DARNELL takes a deep breath.
DARNELL
So we’re here.
TOMMY
At a podcast studio, I know.
DARNELL
Not just any podcast studio, the one The Always Right Show show tapes at.
TOMMY
I know, I booked that for you.
DARNELL
Do you think he’s ready?
CASEY
Huh?
DARNELL
Do you think the dude’s ready for me? He probably hasn’t had a guest on as rich or successful as me before. I just hope he doesn’t give me special treatment because of it.
CASEY
Oh boy. Anyways it’s about time you meet up with him.
DARNELL
Good idea.
DARNELL walks away and into the studio. He meets the host, a man named CRAIG.
CRAIG
Like my studio?
DARNELL
Uh…yeah…
CRAIG
To think I used to do this show from my house.
DARNELL
Oh really? Why did you decide t—
CRAIG
And we’re live, welcome everybody to The Always Right Show, I’m your host Craig, and I am always right. I have a special guest today, I will be interviewing the Republican candidate for House in a very key race right here in Ohio, the former CEO of Quizzical Quiz, Darnell. So Darnell, you’re a Republican.
DARNELL
Yes.
CRAIG
So I won’t be spending this interview making fun of you and your lousy policies.
DARNELL
Nope, no lousy policies from me, all good ones.
CRAIG
Like what?
DARNELL
Hmm?
CRAIG
What are you campaigning on, what’s your agenda?
DARNELL
Uh…I am campaigning to advance the Republican agenda and together we can make Ohio a Republican state.
CRAIG
But is that responsible to say when you’re running a local race, not a statewide race?
DARNELL
Ultimately I’m the Republican and my opponent wants radical socialism.
CRAIG
You’re from New York.
DARNELL
Yes.
CRAIG
Liberal haven, I assume you wanted to get out of there with their failed radical left agenda.
DARNELL
Yes, we need less radicalness and more moderateness.
CRAIG chuckles.
DARNELL
What?
CRAIG
Oh I’m just laughing about the joke you made that we need to be more moderate.
DARNELL fakes a chuckle
CRAIG
This seems like a good transition into my favorite segment that I do with all Republican candidates that I interview: RINO Detector. Even did it with a Democrat once, didn’t work as well.
DARNELL
I am not a RINO.
CRAIG
Let’s see if your answers align with that statement. I have two simple questions for you, and at the end, I will officially certify if you are a RINO or not. You ready? Good. First question: who got your vote for President in 2012?
DARNELL
Well Craig, as you know I am a proud Republican. When voters go to the ballot box on November…in November, they’ll see that I am the Republican nominee and I am the one best fit for the job. I don’t see how 2012 factors into that.
CRAIG
Who’d you vote for.
DARNELL
I have to be honest, I didn’t vote Republican that year. I voted for President Fixeworm, like most other Americans.
CRAIG
Alright, so far you are NOT a RINO.
DARNELL
I’m not?
CRAIG
No, the Republican was a major RINO that year, everybody knows that. Next question, and I realize you are from New York City: do you disavow New York City and its woke radical socialist liberal mob agenda?
DARNELL
When I am elected there will be no wokened radicalized…everything you just said, there will be none of it.
CRAIG
But are you willing to call out Democrat-run cities like New York City for their failed policies?
DARNELL
Look, I built my success in New York City, and now I’m in Ohio running a campaign for Congress to fight for Ohio. Without my staff I don’t think Quizzical Quiz could’ve possibly grown my fortunes to where they are today. I wouldn’t have enough money to throw around in this thing.
CRAIG
So you like New York City?
DARNELL
I mean, it’s not the WORST place in the world by any means.
CRAIG
RINO. And that concludes this segment, thank you Darnell for stopping by, now people know to stay home and not vote for you this election.
DARNELL looks at CRAIG with disgust and leaves. He meets TOMMY and CASEY outside the studio.
DARNELL
He called me a RINO. I’m over. This is terrible!!!
TOMMY
Oof. Yeah you’re gonna lose. Badly.
CASEY
Maybe not. You see, this podcast doesn’t go live until when, the beginning of next week? And word on the street is former President Fixeworm is going to announce his endorsements soon. Please tell me you didn’t say anything bad about him.
DARNELL
I actually said I voted for him.
CASEY
Phew. Well, maybe you have a chance after all.