Bake Your Heart Out Season 3 Premiere - Second Home Again

Bake Your Heart Out Season 3, Episode 1
Second Home Again

Diane is in her bedroom packing her luggage when she decides to call Sam.

Sam: I am busy. We are flying to Rhode Island tomorrow. What do you want?

Diane: Wow, Sam. I haven’t seen you in a month and this is how you talk to your best friend?

Sam: Diane, I saw you last Tuesday. I talked to you last night.

Diane: Did I really see you that recently? All these months during the break really ran together.

Sam: That’s because you spent it at home watching TV and reading books.

Diane: I went on vacation

Sam: For a week. To Maine. That’s basically Rhode Island. That’s where we work. That’s like me going to vacation to Santa Monica.

Diane: Don’t bash Santa Monica.

Sam: I’m not bashing it.

Diane: It’s lovely here. Less traffic than the city, I have a view of the ocean, it’s paradise.

Sam: Diane, I wasn’t bashing Santa Monica. I was just saying, it’s not a big change of pace from where I usually go. That’s why the hiatus months all ran together for you.

Diane: We can’t all have big, thrilling events during the break like Charlotte with her blockbuster movie and Frances with her European trip or Garry with… actually, what did Garry do?

Sam: I don’t talk to Garry. Who talks to Garry?

Diane: Leslie?

Sam: Why would Leslie talk to Garry? She’s like the least-cool woman in the group but she’s still worlds ahead of Garry.

Diane: You’re very mean to Garry.

Sam: He’s Garry, I get to be mean to him.

Diane: So, on to why I was calling.

Sam: Finally. I gotta get to bed.

Diane: It’s seven o’clock. I’m old and even I don’t go to bed at seven!

Sam: We have an early flight.

Diane: Not “go to bed at seven” early.

Sam: It feels like we just reversed roles for a second. I don’t like it.

Diane: Are you packing a swimsuit?

Sam: That’s why you’re calling? Does it matter?

Diane: It matters to me.

Sam: Yes, I’m packing a swimsuit. We’re staying on the beach, Diane.

Diane: Okay, I’ll take mine. You get to bed, that’s all I wanted.

Sam: See you bright and early tomorrow at LAX!

Diane: Can’t wait!

Sam: You sound far too excited for a full day of traveling.

Diane: That’s just happy, excited, optimistic me!

Sam: It makes me nauseous.

The next day, at LAX airport…

Leslie: Where in the world is Garry?

Charlotte: He’ll probably blame Carly or his kid for being late but we all know it’s him.

Frances: It’s so strange that Garry is clearly the loser in this group and yet he’s the only one who has a traveling companion. I mean, I’m sharing a hotel room with Leslie! Not even out of necessity, I prefer it that way. How’d he find someone but we can’t?

Sam: I’m married, Frances. Very happily!

Frances: I don’t see Nicolle here with you!

Sam: Only because she has to be in New York for work.

Charlotte: We get it, Sam. You’re happily married. We totally believe you. We are not.

Diane: I was very happily married!

Leslie: Diane, your husband drove off a bridge while heading to a weekend trip with his mistress.

Diane: And I miss that bastard every day of my life.

Frances: I would’ve cut the breaks myself if I were you. Did you? You can tell us, we won’t call the cops.

Charlotte: You were married as well, weren’t you, Frances?

Frances: I don’t want to talk about it. I’m gonna go get a “pretzel” from that stand over there while we wait for G-

Garry: Howdy, ladies!

Sam: Ugh…

Carly: Bozo over here forgot his carry-on and we had to go back for it.

Leslie: That sounds like our Garry!

Carly: I had to pack for myself and our child and forgot nothing -

Garry: That you know of!

Carly: Meanwhile, Garry would forget his own head if it weren't stuck on his neck.

Garry: Very original, never heard that one before.

Leslie: Well on the plus side, Frances. You might not be the only divorced one in the group pretty soon!

Garry: What’s that supposed to mean?

Diane: We have a plane to catch, folks! Let’s get going, time to fly the friendly skies!

Leslie: The skies are never friendly when Sam is involved.

Sam: Damn right.

Ten hours later…

Sam: Frances, I swear to god I will murder you if you clap. Do not.

Diane: Let her clap!

Sam: There’s nothing to clap about! Planes land every day! 

Frances: It’s good to show the pilots your appreciation!

Sam: They’re just doing their job. Do you clap when the barista at Starbucks gives you your Venti Mocha Half-Caff Cappuccino with whipped cream?

Frances: First of all, that’s Leslie’s Starbucks order.

Charlotte: Will you guys be quiet? The flight attendants are about to open the doors and I dont’ want to get stuck on this stinky tin can.

Diane: Does anyone know where Garry is?

Sam: Thankfully, no.

Leslie: You’re just now noticing that he isn’t seated with us?

Diane: I don’t notice things, okay?

Charlotte: They just opened the doors, let get off of this thing. I hate planes.

Leslie: How have we never noticed that Charlotte is afraid of planes?

Sam: Well, Diane doesn’t notice anything. I don’t know what our excuse is.

Charlotte: You’re all just a bit self-centered.

Frances: That’s a pretty apt description. Leslie spent half the flight looking at herself in her little mirror.

Leslie: I thought I had something in my teeth!

Frances: For four hours?

Garry: Oh will you guys shut up and get off the plane?

Charlotte: Garry! Always a voice of reason! Where’d you come from?

Sam: I feel nauseous.

France: You’re not the only one.

Garry: Unlike you all, I sat in coach.

Leslie: Oh, honey… are you okay? Do you need a raise? I can’t give you one but I can talk to  Paul about it!

Garry: I’m fine. I just find first class to be a ripoff. I don’t need to be pampered, I’m not flying on a plane for comfort.

Sam: I’m pretty sure he’s broke, Les. Maybe we shouldn’t force him to pay for all of our meals this time.

Garry: I thought those credit card bills were high…

Man: Get out of the aisle you idiot!

Diane: Aww, someone other than Sam calling Garry an idiot.

Leslie: If Sam weren’t married and a lesbian, I’d say they’re a match made in heaven.

Charlotte: I’m getting off of this plane. If you all want to stay on and chat, I’ll see you at the gate in a few minutes.

Diane: I’m coming, too.

Sam: We all are, Diane. Don’t sound so needy.

Fifteen minutes later…

Leslie: Okay, I know this is a question I should’ve thrown out there when we disembarked, but I truly have no idea where we’re heading.

Diane: We’re trying to find the car rentals.

Leslie: Why is this airport so big? It’s in Rhode Island, nothing’s big here.

Garry: Hey!

Carly: Get your mind out of the gutter, Garry. My god.

Garry: I didn’t mean that! I meant “hey, there’s the car rentals.”

Carly: Oh, sorry honey. Men are always so self-conscious about the size of their -

Sam: Stop! I do not want to discuss Garry in any way, especially not that.

Diane: What’s happening?

Frances: They’re talking about rolling pins, Diane.

Charlotte: No, I’m pretty sure they’re talking about penises.

Sam: Quiet! Don’t steal Diane’s innocence!

Diane: I’m married with children, Sam! I’m not a child.

Sam: I didn’t realize we had Katey Sagal with us today!

Diane: Do you know the difference between Sam and a fat, braying ass?

Sam: This should be good.

Diane: The braying ass would.

Frances: Hey, that’s a line from Cheers!

Charlotte: That’s it!

Sam: That’s what?

Charlotte: That’s the other Sam and Diane that I know of! From Cheers!

Diane: What are the odds that me and Sam share a name with the characters from Cheers?

Sam: They’re common names.

Leslie: You were all so concerned about finding the car rental place and now we’re standing here talking about Cheers and arguing about Garry’s p-

Sam: Don’t finish that though. Let’s go get the car.

Charlotte: Cars! We rented three.

Sam: Well, I only care about my own. Can you even drive in America? You don’t drive correctly over in jolly old England. You don’t even know what side of the road to drive on.

Charlotte: I have a driver’s license, Sam. An American driver’s license.

Diane: You mean like Olivia Rodrigo?

Sam: Who?

Diane: You’re old, you don’t know the music of the kids.

Sam: You’re like ten years older than me.

Leslie: Sam, let Diane feel young if she wants to! Let her listen to Olivia Newton-John.

Diane: Olivia Ro-

Leslie: I simply don’t care enough to get it right, Diane.

Sam: No one does…

Leslie: I’m getting the car. Frances, Charlotte, please follow me if you want to avoid riding with cranky or Garry.

Frances: I’m on my way!

Diane: Wait, Leslie! I’m coming!

Leslie: I didn’t go anywhere yet.

Charlotte: Oh, how happy I am to be back to filming.

Frances: Technically we don’t start filming until Monday. This is like a nice vacation.

Charlotte: Nothing about this is a vacation, Frances.

Frances: Keep your head up, we have fun!

Garry: Yes, that’s what we have. Fun.

Carly: Garry, I just realized we forgot to tell my mother we were flying out today. She’s gonna be furious we didn’t ask her to come!

Sam: Carly, don’t make Garry talk any more than he has to!

One hour later, at the Riviera Inn…

Leslie: Oh, home again!

Diane (singing): Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever gonna make it home again, it’s so far and out of sight.

Sam: Carole King, you are not.

Melanie: I know that voice anywhere! You’re here!

Diane (crying): Melanie! Oh my god, it’s so god to see you. It’s been too long.

Melanie: Diane, you don’t need to cry. It’s only been like four months and I’m not that special.

Diane: It feels like so much longer, you look so different.

Charlotte: You look the same to me dear, but it’s lovely to see you.

Sam: Diane’s memory is goin’, it’s sad, really.

Melanie: Charlotte, congrats on the movie! I didn’t get a chance to call you but I’m so proud of you.

Charlotte: It’s the top-grossing movie of 2021, but not bragging about it.

Diane: She’s nominated for an MTV award.

Charlotte: I was. I lost.

Diane: You know, the Eagles didn’t win Best New Artist at the Grammys but look at them now!

Sam: Old? Partly dead? Kinda like you!

Melanie: The movie was great, Charlotte, no matter what those MTV people say. I smell an Oscar.

Frances: Ha!

Charlotte: Is that funny to you?

Frances: Yeah, it is.

Charlotte: It’s kinda funny to me, too.

Melanie: I mean it, Charlotte. You’re a great actress.

Diane: To think, when we first met her, she was on a terrible sitcom called Princess of Space.

Sam: And Frances hated her!

Frances: I did not hate her! I just didn’t want her on my show.

Leslie: Look at you guys, drudging up old feelings. Classic us.

Melanie: So, do you guys want to go get settled in. My shift ends at six, we can go for dinner when I’m done.

Diane: Wait, it’s not six yet?

Leslie: It’s been a long day, give her a break.

Sam: I didn’t say anything.

Leslie: You wanted to.

Sam: I did.

Melanie: Okay, four rooms again, right?

Frances: Yup, still staying with my bestie Leslie!

Leslie: It’s economically and environmentally the smartest choice. Less waste than us having individual rooms.

Frances: You love staying with me, admit it!

Leslie: Can we have our room keys now, Melanie?

Melanie: Oh, of course! You’re all on the second floor. Rooms 202, 204, 206, and 208.

Diane: We aren’t staying next to each other?

Melanie: You are, the even numbers are on the west side and the odd numbers are on the east. So you’re all next to one another.

Sam: Damn, I thought we’d be far away from Garry.

Garry: I love you too, Sam.

Melanie: So I’ll see you guys in a half-hour so we can head to dinner if that’s all right with you guys. We have so much to catch up on.

Leslie: Yeah, you didn’t get to hear about Frances’s tour of Europe yet! Fun stuff!

Frances: I bought my photo albums!

Melanie: What’s a photo album?

Frances: Are you serious?

Melanie: Of course not! I’m not that young. I know what a Polaroid is.

Frances: Polaroid? I haven’t used a Polaroid in -

Melanie: Here’s your room keys!

Sam: I’ve been thinking -

Diane: Can you save it until after we get our stuff up to our room?

Sam: Okay, fine. No need to get testy.

Diane: Woooooooow.

Thirty minutes later, in the lobby…

Melanie: You guys ready to go? A new place opened up in town that I thought you guys would love, it’s a seafood place.

Diane: That’ll be great! We love trying new foods!

Frances: Except for Garry, he has a weak stomach.

Sam: “Weak” is a pretty good word to describe Garry in general.

Garry: You know what? You are so ru-

Leslie’s phone rings.

Diane: Saved by the ring!

Leslie: I’m gonna take this and then we’re gonna head to the restaurant, okay?

Melanie: Take your time, I had a late lunch so I’m good.

Frances: I’m not. Hurry it up, Les.

Leslie: I will. Trust me, I don’t want this phone call to last long either.

Leslie answers her phone.

Leslie: What’s going on?

Paul: Is that any way to greet your boss?

Leslie: I could’ve cursed at you.

Paul: “Hello, Paul.” “How are you, Paul?”

Leslie: What’s up?

Paul: Just calling to see how the flight went. Nothing’s wrong, don’t worry.

Leslie: I wasn’t worried. I don’t care enough to worry about you.

Paul: Was the flight bad? You’re cranky.

Leslie: It was exhausting, as it always is. Not only because it was so long, but also because everyone spend 90% of the flight complaining. Except for Diane, she’s just happy to be getting out of the house.

Paul: Everything seems to be normal, then?

Leslie: Yes, everything’s running normal.

Paul: Okay, I’ll be flying out in a few weeks just to make sure everything’s running smoothly again, but I’m sure you guys are all good.

Leslie: You really don’t have to come, Paul. We can handle this on our own.

Paul: I really need the vacation, I’m coming.

Leslie: Okay then. See you in a few weeks.

Paul: Have fun, Leslie. Not too much fun, though. We still need you to work on our #1 show so we have it to air in September.

Leslie: You don’t have to worry about Bake Your Heart Out, we’re gonna work like we always do: at a moderately-fast, one-episode-a-week pace.

Paul: We really should work on speeding up production.

Leslie: Paul… come on.

Paul: Okay, your production speed is just fine. As long as you keep those ratings up!

Leslie: We will, bye Paul!

Paul: Bye, Leslie.

Sam: Are you ready, yet? I’m starving!

Diane: You wouldn’t be if you ate the snacks on the plane.

Sam: Airline pretzels are disgusting.

Leslie: I’m ready, let’s get to dinner!

Frances: We sure are back, aren’t we?

Garry: It’s been too long since we’ve all sat down together for dinner. I’m excited. I almost forgot why I wasn’t excited to get back to work.

Sam: Ugh, Garry…

Garry: I remember now.

Leslie: Come on guys, let’s go!

Charlotte: You guys are talking like we’re going to Disney World. We’re just going to dinner.

Sam: I prefer dinner. There’s no screaming, puking children at dinner.

Diane: Well… usually.

What did you think of the season premiere of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!


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