Let’s Get Presidential Season 2 Episode 3: Super PAC

 

DARNELL is in his campaign’s headquarters with TOMMY and CASEY.


CASEY

Before you begin, can I say something?


DARNELL

You know I listen to my staff.


CASEY

Yeah about that…shouldn’t there be more than two of us on your team? 


DARNELL

This is a barebones campaign. I know last time there were a couple more but how many people do we REALLY need to make sure I continue to look good? 


TOMMY

Most campaigns have like, hundreds of people on them. 


DARNELL

And most campaigns end in a loss. Come on, I need an update. 


CASEY

Well, I gather enthusiasm for your campaign is pretty low right now. 


DARNELL

I care about the people! 


TOMMY

Do you?


DARNELL

Sure, alright so we have to get enthusiasm up, how do we do that?


TOMMY

For one you can try being a better candidate. Just being honest with you. 


DARNELL

I appreciate your honest opinion. You’re wrong, but I appreciate it. 


TOMMY

No, seriously. I’d say focus on the issues but you actually think these voters care about a so-called crisis at the Canadian border?


DARNELL

If we just hired more lifeguards less people would try to swim across, am I right? 


CASEY

No! This is a disaster. 


DARNELL

I know it’s a disaster, that’s why something has to be done about it!


CASEY

I meant your campaign. And also did you really convince yourself that it’s a problem when you barely know what you’re talking about?


DARNELL

I…I guess I did. Huh. Look at me being all politician like. 


TOMMY

You gotta drop the whole swimming across the northern border thing though. 


DARNELL

I’ll consider it. Don’t you guys ever have any good news for me?


CASEY

Your campaign did receive a nice boost in funding!


DARNELL

I don’t need funding, I’m rich! Who is it. 


CASEY

It’s a women’s rights super PAC. 


DARNELL

Women’s rights?! Did they just miss the entirety of my presidential run?


CASEY

Apparently so. 


TOMMY

They could be donating to you ironically. 


CASEY

Yeah or maybe playing the both sides thing to not appear partisan. 


DARNELL

What party am I again?


TOMMY

You’re kidding right?


CASEY

Guess. 


DARNELL

Well if I must…Rhino Party. 


TOMMY

Spot on. But do yourself a favor and don’t let anyone know that. You are a hardcore, conservative Republican for this race. 


DARNELL

I’m not a Rhino?


TOMMY

You are a RINO in that you’re a Republican In Name Only. But again, if you want to win, nobody gets to know that. 


DARNELL

So if people start calling me a RINO, that’s bad?


TOMMY

Career-ending injury. 


DARNELL

Oh boy. I better study up. 


CASEY

Yeah. In the mean time, we could use some of that super PAC money to get you on TV. 


DARNELL

Can’t we just reuse my presidential commercials?


CASEY

Absolutely not. 


DARNELL

What about doing a podcast? I don’t think I’m ready for TV. 


TOMMY

I don’t think you’re ready for a podcast either. But fine. We can train you. 


DARNELL

Love to hear it. You know, I never knew you guys were Republicans. 


CASEY

We’re not. 

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