Olivia is in her sitting room with Fred and her children.
Fred: Darling -
Olivia: That tone of yours suggests something is weighing on your mind.
Fred: Claude invited you to the coronation rehearsal, and it’s starting in an hour. What are we doing here?
Olivia: Fred, you know I don’t care about that. I’ll go to coronation, but I don’t need to go to a rehearsal. It’s not like I’m going to have any part in it, I’m surprised I’m even invited!
Gigi: Uncle Claude loves you, mother.
Olivia: Uncle Claude finds me to be an embarrassment.
Todd: His name is His Majesty King Uncle Claude. He gets very upset if you don’t call him that.
Olivia: I feel nauseous.
Fred: He would never have invited you if he found you to be an embarrassment.
Olivia: I’m just afraid I’ll never be enough for him, okay? I walked away from the family for a long time and my relationships froze and I know the disappointment he felt with me over that. I don’t know if he really does want me at this major life moments.
Gigi: I think he’d be more disappointed if you didn’t come after being invited. Especially if he knew you were in London.
Olivia: How we he find that out?
Gigi: Well, you see, he’s the King. They have ways of knowing things.
Todd: Also, we’re staying in an official royal residence.
Olivia: Okay, fine. I’ll go. But only so Claude doesn’t have any reason to say I’ve been an absentee sister.
Gigi: The prior twenty years makes for pretty compelling evidence.
Olivia: That’s not fair to bring up, I’ve apologized for that and we’ve moved on.
Gigi: Then what was that you were just talking about?
Olivia: I’m just being miserable, okay? I’m jealous, that could be my coronation!
Todd: Only if you’d have killed Uncle Claude before he had Arthur and Nathan.
Olivia: I tried to! His darn horse. Just refused to step on him. He was a very loyal horse.
Fred: Leave that out of the coronation toast.
Olivia: It’s not a wedding, there’s no toast from the sister.
Fred: I wouldn’t know, your mother was on the throne so damn long, I never experienced a coronation before.
Olivia: Oh, god, my mother. She’s going to give me hell, I’ve been too busy with royal duties too stop in and see her lately.
Gigi: Today’s the perfect day to change that!
Olivia: What a nightmare! I just wanted to watch racing.
Todd: Clearly you subconsciously wanted to be here for the rehearsal. You’d never have suggested a trip too London if you didn’t.
Olivia: Stop psychoanalyzing me!
One hour later, at Westminster Abbey…
Arthur: Father, just let its happen!
Claude: No, it’s ridiculous!
Arthur: It will make Nathan happy. Do you not want Nate to be happy?
Claire: If I may, sir. I’ve never seen Nathan so happy with a woman before. Ms. Millstone may just be “the one,” let him bring her and her mother to the coronation. They’ll be family soon enough.
Claude: Artie never brought you and your family to any official family business before you were engaged. This breaks so many royal protocols.
Olivia: What are we walking into?
Claude: Olivia! I’m glad you came!
Olivia: Your Majesty…
Claude: Olivia, you don’t have to do that. We’re in private.
Olivia: Have to do it in private, I gotta get used to it so I stop throwing up in my mouth when I do it in public.
Claude: How elegant.
Christine: Thank god you’re here!
Olivia: I sense the sarcasm, and just so you know, I’m not calling you “Your Majesty.” Too far!
Eleanor: Olivia, you need to respect the new Queen.
Olivia. Consort. Queen Consort.
Eleanor: Even I’m far less apprehensive about all of this than you are.
Olivia: Yes, because Shea actually likes you.
Christine: Olivia, I am happy you’re here. Claude was worried you wouldn't show.
Gigi: She wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Claude: Olivia, I thought I was clear… only working royals. Just the ones who will go up on the balcony with us.
Olivia: So my family’s not welcome?
Claude: I can make an exception, it’s no big deal. It’s just that this is terribly boring and I don’t know why they’d want to be here.
Todd: It’s history, we can’t miss it.
Claire: It’s boring. No fancy outfits or music. Just us talking about what we’re going to do in three weeks, when we’ll forget it all by then, anyway.
Christine: We need your advice.
Olivia: My advice? You sure? Is Mandy busy?
Eleanor: She can’t hear anyway.
Olivia: We’re pretty rich, hearing aids perhaps?
Eleanor: She can’t hear even with them.
Olivia: Aww, Mandy.
Claude: Nathan wants his girlfriend and her mother to come to the coronation. As a non-traditional royal yourself, I wanted your thoughts.
Fred: Remember, honey. My mother is dead, it’s rude to speak ill of her.
Olivia: How serious is this relationship?
Claude: I don’t know, she’s American.
Olivia: Oh no! Not an American! What if their child looks like Ronald McDonald?
Claude: Didn’t anyone tell you you’re not supposed to mock the monarch?
Claire: Please continue, it’s the first interesting thing to happen today.
Christine: They’re serious, he’s mentioned a proposal.
Claude: Not to me, he hasn’t!
Christine: Well, Claude, maybe the King really doesn’t know all.
Ethan: What’d I miss?
Arthur: Aunt Olivia beat you here.
Ethan: Good heavens. Liv, something the matter with you? I’m assuming you were dragged here kicking and screaming?
Olivia: Always here to support my family.
Claude: Since September 2021, that is.
Olivia: I think you should invite them. This is supposed to be a celebration, the more the merrier.
Claude: They could watch at home if they want to celebrate with us.
Christine: Listen to your sister and your son and your daughter-in-law. Invite them. Nathan’s already distant enough as it is, no need to alienate him any further.
Clause: So it will go. Olivia, I have another question for you.
Olivia: Is it about the guest list? If it is, may I recommend you find a party planner to assist you?
Claude: It is not about the guest list.
Olivia: Then go ahead.
Claude: I want you to take part in it.
Olivia: Claude, I can’t be your Queen Consort. Christine would kill me.
Christine: Darn right I would! I’ve earned this!
Arthur: Of course you have, mummy. It was only a joke, put the knife down.
Claire: Why did you bring a knife with you to Westminster Abbey, anyway?
Christine: You never know when you’ll have to defend yourself.
Olivia: Well, I know I’ll have to defend myself anytime I’m around you.
Christine: Don’t be such a snowflake.
Todd: Why is Aunt Christine talking like she’s a right-wing news host?
Christine: This whole thing is stressing the hell out of me, I’m sorry.
Claude: It’s my coronation, you don’t have to worry so much.
Christine: Wrong!
Claude: Right!
Arthur: Look at the invitation, papa.
Claude: Of course I know it’s a coronation for both of us, but I’m the regent. I’m the one people will be focusing on.
Christine: Oh, you did not just say that!
Olivia: Is now a bad time to accept the offer for participation?
Eleanor: I think that’s enough rehearsing for today.
Claude: We just started!
Eleanor: Yes, and if we don’t stop, it’s going to be a coronation for King Arthur.
Todd: But what about his Round Table?
Gigi: Todd, shut up before Aunt Christine turns you into a jack-o-lantern!
Olivia: Fred, I’m so glad you dragged me here. This has wonderfully entertaining.
Fred: Ah, yes. The threat of a potential hostage situation, a laugh riot.
Christine: I’m not crazy, I’m not going to kill anyone! Maybe Claire.
Claire: What did I do?
Christine: You named your daughter after your mother and not me.
Claire: We named our son after you.
Christine: He’s not the heir apparent!
Eleanor: If we’re not ending this, can we at least get it back on track? We’re wasting time on points bickering.
Claude: Yes, please. Someone cue the music.
Claire (singing, off-key): God save our gracious king!
Eleanor: No matter how many times I hear that, never get used to it.
Olivia: Imagine how I feel!
Eleanor: Are you forgetting I was the queen? I know you weren’t around for a lot of it, but come on, darling.
Olivia: I didn’t realize who I was speaking to, no. I suppose it’s more surreal for you than for me.
Ethan: When is Claude going to put on his fancy coronation dress?
Claude: It’s not a dress! Mummy, tell them it’s not a dress.
Eleanor: It’s a very dress-like robe. And, Ethan, stop being rude to your king.
Ethan: Don’t say it that way, mummy.
Eleanor: Ethan…
Olivia: Is this how I look when I mope about Claude being king?
Claude: You look worse. You’re older, you should be more mature.
Olivia: He’s in his fifties, it’s not like he’s a child.
Eleanor: No, but he sure acts like it. Just as the two of you did.
Olivia: At least Ethan and I showed up. Where is Anthony?
Eleanor: Does anyone ever really know where he is?
Olivia: I would hope my nieces with the weird names know where their father is.
Eleanor: Beulah and Ernestine are not weird names!
Ethan: They’re barely names at all!
Claude: I guess we’re just not ever getting to the rehearsal. I’ll go in unprepared and look like fool before the world!
Eleanor: Not a word, Olivia.
Olivia: Like The Go-Go’s, my lips are sealed!
Ethan: We should get the Go-Go’s for the coronation! Claude’s got the beat!
Claire: Papa, I tried to serenade you and help you.
Arthur: Yes, darling, we’re aware. That’s how we got back off track in the first place.
Claire: I wont’ use my beautiful voice and sing, then. They’re so much more accepting in America they sing Life Every Voice and Sing before every “football” game.
Christine: They’ve clearly not heard you sing. Don’t lift that voice.
Three weeks later…
Eleanor: Oh, look! Her Royal Lateness has arrived!
Olivia: Funny, that’s what Ted called me when I was pregnant with Gigi!
Eleanor: Where is Genevieve, by the way?
Olivia: Oh, her and Warren came separately. They had an errand to run.
Eleanor: An errand? It couldn't wait until tomorrow, when he uncle is not having a coronation?
Olivia: You know kids, they're so stubborn?
Eleanor: Isn’t she… forty?
Olivia: Forty-seven! But she’s always just a babe to me.
Ethan: New arrival, everyone! Look out!
Eleanor: Who now, Ethan? Anthony?
Ethan: The Americans…
Eleanor: Put the china away!
Olivia: That’s very rude, mother. In America, they only think China is a country, they don’t know it’s also the name of dinnerware. You’l confuse them!
Nathan: Granny!
Eleanor: Nathan! It’s so nice to see you, you’re always so busy, setting out on new world adventures.
Nathan: I wouldn’t miss pops’ coronation for the world!
Eleanor: And who is this?
Nathan: This is Alicia and her mother, Veronica.
Alicia: Your majesty.
Elanor: Oh, you’re not allowed to call me that anymore.
Alicia: I’m not?
Eleanor: Yeah, it was a real blow to the gut when I learned it myself. Your Royal Highness works just fine. Or, call my granny.
Alicia: I don’t think I should do that.
Eleanor: In due time.
Veronica: Hello, I am Veronica Payner. Lovely too meet you. I brought your flowers, but the airport confiscated them. Hope you’re well, but if not, I have a natural cream that will clear that up using essential oils and herbs.
Eleanor: Olivia, what is going on?
Olivia: I do not know.
Alicia: Excuse my mother, she is a bit eccentric.
Eleanor: I would say so.
Olivia: We’re thrilled to have you, anyhow. We could always use a bit of excitement.
Alicia: Well, that’s guaranteed with us around.
Ethan; Just remember, and I’m sure my nephew told you, but keep the eccentricities to a low during the coronation. We don’t need any embarrassing moments during the event.
Alicia: Wouldn’t dream of it.
Nathan: We’ll keep her on her best behavior.
Veronica: I’m always on my best behavior! Are you really implying otherwise?
Alicia: We’re implying that you’re a lot for some people to handle. Especially people as prim and proper as these folks.
Gigi: Us? Prim and proper?
Eleanor: Genevieve, you’e here! I was beginning to worry you’d got lost!
Todd: What about us? We just arrived with her!
Margo: I don’t think they care all too much about our arrival, dear.
Eleanor: Of course I do! I just didn’t notice you weren’t here. It’s impossible not to notice Genevieve’s absence, she always must make a scene upon entry.
Ethan: Well, the party sure is kicking up now.
Eleanor: I can’t tell you the last time this many people I’ve actually wanted to see were gathered here at Buckingham.
Warren: Are you implying you didn’t enjoy meeting with the government?
Eleanor: There’s one aspect I sure do not miss. Claude can have fun with that.
Olivia: Where is the ham, by the way? I’m surprised he’s not watching to check the arrival order to use as a guide for where to sit us.
Eleanor: He’s upstairs, making last minute preparations.
Ethan: Arthur and Claire are up there as well. I assume they’re helping him rehearse, like a tutor helping a secondary school student prepare for a math exam.
Claire: He’s almost ready. Is everyone here?
Ethan: Speak of the devil.
Claire: Devil? I’m an angel, and you know it. And a Princess!
Olivia: Yeah, we’re all princesses, get off your high horse.
Gigi: I’m not, thanks to you.
Olivia: You wouldn’t like being a princess, they’d really give you a side-eye when you try to buy cocaine.
Gigi: I occasionally smoke marijuana. I don’t use cocaine, I’m not Stevie Nicks.
Alicia: Do they always bicker this much?
Nathan: Usually more.
Vanessa: I‘m sensing a lot of negative energy and hostility, so I want to offer some peaceful conflict resolution via meditation.
Claire: Who let Janis Joplin in?
Alicia: That would be me, I’m sorry!
Fred: I’m just sort of glad I’m no longer the least-favorite in-law now.
Selina: Nathan and Miss Millstone aren’t married, you’re the still the least-favorite in-law. Don’t you worry!
Fred: Ah, yes, I always appreciate the comedy stylings of the Countess of Wessex.
Selina: Wasn’t meant to be funny, we don't like you.
Claire: I like you, Fred.
Christine: Oh, geez. I need a cigarette.
Nathan: Mother, what’s wrong?
Alicia: Your majesty.
Christine: Don’t do that. We’re in private, we’re almost family, no need. What I need is to vent.
Olivia: Oh, if only Anthony were here to deal with this.
Ethan: Where is he, by the way?
Eleanor: He’s coming, he promises! Just a bit late!
Olivia: If he doesn’t arrive, I think we should give his front-row seat to Veronica. That would be so funny.
Eleanor: What’s the matter, Christine?
Christine: This is so stressful, it’s making Claude crazy.
Eleanor: It all ends today, and then you can go back to your normal lives as… the King and Queen of the United Kingdom.
Margo: You know, normal trips to Sainsbury’s, like the peasants.
Todd: I don’t think granny meant normal in that regard.
Olivia: Why not? That’s where I shop, the prices are fair and the name reminds me of Salisbury steak.
Todd: You’re not the Queen, though.
Olivia: Don’t remind me.
Arthur: Ladies and gentleman, my father, our king, Claude.
Claude: I said you didn't need to make such a big deal about it, I’m just leaving a bedroom.
Fred: The dress looks good, Claude!
Claude: Thank you, my good sir. Your name is?
Fred: We have such a fun rapport.
Olivia: Anthony isn’t here yet, he’s always causing stress.
Eleanor: He’ll get there, we still have time before we must leave.
Ethan: Yes, five minutes.
Claude: If he’s late, he’s late. He just gets thrown to the back.
Veronica: Do you want me to say a prayer to the Earth Goddess that he will arrive in time?
Claude: Who is this woman?
Alicia: Your majesty, she is my mother. I apologize for her, uh… candor.
Nathan: Sorry, papa. I didn’t realize she was quite the eccentric.
Claude: No, I don’t mind. I always wanted a nut at my coronation. I just always thought it would be my sister.
Olivia: Don’t worry, I’m still as crazy as ever!
Anthony: I have arrived!
Eleanor: You’re late!
Anthony: I have two minutes.
Eleanor: You are later.
Anthony: My plane arrived late, I’m sorry.
Claude: So we can get this started then and begin the drive to Westminster?
Eleanor: Wait! Mandy! I forgot to tell her it was time, she’s probably still napping.
Claire: I will go retrieve her.
Eleanor: Thank you, you’re a doll.
Olivia: Are we sure Mandy will be able to stay awake for the whole thing?
Eleanor: Of course not, but she’ll want to be there.
Claude: And we want her there! We need someone to make you look youthful, mother!
Eleanor: Just because I’m not your queen any longer doesn't mean I’m not still your mother! I’ll hit you with my purse!
Olivia: Oh, this is going beautifully. I’ve been one of the best-behaved ones today!
Claude: You’ve got time.
What did you think of the season premiere of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!
