Bake Your Heart Out Season 4 Finale - The Big Launch

Bake Your Heart Out Season 4, Episode 13
The Big Launch

Sam: Bakers, the time has come. After eleven grueling weeks of competition, each hard-fought and filled with delicious treats, it is time to crown a winner.

Diane: This has been, I think I can say, the. most. dramatic. season. ever.

Sam: Each week, you all brought your A-game, determined to out-whisk, out-bake and out-frost your rivals. 

Diane: Except for Halloween week, which was mostly just filled with frights.

Sam: Everyone has their down moments, it’s just that they all chose to have theirs at the exact same time!

Diane: Patrice, you’ve had your low lows, but the highs have been thrilling, showing a mastery of the craft, even when your time-management skills got the better of you.

Sam: Ironic, given you are a project manager by trade.

Diane: Madison, you wowed the judges from week one, claiming top baker in the first episode, and three more times after that, never once falling into the bottom two.

Sam: Your baking skills were the true model of success for this season.

Diane: That was such a terrible pun.

Sam: Trevor, your run on this season was a storybook success, even if top baker status did often elude you.

Diane: We’ve loved getting to now you, but only one of you can win.

Sam: First, we will announce the third-place competitor, who is… Patrice.

Diane: Patrice, you’ve been such a ray of light on this season, thanks for baking with us.

Patrice: It’s been the honor of my life.

Sam: Now for the moment we’ve been waiting for all season. Who will join the ranks of our all-time greats?

Diane: The winner is…

Frances: Wait! Wait!

Sam: What is it, Frances?

Frances: We couldn’t let this season end without thanking all of our bakers this season for giving it their all and truly baking their hearts out.

Charlotte: You did fly them all back here, it would be so rude to not acknowledge all of them and their contributions.

Garry: This was our best season ever, and it’s because of all of you. Whether you lasted long or not, you all added something special to this season.

Sam: Thank you for hijacking us, judges. 

Diane: They’re usually so quiet now, I appreciate them pulling their wait.

Sam: For real now, okay? The winner is…

Diane: Wait, who are the finalists again?

Sam: Madison and Trevor.

Diane: Oh, right! And which one won again, Frances?

Frances: Sam, just say it!

Sam: The winner is…

Diane: Oh, I remember! Madison!

Sam: That was a production, but we got there! Congratulations, Madison!

Madison: This is insane! Thank you!

Diane: We didn’t do anything, but you’re welcome! And thank you to all the viewers for welcoming us into your home each week, you are so grateful for you.

Sam: We’ll be back this winter for an all-new cycle, don’t miss it!

Leslie: Cut!

Frances: Well, that was fun!

Sam: You happy, Frances? You finally got a role in announcing the results.

Frances: I’m over the moon! That was fun! I should do comedy more often, I am a natural.

Paul: We could get you on a sitcom. Frances’ Kitchen, Thursdays at 9 on UTN!

Sam: Paul, stop inflating her ego.

Paul: I’ve seen worse egos, hers can stand to be inflated a bit inflated more.

Diane: Speaking of huge egos, I have news!

Charlotte: You? Huge ego? Diane, you’re the most insecure person I know.

Garry: That doesn’t mean much. Sam’s extremely insecure and yet she still has a massively-inflated sense of self.

Sam: Thank you.

Diane: I just needed a segue, it’s hosting 101.

Frances: You host? You’d never know it.

Diane: Stop ganging up on me and let me speak!

Frances: She’s testy today, she needs a nap.

Charlotte: Everyone, stop. She has a right to speak.

Diane: Thank you, Charlotte. I want to tell you all that I’ve submitted my book to my publisher, and they’ve approved a release date for it.

Sam: When’s that?

Diane: November 22. They want it in in time for the Christmas season and Black Friday and all that. There will be a big book release party on the 18th in New York, I want you all there.

Paul: What about me?

Diane: Reluctantly, I am inviting you. You drive me up a wall, and I think you’re a sleaze, but you did give me major writing inspiration, and I appreciate it.

Paul: Aww, I’m touched.

Sam: You should not be.

Leslie: We will all be there, Diane. We wouldn’t miss it!

Garry: I have to ask, though. How did you go so quickly from not being able to think up an ending to having a release date?

Sam: Do you lack listening comprehension skills? She already explained this!

Diane: They think it could be a huge book, they have their best editor on it and she’s going to make it her top priority so it can be complete in time. It’ll be a tight crunch, but it’ll work. Nicolle did some editing, too, so it shouldn’t be that much of a mess for her to clean up.

Frances: Christmas is the best time to have a new book out, I can’t begin to tell you how many celebrity memoirs I used to get as Christmas presents. I never read any of them, but that doesn’t matter to the pockets of the authors.

Charlotte: What did you do with all of them?

Frances: Donated some of them, used some as fire kindling, used others as paperweights.

Garry: Fire kindling?

Frances: The ones from my ex-husband.

Garry: Oh…

Sam: Funny, that’s what I do with all of the gifts I get from Garry.

Garry: That’s not funny.

Sam: It wasn’t a joke.

Garry: Then you’re even meaner than I thought!

Diane: Well, I really do hope people don’t use my book as a paper weight or as burning material.

Frances: They won’t, I’m sure of it. You’ve lived such an interesting life, everyone knows that!

Diane: What about my life has been interesting?

Frances: You, uh… you’re the oldest Olivia Rodrigo super fan in the entire world!

Charlotte: And your husband drove off a bridge with his mistress.

Frances: What’s more interesting than that?

Diane: I’m not just a punchline, I do have a compelling story to tell.

Frances: Of course, and we’ll be reading it!

Sam: I wouldn’t waste my time reading for anyone else. We’re all such good friends!

Paul: Okay, gang, I have to go get ready for the wrap party tonight. See you all later.

Sam: You’re still here?

Paul: I remember when I used to intimidate you. Now you walk all over me. What happened?

Sam: I was never intimidated by you. I thought you were an ass, and I did anything to avoid interaction with you, but you’ve made that unfeasible as of late, haven’t you?

Frances: So clingy.

Paul: I’m the person who can fire you! You need to respect me.

Sam: Aww. It’s almost cute when he gets angry. He thinks he has power over us!

Garry: Remember what happened the last time you lost us?

Sam: Garry, stay out of it. The ratings would probably go up if you weren’t on anymore.

Garry: I thought we were all united in bashing Paul?

Diane: We were supposed to be united in celebrating my book release!

Sam: Diane, we’re all happy for you with you big book release. It’s not happening for another two months, so put a lid on it and make fun of Paul.

Leslie: We need to follow Paul’s lead and get back to the hotel to get ready for the party.

Sam: I miss when we used to do wrap party at my house.

Leslie: Well, we’re not flying across the country for a wrap party. The Whale Tail Lounge will have to suffice.

Sam: Who says “suffice” in 2022?

Charlotte: I feel like you said it on the show.

Sam: Doesn’t sound like me. I would never.

Later that night…

Melanie: Why was I invited to this? I’m happy to be here with you, but I feel so out of place.

Carly: So do I. I don’t know anyone here. What am I going to do, spend the night talking to my husband? At a party? I can barely stand to talk to him when we’re home!

Garry: Love you too, my darling angel.

Sam: Even his wife doesn’t like him. I almost feel bad for him.

Garry: I heard that!

Leslie: Melanie, we invited you because it’s our show and you’re our friend! You’re never out of place when you’re with us.

Charlotte: Aside from that one time we almost got arrested for trespassing at that museum. We were all out of place there.

Diane: They should have clearly marked that it was for employees only, how were we to know?

Sam: They did, we just didn’t read.

Diane: Shouldn’t have left the door unlocked, then.

Melanie: I’m going to have to learn how to bake. I don’t like being the only one in the room who can’t make a cake. I feel unaccomplished.

Sam: I’m sure Paul can’t make one, either.

Paul: She’s right, I can’t. I can pay for a lot to be made, though. How many cakes you think you guys have tried over the course of this show?

Frances: Too many. I can’t even look at cake anymore outside of the show It’s not a treat anymore when you eat twenty different cakes a week.

Garry: You’re telling me! I’ve eaten so many, it’s given me diabetes.

Sam: I forgot about that!

Charlotte: Garry’s coping well with it, and that’s what really matters.

Garry: It’s not been as much of a hassle as I expected it to be.

Sam: Unlike Paul, who is as big of a hassle as always!

Paul: Is this a bad time to mention that I got a huge cake for tonight’s party?

Frances: It’s not a great time for that.

Diane: Melanie, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.

Melanie: No, they’re real. They look like they could be fake, though, don’t they?

Diane: What?

Melanie: You saw a lot of me at the spa last week, I thought you were asking about my -

Diane: No! I wanted to ask you to come to my book release party in November. It’s in New York, but I thought you could drive down for the weekend.

Melanie: Oh! Of course I’ll come! I’m so proud of you for finishing that book!

Diane: I’m so grateful you gave me the inspiration for it.

Sam (singing): You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration.

Diane: I agree with Peter Cetera, you were the inspiration, so I’m so glad you’ll be there.

Melanie: I journal, so I’m going to feel much more at-home there than here with all these bakers and swanky TV execs.

Paul: You’re at the hottest party in the business right now!

Melanie: Yeah, that’s the problem. I don’t fit in with that crowd. I’m a receptionist.

Sam: You’re an assistant manager now, Melanie.

Melanie: An assistant manager who has to work the reception desk and, occasionally, fix clogged toilets. I’m not living the dream.

Diane: Are you saying my party’s not going to be the hottest bash in town?

Frances: Put up your glasses, everyone!

Diane: Are you trying to shut me up?

Frances: Yes! Raise ‘em up!

Leslie: To season nine!

Sam: Thank God we’ve started drinking.

Two months later, at Diane’s launch party in New York…

Nicolle: Ladies, have you seen Diane?

Leslie: She’s waiting to make a grand entrance is the last I heard.

Garry: Can you believe it’s fall already?

Frances: It’s almost Thanksgiving, Garry. Yes, I can believe it. There are no leaves on the trees.

Garry: We live in LA, it doesn’t feel like fall there. It only hits you when you come somewhere with actual seasons.

Leslie: Clearly, you have not been to Diane’s house. Looks like the Addams Family house there.

Garry: Still? Halloween was half a month ago.

Leslie: She’s been very busy with the book, no time to take it down.

Paul: Why is there no alcohol here?

Sam: Paul, do you have a problem?

Paul: What? No.

Sam: It’s okay to admit it.

Paul: My only problem is that my employees seem to like mocking me more than listening me.

Leslie: She doesn’t listen to me, either. Don’t take it personal!

Diane: Guys, you made it!

Sam: We flew out here together, of course we made it.

Diane: It just sounded like the right thing to say there, I don’t know.

Leslie: We’re glad you made it. We were starting to worry that you wouldn’t.

Diane: I just had to freshen up a bit, I want to look nice. These pictures will be in the tabloids and the newspapers, I don’t want people to say I look like I’m about to drop dead.

Charlotte: Are you still worried about what the Enquirer said about you last year? They’re just a rag, nothing more.

Diane: It’s just a bit triggering, you know? I had cancer at that time, and there I was, being called a goner on a paper in the checkout aisle.

Leslie: That’s past you now, you’re doing so well. And we’re not thinking about fake gossip papers on your big night!

Charlotte: Although it would be okay if you showed up in them now, because you look stunning!

Sam: Who did your makeup?

Diane: What do you mean?

Sam: Well, I know that’s not your doing. Your mascara is actually on both eyes.

Diane: I’m so glad you’re all here. Especially you, Nicolle! This book would be about eighty pages without you.

Nicolle: What did we get it to, eight hundred?

Diane: It sure felt like it, but it was only four hundred. Still a nice beach read, though.

Frances: Frances, it’s November and you made us come to New York for this. Don’t remind us of the beach. I’m usually frolicking on one in SoCal right about now.

Sam: You frolic? When?

Frances: I really cut loose when I’m alone?

Charlotte: Frances acts like Tom Cruise in Risky Business when we’re not around, apparently.

Diane’s phone starts ringing.

Diane: I gotta take that, it’s book Paul.

Paul: Book Paul?

Diane: Yeah, my publisher. He reminds me of you.

Paul: I’m… flattered?

Diane: Don’t be. He’s a pain in my ass.

Diane steps away.

Paul: Is she less nice today or is it just me?

Leslie: Just to you. She’s been fine to us.

Paul: She’s the one who invited me.

Nicolle: You know, she wrote quite a bit about you in the book.

Paul: She did?

Nicolle: Take a Prozac before you read it, okay?

Paul: Why?

Leslie: What stories does she have to tell about you that are positive, Paul?

Paul: Many! I’ve been a huge supporter of her career. I helped her career reach a renaissance.

Melanie: A man taking credit for a woman’s work, what a shock!

Leslie: He is sort of right, he’s the one that pushed for Sam and Diane to host. I was planning to just let Frances and Garry do double duty.

Garry: Can you imagine? Me hosting?

Frances: Garry, what’re you doing?

Garry: Trying to fit in with the group. If I mock myself, maybe they’ll laugh at my jokes.

Frances: That is so sad.

Charlotte: Garry, didn’t you host a major dancing competition series for like a decade?

Garry: Yes, and then they fired me! But that’s all water under the bridge.

Nicolle: You all play major parts in the book. Especially Sam, since it is about her career leading up to Bake Your Heart Out, too.

Sam: I better be in it, we’re a package deal. We’re going out like Thelma and Louise one day.

Nicolle: Were you planning to consult with your wife about that?

Sam: Eventually.

Leslie: You’re sure Thelma and Louise is the best metaphor here, Sam? Consider, you know, Diane’s husband…

Sam: That was the best thing to ever happen to her. She has us now, and not him!

Frances: I have a question, Nicolle.

Nicolle: Of course!

Frances: Since you’re the only one who’s read it -

Nicolle: It’s very good!

Frances: How many Olivia Rodrigo references are in it?

Nicolle: Enough that Olivia could get half of the profits if she so desired.

Melanie: How does it end? Diane wouldn’t tell us, but she said it’s inspired by me and it’s making me anxious! Spoil it for me!

Nicolle: It’s nothing to spoil, the last chapter ties in most of what she talked about in the book and how you need to embrace the uncertainty and roll with the punches and look on the bright side of life.

Charlotte: Like the Monty Python song?

Diane: What are you all talking about?

Nicolle: The Masked Singer!

Diane: You know, I got an invite for that show and I think I might finally accept the offer. I hope Ken thinks I’m Madonna.

Sam: I’ve heard you sing. No one else will, but he will. He might guess Tina Turner. You sound equally unlike her.

Frances: So what was the call about?

Diane: Book Paul is running a little late.

Paul: That name still hurts my feelings.

Diane: He’ll be here in an hour or so, whenever he gets out of the traffic.

Garry: We’ll just have to entertain everyone until then. Can’t have anyone getting bored!

Diane: That’s a good idea, Garry.

Sam: If entertainment is the goal, Garry’s not the man for the job.

Garry: Why are you so damn mean?

Nicolle: Her mother says she was born that way.

Two hours later…

Sam: Diane, he’s still not here. Are you not worried?

Diane: He’s coming, it will all be good.

Charlotte: People are starting to get agitated.

Diane: That’s just because they’ve hd to listen to two hours of Garry. Put on an episode of Abbott Elementary. Play some music. Entertain them, and they won’t leave.

Paul: Or… you could go on with the show without your publisher.

Frances: I kinda do want to see them put music on, though. I just know Garry would sing along and it would be so funny.

Diane: Book Paul would be so mad at me if I started the party without him.

Paul: “Book Paul” is not going to have a party to attend at all if he’s not here soon. Just start.

Diane: Okay, fine. Leslie, will you introduce me?

Leslie: Did you write nice things about me in the book?

Diane: Of course!

Leslie: Then it would be an honor.

Leslie walks up to the stage.

Garry: What’s going on, he’s not here yet, is it?

Leslie: Change of plans, just… off the stage.

Garry: Don’t have to tell me twice!

Leslie: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for patience. Without further ado, the reason you’re here tonight, our newest budding author, my friend, Diane Smith!

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season premiere of Our House next week! Bake Your Heart Out will return for season five in summer 2023!

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