Frances and Marcia are taking a break on the set of Frances in the Kitchen.
Jane: Frances, your coffee!
Frances: I asked for tea, Jane. Just like every day.
Jane: Oh, that’s right. It’s tea.
Marcia: Sure it is.
Jane: It is!
Frances: Hand it here, I’ll be able to tell the difference.
Beverly: Hey, I know you’re having a very intense conversation about… something, I’m sure -
Marcia: Whether Jane got tea or coffee.
Beverly: Fascinating.
Frances: Oh, it is tea!
Jane: I told you!
Frances: You telling me it was coffee was the only reason I thought it was coffee to begin with.
Jane: Why cant’ you guys just give me a break?
Beverly: I have some news to share! You're all going to be very excited!
Marcia: The network is replacing the air conditioning in here?
Beverly: Not yet but they’re working on it!
Marcia: Another week of putting ice packs in my bra, I guess.
Frances: Please tell me you’re not really doing that.
Marcia: I wish I could.
Frances: Good lord.
Beverly: Can I tell you my thing now?
Jane: See, Beverly They’re so rude.
DeAnna: We’ve going to Aspen!
Beverly: You bitch!
Frances: What is this “we” you speak of?
Charlie: Hello, girls!
Beverly: How do people keep getting in here?
Frances: Someone, define “we.”
DeAnna: The whole network, you idiot.
Charlie: Girls, don’t fight.
Frances: You’re telling me I’m going to be stuck in Aspen with DeAnna. I’m gonna fight you.
Charlie: All of the network personalities are going on a retreat there, it’s gonna be a fun, happy time. There is absolutely no need to fight anyone over it.
DeAnna: Yeah, Frances. It’ll be fun! Vacations are fun!
Frances: Not when you’re around.
DeAnna: Hey, I’m not too thrilled about having to see you on my vacation either but I will make it work.
Charlie: This is a work trip, girls. Not a vacation!
Beverly: Don’t rain on our parade!
Marcia: Charlie, please fix the AC, I’m dying in here!
Frances: Charlie, you can ignore her because I need my question answered.
Charlie: What question? You didn’t ask a question.
Frances: Who all can go on this trip? Can we bring our families?
Charlie: Everyone gets a plus-one, no more than that. You can pay for additional people to come if you want, but the rooms only have one bed so it probably won’t be comfortable.
Frances: Okay, good. I get some time away from my family.
Jane: Do I get to come?
Charlie: You’re an employee of the network, you do get to come even if you aren’t an on-air personality.
Jane: Yay! I can’t wait to go skiing!
Marcia: Honey, it’s July.
Charlie: I need to get back to work, but I’ll see you all in Aspen. Here are your plane tickets, we Sunday, July 31.
Frances: That’s so soon! Ten days!
Charlie: Get packing!
Later that night, when Frances returns home…
Lauren: Aunt Frances, you look tired. It’s only five o’clock. Rough day?
Frances: I had to see DeAnna, so, yeah.
Jimmy: What is it with DeAnna? Why do you hate her so intensely?
Frances: She knows why.
Greg: Sweetie, dinner’s almost ready. Maybe you should get ready.
Frances: I can eat in my day clothes, Gregory. It’s not like I work down at the quarry.
Greg: It was just a suggestion. I want you to be comfortable.
Frances: I’m plenty comfortable.
Louise: So how was your day? Seems like it was great, you’re in a tremendous mood.
Frances: I have some news.
Jimmy: You're moving?
Frances: Explain to me how I would move, but you wouldn’t. Just spell it out, please.
Jimmy: Wow, she really is in a tough mood.
Frances: I’m going to Aspen for a week-long network retreat.
Jimmy: That’s amazing!
Louise: What are we going to do in Aspen in the summer?
Frances: That’s the thing! You guys are not going!
Greg: What about me?
Frances: You can go.
Louise: Excuse me? Greg gets to go and enjoy the beautiful sights of Aspen in August but we can’t?
Frances: Well, he’s my husband.
Greg: Aww.
Louise: I know he’s your husband, but why does he get to go and not us?
Frances: Workplaces don’t often give out plus fours.
Louise: You’re rich. You can pay our way.
Lauren: Mom, we’re not going. Give it up already.
Jimmy: Honey, we’ll have a nice week here at home, just us three.
Louise: Like how it was before we lost everything and had to move in with your sister!
Jimmy: Exactly!
Frances: Glad to see you’ve all come to terms with not going on my work trip.
Louise: I’m glad, too. We work so well together as a family.
Lauren: Aunt Frances, why did you see so upset about going?
Frances: Well, DeAnna is going.
Jimmy: Oh boy…
Louise: You’re talking her but not us?
Frances: Sadly, she’s an employee of the network. Charlie had to invite her. I’d rather go on a trip with Satan himself than with DeAnna. At least you know what you’re gonna get with Satan.
Louise: Not buying it.
Greg: Louise, she would never exclude you.
Jimmy: Probably.
Frances: I really wouldn’t. Now, can we drop this and enjoy our dinner? I don’t want to talk about how close I’m going to be to DeAnna.
Louise: I don’t want to talk about being abandoned by my dear sister-in-law, either. It’s best to drop it.
Frances: Glad we’re on the same page!
Ten days later…
Frances: Honey, I love you but you better get your ass moving because I am not missing this trip. What are you doing?
Greg: Frances…
Frances: Something’s wrong. I can hear it in your voice.
Greg: I feel like I’m dying.
Frances: Please don’t die on the bathroom floor. It would be so embarrassing to have the coroner come in here.
Greg: I can’t fly like this.
Frances: What do you mean you can’t fly? Just make like an eagle and fly, babe!
Greg: I’m throwing up, Frances. I can’t get on an airplane.
Frances: That is not ideal but I don’t see it as something that disqualifies you from going to Aspen.
Greg: I’m not going, find someone else.
Frances: How do you suppose I should do that? I have to leave in an hour.
Greg: Louise…
Frances: Are you sure you don’t feel well enough to go?
Greg: Louise.
Frances: I’ll go ask her…
Frances knocks on the door of Jimmy and Louise’s guest house.
Jimmy: Frances! I thought you’d be at the airport by now.
Frances: Well…
Lauren: You wanted to see us one last time, I’m sure. That way you could remember what you’re escaping and have an even better time.
Frances: Is Louise here?
Jimmy: I’ll get her.
Louise: I don’t want to be reminded of the trip I’m being excluded from!
Jimmy: Just come out.
Louise: Fine.
Frances: Louise, I need you to answer quickly and if you say rush, hurry like crazy.
Louise: What are you asking me?
Frances: You may as well be called REO Speedwagon, because it’s time for you to fly!
Jimmy: His name’s Kevin Cronin, Frances, not REO Speedwagon. That’s the band.
Louise: I ask again: what are you asking me?
Jimmy: Greg is sick and can’t go, would you like to come with to Aspen?
Louise: Yes! Let me grab my bag!
Frances: Grab it? Don't you have to pack?
Louise: Oh, I’ve been packed. Let’s go, Frannie!
Frances: Did you poison my husband?
Louise: Of course not!
Lauren: She may have.
Jimmy: It sounds like something she’d do.
Louise: Don’t be silly, I don’t want to go that badly!
Frances: She’s a sociopath but she’s not that bad, I believe her.
Lauren: You shouldn’t.
Frances: Let’s get to the airport!
At the airport…
Beverly: Oh, look. Frances is here.
Marcia: At laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast…
Frances: I am thirty minutes early!
Marcia: We’re just giving you hell, Jane isn’t here yet either.
Frances: What a shock.
Beverly: I hesitate to ask this, Frances, but where is your husband? We do have to leave soon.
Louise: Frances, why’d you run in without me?
Marcia: My brother looks different. Much whiter, a bit more feminine, slightly old-
Louise: Don’t finish that.
Frances: She will kill you. She poisoned Greg to be here.
Marcia: You poisoned my brother?
Louise: I did not! Jimmy can vouch for me.
Marcia: I don’t really care that much.
Beverly: It’s sweet how much she cares for her brother.
Earl (Beverly’s husband): Honey, are we gonna go and check in?
Marcia: Oh my god, Earl spoke!
Frances: Louise, you don’t know how rare this is.
Louise: I don’t know and I don’t care too much. I just want to get to Colorado!
Jane: I’m here, everyone! Marcia texted me so many times and said she was worried but I’m finally here!
Beverly: Marcia, why’d you do that? We’re running early.
Marcia: I’m a bitch.
Louise: You mean tell me Jane didn’t use her plus-one and you still weren’t gonna take me with?
Jane: I didn’t get a plus-one.
Marcia: Neither did I but no one asked me where my husband was!
Beverly: We barely even notice him if he is present! Now, let’s go check in so we can get to the plane. We’re not getting left behind at LAX.
Frances: That’s a good plan, wish I thought of it!
One hour later, at the gate…
DeAnna: Frances, you got here early! And you brought the… these people.
Frances: Kill me now.
DeAnna: Am I really that bad?
Jane: You’re the meanest, most miserable person I’ve ever met!
DeAnna: Aww.
Beverly: Let’s all just get along, we don’t need to make a scene at the airport terminal.
DeAnna: It’s LAX, they’ve seen far worse. This place is a jungle.
Marcia: Why are you here flying on a public airline with us commoners? You’re so uppity, I’m sure you have a private jet.
DeAnna: I’m not wasteful, Frances minion whose name I don’t remember.
Jane: It’s Marcia!
DeAnna: Like I care. I’m not going to have to see any of you people on this plane because I’m flying first-class. Charlie’s taking care of me because I’m his star.
Louise: Is she always like this?
Marcia: Always.
Jane: Always.
Louise: Clock her! That’s how we deal with bitches in Jersey.
DeAnna: Your skinny little ass couldn’t take me. You look like one of the spooky, scary skeletons.
Jane: Body shaming is not okay!
DeAnna: Being as stupid as you are isn’t okay either and yet, here ya are!
Marcia: She’s meaner today.
DeAnna: Prolonged exposure to you idiots will do that to a person.
Frances: Can’t you go get a pretzel or something to give us some relief? This plane doesn’t leave for another half-hour.
DeAnna: I have a refined palate, I’m not eating some cheap junk food from an airport.
Frances: At least go somewhere else. Anywhere else. I don’t want to see you.
Louise: I can hit her if you want.
DeAnna: Try me.
Louise: I’m not going to do that because I’m a lady.
DeAnna What a pu-
Beverly: I think I’m going to get a magazine to read. Something to entertain me while we sit here.
Marcia: Let’s all do that! We can sit here silently and wait.
Frances: Sounds good to me…
DeAnna: As long as I don’t have to sit somewhere that I’d have to look past Frances, I can make it work.
Thirty minutes later…
Pam (gate agent): We’re now boarding first class passengers!
DeAnna: I’ll see you all later, chumps.
Louise: I really could hit her if you wanted me to.
Frances: We don’t need you to get arrested today, Louise.
Louise: I don’t mind.
Frances: You’d miss Aspen.
Louise: Okay, then I won’t do it.
Marcia: We wouldn’t know what to do without you!
Louise: That reminds me, Frances.
Frances: Oh boy…
Louise: I want the window seat.
Frances: I don’t care.
Louise: Thank you! I love looking out the window.
Beverly: Me too. I love to look out and ponder our impending doom.
Louise: That’s not why I love it.
Pam: Ma’am, this is not a first class ticket. This is a coach ticket.
DeAnna: Excuse me? I am a first class passenger!
Pam: That ain’t what the ticket says. It says you’re in row 14, seat H. That’s coach. Now, go sit and wait until we board coach.
DeAnna: Don’t you have any open first class seats? I’ll pay my way.
Pam: Not today, sorry.
DeAnna: This is an OUTRAGE.
Frances: Ha, what an idiot.
Louise: Hey, aren’t we in 14 J and 14 K?
Beverly: Ya sure are!
Frances: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!
To be continued…
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