Jimmy and Louise are sitting in bed, discussing plans for the future.
Louise: So… how are we going to tell her?
Jimmy: Why are you talking as if this is something that will upset her? Frances is going to be overjoyed to get rid of us!
Louise: I was talking about Lauren.
Jimmy: Oh… she’ll be fine with it! She always knew that moving into this guest house was a temporary plan, not anything that was supposed to be long-lasting.
Louise: It was sort of long-lasting though, wasn’t it? Two years…
Jimmy: We didn’t get back on our feet as quick as we expected. No shame in that!
Louise: There’s a bit of shame.
Jimmy: How are we going to tell Frances, though?
Louise: A celebratory banner flown over the backyard?
Jimmy: I think, deep down, she’s going to miss us.
Louise: We’re moving five houses down the block.
Jimmy: But we won’t be able to just walk from our house to hers in an instant and pop in to see her without notice.
Louise: I think that’ll be her favorite part of the move. She tells us just about every day not to do that.
Jimmy: An act.
Louise: She’s not that good of an actress.
Jimmy: I suppose we should get to sleep. It’s a busy day ahead of us tomorrow!
Louise: Try to dream of the goodbye party Frances is going to throw us. It’s going to be grand!
The next morning…
Louise: Lauren, honey, your father and I have some news we have to share.
Lauren: Who cheated?
Louise: Cheated? What?
Louise: That’s how they always break the divorce news on TV shows.
Jimmy: No one cheated!
Lauren: You sure?
Jimmy: Yes! Right, Louise?
Louise: Of course!
Lauren: So what’s the news if there’s no divorce?
Jimmy: Honey, we’re finally settling down in our own place. We bought Mrs. Fennehy’s old place down the block.
Lauren: Mrs. Fennehy?
Jimmy: The old lady with the corgi who moved into the retirement home.
Lauren: Queen Elizabeth?
Louise: She does kinda look like her.
Lauren: Seriously, though. We’re moving? Just like that?
Jimmy: That is the intention. We just put an offer in on the place and we’re expecting it to be accepted.
Lauren: I don’t know how to feel. I like this place
Louise: It’s a little small, don’t you think?
Lauren: It’s quaint. Plus, there’s a pool.
Louise: We can get a pool!
Lauren: Really?
Jimmy: I don’t think that’s in the budget. You can still come here to swim, though. I’m sure of that.
Lauren: Is the house nice? Can we move in right away?
Louise: It needs some work, but nothing major. It’ll probably only take about a month to get it ready once we get the keys.
Lauren: Guess we’d better start packing then. We should probably tell Aunt Frances, too.
Louise: That’s what we’re off to do next. We’ll tell her over breakfast.
Lauren: I’ll make sure to get it on video tape. We’ll want to relive for years to come that backflip she’s sure to do when she hears the news.
Jimmy: Why does everyone keep saying she’ll be happy? She’ll miss us!
Lauren: She will not.
Twenty minutes later, at breakfast…
Frances: Care for an orange, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Um… sure, why not?
Frances: Vitamin C is very important! You have to get your daily intake of it.
Greg: We always appreciate your daily health bulletin, sweetheart.
Jimmy: Speaking of bulletins, we have some news to share.
Frances: Don’t drag it out, please. I have a long commute today, I have a meeting today to start planning my big Halloween episode. Can’t be late for it!
Louise: Just spit it out, Jimmy. Make her day.
Frances: My god, is this the news I think it is? The day I’ve been waiting for?
Jimmy: Frances, we’ve finally found a place to move to. It’s right down the street, so we’ll only be a short walk away, but we’re finally clearing out your guest house.
Frances: I’ve prayed for days like this.
Louise: Told ya so!
Jimmy: You did tell me so.
Frances: Don’t get me wrong, Jim. I love you. But siblings are not meant to live this close together. Even with you living a few houses down the block, that’ll feel like a whole world away compared to now.
Later that day, on the set…
Frances: Oh my god, you guys! I have the most wonderful news!
Marcia: Well, the news is certainly not that you decided to arrive on-time today, because you did not.
Jane: Even I beat you here!
Frances: Don’t you get sassy on me, Jane! Not on this blessed day.
Beverly: Are you getting the Kennedy Center Honor?
Frances: Even better. My brother is finally moving out of my guest house!
Marcia: Wow, I’d have bet money on your good news being that you finally divorced my brother.
Beverly: Why would that be good news?
Marcia: Have you met my brother?
Frances: I have, and I love him. And, unlike my brother, I want to continue living with him.
Marcia: Is living with Jimmy really that bad?
Frances: It’s not bad at all. It’s just that we’re not supposed to spend every second at home together. I’m supposed to get alone time with my husband without my brother and sister-in-law being there, making sure I’m not gossiping about them.
Beverly: Do you gossip about us when you’re at home?
Frances: Why are you interrogating me?
Marcia: That’s a yes.
Jane: Isn’t the house going to feel empty now that I’m gone and they’re going to be gone?
Frances: No, it’s going to feel correct. All’s right with the world again. This is how it was always meant to be. I never wanted children, so my dream certainly wasn’t to be taking care of and sheltering grown adults. Love you all, but I need some alone time for my own sanity.
DeAnna: That implies that you were ever sane.
Frances: Ah! Where’d it come from?
DeAnna: Oh, shush, I used the same door everyone else does. Don’t act like I snuck in.
Frances: Why are you here?
Beverly: Yeah, why are you here delaying filming even more than Frances already was?
DeAnna: I’m just here because I drew up your bill for the party catering.
Frances: Jane, file this with my other important documents.
DeAnna: Okay, when I ask for payment, don’t tell me you can’t pay because Jane lost the bill. That’s not my fault.
Jane: Do you have that little faith in me?
DeAnna: Yes.
Frances: Will that be all, DeAnna?
DeAnna: I suppose so.
Frances: Good, we have a big meeting planned today and you’re delaying it.
DeAnna: Ooh, a meeting! What’s that about? I need all the details!
Frances: You don’t.
Beverly: It was about our Halloween show.
DeAnna: Speaking of Halloween, I’ve been told I can do a mean version of I Put A Spell on You.
Frances: Well, you do look like a witch. Now, get on your broom and fly!
DeAnna: I know you’ve used that one before.
Frances: It will be discontinued when no longer applicable. Facelift, perchance?
DeAnna: You first.
Jane: I think Frances is beautiful for her age!
Frances: For my age?
Jane: Well, you’re obviously not -
Marcia: Quit while you’re ahead.
Beverly: More like quit while you’ve still got a head.
Jane: I don’t get it.
Marcia: What a shock.
Later that night, when Frances walks into the house…
Louise: I don’t know, Lauren. You have to ask her.
Lauren: That shouldn’t be too hard, she’s home no.
Frances: No. Whatever it is, no. I want to go read.
Greg: You’re going to want to hear it, honey.
Frances: I had a long meeting, and I just want to go into the attic and get my Halloween decorations down. That relaxes me.
Louise: Decorating for Halloween relaxes you? You’re sicker than I thought.
Frances: Thank you.
Lauren: I’ll only take a few minutes, I promise.
Frances: Okay, let’s go talk in my office.
Jimmy: Are we not allowed to hear the conversation?
Frances: I have something to grab in my office, I was hoping to do that while Lauren and I spoke.
Jimmy: I think she’s hiding something from us.
Greg: Don’t you have some packing to do?
Jimmy: We’re not packing anything until we’re certain we got the house.
Greg: Well, we’ll all pray that day soon comes.
In Frances’s office…
Frances: Okay, so what’s up?
Lauren: Don’t you need to find something?
Frances: Nah, that was a lie. I could just tell that this was something important, and I didn’t want your parents chiming in.
Lauren: They do that a lot, yeah.
Frances: So what’s the big question you needed to ask?
Lauren: Aunt Frances, I’ve been thinking. I’m in my twenties now, my mid-twenties -
Frances: Don’t say it that way, you’re making me feel old. I’ve been made to feel that way more than enough today.
Lauren: Sorry about that. I need to forge a new, independent path, is what I’m saying. I can’t afford my own place, but I could afford to rent the guest house from you. I would like permission to do so.
Frances: Hmm.
Lauren: Is that a positive or a negative “hmm”?
Frances: I just have to think it over.
Lauren: I understand.
Frances: It’s not because I don’t want you here. It’s just, you know, having a tenant is a big responsibility.
Lauren: I wouldn’t be so much a tenant, more a family member who pays for residing.
Frances: So a tenant?
Lauren: You wouldn’t have to do anything a landlord usually does.
Frances: And thank god for that.
That night, in bed…
Frances: Greg…
Greg: This better be important if I take my sleep mask off for it.
Frances: What do you think about this whole Lauren thing?
Greg: Lauren thing?
Frances: Oh, did I forget to tell you?
Greg: Yes…
Frances: Lauren wants to stay when Jimmy and Louise move into their new place.
Greg: Are Jimmy and Louise aware of this?
Frances: So I’ve been told.
Greg: What’s there to think about it, then? She’s family.
Frances: Well, I was really looking forward to having the house just for the two of us again.
Greg: If you’d learn to lock doors, you could have that now.
Frances: Doors are meant to be unlocked when you are home and awake.
Greg: Anyway, I don’t think Lauren would be a bother for us.
Frances: She surely makes herself right at home now.
Greg: That’s Jimmy and Louise’s influence on display, she wouldn’t barge in uninvited on her own.
Frances: Don’t you think Jimmy and Louise will be down here a hell of a lot more if there daughter was still living in the guest house than if she were living with them?
Greg: Probably, but I don’t envision them bargain into our house if Lauren’s living in the guest house. We will still have the place to ourselves.
Frances: So you want her to stay?
Greg: If that helps her out, I’m not opposed to it.
Frances: I just know you’re patting yourself on the back right now, thinking of how much better you are than me.
Greg: That’s not true. I’m laying on my back, it’d be too difficult to pat it right now.
The next day, on the set…
Frances: Got any advice, girls? I need it.
Marcia: Jergens Age-Defying. Works like a dream, those wrinkles will be gone within a week.
Frances: Why do people keep making such cruel cracks about my age?
Jane: You l-
Frances: Save it.
Beverly: May I ask what you need advice about.
Frances: I was getting to it before Marcia insinuated I was an old hag.
Marcia: I was not saying that! I was merely saying that you’ve begun to look like the Duchess of Cornwall.
Jane: Mmm… corn. Can you make corn muffins on the show today, Frances?
Frances: I’m ignoring this stupidity. I need advice about Lauren.
Beverly: You want her to replace Marcia? I say go for it!
Marcia: I’m right here!
Beverly: I’m aware.
Frances: She wants to live in the guest house. I’m not sure I want that. Am I an awful aunt?
Jane: No! You’re so kind to your family. My aunt threw chili at me at the family reunion the last time I saw her.
Beverly: Did you also call her old?
Jane: Perhaps.
Marcia: Why aren’t you sure you want her to stay in the guest house? And remember, the answer will determine whether you’re an awful aunt or not.
Frances: We talked about this yesterday. I want my house to myself. Just me and Greg. That won’t happen if Lauren’s still living out in the guest house. I’ll never be free.
Beverly: I thought the main concern was with Louise and Jimmy. Aren’t they the main issue?
Frances: Yes, but Lauren also makes herself at home in my home. I thought I’d finally be free of that after over two years.
Beverly: Let me raise a question.
Frances: Oh boy.
Beverly: Is helping your niece not more important than having a gigantic mansion all to yourself?
Frances: It’s not that huge.
Beverly: You’re being selfish. Just tell her you need space, and to treat you as if you were any other neighbor. She can’t barge in uninvited like a sitcom character. She has to knock at the door just like the Gandolinis next door.
Marcia: Bev is so wise.
Jane: She always helps me with my problems.
Marcia: Okay, maybe not as wise as I’d initially believed.
Frances: I don’t know how to lay that out without coming across as rude.
Marcia: You’re going to have to tell Jimmy and Louise the same thing, no?
Frances: I suppose. I was planning to just draw the curtains and turn off the lights when I saw them approbate. Can’t do that when someone’s living in your backyard.
Beverly: And you were concerned about coming off as rude?
Marcia: I don’t see how anyone could ever think that.
Charlie: Hey girls! Just dropping off some supplies for the Halloween show!
Beverly: Since when do you do supply drop-offs, Charlie?
Frances: Is that the only responsibility Dana will give you anymore? I knew she was -
Dana: Knew I was what?
Frances: A powerful queen.
Dana: Nice save.
Charlie: What are y’all doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be working? Frances, get in the kitchen.
Jane: That is SO sexist!
Charlie: It’s the name of the show, dear.
Frances: We’re getting to work, Charlie. We just had to manage a crisis beforehand, apologies. That’s resolved.
Marcia: Is it?
Frances: Yes, it is. I knew what I must do
Beverly: Thank god. We’re already running late, plus we gotta get this Halloween crap to the storage closet.
Marcia: Jane, make yourself useful.
Charlie: I could help.
Dana: Charlie, that’s not your job.
Charlie: Okay…
Three weeks later…
Frances: I can’t believe you’re moving out now!
Jimmy: You were happy about it?
Frances: Yeah, but it’s the day before Halloween. You’re ruining my movie marathon.
Jimmy: You don’t have to help.
Frances: Yes, I do. It’ll take a lot less time with my help.
Jimmy: I do appreciate it, I hope you know that.
Frances: I do. How can one not appreciate me?
Louise: I can’t believe we’re moving out. I feels like the end of an era.
Frances: An era we’re all glad to close, no?
Lauren: I can’t believe I get my own place.
Frances: On that one condition, of course.
Lauren: Yes, I have to knock if I want to come into the house. You and uncle Greg need it to yourself for gross reasons.
Frances: Not for gross reasons! We just like quiet time while we watch TV.
Jimmy: I just realized, honey, we’re empty nesters now, too!
Frances: You’re welcome.
Louise: Oh, god we are! Maybe we can try for another?
Frances: Did you move into a time machine?
Louise: I’m not too old!
Frances: You’re right, you always hear about sixty-four year-olds giving birth. It was a minor miracle you were able to conceive Lauren!
Louise: Let’s not leave off on a fight.
Frances: You’re moving down the street. I wouldn’t break a sweat walking from my house to yours on a ninety-degree day.
Jimmy: Frances, I know we give one another a hard time, but I really appreciate how much help you’ve given us to get back on our feet. I will never forget it.
Frances: No. You’re not making me cry today. Not on the day I watch the Scream films back-to-back.
Jimmy: I mean it, thank you. And this is not the end -
Frances: Again, four houses away.
Jimmy: I’ll be here all the time.
Frances: As long as you also learn to knock
Louise: That’ll take some getting used to.
Frances: You have it in you. I know it!
What did you think of the season finale of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season premiere of Raymond Island next week!
