DARNELL is in his campaign’s headquarters with TOMMY and CASEY.
CASEY
Before you begin, can I say something?
DARNELL
You know I listen to my staff.
CASEY
Yeah about that…shouldn’t there be more than two of us on your team?
DARNELL
This is a barebones campaign. I know last time there were a couple more but how many people do we REALLY need to make sure I continue to look good?
TOMMY
Most campaigns have like, hundreds of people on them.
DARNELL
And most campaigns end in a loss. Come on, I need an update.
CASEY
Well, I gather enthusiasm for your campaign is pretty low right now.
DARNELL
I care about the people!
TOMMY
Do you?
DARNELL
Sure, alright so we have to get enthusiasm up, how do we do that?
TOMMY
For one you can try being a better candidate. Just being honest with you.
DARNELL
I appreciate your honest opinion. You’re wrong, but I appreciate it.
TOMMY
No, seriously. I’d say focus on the issues but you actually think these voters care about a so-called crisis at the Canadian border?
DARNELL
If we just hired more lifeguards less people would try to swim across, am I right?
CASEY
No! This is a disaster.
DARNELL
I know it’s a disaster, that’s why something has to be done about it!
CASEY
I meant your campaign. And also did you really convince yourself that it’s a problem when you barely know what you’re talking about?
DARNELL
I…I guess I did. Huh. Look at me being all politician like.
TOMMY
You gotta drop the whole swimming across the northern border thing though.
DARNELL
I’ll consider it. Don’t you guys ever have any good news for me?
CASEY
Your campaign did receive a nice boost in funding!
DARNELL
I don’t need funding, I’m rich! Who is it.
CASEY
It’s a women’s rights super PAC.
DARNELL
Women’s rights?! Did they just miss the entirety of my presidential run?
CASEY
Apparently so.
TOMMY
They could be donating to you ironically.
CASEY
Yeah or maybe playing the both sides thing to not appear partisan.
DARNELL
What party am I again?
TOMMY
You’re kidding right?
CASEY
Guess.
DARNELL
Well if I must…Rhino Party.
TOMMY
Spot on. But do yourself a favor and don’t let anyone know that. You are a hardcore, conservative Republican for this race.
DARNELL
I’m not a Rhino?
TOMMY
You are a RINO in that you’re a Republican In Name Only. But again, if you want to win, nobody gets to know that.
DARNELL
So if people start calling me a RINO, that’s bad?
TOMMY
Career-ending injury.
DARNELL
Oh boy. I better study up.
CASEY
Yeah. In the mean time, we could use some of that super PAC money to get you on TV.
DARNELL
Can’t we just reuse my presidential commercials?
CASEY
Absolutely not.
DARNELL
What about doing a podcast? I don’t think I’m ready for TV.
TOMMY
I don’t think you’re ready for a podcast either. But fine. We can train you.
DARNELL
Love to hear it. You know, I never knew you guys were Republicans.
CASEY
We’re not.