Melanie: Really?
Diane: I don’t want to jinx it, but it’s got my mind racing.
Melanie: Do you want to go home and write it?
Diane: We’re in robes with nothing but bras and panties on. I think going home is the smart move here.
Melanie: Okay, then home we go.
Diane: I can let you change into something of mine and we can go out for a meal, though. It’s the least I could do to repay you for giving me the book inspiration.
At the hotel…
Sam: Geez! You two are a sight for sore eyes!
Diane: What are you guys doing at the pool?
Garry: We got home early.
Charlotte: Frances got us kicked out of the mansion.
Frances: I am innocent.
Charlotte: She is not.
Leslie: Why are you guys in robes? Did you run out in the middle of your spa treatment?
Melanie: You could say that.
Leslie: Was it that bad? Did Diane freak out after finally being touched by another human for the first time in years?
Charlotte: Wow, that sounded like something Smh would say.
Diane: There was a fire, and for the record, I loved every second of human contact I received today. Aside from when the lady accidentally tickled my toes during my mani-pedi.
Sam: Be honest, you enjoyed it.
Leslie: What’s with the floral robes, though? You look like characters from The White Lotus.
Melanie: We had no time to grab out clothes, apparently. We got our bras, though.
Sam: Hooray.
Diane: On the plus side, it gave me inspiration for my book. I know how to end it now.
Leslie: How are you going to end it?
Garry: You’re going to have to red it to find out.
Diane: Exactly, Garry. If you thought I’d tell you how it ends now, well that’s just silly!
Sam: She’ll tell me. I deserve to know.
Garry: Can we get ready to go to dinner now?
Sam: Do they look like they’re ready for dinner, Garry?
Garry: We’re not either, but we have time to freshen up.
Sam: Melanie doesn’t have anything to wear, unless she’s going in a kimono.
Diane: I’ll let her borrow something.
Sam: Okay, then where you wanna go?
Diane: Somewhere relaxing.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!
