Frances pulls into the parking lot at the studio.
DeAnna: Frances! You’re late today!
Frances: I went for lunch, you buffoon.
DeAnna: You’re back from lunch at eleven o’clock in the morning?
Frances: Why are you so nosy?
DeAnna: Why are you so rude?
Frances: Are you serious?
DeAnna: We need to stop asking each other questions.
Frances: That would be a good start.
DeAnna: So, uh, you have a day. Not a nice one. Just a day.
Frances: You as well.
Frances walks into the studio.
Frances: Jane, can you get me a chai latte?
No one answers.
Frances: Jane?
No one answers.
Frances: JANE!
Marcia: She’s not here, Frances.
Frances: What do you mean she’s not here? Where’d she go?
Beverly: Well, there was a tragic accident while you were at lunch. I’m sorry, Frances.
Frances: Oh my god, really?
Beverly: No!
Frances: You bitch!
Beverly: I really got ya, didn’t I?
Frances: Ha! Frances has feelings! How silly! This is such a Beverly thing to joke about
Marcia: The joke was actually my idea.
Frances: No way. I expect cruelty from Beverly, she forces me to work for Charlie, but I would never expect from you! Not from my best friend!
Marcia: Don’t guilt me like that, Frannie.
Frances: So where is Jane?
Beverly: The owner of the apartment building called, she got the apartment she applied for and they needed her to get down there to sign the papers immediately. I let her borrow my car since you were her ride. Because I am nice!
Frances: First of all, no, you are not. Secondly, no, you are not. Third, you’re not getting your car back, she can’t drive to save her life. And most importantly, she never told me she found a place!
Marcia: You know Jane, she’s so scatterbrained. She probably forgot herself that she found a place until that guy called.
Frances: She may not be the brightest but it’s not like her to not tell me something like this. I didn’t even know she was seriously looking at places.
Beverly: She’s almost been living in your basement for a year. It’s a good thing that she’s finally getting out on her own. You might think she’s your own child but she’s not, she’s your assistant. Her moving out is a good thing.
Frances: I didn’t say it isn’t good she’s moving out. I said it’s strange she’s covering it up.
Marcia: It’s not like she can just move out without telling you. I’m sure she’ll tell you she got the apartment once she gets back from signing her papers.
Beverly: So we got to the bottom of this? Can we get back to filming the show now? We have a deadline to keep, you know.
Frances: I know, Beverly. I don’t think a two minute discussion about our co-worker is going to mess too much up.
Beverly: A two minute conversation with you can sometimes become a day-long affair, I’m just trying to keep things moving.
Frances: Yeah, yeah.
Beverly: I love how receptive you are.
Frances: So what the hell are we even doing with today’s show? I don’t remember.
Marcia: Please tell me you’re joking.
Frances: My mind is elsewhere. It’s thinking about important things, like how I need my chai latte!
Beverly: Hey, intern. Get Frances a latte. A chai one.
Frances: Who is that small man?
Beverly: New intern. He’s getting credits for college or something, I didn’t care enough to ask Charlie any questions. Hopefully he can memorize latte orders.
Frances: He can run pretty fast. Maybe he can be Jane’s replacement once she moves on from me?
Marcia: Stop it, Frances. She’s not moving on. She’s just getting her own apartment again. You’d known her for years and she’s only lived with you for ten months. It’s not like it’s strange for her to not be living with you. Things are just going back to normal.
Frances: I’ll believe that once I’m an empty nester again.
Marcia: You don't have children.
Frances: Jimmy and Louise act like children.
Marcia: That’s true.
Beverly: Frances, you’re getting your latte. Can we please get back to work now?
Frances: Yes, fine! If you insist, we can get to work!
Beverly: I hope it doesn’t inconvenience you to work at work.
Frances: Only a little.
Two hours later…
Marcia: Beverly, can we take five?
Beverly: You just talked to me during the shoot so we gotta take a break from filming anyway. Five minutes, that’s all. I do want to get home eventually. I have a family
Frances: So do I but you don’t hear me complaining about them all the time.
Beverly: Are… are you joking? That’s ninety percent of what we talk about.
Marcia: I just need a drink, I feel dehydrated.
Beverly: You could’ve done that during filming, there’s a full fridge right behind you.
Marcia: You know, I didn’t think of that.
Beverly: You’re acting a bit like Jane.
Jane: What about me?
Frances: Look who finally decided to show up to work!
Jane: I was here earlier, I just had to go do something quickly.
Frances: I know you were here earlier. I drove you here.
DeAnna: Frances, you really let your assistant go loose? When she’s supposed to be working?
Frances: Oh my god, who let you in here?
DeAnna: Jane left the door open. You know, it really isn’t good to leave the door to a baking show studio open. Bugs might fly in and ruin your food!
Frances: Yes, bugs such as yourself.
DeAnna: Ha, very funny.
Frances: I thought so.
Beverly: DeAnna, what are you doing here? We’re trying to film a show, why aren’t you?
DeAnna: I’ve already finished today’s shoot. I’m a fast and productive worker unlike ole’ Fran over there.
Frances: It’s Frances.
Marcia: I call ya Frannie all the time.
Frances: Not helpful.
DeAnna: I just thought I’d pop in to see if Jane got that apartment. It’s the neighborly thing to do.
Frances: Jane, you told DeAnna about the apartment?
Jane: I don’t understand the question.
Frances: Beverly told me where you were. You went to sign papers to rent an apartment. I didn’t even know you found a place.
Beverly: Guys, it’s gonna be more than five. Somewhere between fifteen and thirty. Stand by.
Jane: I didn’t want to tell you until I got it. I didn’t want to get your hopes up.
Frances: In a way that does make sense.
Beverly: Scratch that! Back down to five!
Frances: Did you get it?
Jane: I did! I’m moving out next week, you can finally have your basement back. I think it’s next week?
Marcia: Never change.
Frances: I’ve gotten so used to you living with us, I forgot it wasn’t always like this. I’m very happy for you, though. It’s like you’re growing up on me!
Beverly: Frances, she’s thirty.
Jane: I’m still not grown up completely, I think we all know that.
DeAnna: So should I see myself out or…?
Frances: Go!
DeAnna: Okay, you guys have a lovely day. Congrats on the apartment, Jane.
Frances: I said go!
Marcia: Have a nice day, DeAnna.
DeAnna: Thank you for having the bravery to be kind, you.
Marcia: And… she doesn’t know my name.
Frances: You’re too nice.
Jane: Frances, I want you and Greg and Louise and Jimmy and, uh -
Frances: Lauren
Jane: to come and see the place tonight with me. It’s really nice, you’ll love it.
Frances: I feel bad about leaving Marcia and Beverly out but I’d love to see it!
Beverly: Yeah, we saw it already.
Marcia: It’s such a cute little place!
Jane: They helped me make the decision to apply for it!
Frances: Oh! How… interesting!
Beverly: Can we get back to work now?
Marcia: I’m ready.
Frances: Fine. Let’s do whatever it is we were doing.
Marcia: You were making a quiche.
Frances: Oh, right. That is what I was doing before you interrupted me.
Marcia: I needed a drink! Do you want me to die of dehydration?
Frances: Sometimes.
Marcia: Wow! That’s very hurtful!
Beverly: That sounds like Frances to me.
Later that night, when Frances and Jane return home…
Jane: Everybody… can you all come out here?
Louise: Out where?
Jane: The living room.
Louise: I’m trying to make dinner.
Jimmy: Louise, just take a minute.
Lauren: Yeah, mom. It’s not that hard. It’s the courteous thing to do.
Louise: Okay, fine. Good lord, I don’t need any lectures on morality today.
Frances: You guys have your own guest house just steps away, why are you always in my house?
Jimmy: This is where all the fun’s at!
Louise: Is it?
Greg: Be nice to them, Frances. Louise is making us dinner tonight!
Frances: I’ve put up with a lot over the years from them, I have earned the right to mock them if I want to.
Jimmy: I agree with Frances. We’ve tortured her a lot.
Jane: Can I say my thing now that you’re all here?
Jimmy: Oh, go ahead, honey.
Jane: Okay, I want you all to know that I am finally moving out!
Louise: Oh my god, it’s been an eternity.
Frances: You don’t have room to talk, Louise.
Lauren: She’s right. You don’t.
Louise: You’re grounded.
Jane: I’ve loved living here but I don’t want to be a, what’s that word, birkin?
Greg: Burden?
Jane: That’s it. I don’t want to be a burden anymore for you guys.
Jimmy: Where are you moving?
Jane: I found a new apartment!
Jimmy: But where?
Louise: Yeah, who would give you a lease?
Jane: It’s like twenty minutes away. Close enough to visit whenever I wanna see you guys!
Greg: I'm really happy for you, Jane. I’ve really come to enjoy spending time with you but I think this is a nice way for you to get your life back on track and show that ex-girlfriend of yours that you are doing great!
Jane: Thank you, Greg. I’m so happy you let me stay here, I’ve had fun! I want to show you all my new place, I got a key today for it and I can move in anytime starting next week. I don’t have a lot of stuff so it should be a quick move!
Greg: When do you want to show us the place?
Louise: I’m quite morbidly curious to see this place.
Jane: As soon as possible! Tonight?
Jimmy: Let’s let Louise get to dinner and then we can go!
Louise: Sure, let Louise make the dinner for ya.
Jimmy: You were the one making it already.
Lauren: You getting forgetful, mom?
Louise: You ask me that far too often. I remember it every time.
Frances: I’ll help you with dinner, Louise.
Louise: What a doll you are!
Frances: That was far too sarcastic. Maybe I won’t help.
Louise: Sorry! You’re so appreciated, Frances.
Frances: That’s better.
Later that night, at Jane’s new apartment…
Jane: So this is it!
Louise: This is it! This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball!
Lauren: Dad, is mom broken?
Jimmy: I believe she’s singing the -
Louise: The theme song to One Day At a Time. Bonnie Franklin is a national treasure!
Lauren: Who?
Louise: I am so embarrassed to have raised a daughter who doesn’t respect someone who was such an integral part of television history.
Frances: Louise, can you let Jane show us around? You can argue about One Day At a Time when we get home.
Louise: No, I’m done. I got my thoughts out and I’m done.
Jimmy: And thank god for that.
Louise: Is that so?
Jimmy: No, I love you, honey. Talk all you want!
Lauren: No, don’t!
Jane: So -
Frances: Yes, Jane, please shut them up.
Jane: As I was saying, this is my new apartment!
Lauren: I think you have to open the door first.
Greg: Give her time!
Lauren: I think mom gave her plenty of time.
Jane: Okay, I am opening the door.
Louise: Do you need help with the key? Is it confusing you?
Jane: I got it, I got it.
Jane opens the door.
Jane: See, told ya!
Jimmy: Wow, she can open doors! Incredible!
Louise: I wouldn’t have bet on it.
Lauren: That’s so mean. Not that I don’t expect it from you.
Frances: Oh, Jane! This place is so nice! I don’t see any water stains on the wall or the ceiling. It has a balcony, it - well, that’s all I can see from here. But it’s nice!
Jane: Let’s go in!
Frances: Well, if you insist…
Louise: Wow, this is a nice place. Other than the pink walls, of course. Those can be fixed, right?
Jane: I didn’t ask.
Louise: Of course you didn’t.
Lauren: I think this is a big improvement over where you were living.
Frances: Hey! I have a nice basement!
Lauren: She actually has a kitchen and a bathroom here. She doesn’t have climb up stairs to do two of the most basic functions of a human being.
Jimmy: She’s got a bedroom, too.
Jane: That’s my favorite part. That couch in the basement is -
Louise: Old?
Jane: I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use.
Louise: Dwight Eisenhower was president when it was manufactured.
Jane: That reminds me, I need to buy a couch.
Frances: Honey, this place is big. Everything you own fits in two suitcases. You’ve got a lot of work to do.
Jimmy: Maybe she can take Frances’s couch!
Jane: Oh, I’ll pass.
Greg: Good answer.
Louise: I’m just looking around and this place is gorgeous. I know how cheap Frances is, how can you possibly afford it?
Jane: I guess I just got lucky.
Louise: I wish I could get lucky.
Frances: You live with me, you're the luckiest woman in the world.
Louise: Yes, the luckiest…
That night, when Frances and Greg are sitting in bed…
Frances: So, Greg.
Greg: You wanna…
Frances: God no.
Greg: Worth a shot.
Frances: Look at me, Greg. You might as well call me Whitney Houston because I’m so emotional.
Greg: Well, Whitney. What’s up?
Frances: I’m going to miss Jane!
Greg: You’ll still see her every day. That’s her job, after all.
Frances: It won’t be the same!
Greg: She didn’t always live with us, this was always supposed to be a temporary thing.
Frances: That’s what Beverly and Marcia told me but it doesn’t help. I’ve gotten used to having her here to laugh at.
Greg: I’m not a therapist but I feel like laughing at her is not what you’re going to miss about her.
Frances: Fine, she’s also a very lovely person who has brought job to our home. Is that good enough for you?
Greg: There’s no need to get hostile.
Frances: I feel like everyone is abandoning me.
Greg: That’s not happening at all, it’s just one person moving into a place of their own.
Frances: Is this how parents feel when their kids move out? No wonder my mom was such a bitch.
Greg: No, your mother was - that’s not important.
Frances: Please finish the sentence.
Greg: I don’t think that would be smart.
Frances: Fine, be a coward.
Greg: You know, when I was a kid, I was very upset when Marcia moved out. It worked out for the best because look at us now.
Frances: You and Marcia are connected by blood.
Greg: No, I’m adopted.
Frances: That’s right, I always forget.
Greg: How?
Frances: I don’t see race.
Greg: You know what you will see? Jane, every day.
Frances: I’ve been told.
Greg: It’s gonna be okay, Frances.
Frances: Hey, what is that sound?
Greg: I think it’s Jane playing her music.
Frances: On second thought, maybe I am glad she’s going.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return next week for another new episode!
