Frances in the Kitchen Season 2 Episode 3 - Network Retreat in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen
 Season 2, Episode 3
Network Retreat in the Kitchen

Frances and Marcia are taking a break on the set of Frances in the Kitchen.

Jane: Frances, your coffee!

Frances: I asked for tea, Jane. Just like every day.

Jane: Oh, that’s right. It’s tea.

Marcia: Sure it is.

Jane: It is!

Frances: Hand it here, I’ll be able to tell the difference.

Beverly: Hey, I know you’re having a very intense conversation about… something, I’m sure -

Marcia: Whether Jane got tea or coffee.

Beverly: Fascinating.

Frances: Oh, it is tea!

Jane: I told you!

Frances: You telling me it was coffee was the only reason I thought it was coffee to begin with.

Jane: Why cant’ you guys just give me a break?

Beverly: I have some news to share! You're all going to be very excited!

Marcia: The network is replacing the air conditioning in here?

Beverly: Not yet but they’re working on it!

Marcia: Another week of putting ice packs in my bra, I guess.

Frances: Please tell me you’re not really doing that.

Marcia: I wish I could.

Frances: Good lord.

Beverly: Can I tell you my thing now?

Jane: See, Beverly They’re so rude.

DeAnna: We’ve going to Aspen!

Beverly: You bitch!

Frances: What is this “we” you speak of?

Charlie: Hello, girls!

Beverly: How do people keep getting in here?

Frances: Someone, define “we.”

DeAnna: The whole network, you idiot.

Charlie: Girls, don’t fight.

Frances: You’re telling me I’m going to be stuck in Aspen with DeAnna. I’m gonna fight you.

Charlie: All of the network personalities are going on a retreat there, it’s gonna be a fun, happy time. There is absolutely no need to fight anyone over it.

DeAnna: Yeah, Frances. It’ll be fun! Vacations are fun!

Frances: Not when you’re around.

DeAnna: Hey, I’m not too thrilled about having to see you on my vacation either but I will make it work.

Charlie: This is a work trip, girls. Not a vacation!

Beverly: Don’t rain on our parade!

Marcia: Charlie, please fix the AC, I’m dying in here!

Frances: Charlie, you can ignore her because I need my question answered.

Charlie: What question? You didn’t ask a question.

Frances: Who all can go on this trip? Can we bring our families?

Charlie: Everyone gets a plus-one, no more than that. You can pay for additional people to come if you want, but the rooms only have one bed so it probably won’t be comfortable.

Frances: Okay, good. I get some time away from my family.

Jane: Do I get to come?

Charlie: You’re an employee of the network, you do get to come even if you aren’t an on-air personality.

Jane: Yay! I can’t wait to go skiing!

Marcia: Honey, it’s July.

Charlie: I need to get back to work, but I’ll see you all in Aspen. Here are your plane tickets, we Sunday, July 31.

Frances: That’s so soon! Ten days!

Charlie: Get packing!

Later that night, when Frances returns home…

Lauren: Aunt Frances, you look tired. It’s only five o’clock. Rough day?

Frances: I had to see DeAnna, so, yeah.

Jimmy: What is it with DeAnna? Why do you hate her so intensely?

Frances: She knows why.

Greg: Sweetie, dinner’s almost ready. Maybe you should get ready.

Frances: I can eat in my day clothes, Gregory. It’s not like I work down at the quarry.

Greg: It was just a suggestion. I want you to be comfortable.

Frances: I’m plenty comfortable.

Louise: So how was your day? Seems like it was great, you’re in a tremendous mood.

Frances: I have some news.

Jimmy: You're moving?

Frances: Explain to me how I would move, but you wouldn’t. Just spell it out, please.

Jimmy: Wow, she really is in a tough mood.

Frances: I’m going to Aspen for a week-long network retreat.

Jimmy: That’s amazing!

Louise: What are we going to do in Aspen in the summer?

Frances: That’s the thing! You guys are not going!

Greg: What about me?

Frances: You can go.

Louise: Excuse me? Greg gets to go and enjoy the beautiful sights of Aspen in August but we can’t?

Frances: Well, he’s my husband.

Greg: Aww.

Louise: I know he’s your husband, but why does he get to go and not us?

Frances: Workplaces don’t often give out plus fours.

Louise: You’re rich. You can pay our way.

Lauren: Mom, we’re not going. Give it up already.

Jimmy: Honey, we’ll have a nice week here at home, just us three.

Louise: Like how it was before we lost everything and had to move in with your sister!

Jimmy: Exactly!

Frances: Glad to see you’ve all come to terms with not going on my work trip.

Louise: I’m glad, too. We work so well together as a family.

Lauren: Aunt Frances, why did you see so upset about going?

Frances: Well, DeAnna is going.

Jimmy: Oh boy…

Louise: You’re talking her but not us?

Frances: Sadly, she’s an employee of the network. Charlie had to invite her. I’d rather go on a trip with Satan himself than with DeAnna. At least you know what you’re gonna get with Satan.

Louise: Not buying it.

Greg: Louise, she would never exclude you.

Jimmy: Probably.

Frances: I really wouldn’t. Now, can we drop this and enjoy our dinner? I don’t want to talk about how close I’m going to be to DeAnna.

Louise: I don’t want to talk about being abandoned by my dear sister-in-law, either. It’s best to drop it.

Frances: Glad we’re on the same page!

Ten days later…

Frances: Honey, I love you but you better get your ass moving because I am not missing this trip. What are you doing?

Greg: Frances…

Frances: Something’s wrong. I can hear it in your voice.

Greg: I feel like I’m dying.

Frances: Please don’t die on the bathroom floor. It would be so embarrassing to have the coroner come in here.

Greg: I can’t fly like this.

Frances: What do you mean you can’t fly? Just make like an eagle and fly, babe!

Greg: I’m throwing up, Frances. I can’t get on an airplane.

Frances: That is not ideal but I don’t see it as something that disqualifies you from going to Aspen.

Greg: I’m not going, find someone else.

Frances: How do you suppose I should do that? I have to leave in an hour.

Greg: Louise…

Frances: Are you sure you don’t feel well enough to go?

Greg: Louise.

Frances: I’ll go ask her…

Frances knocks on the door of Jimmy and Louise’s guest house.

Jimmy: Frances! I thought you’d be at the airport by now.

Frances: Well…

Lauren: You wanted to see us one last time, I’m sure. That way you could remember what you’re escaping and have an even better time.

Frances: Is Louise here?

Jimmy: I’ll get her.

Louise: I don’t want to be reminded of the trip I’m being excluded from!

Jimmy: Just come out.

Louise: Fine.

Frances: Louise, I need you to answer quickly and if you say rush, hurry like crazy.

Louise: What are you asking me?

Frances: You may as well be called REO Speedwagon, because it’s time for you to fly!

Jimmy: His name’s Kevin Cronin, Frances, not REO Speedwagon. That’s the band.

Louise: I ask again: what are you asking me?

Jimmy: Greg is sick and can’t go, would you like to come with to Aspen?

Louise: Yes! Let me grab my bag!

Frances: Grab it? Don't you have to pack?

Louise: Oh, I’ve been packed. Let’s go, Frannie!

Frances: Did you poison my husband?

Louise: Of course not!

Lauren: She may have.

Jimmy: It sounds like something she’d do.

Louise: Don’t be silly, I don’t want to go that badly!

Frances: She’s a sociopath but she’s not that bad, I believe her.

Lauren: You shouldn’t.

Frances: Let’s get to the airport!

At the airport…

Beverly: Oh, look. Frances is here.

Marcia: At laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast…

Frances: I am thirty minutes early!

Marcia: We’re just giving you hell, Jane isn’t here yet either.

Frances: What a shock.

Beverly: I hesitate to ask this, Frances, but where is your husband? We do have to leave soon.

Louise: Frances, why’d you run in without me?

Marcia: My brother looks different. Much whiter, a bit more feminine, slightly old-

Louise: Don’t finish that.

Frances: She will kill you. She poisoned Greg to be here.

Marcia: You poisoned my brother?

Louise: I did not! Jimmy can vouch for me.

Marcia: I don’t really care that much.

Beverly: It’s sweet how much she cares for her brother.

Earl (Beverly’s husband): Honey, are we gonna go and check in?

Marcia: Oh my god, Earl spoke!

Frances: Louise, you don’t know how rare this is.

Louise: I don’t know and I don’t care too much. I just want to get to Colorado!

Jane: I’m here, everyone! Marcia texted me so many times and said she was worried but I’m finally here!

Beverly: Marcia, why’d you do that? We’re running early.

Marcia: I’m a bitch.

Louise: You mean tell me Jane didn’t use her plus-one and you still weren’t gonna take me with?

Jane: I didn’t get a plus-one.

Marcia: Neither did I but no one asked me where my husband was!

Beverly: We barely even notice him if he is present! Now, let’s go check in so we can get to the plane. We’re not getting left behind at LAX.

Frances: That’s a good plan, wish I thought of it!

One hour later, at the gate…

DeAnna: Frances, you got here early! And you brought the… these people.

Frances: Kill me now.

DeAnna: Am I really that bad?

Jane: You’re the meanest, most miserable person I’ve ever met!

DeAnna: Aww.

Beverly: Let’s all just get along, we don’t need to make a scene at the airport terminal.

DeAnna: It’s LAX, they’ve seen far worse. This place is a jungle.

Marcia: Why are you here flying on a public airline with us commoners? You’re so uppity, I’m sure you have a private jet.

DeAnna: I’m not wasteful, Frances minion whose name I don’t remember.

Jane: It’s Marcia!

DeAnna: Like I care. I’m not going to have to see any of you people on this plane because I’m flying first-class. Charlie’s taking care of me because I’m his star.

Louise: Is she always like this?

Marcia: Always.

Jane: Always.

Louise: Clock her! That’s how we deal with bitches in Jersey.

DeAnna: Your skinny little ass couldn’t take me. You look like one of the spooky, scary skeletons.

Jane: Body shaming is not okay!

DeAnna: Being as stupid as you are isn’t okay either and yet, here ya are!

Marcia: She’s meaner today.

DeAnna: Prolonged exposure to you idiots will do that to a person.

Frances: Can’t you go get a pretzel or something to give us some relief? This plane doesn’t leave for another half-hour.

DeAnna: I have a refined palate, I’m not eating some cheap junk food from an airport.

Frances: At least go somewhere else. Anywhere else. I don’t want to see you.

Louise: I can hit her if you want.

DeAnna: Try me.

Louise: I’m not going to do that because I’m a lady.

DeAnna What a pu-

Beverly: I think I’m going to get a magazine to read. Something to entertain me while we sit here.

Marcia: Let’s all do that! We can sit here silently and wait.

Frances: Sounds good to me…

DeAnna: As long as I don’t have to sit somewhere that I’d have to look past Frances, I can make it work.

Thirty minutes later…

Pam (gate agent): We’re now boarding first class passengers!

DeAnna: I’ll see you all later, chumps.

Louise: I really could hit her if you wanted me to.

Frances: We don’t need you to get arrested today, Louise.

Louise: I don’t mind.

Frances: You’d miss Aspen.

Louise: Okay, then I won’t do it.

Marcia: We wouldn’t know what to do without you!

Louise: That reminds me, Frances.

Frances: Oh boy…

Louise: I want the window seat.

Frances: I don’t care.

Louise: Thank you! I love looking out the window.

Beverly: Me too. I love to look out and ponder our impending doom.

Louise: That’s not why I love it. 

Pam: Ma’am, this is not a first class ticket. This is a coach ticket. 

DeAnna: Excuse me? I am a first class passenger!

Pam: That ain’t what the ticket says. It says you’re in row 14, seat H. That’s coach. Now, go sit and wait until we board coach.

DeAnna: Don’t you have any open first class seats? I’ll pay my way.

Pam: Not today, sorry.

DeAnna: This is an OUTRAGE.

Frances: Ha, what an idiot.

Louise: Hey, aren’t we in 14 J and 14 K?

Beverly: Ya sure are!

Frances: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!

To be continued… 

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return next week for another new episode!

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