Teri: Mom, why are you in running shoes?
Cindy: And why did you steal my EarBuds?
Ralph: And why - I got nothing. I was trying to contribute, and I failed. Sorry.
Betty: I’m getting myself fit as a fiddle for the Fall Run!
Tammi: I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who actually takes it seriously.
Mitchell: Well, why would anyone else take it seriously?
Betty: Anita takes it very seriously.
Mitchell: Again with Anita…
Teri: Okay, you’re just gaslighting her now.
Cindy: Teri, get off Twitter.
Teri: It’s true! Every fall, we bust our asses prepping for that Fall Run. You even see Mitchell sort of move around. Mom’s crazy, but she’s clearly not the only who who cares about defending the title.
Betty: It’s not about defending the title. It’s about winning it on our own after tying with Anita last year. We’re not getting another tie.
Karl: A win’s a win.
Betty: Not when you share it with the enemy.
Karl: Enemy? Betty -
Betty: She is my enemy!
Ralph: It took seventy-some years, but mom finally has a nemesis.
Jerry: I remember when I was her nemesis. Now she loves me.
Betty: Well, you knocked up my daughter when she was -
Tammi: And it resulted in a miracle! Me!
Frank: I thought I was Betty’s nemesis?
Betty: I don’t think. highly enough of you for that.
Frank: You think more highly of Anita?
Betty: I think she’s a more worthy adversary, yes. Very cunning, very smart.
Tammi: She is smarter than you, honey.
Frank: That stings from you.
Tammi: I have to be honest. I have to keep it real.
Three days later, at Betty’s Boutique…
Amelia: Betty! How are you?
Betty: I’m great - getting fit! How are you? What brings you here?
Amelia: I’m good, just picking up those socks you had to special order for me. I assume you’re preparing for the last Fall Run?
Betty: Last?
Amelia: I assumed you heard, I know you like to go to HOA meetings. They don’t have it in the budget to keep doing the Fall Run, so this will be the last one. They wanted to send it off with a bang first this year before it was done.
Betty: Why would they not have the budget? It’s so popular, it has to make them money, not cost them money.
Amelia: I don’t know, it’s what Anita says. And you know her word is gospel.
Betty: Of course this is because of Anita. She’s so petty.
Amelia: What does pettiness have to do with it?
Betty: She’s annoyed that we tied at last year’s run, so she’s’ putting an end to it all. This is par for the course with her.
Amelia: I always forget that you two are sworn enemies.
Betty: I don’t see how, it’s always brought up whenever we see one another.
Amelia: There are so many feuds in this neighborhood, I can’t ever keep track of them all. I should’ve remember yours, though. You two are really out for blood.
Betty: She doesn’t need to bleed. She just needs to be defeated.
Amelia: So anyway, about those socks.
Betty: Oh, right! I’ll get them from the back!
Later that night, during dinner…
Betty: Can you believe Anita’s latest scheme? She’s canceling the Fall Run after this year because she couldn’t handle the fact that I tied her last year. And she hides it by saying there were budget cuts and this cost them too much and didn’t make enough of a profit. What a liar!
Jerry: You tied her?
Betty: We. We tied her. Happy now?
Jerry: Well, it sure is more accurate.
Frank: I’m the one who r-
Teri: Frank, if you don’t wish to get a butcher knife through your hand, I’d recommend you shush up.
Velma: I have a though, just a thought.
Danielle: We’re about to be here all night.
Velma: Basking in my brilliance?
Danielle: Listening to your rambling.
Velma: Ignoring the excessive rudeness,
Danielle: Long day at work, sorry. A woman came into the pharmacy who named her son ESPN. ESPN! Pronounced “Espen.” I almost called Child Protective Services.
Velma: Anyhow, what if you start a campaign to promote the Fall Run and really boost attendance this year? Most of the people who come don’t participate in the competition, anyway, they’re just there for the carnival games and the food.
Danielle: That’s… actually pretty good.
Velma: I know.
Jerry: Betty has friends and the news station, too. Maybe she can get them to run as story about the Fall Run.
Betty: I don’t know how willing they are to do favors for me. They do consider me to be somewhat of a… pain in the ass?
Tammi: Grandma, we both have a lot of Facebook friends, we could use Facebook to promote it, get people to show up.
Jerry: Keep the news idea in mind!
Betty: I don’t know if it would matter to Anita.
Velma: Does it matter if Anita cares? The other HOA ladies will be able to see that turnout is way up. If they have a mind of their own at all, they’ll know it’s worth it.
Betty: That’s exactly the problem, I’m not convinced they do have mind of their own. They’ve all turned into Anita followers with a hive mind.
Tammi: Isn’t it worth an attempt?
Teri: It certainly seems like a better idea to me than sitting around complaining about how Anita stole yet another good thing away from the community.
Karl: I’m no Facebook superstar, but it seems like it can’t hurt. At least you go down fighting.
Tammi: Tell her, grandpa!
Betty: Fine, I’ll try. If nothing else, it gives Anita a headache and that’s a win for me.
Ralph: How do you hate that woman that much?
Betty: She’s the worst person I have ever met. I hate her so much… flames… on the side of my face -
Cindy: Okay, Madeline Kahn, let’s clean up dinner.
Two weeks later…
Jerry: Okay, everyone. Betty, you especially need to listen to me.
Betty: I always listen!
Teri: Mom…
Betty: Fine. I’m listening!
Jerry: I know we’re all concerned about how high the turnout is today, but we can’t worry or think about it. We’ve trained too hard to lose this year, keep your head in the game.
Steven: THat’s what they say on High School Musical: The Mu-
Cindy: Honey, your grandfather’s on a roll right now, don’t cut him or he’ll lose his train of thought.
Steven: Grandma Betty did.
Cindy: She’s a special case. Can’t ever tell her what to do.
Jerry: This may well be our last chance to win, we have to go out with a bang. Karl, I trust you’ve been studying up on your trivia?
Karl: I’ve spent weeks scouring Wikipedia.
Jerry: Ladies, our obstacle course team may not be as strong this year -
Mitchell: Hey!
Jerry: We may need the three of you to come in clutch with the lawn bowling.
Danielle: That’s our specialty, no need to worry.
Frank: Didn’t you all barely beat Anita in your bowling league last year?
Velma: That was rigged. Stop the steal!
Jerry: Teri, how’s your throwing arm?
Teri: I’ve been strengthening it. It’s getting better.
Cindy: That scares me Maybe let Velma take the lead there?
Jerry: Honey, your sister says she’s good. We have to trust her.
Cindy: Since when?
Jerry: Since she’s already signed up to do the trivia dunk tank and we have no choice but to let her do it.
Betty: Jerry, I know you’re trying to do a rundown of everyone, but we’re good. Except for Frank.
Frank: I’ve saved this family’s ass year after year in this, I’m the MVP.
Betty: Ew.
Frank: Can’t handle the truth?
Betty: We have to get to the Fall Run before it starts, and at the pace you’re moving -
Jerry: Point taken. Let’s get out of here!
Velma: Do we need to bring water?
Mitchell: Aren’t the beverages the main profit driver of the Fall Run? I don’t even know if you can bring your own drinks in.
Danielle: I’m bringing my Yeti, they can’t make me throw that away.
Teri: Yeti? That your new boyfriend? I know it’s been a while, but you don’t have to settle for dating Himalayan apes.
Ralph: She’s dates worse.
Cindy: Why are you all such dorks?
Karl: It’s in their blood. Yours too, honey.
Cindy: I know. That’s what scares me.
Three hours later…
Jerry: The Pink Ladies really delivered, great job!
Cindy: Not all the Pink Ladies. I wasn’t allowed to participate in this one.
Tammi: Me neither. You don’t see me getting jealous, mom.
Cindy: I wouldn’t be feeling so bold if I were just coming off that performance in the obstacle course!
Tammi: That was grandma!
Betty: It was not! It was Mitchell!
Tammi: Okay, I can go with that.
Mitchell: Excuse me?
Velma: Athletics aren’t your strength, honey. That’s okay.
Mitchell: Do you all try to make me feel bad about myself?
Karl: Hey, look at it this way. We could’ve replaced you with Zeke, and we didn’t.
Danielle: That has to count for something, no?
Mitchell: He doesn’t even live with us half the time! Including now!
Karl: Half of Anita’s team doesn’t live with her. In fact, I don’t know if she knows half her team.
Betty: Long-lost Floridian cousin my ass!
Jerry: Anyway, we’re in the lead by a point… over Anita and the DeFleurs.
Betty: Woo-hoo!
Jerry: They really fumbled the tug-of-war, while we won it, so good job to everyone involved in that.
Ralph: You’re welcome. Happy to help.
Jerry: It’s all coming down to the pumpkin contest, though.
Betty: Ah, great. The most subjective contest, where we let a child take the lead.
Steven: I have a talent for it!
Betty: You sure do! And you’re gonna show it off today because I need another cheap Party City trophy for the mantle!
Tammi: I’ll be there to help, too. We all know my design talents.
Jerry: Okay, everyone. Get out there and work.
Teri: You sound like RuPaul.
Jerry: this might be our last Fall Run contest ever, so make it count!
Cindy: We intend to.
Twenty minutes later…
Tammi: Steven, honey, you’re about to cut yourself with the knife.
Steven: Am I?
Cindy: The heck are you staring at? Anita?
Steven: I’m trying to see what they’re making. Grandma Betty keeps talking about them.
Tammi: You sure you’re looking at their pumpkin and not the one carving it?
Steven: What? Alysa? You’re crazy!
Jerry: EYES ON THE PRIZE
Steven: I’m looking at her! I mean, will do grandpa.
Tammi: Aww, my baby has a crush.
Cindy: Didn’t he have a crush on Ariana Grande?
Tammi: This is his first realistic one, though.
Steven: Stop! You’re embarrassing me!
Jerry: I agree, stop! Focus on the pumpkin, you’re gonna blow it!
Cindy: Speaking of blowing… can you believe the candy they’ve got here? Did they get it at the dollar store?
Jerry: It’s like you're trying to not pay attention!
Karl: Take a breather, Jerry.
Jerry: I can’t! I feel the lead slipping through my fingers!
Karl: Cindy and Tammi aren’t going to let Steven screw this up just because he has a crush on a girl.
Jerry: She’s worrying about the candy they’re handing out. Just carve the damn pumpkin.
Cindy: I can hear you!
Jerry: You’re doing great, honey!
Betty: What are you guys talking about? I was getting funnel cake.
Karl: Nothing, sweetheart.
Ralph: Isn’t funnel cake more of. Summer food?
Velma: Yeah, Betty. It’s caramel apple season.
Betty: They get stuck in my dentures.
Steven: You know, I always wondered why they had the Fall Run so early in fall. The pumpkins rot before Halloween.
Cindy: Honey, have you seen who competes in this? We’d freeze if this were any later in the season.
Tammi: Your hands look frozen now, you can barely hold the carving tool.
Cindy: Barely is the key word! It means I can still do it!
Tammi: We are so losing.
Two days later, at the HOA meeting…
Teri: I can’t believe you dragged us to this.
Betty: I wanted you to see me beat Anita’s ass, just like I did at the Fall Run two days ago.
Frank: You act like you did it alone.
Betty: Last I checked, we won the the lawn bowling. You guys took second in the mile run.
Frank: You came in fifth in the obstacle course.
Mitchell: That was rigged!
Danielle: Was it?
Mitchell: Yes! they started our timer before we even got in.
Danielle: And what proof do you have for that?
Mitchell: I’m working on that.
Frank: Either way, it was a team effort. Some team members just put in more effort than others.
Betty: If that’s what you have to say to feel better about yourself, sure.
Anita: Bellwoods, is there something you have to share with the class? You won’t stop talking while poor Olivia is pleading for help with her excessive rat problem.
Olivia: It’s not excessive.
Anita: I think any number of rats is excessive.
Betty: Am I being given the floor?
Anita: Make it quick.
Olivia: But my exc-
Anita: File paperwork and maybe we’ll approve he request for an exterminator to come in.
Betty: I rise today -
Anita: This isn’t the House of Representatives.
Betty: I’m here to talk about the recent Fall Run. As anyone with eyes could notice, it was our most successful ever. Turnout was through the roof, far exceeding 2021’s attendance. Food nearly sold out, beverages were almost gone, and tickets to the fireworks show did sell out. Does that sound to you like an event that needs to be canceled because it costs more than it makes? It was the talk of Lakey, it made it on the news and some local hotels even reported increased occupancy from people coming from out of town to check it out. Speaking from experience, t-shirts and other Fall Run merchandise sold very well at my store. Not only is this good business for the HOA, it’s good business for the community at-large. Discontinuing it would be a terrible decision for all of us.
Anita: With all due respect, the appearance of strong sales does not necessarily correlate to actual strong sales. Most people attending only took part in the free aspects.
Betty: Anita, you keep citing sales and other data pieces that you’ve not given anyone else access to. It’s almost as if you’re hiding something from us and have some other reason to want the Fall Run shut down.
Anita: What are you implying?
Betty: I’m stating with certainty that you are not God, and you shouldn’t get to single-handedly shutter an annual event that causes joy for so many people.
Teri: Joy? Not so su-
Betty: You shouldn’t get to swoop into power and immediately take down one of the events that things this community together every year.
Anita: Brings us together? Everyone bickers over who gets to win, and it’s always somehow won by the same family each year.
Frank: Because we’re just good. You’re jealous!
Anita: You think I’m shutting it down because it’s the one and only thing you people are good at?
Amelia: Anita, that’s enough. At least put it to a vote.
Anita: I’m quite confident enough people will be able to acknowledge reality and keep this money pit shuttered for good.
Betty: And what happens if you lose the vote? The HOA will keep the Fall Run going?
Anita: Sure, whatever. Olivia, you’re the secretary, you count the vote. One vote per family, remember that.
Olivia: I’m not an idiot, Anita.
Anita: I know that!
Betty: You sure don’t act like it.
Anita: All in favor of discontinuing the Fall Run, raise your hand. You count ‘em, Olivia?
Olivia: Got it.
Anita: I assume you already counted yourself, so you don’t need to raise your own hand. All opposed to discontinuing the Fall Run, now raise your hands.
Olivia: It is the opinion of the chair that on this vote, the nays are seventeen, the ayes are fifteen, and so the nays have it.
Anita: That was a practice vote, ignore her.
Betty: We won!
Anita: Olivia, you counted wrong! Tell me you counted wrong.
Olivia: Maybe you should’ve given more consideration to my “excessive” rat problem.
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
