Frances in the Kitchen Season 2 Premiere - Independence Day in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 2, Episode 1
Independence Day in the Kitchen

Frances is at home having dinner with her family and Jane.

Jimmy: Frances, can you pass the potato salad?

Frances: Potato salad? Who opened potato salad?

Greg: I did, honey. We are having hot dogs.

Frances: Hot dogs? What?

Louise: Frances, you’re to young to be having memory problems!

Lauren: It can happen at any age.

Frances: The hot dogs and potato salad were for the Fourth of July! That’s why it was a thirty-six pack. There’s only six of us, why would we need that many for one night’s dinner?

Greg: I thought you wanted leftovers.

Jimmy: How did you just now notice what Greg grilled for dinner? He mentioned it when you were sitting on the couch with Jane.

Jane: We were talking about tomorrow’s Frances in the Kitchen!

Frances: I know no one’s inclined to believe Jane since she’s, uh, IQ-challenged, but it’s the truth. I was so engrossed in thought about what I’m making on tomorrow’s show that I tuned you guys out. That was clearly a big mistake, since I now have to go back to the store to but more food for the party. You guys are exhausting sometimes.

Louise: We try to be.

Lauren: It’s what family is for, Aunt Frances! We drive each other crazy because of love!

Greg: So is everyone enjoying their hot dogs?

Jane: You know, when I moved in with the winner of the James Buchanan Award -

Frances: James Beard Award.

Jane: Whatever. When I moved in with a fancy chef, I thought you’d make us gourmet food every night. I never thought you’d let Greg make food, let alone hot dogs.

Frances: I made dinner last night.

Jane: And it was great!

Frances: I swear, I’m surrounded my idiots.

Greg: Not me, right?

Frances: Uh…

Greg: Not me, right?

Frances’ phone rings.

Lauren: Saved by the ring!

Jane: It’s Saved by the Bell, Lauren.

Frances: I need to take this, it’s from Beverly.

Jimmy: Look Greg, now she’s faking phone calls to avoid answering your phone calls. True love!

Frances: It’s a real call, dimwit.

Beverly: Hello… Frances? You there?

Frances: See!

Jimmy: Okay, okay. It’s real.

Frances: Hey Bev!

Beverly: Frances, don’t do that to me again.

Frances: Sorry, my family is annoying.

Louise: And don’t you forget it!

Beverly: Well, Charlie is more annoying.

Frances: Oh god… what’s he want now?

Beverly: Okay, so you know how we usually film a Fourth of July special of Frances in the Kitchen?

Frances: I’m so glad we didn’t do one this year. They’re always so cheesy! I’m tired of baking red, white and blue deserts, there’s not many that look good in that color pattern.

Beverly: Well…

Frances: Oh boy.

Beverly: Yeah, oh boy. Charlie wanted us to film one after all. He just called me and asked if we could put something together.

Frances: The Fourth of July is in five days, we don’t have nearly enough time to film and edit an episode in that time, especially since we already have guests booked for tomorrow’s filming.

Beverly: That’s what I told him, and his response was bone-chilling.

Frances: This should be good.

Beverly: He wants us to… oh, the horror. He’s suggested that we do a live Fourth of July special.

Frances: Oh my god, no!

Beverly: I’m so sorry…

Frances: You didn’t.

Beverly: I said yes.

Frances: Why would you do that?

Beverly: I felt pressured. I don’t want him to get mad at us, he just signed you for five more years and gave you a big raise.

Frances: I don’t care if he gets mad. I had plans!

Beverly: It’s only an hour show.

Frances: Hair and makeup takes a lot longer than that, plus I have to drive in to the show and drive home, and I’ll have to prepare something beforehand because I can’t bake anything worthwhile in an hour.

Beverly: Okay, it’s only four hours.

Frances: That’s most of my day.

Beverly: What, you need twenty hours of beauty sleep?

Frances: I would have to leave my Fourth of July party at four o’clock.

Beverly: Fourth of July party? You don’t have any friends!

Frances: I have you -

Beverly: You didn’t invite me.

Frances: Jane -

Beverly: Jane is your friend?

Frances: Yes!

Beverly: Okay then…

Frances: I have Marcia -

Beverly: Your sister-in-law.

Frances: There’s DeAnna -

Beverly: If DeAnna died tomorrow, you’d only be sad that it didn’t happen sooner.

Frances: That’s true.

Beverly: So you don’t have any friends.

Frances: Lola!

Beverly: Who?

Frances: She’s a security guard on the studio lot!

Beverly: What’s her last name?

Frances:  I don’t even know your last name so that proves nothing.

Beverly: Just do the show, it’s one day. Plenty of people work on the Fourth of July.

Frances: Not famous people!

Beverly: Oh, boo hoo.

Frances: Can we at least film it from my house? It can be a fun “at home” special. Then I can have my party and do the show.

Beverly: You know what, you diva? I’ll make that work. See you on Monday.

Frances: Beverly, we film tomorrow.

Beverly: Tomorrow isn’t the Fourth of July.

Frances: WE film a different episode.

Beverly: Oh, right. See ya tomorrow.

Frances hangs up.

Jimmy: So what was that about, sis?

Frances: We’re shipping ya back, Jim. It was a good run but Lara wants you back.

Jimmy: I’m not going back. You can’t make me go back. Louise won’t let me go back.

Louise: Yes I will.

Frances: My god, Jimmy. I’m kidding.

Jimmy: Oh, funny.

Greg: Frances, you haven’t eaten your dinner yet.

Lauren: Yeah, Jane’s all shook up about it. She’s very worried that you’re not eating enough.

Jane: She isn’t! I was with her all day and she didn’t eat anything.

Frances: You got up at noon. I ate a large brunch at eleven and it’s only six o’clock. I’m okay, I’m not going to starve to death.

Jane: You better not. You’re my best friend.

Frances: I told Beverly you’re my friend! Ha!

Louise: Moving away from… whatever this is, what was that phone call about?

Lauren: Yeah, you sounded upset. Did Great Aunt Loretta finally die? She’s so old.

Jimmy: She had a good run. Guess we better pack up so we can make it to Michigan in time for the funeral.

Frances: Why would Beverly call about Great Aunt Loretta?

Louise: How were we supposed to know you were talking to Beverly?

Frances: I said ten minutes ago when I picked up the phone that that was who was calling.

Louise: And we’re supposed to remember that?

Frances: I’m the one with the memory problem?

Lauren: You both are!

Frances: Anyway, if you care at all, and I don’t think you do, Beverly was calling to tell me we’re doing a Fourth of July themed live episode on the Fourth.

Jane: Oh, good, we finally fund a theme for tomorrow’s show!

Frances: I just said we’re doing a live episode on the Fourth of July, not tomorrow.

Jane: Isn’t tomorrow the Fourth of July?

Frances: Oh my god, no.

Jane: You don’t have to be so cryptic.

Frances: What is with this house today? Why are you all being difficult?

Louise: It’s who we are!

Greg: Not me! I’m fine.

Frances: You’re the least bad of the group but let’s face it honey, you made the Independence Day hot dogs even though it was clear they weren’t for dinner tonight. You’re not perfect.

Greg: No one’s perfect, Frances.

Frances: I know that. Look who I live with.

The next day, at the studio…

DeAnna: Frances!

Frances: Jane, just keep walking. If I’m not in in five minutes, call the cops, she killed me. Scratch that, don’t call the cops. It was probably me who killed her.

Jane: I’m not following.

DeAnna: When are you ever?

Jane: Hey!

DeAnna: Oh, it’s so good to see ya, Frannie! It’s been forever!

Frances: It’s been a week, you bitch.

DeAnna: Why so hostile? Oh that’s right, you’re Frances Conner. It’s just who you are.

Frances: Why are you bugging me, DeAnna? It’s early and I don’t have the patience for this before I have my tea.

DeAnna: I heard about your Fourth of July special.

Frances: Great. What about it?

DeAnna: I just find it hilarious that you have to work on a holiday all because you didn’t prepare for the annual special. What a bozo!

Frances: The only clown I see is you, DeAnna. 

DeAnna: Then you must be blind.

Frances: Is this all you’re bothering me about today? I really don’t have the time for your nonsensical rambling about nothing.

DeAnna: I only wanted to talk to my set neighbor. It’s the nice thing to do, not that I expect you to respond well to manners. You must’ve been raised in a barn.

Frances: I did grow up on a farm in Michigan but I don’t see how that’s relevant to anything.

Marcia: Frances! What are you doing out there?

Frances: I think I need to put an end to this conversation, DeAnna. The ole’ ball and chain is calling me.

DeAnna: Just remember, while you’re working on Monday, I’ll be on the beaches of Hawaii with a young, beautiful waiter catering to my every whim.

Frances: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

DeAnna: Good luck with the show!

Marcia: Frances!

Frances: Shut up, I’m coming!

Frances walks into the studio.

Marcia: Frances, why did no one tell me we’re working on Monday? What am I going to do with Howard now?

Frances: Why do you talk about Howard like he’s your child?

Marcia: Because I have to take care of him as if he is a child. The man drives me nuts.

Frances: We’re filming it live at my place, you don’t need to worry about Howard. It’ll only take up an hour of our time, we can do it during the party. It’s all good.

Marcia: I know when we’re filming it. I can’t leave the man alone for an hour. I left home yesterday for an hour to go to the store and he almost burned the house down because he fell asleep drying his hair in the bathroom. How does someone do that?

Frances: Is he… okay?

Marcia: The doctor says yes, I don’t agree.

Frances: Our family can keep him busy on Monday, it’ll all be fine. He can even talk to Jane if he wants.

Marcia: No one ever wants to talk to Jane!

Jane: Hey!

Marcia: Honey, it’s true.

Jane: I know but that doesn’t make it hurt less!

Marcia: You’re cute, don’t worry.

Frances: It’ll all be okay, Marcia. When has Beverly ever steered us wrong?

Marcia: Often.

Frances: In know, that was a dumb thing to say. But don’t worry, the episode will go on drama-free and we can spend the rest of the day enjoying the party.

Jane: Are you filming it at eight Eastern time or eight our time? I always wondered how that worked.

Marcia: Well if we filmed it at 8 our time it would be airing in the East coast at

Frances: Marcia, don’t. She won’t get it.

Marcia: You know what, never mind.

Beverly: Can you two get ready to film? My god, you screw around so much.

Monday, at Frances’s Fourth of July party…

Louise: Lauren, can you get me a drink? A strong one?

Lauren: It’s four o’clock and you’re already drunk.

Louise: One more!

Jimmy: Water it down.

Louise: I heard that! Don’t do it, girl.

Marcia: Frances, your family’s being strange again.

Frances: Our family, Marcia. Our family.

Greg: Frances, don’t you guys have to get ready for your show? It’s almost time.

Frances: Beverly and the camera guys aren’t here yet. I’m all ready for the show, I already did my hair and makeup myself.

Jimmy: You did?

Frances: Now that’s just rude.

Marcia: Beverly just pulled up, Frances.

Frances: It’s about damn time.

Beverly: Hey, the traffic was terrible. It’s not my fault.

Frances: You said she just pulled up. Unless she's The Flash, she’s been here a while and you should’ve warned me so I didn’t say anything rude.

Marcia: You could try not saying anything rude.

Louise: Why in the hell would she do that?

Lauren: Mom, sit down. Please.

Beverly: The camera guy and production team aren’t here yet, so I just hope they’re close behind me. We’re on in -

Marcia: Forty-nine minutes. We’re gonna cut it close.

Beverly: I’ll never hear the end of it from Charlie if we’re not ready in time.

Greg: It’ll all be okay.

Beverly: With all due respect, Greg, your positivity is -

Louise: Annoying?

Beverly: Unwarranted.

Greg: Jimmy, can you control your wife?

Jimmy: It’s 2011, my dude. It’s not my job to control any woman!

Lauren: Very good, dad!

Frances: Greg, can you distract them? And has anyone seen Jane?

Marcia: I haven’t seen her in hours. She probably got lost on her way up from the basement.

Greg: I’ll try my hardest to distract them. Maybe they can go looking for Jane.

Lauren: No one needs to “distract" us, Aunt Frances. Ee’ll be quiet when you’re filming. I know this is important to you.

Frances: I actually couldn’t care less about this. I just don’t need to hear Charlie complaining about it, which he will if I screw up.

Beverly: Amen! That man can complain like no other.

Thirty minutes later…

Beverly: Finally, you’re here!

Jane: I’ve been here!

Beverly: Not you, Jane! The crew!

Jane: Oh. No one ever notices stupid little Jane. You’re all quite rude.

Lauren: I’ll get her a drink.

Frances: No, we don’t need two drunken idiots.

Lauren: We’ve already got two!

Jimmy: Frannie this Labor Day party is amaaaaaaazing.

Frances: How did he get drunk?

Greg: I challenged him to a drinking contest. He’s been guzzling beer and vodka coolers ever since.

Frances: Why would you do that?

Greg: You said to distract him!

Marcia: I wish everyone could just be like my Howard. Quiet, seen but not heard, until spoken to.

Jane: So that’s who the creepy quiet guy is!

Marcia: He’s not creepy!

Frances: Ah, Independence Day. So magical!

Louise: You’re gonna do magic for us Fran?

Lauren: I’m gonna put them to bed. Maybe they can sleep it off by the time we set of fireworks.

Frances: They won’t, but I appreciate the effort.

Jane: There’s gonna be fireworks? I love fireworks!

Marcia: Most children do.

Beverly: Frances, Marcia, get ready! Ten minutes!

Frances: The desserts are on the table, so are the ingredients. My patio stove is fired up. I’m ready.

Greg: The stove is on? No wonder I’m so hot!

Frances: You’re always hot.

Greg: I am not!

Frances: Honey, I was being flirty.

Greg: Oh, thank you. You’re so sweet.

Marcia: Gag.

One hour later…

Frances: And ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the end of our Fourth of July bash! It’s a big night and we sincerely appreciate all of you choosing to spend it with us, and hopefully you learned some great recipes your families will love. Sadly, it’s a bit late to make them for this Independence Day, so keep them in mind for Labor Day! Now, without further ado, we now present to you a beautiful fireworks display brought to you in part by the Santa Barbara Chamber of Commerce!

Jane: Fireworks!

Beverly: Jane, shh!

Jimmy: Oh my god, Lou! The backyard is on fire!

Louise: You idiot! That’s not our yard!

Lauren: How do I do it?

Marcia: Would you look at that, Frances? That one just formed the shape of a cookie!

Frances: Chocolate chip, I’d say. Or perhaps an oatmeal raisin?

Jane: Mmm… cookies.

Ten minutes later…

Beverly: And that’s a wrap, folks! Now you can all get back to your big party!

Frances: That actually went… surprisingly well.

Marcia: I really thought either the drunks or the airhead would ruin it but they didn’t!

Frances: I’m so proud of them for not ruining something for once!

Jane: That means so much to me, you have no idea.

Beverly: I guess it’s time for me to get going. Got a long drive back to Santa Clarita.

Frances: You can stay! My lord, we’re friends!

Beverly: Are we?

Frances: Yes!

Beverly: If you insist, I guess I’ll stay. Guess I’ll call Earl up and tell him I won’t be home tonight.

Frances: Woah, hold up. Won’t be home at all?

Beverly: It’s a ninety minute drive, Frances.

Frances: You can stay. That’s what friends are for!

Beverly: Thank you, Dionne Warwick.

Frances: Ah, I love the holidays.

Lauren: Oh god, I think mom just threw up.

Frances: I’m not cleaning it up.

What did you think of season two premiere of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return next week for a new episode!

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