The gang is sitting in Sam’s dressing room.
Sam: He’s driving me crazy, Leslie.
Leslie: He’s our boss, what do you want me to do about it?
Garry: I’m just glad that people are saying someone’s driving them crazy and it isn’t about me for once.
Sam: It can be if you want!
Garry: No thank you.
Sam: Ten be quiet!
Charlotte: He’s just being kind to us, Sam. That’s all.
Frances: That’s the most alarming part!
Sam: Thank you!
Diane: Kindness is never alarming.
Sam: He has an ulterior motive.
Diane: Such as?
Sam: He’s trying to take us down from the inside.
Leslie: In what way would that benefit him? Quickly.
Diane: We’re his number one show!
Sam: Maybe he’s a secret agent from another network, to tear down this network from the top.
Leslie: He has worked here for fifteen years.
Sam: Playing the long game.
Diane: You sound like a lunatic.
Garry: Sound like? She is a lunatic.
Sam: Quiet, you. I can turn this into a Garry bash-fest if I want to.
There is a knock at the door.
Sam: Oh god, it’s probably him. Turn the lights out.
Charlotte: He knows we’re in here!
Sam: You never know.
Charlotte: He knows!
Paul: Charlotte! You left your phone on the craft services table and it’s ringing!
Charlotte: Thank you Paul, I’ll go grab it!
Paul: I brought it here for ya. Just open the door and I’ll hand it to you.
Charlotte: It’s not locked, you can open it.
Paul: Oh, okay. Then here you go.
Charlotte: Thank you, you’re too kind!
Leslie: We are so popular and so famous that we have the network president bringing us our phones when they ring. I’m so proud of us.
Frances: No, we are famous. You’re the behind-the-scenes one. No one knows you but you’re making more than we are and for good reason.
Garry: Don’t mention salaries around Sam and Diane.
Sam: Screw you, Garry.
Leslie: Be nice, Sam!
Sam: So you think Paul heard what I was saying about him?
Diane: You’re an idiot.
Sam: Thank you.
Charlotte: It was a call from my mum!
Sam: Your flowers are calling you?
Garry: Her mother called her.
Sam: Oh, she should’ve said that, then.
Garry: And you people say I’m the dumb one.
Diane: No name-calling!
Charlotte: I need to call mum, it’s so unusual for her to be calling so late.
Frances: It’s only six o’clock.
Leslie: It is? We really need to get out of here.
Garry: Carly is going to kill me.
Sam: You say that every day. Can she just get it over with already?
Charlotte: My parents live in London, it’s after eleven there. I’m worried something’s wrong with my father.
Leslie: Call her back. We’ll be quiet. I know it’s hard to imagine that but we will be.
Sam: It’s not -
Leslie: Quiet!
Charlotte: I’m gonna call her back right now.
Charlotte dials her mom’s number, but she gets a call from her dad instead and answers it.
Barry (Charlotte’s father): Charlotte, finally! Your mother called twice and was terrified that you weren’t answering.
Marian (Charlotte’s mother): Barry, don’t upset her. I wasn’t that worried.
Barry: You cried and said “I hope my daughter hasn’t been killed!”
Marian: It was a joke.
Barry: What a sick jo-
Charlotte: Dad! Slow down.
Barry: Sorry, dead.
Charlotte: Why are you two calling me at eleven o’clock at night?
Barry: Well, it’s three o’clock here.
Charlotte: No, dad. It’s eleven in London.
Marian: We aren’t in London, honey.
Charlotte: Where are you? The country house? I know you’re on vacation but you still don’t usually call so late.
Marian: We’re in Los Angeles. We’re here to see you!
Charlotte: You’re where?
Barry: Are your ears going? We’re in LA! The City of Angels! Hollywood! Where Meryl’s from! Where Helen Mirren moved to and abandoned us!
Charlotte: I got it now, dad. What I don’t get is why you’re in Los Angeles.
Barry: We wanted to see you!
Marian: We’ve missed you! It’s been two years!
Charlotte: Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?
Marian: We wanted to surprise you!
Barry: But, you seem to be out and the house is locked and we want to know where the key is so we can get in. It was a long flight and I have to use the bathroom.
Charlotte: It’s under the plant in the back. The one in the pink pot.
Marian: Do we really have to walk around back to get in the house?
Charlotte: That’s the only way in, but there’s something I have to tell you.
Barry: Hopefully it’s that you just remembered where you hid another key.
Charlotte: I’m in Rhode Island.
Marian: Rhode Island? What are you doing in Rhode Island? Why are you in Rhode Island? What is Rhode Island?
Charlotte: It’s where I film my show.
Barry: Come on, Marian. We watch the show!
Marian: I didn’t catch where they filmed it. Sorry, dear.
Charlotte: So, uh, what are we going to do about this?
Marian: We still want to see you!
Charlotte: I want to see you, too. It’s been so long. How are you going to see me, though? I’m on the other end of the country.
Marian: Wherever Rhode Island is, we’re coming there.
Barry: First thing tomorrow!
Charlotte: Really? Tomorrow?
Barry: We’re not going to stay in Los Angeles if you’re not here.
Charlotte: Yeah, really not much at all to do there.
Marian: All we care about is seeing you!
Charlotte: So you’re coming here tomorrow?
Marian: I’ll look for a flight right now.
Charlotte: I want to pay for it.
Barry: That’s ridiculous!
Charlotte: It’s my fault you have to pay for another flight to begin with. I’m paying and I’m not taking no for an answer.
Barry: Can I ask you something?
Charlotte: Anything.
Barry: What lodging do you recommend around here?
Charlotte: You’re staying at my place. I have a guest room, the sheets are clean. Enjoy!
Marian: You’re doing too much for us.
Charlotte: No, I am not. I owe you all this and far more.
Marian: So we’ll see you tomorrow!
Barry: It’s one day late but that’ll make it even more special!
Charlotte: I will see you tomorrow! I love you both very much!
Charlotte hangs up.
Sam: So what was all that about?
Charlotte: My parents are in town!
Diane: That’s wonderful! Why didn’t you tell us they were coming?
Charlotte: I didn’t know!
Charlotte: Well, they’re in a town…
Sam: Aren’t we all, really?
Frances: Very philosophical, you guys.
Leslie: What do you mean they’re in a town? Allentown, Pennsylvania? Why are they there?
Diane (singing): Oh we’re living here in Allentown.
Sam: Diane, cut it out!
Diane: Fine…
Charlotte: They flew out to Los Angeles to surprise me, because they didn’t know we were filming in Rhode Island. Nor did they know what Rhode Island is.
Frances: Most people don’t!
Leslie: Are you going to get to see them? It’d be terrible for them to come all this way and not get to see you.
Sam: Yeah, they had to travel all the way from the land of Mary Poppins!
Charlotte: They say they’re flying out here tomorrow. For now, they’re staying at my place.
Leslie: That’s great!
Charlotte: For me, it is. For them it’s another long flight right after today’s long flight. I feel dreadful that I didn’t tell them where I was going to be.
Diane: You have no need to feel bad. Parents are willing to do crazy things for their kids, they won’t mind at all.
Sam: For example, Diane didn’t murder her son-of-a-bitch husband, all for the sake of the kids.
Diane: God took care of that one! Thank you, failing California infrastructure!
Sam: Look at Diane, she’s a real-life Maude!
Diane: God’ll get you for that, Walter!
Sam: I think they got the reference.
Charlotte: So, they won’t be here until tomorrow. No need to delay our dinner any further. LEt’s go!
Garry: Thank god, if we’re any later Car-
Sam: Garry, we don’t care.
At the Riviera Inn…
Melanie: You guys are late! Carly came down asking about you.
Carly: Garry, you’re supposed to call me when you’re late! You’r ego much older than me, anything could’ve happened.
Garry: I don’t see why my age had to come into the conversation.
Carly: It did, honey. It did.
Sam: Ha, your wife thinks you’re old!
Garry: At least I see my wife!
Diane: Melanie, call the authorities. There’s going to be a murder in this lobby.
Sam: Sticks and stones, Diane.
Diane: You know I think sticks and stones is bull.
Sam: I don’t.
Diane: Okay…
Charlotte: I’m so sorry we kept you waiting, Melanie. My parents called and, you know what? I’ll tell you over dinner. It’s on me because the wait was my fault!
Frances: You are not paying for dinner, Charlotte. Don’t be silly!
Sam: None of us had blockbuster movies this year. Let her pay!
At dinner…
Melanie: Charlotte, this place is expensive. I can’t let you pay for me.
Charlotte: We’re friends! I’m paying for you. It’s what friends do.
Frances: Charlotte, are you okay?
Charlotte: What? Why wouldn’t I be okay?
Frances: You seem upset.
Charlotte: I’m not, I just still feel bad about my parents.
Melanie: What happened to your parents?
Charlotte: Oh, I forgot to tell you!
Paul: Hey, guys!
Sam: Dear lord.
Paul: I didn’t realize you were coming here for dinner! We should share a table!
Leslie: Come join us!
Sam: We come here almost every night, Paul. You knew we’d be here.
Charlotte: Can I tell Melanie what’s going on?
Paul: Of course! I don’t want to intrude.
Sam: You’re up to something, Paul.
Diane: Good lord, not this again.
Charlotte: My parents are coming to visit tomorrow, Melanie.
Melanie: That’s wonderful!
Charlotte: Well, the part’s wonderful. Unfortunately, they didn’t know I was here and went to Los Angeles first!
Paul: That’s hilarious!
Sam: Really?
Paul: Oh, no. Not at all. So sorry, Charlotte.
Charlotte: You’re allowed to find some humor in it. It’s kinda funny! They’re coming here tomorrow instead, so I can almost find humor in it myself.
Paul: I’m glad you’re not mad because it really is funny.
Melanie: Why do you feel guilt, though?
Charlotte: I should’ve told them I was here!
Diane: We already told you that you have no reason to be upset. You didn’t know they’d fly out from England without warning.
Charlotte: I know, I’m going to try to move past that that guilt and just be happy I’m seeing my parents at all.
Sam: That’s what i had to tell Diane last week when she said how bad she felt about eliminating Michael.
Diane: He came all the way from Iowa and took time out of school to be here and we dropped him like a hot potato! It’s tragic!
Frances: You weren’t even the one that decided to send him home!
Diane: I know but I had to look in his eyes and say it! That’s worse!
Charlotte: Melanie, I have a question for you.
Melanie: What’s that? Do I think Diane is okay? No, I do not.
Diane: Melanie, I just have a heart! There’s nothing wrong with that!
Charlotte: Are there any available rooms at the Riviera? I don’t want to be a bother to you but I’d appreciate it if you could get my parents a room.
Melanie: It’s no bother! We have a few rooms available, when we get back to the hotel I can book one for your parent.s
Charlotte: Thank you, you are a doll.
Melanie: You have all told me that. Many times, actually.
Frances: Our love for you is what unites us!
Melanie: Aww.
Sam: And our hate for Garry.
Carly: Hey! He may be stupid and he may not be much to look at but he’s my husband and I love him!
Garry: Thank you?
Carly: I’m only joking, honey. I think you’re gorgeous.
Sam: Melanie, I need you to move. I think I’m going to be sick.
Melanie: Okay, moving!
Frances: I’d like to move to another site after hearing that.
Paul: Connecticut’s not far, this is a small state.
The next day, on the set of Bake Your Heart Out…
Diane: France Week was certainly quite a bon voyage!
Sam: That doesn’t make any sense.
Diane: Oui oui!
Sam: So you’re just saying French words?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Well, okay then.
Diane: A couple bakers really Eiffel Towered over the others!
Sam: Lena, the judges like your bakes a lot more than I like Lena Dunham.
Diane: That one was just mean.
Sam: She knows what she did.
Diane: Francine, your name sounds like France, so I think that’s technically cheating. Either way, you nailed every aspect of this week’s bakes.
Sam: Verna, I don’t have a fun reference to make with your name but you did great!
Diane: Only one, however, can be this week’s Top Baker! And that person is -
Sam: Our Francophone, Francine!
Francine: I thought you were gonna say Diane, she speaks such fluent French!
Diane: Thank you, honey!
Sam: No comes the part we hate…
Diane: I wish I didn’t have to do this but I won’t get my salary if I don’t, so I’m doing it. These are the bakers the judges weren’t so crazy about.
Sam: Carter! Your bakes went about as well as the term of President Jimmy Carter.
Diane: That one was a stretch.
Sam: I know, but don’t interrupt me!
Diane: Carter, you are safe.
Sam: That was my line!
Diane: You can say my next one.
Sam: Thank you. Sharon, even Ozzy Osbourne wouldn’t have been yelling your name after eating your deserts this week.
Diane: What does that even mean?
Sam: You wrote it!
Diane: I know, I sabotaged you!
Sam: Anyway, Sharon, you weren't the worst and so, you’re safe.
Diane: Tianna, you may share a name with a princess, but your dish tonight felt more fit for a frog.
Sam: Allen, your croquembouche collapsed and your showstopper bake wasn’t even a French dessert. Tim Allen would be putting you on the Naughty List this week.
Diane: Sadly, one of you has baked their last dessert on Bake Your Heart Out. The baker heading home this week is -
A phone rings.
Charlotte: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry!
Sam: Leslie, you better be able to use that footage.
Leslie: We can, don’t you worry!
Sam: Good, that would’ve been far too much work to have to do over again.
Diane: At least five minutes’ worth!
Leslie: Diane, start again from the top of that line.
Diane: Okay, will do!
Sam: Aren’t you waiting for Leslie? You usually like for her to stand in the background and look pretty at the end of the show?
Leslie: It’s getting late and I’m exhausted. We can do it without her.
Sam: Fine by me! I’m hungry!
Frances: We’re on the set of a baking show! How are you hungry?
Sam: I’m only allowed one bite of everything!
Frances: That’s all you need!
Diane: Are we going again?
Leslie: Yes! Action!
Diane: Sadly, one of you has made their last dessert here on Bake Your Heart Out. The baker heading home this week is… Allen.
Sam: Allen, we’re gonna miss you. If I ever need an attorney back in Cali, I’m going to call you!
Allen: It was an honor to be here. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.
Diane: Thanks to everyone for tuning in to Bake Your Heart Out, goodnight!
Leslie: Cut!
Sam: Thank god we can go home now.
Frances: I wonder where Charlotte went. I wanna eat, too.
Sam: Seriously?
Garry: That’s such a Garry move of you, Frances.
Sam: no, Garry. You are NOT in on the Garry-bashing.
Charlotte: I am so sorry for that. I thought my ringer was off.
Leslie: No biggie.
Diane: It gave me time to delay the sad news, I appreciated it, actually.
Charlotte: My parents are here! They just landed in Providence and they’ll be at the hotel in an hour or so!
Sam: Will that be delaying our dinner?
Frances: What an idiot.
Charlotte: You can go without me if you want.
Leslie: How silly! We can wait.
Diane: Sam, eat some crackers. They’re free.
Sam: I do love free…
Frances: Are you excited to see them? It’s been a while!
Charlotte: Two years!
Diane: I know what it’s like to not see someone you love for a few years. There is no feeling better than finally seeing them again. I’m so excited for you!
Leslie: I’m excited to meet them!
Frances: We shouldn’t let Garry meet them. Not at first, anyway. Ease them into that.
Charlotte: They love Garry! He’s their favorite on the show. Other than me, of course.
Garry: Hear that! People love me!
Sam: They’re British, Garry. They’re barely people at all.
Charlotte: That is true. They prefer to be called “English,” though.
Sam: They’re United Kingdomians.
Charlotte: That’s not a word.
Sam: It is now.
One hour later, at the Riviera Inn…
Charlotte: Melanie, are my parents here yet? I’ve been upstairs changing, I want to look presentable when I see them.
Leslie: Are you telling me you don’t care about looking presentable when you’re at work?
Charlotte: Of course II do! Howver, after two days in the same outfit, under the stage lights, I’m not at my very best.
Frances: Leslie wouldn’t understand because she’s not an on-air talent like we are.
Leslie: You think I’ve never worn the same clothes two days in a row?
Sam: We don’t need to know about your one-night stands, Leslie!
Leslie: It’s because I grew up poor, get your head out of the gutter!
Melanie: No one’s here yet. I’ve been waiting, trust me.
Frances: Good, so we haven’t simply misplaced two grown adults.
Charlotte: I hear a car!
Diane: We’re at a hotel, I think there’s more than one car here.
Marian: Charlotte, darling! We finally made it!
Diane: Or maybe not.
Barry: Hello, everyone. I’m Charlotte’s father, Barry. Lovely to finally meet you.
Leslie: Charlotte has told us so much about the both of you! I’m Leslie!
Sam: Sir, did you say your name is Garry? No wonder Charlotte doesn’t hate him.
Barry: Barry, with a B.
Marian: My name is Marian, by the way. Not that my husband cares if you know.
Diane: I just want to say that working with your daughter has been an absolute joy for us and we’re so glad to meet the people who helped shape her into such a thoughtful and kind person.
Garry: She’s the only one that’s ever nice to me!
Marian: I find that hard to believe, you’re so likable!
Melanie: I don’t mean to interrupt the reunion, but would you guys like to get checked in? I really don’t have anything better to do but my shift ends in fifteen minutes.
Marian: Charlotte, is every hotel worker in the United States so casual with guests?
Charlotte: We’re friends, mum.
Marian: Oh, are you Melanie?
Melanie: That’s what my mother named me!
Marian: Apologies, I didn’t realize. I was expecting you to be a bit… older? You look so young!
Melanie: I just have a good skincare routine, I guess.
Marian: I’ll have to ask you about that.
Charlotte: I don’t mean to rush you two but we usually have dinner when Melanie’s shift is over and as she told you, that’s coming up. Maybe we can check in before we catch up.
Barry: We have so much to ask you about!
Marian: Like your movie, and the Oscar buzz and why you’re in Rhode Island, and -
Charlotte: We can talk about all of that tonight over dinner.
Marian: Okay, will do.
Carly: Garry, what the hell are ya doing down here?
Garry: I’m meeting Charlotte’s parents. I told you that!
Carly: Oh, sorry. You just disappeared and I didn’t know where to find you!
Charlotte: That’s Carly, she’s a lot nicer than she seems once you get to know her.
Carly: Lovely to meet you two!
Marian: You as well.
Barry: She scares me a bit, dear.
Charlotte: I think this is going to be such fun!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
