Frances and Jane pull into the parking lot.
Frances: My god, it really is a blessed day. No DeAnna at long last.
Jane: She's usually out here waiting for her latte. I hope she’s okay.
Frances: Eh. I don’t necessarily want her dead, but, you know. If she is, I won’t cry over it.
Jane: I don’t know if I would.
Frances and Jane walk into the studio.
DeAnna: Frances!
Frances: Good god. What are you doing in here? Didn’t you see the sign?
DeAnna: The “No DeAnnas welcome” sign? I don’t think that’s legally binding.
Frances: Beverly, why did you let her in?
Beverly: Don’t you know what we’re doing today?
Frances: Showing me what hell is like?
Jane: I don’t believe in hell.
Frances: I didn’t either before today.
Charlotte: It’s the big anniversary show. How did you forget?
Marcia: She’s been drinking again.
Frances: I have not been! I simply actively chose to forget that this was happening because it’s a nightmare.
DeAnna: Come on, Frances, I’m not that bad!
Frances: Debatable.
Beverly: Unlike most episodes, this will be a two-day shoot.
Frances: Of course it will be. Whose idea was it to invite her, anyway?
Beverly: Not mine, don’t kill me.
Frances: So it was Marcia!
Marcia: I just remembered I have to make a phone call.
Frances: Not so fast.
Beverly: No, be fast! We need to get to filming.
Frances: You are not helping today, Beverly.
Beverly: I pride myself on it, actually. I like being a pain.
Frances: When is my superfine getting here to film the anniversary show?
Beverly: Tomorrow. Today we’re only filming the first hour.
DeAnna: It’s two hours? What about -
Beverly: Your show is going to take the night off.
DeAnna: Charlie will never allow that! Well, he won’t allow it to happen again.
Charlie: Yes I will!
Frances: Now this, this I like.
Marcia: See, I did this.
Beverly: No, you didn’t! I’m the one who suggested an anniversary show.
Marcia: You really aren’t being helpful today! I’m trying to keep Frances from cutting my brakes!
Frances: I would never cut your brakes.
Marcia: That’s nice.
Frances: I like to see the life leave my victims.
DeAnna: Don’t be afraid of her! If she was really a killer, I’d be long dead.
Frances: This is the first time I will ever say this: DeAnna is right.
Charlie: Are you gals gonna get to filming? I’m a busy man and I’m taking time out of my schedule to be here.
Beverly: Of course, Charlie. Frances is just going to her dressing room now. Right, Frances?
Frances: Yes! On my way right now. It’ll give me some needed time away from DeAnna.
DeAnna: You all see how she came after me from the start, right? I did not start it today.
Marcia: We saw. We don’t care, but we saw.
DeAnna: See, now you’re pandering to her her to like you again.
Marcia: I sure am! She scares me.
Frances: Aww…
Charlie: Actually, you know what? Frances, can we talk in Beverly’s dressing room? Beverly knows what this is about.
Beverly: I do?
Charlie: The ren-
Beverly: Okay, yeah.
Jane: Looks like someone doesn’t know what he wants!
Beverly: Jane, no!
Jane: Sorry, Charlie.
Frances: We can talk, yes. Again, I value any and all time away from DeAnna.
In Beverly’s office…
Frances: What’s this about? I don’t usually get called in here. Especially not by you, Charlie.
Charlie: It’s nothing bad, honey.
Frances: That’s something, at least.
Charlie: As you know, you’re the #1 show on TBC.
Frances: And very proud of that!
Charlie: Your contract is up after this tenth season. You’re a smart woman, I’m sure you knew that already.
Frances: Sure did, Chuck!
Charlie: We are rebranding and shaking up our programming slate, but it’s my job to make sure we also keep our current hits on the lineup.
Beverly: I like the way this is sounding!
Charlie: Frances, you’re our most valuable asset and we want you around for a long time. That’s why I’m offering you a five-year contract, with a full five-season pickup for Frances in the Kitchen. Obviously, you can bring in your lawyers and I’ll bring mine and we can all discuss the terms and a potential pay raise, but I wanted to give you a heads up and let you know that we want you on TBC for a long time.
Frances: That’s very kind. I’ll have to think about it.
Charlie: Think about it? That’s not very encouraging.
Frances: All I’m saying is that I don’t know if I want to commit to five whole years. I’ll think about it.
Charlie: All right, that’s all I wanted to say. You can go get all pretty for the show now.
Frances: Thank you, Charlie.
Beverly: Don’t screw this up, Frances.
Frances: Don’t threaten me, Beverly.
That night, during dinner at Frances’ house…
Greg: How’d your day go, Frances?
Frances: You done talking about Little Shop of Horrors, Lauren?
Lauren: Yes, I’m done.
Louise: Thank god, that story was horrendous. Sorry, dear.
Lauren: I just thought it was funny that Jimmy Fitzsimmons has been cast in the show for way longer than me but he still keeps calling me “Aubrey” instead of “Audrey.”
Louise: It wasn’t funnier the second time, FYI.
Frances: Anyway, my day was horrible.
Greg: What happened?
Frances: I had to work with the Wicked Witch herself.
Jimmy: DeAnna?
Frances: I love how you’ve learned so quickly.
Jane: She was horrible today, you guys.
Louise: What did she do? Park in Frances’ parking spot again?
Frances: No, her spot is way closer to the studio than mine is. I’m quite sick of it, really.
Louise: Then what did she do?
Frances: So, Marcia had the brilliant idea to invite DeAnna onto the anniversary show to hype it up. I forgot that until I went into work today. I acted like a mega bitch to her because I hate her guts.
Jimmy: So far it’s not sounding like DeAnna actually did anything.
Frances: I take back everything I said about you learning. Let me talk!
Jimmy: All right, sorry to interrupt you, sis.
Frances: We’re filming, and it’s already been a rough day because I had to see her to begin with, but she keeps stepping in from of my trying to steal the spotlight from me on my own show. I try to just brush off the passive-aggressive actions like always -
Greg: Ha!
Frances: What’s so funny?
Greg: Jimmy told me a joke earlier, I just got it now.
Frances: Sure. Anywho, I’m ignoring DeAnna’s whole… DeAnna-ness, but she keeps stepping in front of me and getting in my way when I’m baking. Then, it happens.
Jimmy: She shot you! She shot you, didn’t she?
Frances: Do I look like I got shot?
Louise: Don’t answer that!
Frances: I don’t look that bad!
Louise: Eh… you’ve looked better.
Lauren: What happened, Aunt Frances?
Frances: She cut to commercial. She said “Frances in the Kitchen will be right back.”
Jane: Tell her what happened next.
Frances: This was not my proudest moment.
Louise: Spit it out now. You’re not the only one here with a story to tell. This is better than Lauren’s, though.
Frances: I told DeAnna to, uh, go do something to herself.
Louise: That’s just unprofessional.
Frances: Then I told her to get out and I screamed at her. I didn’t want to make a scene, I just got out of hand. She makes me feel things I don’t like feeling.
Jane: I know the feeling, I felt that way about my old neighbor who I sat next to on the bus in high school. I didn’t want to love her, but I did.
Frances: Jane! I don't love DeAnna, I want to punch her!
Louise: Yeah, get with the program!
Frances: Anyway, we wrapped up the shoot awkwardly and I came straight home, and I’m now in this lovely mood.
Jane: I tried to tell her to stop at Starbucks to get a Frappuccino, but she wouldn’t. It always cheers me up.
Frances: I am a world-class baker with a James Beard Award. A coffee drink made by a high schooler isn’t going to turn my day around.
Louise: She’s getting testy! No one cross her.
Greg: Does anyone else care to share about their day?
Jimmy: And interrupt my pot roast dinner? No thanks.
Frances: I wasn’t done talking about my day yet!
Greg: Sorry, my sweet.
Louise: Keep it in the bedroom, you two.
Frances: Charlie asked me to sign on for five more years of the show today.
Greg: That’s great!
Jimmy: Is he shelling out the big bucks?
Jane: Why didn’t you tell me about that?
Louise: Jane, think about that for a second.
Jane: I don’t get it.
Louise: Of course you don’t.
Jane: What’s that supposed to mean?
Jimmy: Louise, let it go.
Louise: Oh, fine.
Frances: Okay, so here’s the thing…
Greg: Are your wheels turning again? That’s always worrying.
Frances: Everything today just reminded me, once again, how burned out I’m feeling. I used to love my job and now it’s just kinda, meh. Charlie tells me how much they love having me on TBC, but he treats me differently. I’m not given the respect that the star of the network’s top show deserves. He’s giving priority treatment to the new stars and I feel like old rubbish.
Lauren: You’re not old, Aunt Frances.
Frances: You think I’m rubbish?
Lauren: No! You’re not rubbish, either.
Frances: Aww, you’re too sweet. Sadly, I don’t know if Charlie agrees. I feel like old news and I think that’s impacting my output on the show. Having to se DeAnna makes me even more miserable, on top of all of that, and Charlie making her out to be the big network star is the icing on the cake. I don’t know if I want five more years of this.
Jimmy: Look at it this way. Would Charlie really want to renew your show for five years if he though you were old news or rubbish?
Frances: I don’t know. I guess not.
Jimmy: So, maybe it’s in your head.
Frances: Maybe.
Louise: Glad to see we’re really getting somewhere.
Frances: I know how I feel. I feel unfulfilled.
Lauren: Let me ask you something, Aunt Frances.
Frances: Go on.
Lauren: How would you feel if Frances in the Kitchen ended today? if it just, stopped production?
Frances: Well, sad we didn’t get to finish the anniversary show.
Lauren: And?
Frances: I’d miss it. I’m not ready for it to end.
Lauren: Okay, there’s a start.
Frances: Where’d you learn that trick?
Lauren: School.
Frances: You’re going to school for the performing arts, not something as useless as psychology.
Lauren: Back home in Michigan. I went to the local community college and one of my friends was a psych major. I helped her study for her exams and picked up a few things.
Frances: Are you saying I should sign the contract?
Lauren: I’m saying that, if you don’t want the show to end, but still don’t want to commit to so many years, you should try to get the show renewed for less time.
Jimmy: You don't really even have a job though, you make food on TV and take a few bites of it while Marcia talks to you. Are you sure you don’t wanna lock in five years of that?
Louise: He’s not wrong.
Frances: I work very hard.
Jimmy: Mm-hmm.
Greg: She does! Tell him, Jane.
Jane: She really does!
Greg: Thank you for your honesty. Some people have no respect for the woman who paid for the house they’re living in.
Frances: This conversation has gone off the rails, but thanks for the “help.” Whoever wants to talk next can go.
Louise: Oh boy, have I got a story for you.
Frances: Jane, get me some booze.
The next day, on the set…
DeAnna: Frances! You ready to film?
Frances: Marcia, you’re fired.
Marcia: What?
Beverly: How many times do I have to tell you, Frances? You can’t fire Marcia.
Marcia: Thank you! I know she cant but my heart still sinks a little every time she says it.
DeAnna: Ignore her like we all do. Speaking of Frances and the way she acts, will you be apologizing for yesterday’s outburst?
Frances: Two words. First word starts with an F. Second word is you.
DeAnna: Again?
Frances: Yes. You are terrible. Why are you even here, by the way? Aren’t you done filming your part of the special?
Charlie: I asked her to be here!
Frances: Lord, why?
Charlie: It’ll be fun!
Lola: Hey there, everybody! Barb the contest winner is here!
Barb: Frances, so good to see you again!
Frances: Barb, you are a bright light that shines through here. You know about DeAnna Clifton, right?
Barb: Can’t stand her!
DeAnna: Hey!
Frances: I’m so glad you feel that way. I personally dream about destroying her career and making her a pauper, but I have to work with her today.
DeAnna: She needs to get some psychiatric care or something.
Marcia: Trust me, we’re working on it.
Barb: Frances, can I say something again?
Lola: I gotta get you to your dressing room.
Barb: Okay, okay. Let me say this first.
Frances: Go ahead, you have my permission and I think I still have some sway around here.
Barb: I said it before, but your show gets me through the day. Since I saw you last, my brother Tommy died and it gets me through those days. I feel alone, and then I see your face and you make and old widow feel better.
Frances: You don’t know how deeply that touches me and how much I needed to hear that. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Beverly: Frances, Charlie wants to talk with you in my office again.
Frances: I want to talk, too. I’e done some thinking.
DeAnna: Always scary.
Jane: Shut up.
Marcia: Good girl.
DeAnna: I thought you were on my side.
Marcia: Nah.
In Beverly’s office…
Charlie: So, Frances. Have you made a decision.
Frances: We’re gonna discuss things first.
Charlie: Oh wow, someone came prepared!
Beverly: That’s usually not a good thing for the person she’s entering into a war of words with.
Frances: First order of business, Chuck. I get my old parking spot back. My show’s ratings are way better than DeAnna’s and I have seniority. I shouldn’t have to risk getting mowed down by a golf cart crossing the street as I sweat like a hog.
Charlie: Is that needed for you to sign on?
Frances: Yes.
Charlie: Then it’s done.
Beverly: Wow, good job, Frances!
Frances: Thanks, I know I’m good at this. Okay, second is a big one. I need some billboards around town like the others got. Some TV ads. Maybe some press appearances. I don’t want to be treated like a bored housewife who drives into here to make a quiche everyday. I want to be treated like the star that I am.
Charlie: Done.
Frances: Finally, and this is biggest of all, I want a ten percent pay raise. It is my ten year anniversary, after all.
Charlie: Ten percent?
Frances: Ten percent.
Three hours later…
Frances: That does it for the Frances in the Kitchen tenth anniversary special. I’m Frances Conner
Marcia: And I’m Marcia Conner-Klein!
Frances: Thanks for watching and thanks to DeAnna Clifton, Jane Miers, Barb Sutton, my producer Beverly Charlotte, and our fans who sent in video clips for joining us on this special day! I have a very special announcement to make right here and now. Frances in the Kitchen will be making it to fifteen. That’s right, our little show has been picked up for five more seasons.
Barb: Oh my god, that’s wonderful!
Frances: I couldn’t have done it without my fans out there who tune in day in and day out. Thank you all for watching Frances in the Kitchen so loyally. That’s all for tonight, I’ll see you again real soon!
What did you think of this special repeat presentation of the season one finale of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for the premiere of season two!
