Frances in the Kitchen Season 3 Episode 9 - Fifty in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 3 Episode 9
Fifty in the Kitchen

Frances walks into the Snacka Barbara Diner and takes a seat.

Louise: You’re late, Frances.

Jimmy: We have to really hurry here, Greg will be home very shortly and it’ll be suspicious if none of us are home yet. Usually all three of us get home before him, only you get in after, Frances.

Frances: Look, I got here as quick as I could. I didn’t even let Beverly do any re-shoots today, just so I could get out of work early.

Jimmy: There’s no use getting huffy over this and wasting our time. We have a surprise birthday party to plan.

Lauren: So uncle Greg is fifty! I can’t believe it!

Frances: I know, he has such a young face. He looks just like he did when we were married all those years ago.

Louise: Why did you look at me when you talked about his “young face”?

Frances: You are so insecure, I meant nothing by it. I have to point my face somewhere!

Jimmy: Anywho, the party! What are we doing for it?

Louise: Why isn’t Marcia here planning for it? We’re in-laws, she’s his sister. This she be her bash to plan!

Frances: That actually is a good point. Sometimes I forget they’re related and that she isn’t just my best friend slash sidekick.

Louise: She’s not being a very good sister if she doesn’t have any regard for how the part comes together.

Lauren: Aunt Frances was the one who decided to do the party, she’d have been here to help with it if she were asked.

Frances: Correct. I probably should have told her.

Jimmy: Can we please stop arguing semantics of who should and shouldn’t be here and use our time wisely? I want to help plan the best party we can for Greg and we won’t do that by bickering.

Lauren: Dad, your dedication to planning the party in the face of nonsense is very admirable.

Jimmy: Someone has to care about it, otherwise we’ll be taking him out for McDonald’s for his fiftieth.

Frances: He’s more of a Dairy Queen guy.

Jimmy: Then we’d better make sure to order him a birthday cake Blizzard for his big day.

Frances: You joke, but he’d like that!

Jimmy: What else would he like? Think ab-

Louise: Is that waitress ever going to bring us our food?

Frances: Why did you order food? We’re having dinner in a few hours.

Louise: We’re sitting at a restaurant, Frances. You know how rude it would be not order food when we’re using their booth for our meeting?

Jimmy: Oh my god! Who cares? Get on topic or go to another booth.

Frances: What do you guys think, should we rent a venue for it or just have it at our place?

Lauren: He might get suspicious if we take him to a secondary location.

Louise: Secondary location? You’re talking about taking Greg to his birthday party as if he’s or kidnapping victim.

Frances: I see your point, Lauren. But then I’m going to need all of you to help me by getting him out of the house for a few hours so I can set everything up.

Louise: How do you suppose we’ll do that?

Frances: Take him to the farmers’ market or something. He loves going there. I’ll fake a headache and say I don’t feel like going.

Louise: Faking a headache? Isn’t that more Greg’s thing?

Frances: Greg doesn’t fake illnesses. What are you talking about?

Louise: You know, in the bedroom…

Frances: You’re sick.

Jimmy: Thats not news.

Frances: What do we think about food for the party? Catering?

Louise: And you call yourself a cook?

Frances: I can make the cake. That’s no problem.

Louise: I’m only giving you a hard time. Do not worry about baking cake.

Jimmy: So, catering it is?

Frances: That seems the most feasible to me. I can handle the decorating, I’ll go to the party store and buy everything tomorrow.

Lauren: How are you going to do all of the decorating yourself in a few hours?

Frances: I’m not. Thankfully, I have three minions.

Louise: You mean like those little yellow ear plug things who work for the Hungarian guy in Despicable Me?

Frances: I mean like Beverly, Marcia and Jane. They’re going to help me get this all together, whether they like it or not.

Louise: Sounds good to me.

Lauren: Of course it does, you barely have to do anything.

Louise: I have to spend hours on my Saturday off ay the farmers’ market with Greg! I can’t think of anything worse!

Lauren: You don’t mean it.

Louise: How does it take anyone that long to pick out a watermelon? He has issues!

Fifteen minutes later…

Jimmy: So, we’ve settled on the catering, the venue, the guest list -

Louise: I still think we should try inviting Governor Schwarzenegger, what’s the worst that he can say?

Jimmy: Are we getting a DJ for the party?

Frances: I don’t know if this is a DJ-sized party, Jim. There'll be what, ten people?

Jimmy: We have fifteen people in the invitation list, plus Greg.

Frances: You know how parties go, some people won’t come.

Lauren: I can handle the music, it’s no worry.

Louise: Are we going to have to listen to Carly Simon?

Lauren: It’s uncle Greg’s birthday, I’ll play what he likes.

Louise: Dammit.

Jimmy: So, no DJ. What else is there to cover?

Frances: Gifts?

Jimmy: I thought we’d just get him gift cards.

Frances: What a boring gift.

Louise: We have a week to think about presents yet, I’ll find him something nice at the shops. Let’s get home before he does.

Frances: Sounds good to me, but, aren’t you going to finish your food?

Louise: You can have it, you have an hour or so to kill anyway. We don’t want you getting home early and looking suspicious, do we?

Frances: Wow, half a turkey club, eight fries and a saucer of coleslaw. How’d I luck out like this and do I have to pay for it?

Louise: Well, you are the millionaire…

Jimmy: You do not have to pay for it. We’d just be glad for someone to eat it, since it’s not like we can take it home.

Frances: That would sort of tip him off, I suppose.

The next week…

Greg: Honey, are you okay? You always want to go to the farmers’ market with me.

Frances: I’m sorry, Greg. I know it’s your birthday and I want to spend the day with you, but I have the worst migraine. I’ll rest for a few hours and maybe it’ll get better. Oh, and could you bring me an ice pack and some ibuprofen before you go?

Greg: Yes, of course.

Jimmy: No, you aren’t doing that on your birthday. I’ll get it.

Greg: I’m fully capable, but I do appreciate it.

Jimmy: No problem, always happy to help.

Louise: We should head down to the car a while, then. See you later, Frances.

Frances: Bye…

Greg: Feel better, love.

Frances: You have a nice day, Greg. Happy birthday.

Greg, Louise and Lauren walk outside.

Jimmy: Laying it on a bit thick, don’t you think?

Frances: I have to make sure he believes me!

Jimmy: He’s not a suspicious person, he tends to take you at face value.

Frances: That’s my gullible guy!

Jimmy: Before I go, you’re absolutely certain you can get everything ready by the time we return?

Frances: Yes, Jimmy. The girls are on their way and will be here soon. I have no worries, just go and distract him.

Jimmy: Okay, good luck. I’ll call you when we’re on our way home. I’m going to pretend to be ordering pizza for delivery, just so you’re aware.

Frances: You always make everything such a production.

Jimmy: I know, ain’t it great?

Twenty minutes later…

Jane: Whose birthday is it again?

Marcia: How many times do we have to tell her?

Jane: Just one more time!

Marcia: Greg’s!

Jane: Oh, right!

Beverly: Okay, you got me. She’s dumb.

Frances: Thank you all for coming here early to help, I’d never be able to do this without you.

Beverly: It’s no problem! Thanks for letting me bring Earl!

Earl: I can help you girls if you need it!

Frances: The more the merrier, Earl.

Earl: Beverly never lets me help around the house, so it’ll be nice to feel of some use here.

Beverly: That’s not true and you know it!

Marcia: Frances, I have never seen more hanging swirly decorations in my entire life. What are you doing to do, put one on every square foot of your ceiling?

Frances: I want it spread plentifully. The decorations should be in view wherever you are in the house.

Marcia: Well, I don't imagine there being any problem with that. There’s about a hundred here.

Jane: How do you hang this banner?

Beverly: You tie it around the curtain rod.

Jane: How am I supposed to tie it? I can’t reach up there!

Marcia: Oh no, no one’s ever explained step ladders to her before.

The front door swings open.

Marcia: Oh, god. Is that them? They were quick, we didn’t even start!

Jane: Surprise!

DeAnna: The hell are you yelling that for?

Jane: Intruder!

Beverly: DeAnna, what brings you to Santa Barbara?

Marcia: Frances, what is DeAnna doing here? And how are you not melting down?

DeAnna: I was invited, dimwit.

Marcia: She’s lying. Tell me she’s lying!

Frances: She is not, she’s here to deliver the food for the party.

Marcia: I need to sit down. Jane, get me a chair.

Beverly: This is the most shocking thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

Earl: What’s going on, why’s everyone so shocked?

Jane: I’m confused, too.

Marcia: When aren’t you?

Frances: Okay, so, funny story. I forgot to arrange catering for the party until about, say -

DeAnna: Three days ago.

Frances: Yes, three days ago. Frantically, I called every catering place I could find in the area. They all said it was too short-notice. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the cooking myself, so I got desperate and asked the only other person I knew capable of making this much food on such short-notice.

DeAnna: And all it cost her was telling me what she’s always known to be true. 

Frances: And three-times the asking rate of any regular caterer.

DeAnna: Why don’t you tell them what you told me a few days ago?

Frances: I don’t care to do so.

DeAnna: Come on, Frances…

Frances: DeAnna Clifton is ten times the baker I could ever wish to be.

Marcia: I’m going to be sick.

Beverly: You really feel safe eating this, Frances?

DeAnna: Oh, Beverly! I’m not going to try to kill her just because she almost killed me. I’m not a vengeful person.

Beverly: That does not track with my previous encounters with you.

DeAnna: The food’s safe to eat, I hope Greg has a nice birthday. I gotta get out of here, I see enough of you at work.

Frances: I hate to say this, but you really got me out of a bind here. Thank you for the help.

DeAnna: It’s the only favor I’ll ever do for you. Bask in it.

Frances: Is this all the food, though? I was expecting more.

DeAnna: I have to get more from my car, Frances. I only have two hands.

Earl: Do you need help?

DeAnna: I would so appreciate that, thank you!

Meanwhile, at the farmers’ market…

Jimmy: We should get this fruit tray, it looks so good.

Louise: That’s a lot of fruit, Jimmy.

Greg: Yeah, you having a party or something?

Jimmy: what? No. No. What? No. No. No. What are you talking about? Party? I don’t party.

Greg: Okay…

Lauren: We should go to the chicken place. We’re always cooking with chicken, and it’s best fresh.

Greg: Yeah, that’d be good. Maybe we could even stop at the wine shop on the way back. It’s my birthday, after all, I could use a good buzz.

Jimmy: Your birthday? What?

Greg: Were you unaware?

Louise: It’s been a long day.

Greg: It’s barely one.

Louise: He’s an earlier riser.

Greg: I suppose if you get up early, you could be wanting a nap around now. Maybe we should give him the keys and let him go back to the car while we shop?

Louise: I think we should let him get the fruit tray, and that could calm him. Would it, Jimmy?

Jimmy: I would like that.

Lauren: Then can we get chicken?

Louise: That, and booze, and anything else on the way.

Back at Frances’ house…

Marcia: Should I start getting the food in the oven? I know they’ll be a while yet, but can’t be too prepared, right?

Jane: Silly Marcia! DeAnna already made the food!

Marcia: Are we supposed to eat it cold, Jane?

Frances: Didn’t she bring the chafing dishes?

Marcia: Yes, but the food’s all refrigerated, don’t you want it heated initially before we rely on hot water to keep it warm?

Frances: I suppose, throw it in the oven. The rest of you, we have to keep on working. Don’t get distracted by what Marcia’s doing?

Marcia: A shiny object distracts Jane.

Jane: What was that? I was distracted by the plane flying by.

Marcia: I said you’re doing great, keep up the good work.

Jane: Thank you!

Frances: Beverly, maybe you should take over the balloon inflation from her. She’s clearly been huffing helium.

Beverly: No, I think she’s just that stupid, dear. No high required.

At the farmers’ market…

Louise: Okay, we’ve been here for almost two hours and we have a forty-minute drive back home. We should get going.

Greg: What if we stop at the bakery and get a cake to celebrate my birthday?

Jimmy: What? No!

Greg: That bad an idea?

Jimmy: I’m just not a big gan of their cakes here.

Greg: What are you talking about? They have the best cakes in southern California here!

Jimmy: Wow, Frances works so hard to bake you the best cakes, including birthday cakes -

Louise: But not this year, because she’s sick.

Jimmy: And you have the nerve to call her baking inferior to some hick at a Ventura farmer’s market? I have to tell her about this enormous disrespect.

Greg: I meant the best that are for sale, obviously I loves Frances’ baking the best.

Jimmy: Good, and don’t you ever forget it.

Fifteen minutes later…

Greg: Jimmy, I have a question for you.

Jimmy: What store do you need to stop at?

Lauren: What more could we possibly need? Nothing else would fit in this car.

Louise: I told you we shouldn't have gotten that fruit tray!

Jimmy: You told me to get it!

Greg: I don’t need to stop anywhere. No, I want to know if there’s some sort of birthday party for me today.

Jimmy: I’m sure we could call some people if that’s what you want.

Greg: I mean a planned one. You’re been acting so strange today.

Lauren: He’s always strange!

Greg: Not this strange. any time I refer to my birthday, he acts like a robot malfunctioning.

Louise: He’s just embarrassed that he forgot it was your birthday, that’s all.

Greg: He remember earlier today, when Frances asked for medicine and he told me that he could get it instead.

Louise: Short-term memory loss.

Greg: When we get home, there’s going to be people waiting for me and a big party, right?

Jimmy: Should we just -

Louise: Yes, Greg. we’ve been trying to keep it a secret, but you caught on because I married an idiot.

Jimmy: Please don’t tell Frances you know. Act surprised when we get home.

Greg: I don’t want her to feel like this was all for nothing, so I won’t say a word about knowing. I’ll put that single acting class I took in the nineties to good use.

Jimmy: We take this to our graves.

Lauren: Speaking of aunt Frances, don’t you have to call her to let her know we’re on our way?

Jimmy: Oh, yeah! Greg, act normal.

Greg: I don’t think she can see me through the phone, but okay.

Jimmy picks up his phone and calls Frances.

Jimmy: Hi, I’d like to order a pepperoni pizza for delivery in one hour. 4918 Carmichael Avenue in Santa Barbara.

Frances: Okay, we’re just about ready. See you soon!

Jimmy: Thank you, much appreciated.

Thirty minutes later…

Beverly: They just pulled in!

Marcia: That was a quick drive from Ventura.

Frances: I think there’s a small chance Jimmy forgot to call me immediately when they left the farmers’ market. Just a hunch. He’s very forgetful.

Marcia: Everyone down, now!

Frances: Lights off. Hush!

The door opens.

Everyone: Surprise!

Greg: My goodness! All I see is “50” balloons and banners everywhere! Are there people in here, too?

Frances: Lots of people, all here for you!

Greg: This is… a lot. Where did you find the time for all this?

Frances: You’d be surprised how much you can get done when you fake a headache to get out of a farmers’ market trip.

Greg: How did you get this done in less than four hours?

Marcia: Your wonderful sister.

Greg: I don’t have one of those.

Frances: Beverly and Jane and Earl all helped as well. 

Greg: Good to see Jane being able to accomplish regular human tasks.

Frances: Even DeAnna came through for us.

Greg: DeAnna?

Marcia: That’s the correct response to that.

Frances: She made all the food, and I only had to take a second mortgage out on the house to pay for it.

Greg: Is it safe to eat?

Beverly: That’s what I said! i think we should at least inform the authorities that DeAnna is responsible if we’re all to fall ill today.

Greg: This is too much, Frances.

Frances: It’s not too much for true love.

Greg: That was so cheesy.

Frances: I know. Let me have my Hallmark moment, though.

Greg: This is less Hallmark and more ABC sitcom. In the best way!

Frances: Are you surprised?

Greg: Look around. Wouldn’t you be?

Frances: Yeah, this is a lot. I don’t think I’ll have the motivation to take it down, so this is probably what our house looks like now.

Greg: At least it’ll be a constant shrine to me. That’s nice. The many reminders that I’m fifty… not so nice.

Frances: Yeah, I know I won’t appreciate it if you do something like this when I turn forty. Thankfully, we still have five or six years until then.

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!

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