The Bullpen Season 4 Episode 9: Robert’s First Game

 

ROBERT, FELIX, ACE, LORENZO, DEVIN, HARRY, MANNY, and CHARLES are all sitting in the bullpen at an Indianapolis Primitives’ home game. It is the 12th inning, and once again the Primitives have put in a position player to pitch. 


FELIX
This is getting kind of ridiculous. Did you guys know I used to be a starter?


DEVIN
You told us many times. 


FELIX

I was one of the stars of the team! And now they won’t even let me pitch, all because I blew ONE World Championship. 


ACE
Felix, if it makes you feel any better, at least you didn’t have to trade in your uniform because someone else wanted the number. 


FELIX
Why would they ever happen? That’d be quite the jerk move. On second thought…


CHARLES

I probably shouldn’t say this, but I actually enjoy having every starter be unstoppable. 


FELIX
Not the time, Charles. Aren’t you sick of it? This bullpen has always sucked at pitching. 


ROBERT
Actually…not always. 


FELIX

Yes, always. In the four years I’ve been here, it’s been nothing but shenanigans. 


ROBERT
I’ve been here six years and I can tell you from experience that this bullpen has not always been bad. In fact, it was quite good at the beginning. 


CHARLES

I vaguely remember the Primitives having a good bullpen once too. Don’t ask me what happened though. 


ROBERT
I know what happened. 


LORENZO

Actually Robert, since you’re a bad pitcher the bullpen was bad. 


ROBERT

I was the beginning of it all. Our first bad relief pitcher. Well, the first one they knew was gonna be bad from the beginning at least. I still remember my first day. I got traded midseason around six years ago today, and I had no clue what I was in for. 


ACE
Who’d the Primitives give away to get you? 


ROBERT
A cotton candy machine. 


LORENZO

WHAT?!?! You mean to tell me there used to be another cotton candy machine?!?! Thanks a lot, Robert. 


ROBERT

I’m kidding! I knew that’d get you to freak. They traded a couple late-round draft picks. Nothing special. It was when the team started to realize they were short on money. 


CHARLES

I consider the golden age of the Primitives to have begun around six years ago, so you might be onto something Robert. 


ROBERT
Oh, I am. Adjusted for inflation, I entered this team as the lowest-played player in franchise history. Everyone else was at least a solid reliever except for myself. 


FELIX

So you were the beginning of the end of this bullpen, basically. 


ROBERT
Yeah, I guess you can say that. 


LORENZO

What do you mean, beginning of the end? That was the beginning of the beginning! 


MANNY

So Robert, the team wasn’t all into getting the five best starting pitchers in the league when you came here? 


ROBERT

No, only a few. Shouldn’t you have known that? 


MANNY

I’m more into giving generic positive pep talks. 


ROBERT
Time for the rest of my story—


HARRY
Nope, that’s it for me. I’m leaving. Usually you guys do stupid things to entertain me. 


DEVIN
Me too, your story isn’t funny Robert. I want to hear Lorenzo tell a story!


LORENZO

If you insist! Let me think of one…


ROBERT
Dear God. Point is, since I got here the team has focused less and less on its bullpen and more on its starting pitchers. An odd strategy, but it’s working for them. 


ACE
Let me get this straight: you did really bad and they decided instead of getting rid of you, they’d get rid of the rest of their bullpen and build a new one around you?


ROBERT
Pretty much, yeah. 


ACE

Well Harry and Devin really did miss the funny part!


MANNY
Now that the funny part happened, I’m leaving. Happy Anniversary, Robert. 


ACE, CHARLES, and FELIX also wish ROBERT a happy anniversary and get up and leave with MANNY. 


LORENZO

Happy Anniversary, Robert!


ROBERT
Thank you, Lorenzo. 


LORENZO 

This bullpen would not be the same without you. 


ROBERT
That means a lot. 


LORENZO

And it REALLY would not be the same without me! Now what do you say I leave? 


ROBERT
You don’t need my permission. I’m leaving too. 


LORENZO and ROBERT leave, leaving the bullpen empty for the remainder of the game. 

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