The group is at breakfast at the Oceanside Diner.
Leslie: We’re back to work today, isn’t that fun?
Sam: It’s too early in the morning for you to be this chipper.
Leslie: I’m finally back to my old self again, you should be happy!
Sam: I preferred the bitter Leslie from the first few days of us being here.
Leslie: The jet leg and fatigue are gone and I’m ready to get to work!
Charlotte: I am, too. Sure Rhode Island is nice but we’ve been here four days and I’m ready to get to why we’re actually here. I miss the show!
Sam: You people are insane! You miss work?
Charlotte: Yes, is that completely inconceivable to you?
Sam: Yes!
Diane: Don’t mind her, she hates joy.
Frances: Speaking of joy, I think it’s obvious who is most excited for us to be getting back to work.
Sam: It’s clearly Diane. She’s been singing about it all day.
Charlotte: You mean like when Frances and Garry sang All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You to one another at your party?
Sam: No, Diane prefers I’m So Excited by the Pointer Sisters.
Diane: Well, I am excited. It’s a big day!
Frances: Carly is clearly the most excited for us to be filming. She gets a nice, long break from Garry every day and gets to go off to the beach. What more could she ask for?
Sam: A divorce?
Charlotte: You know, I think we really ought to stop picking on Garry so much. Is he the most interesting one here? No! But he’s a nice, respectful, kind person who doesn’t deserve to be the butt of every joke.
Frances: Me and Diane are the butt of some of the jokes!
Charlotte: I mean it! Let’s be nicer to Garry!
Sam: Hey, me and Diane are the comedians here, Downton Abbey. Stop coming for our gig.
Garry: It was a nice attempt. It failed but it was nice of you to try.
Charlotte: Well, it’s not a total fail. I won’t make fun of you anymore.
Sam: Even when he’s in that tie?
Garry: I love this tie!
Sam: You would.
Diane: Sam, reel it in. You are in rare form this morning.
Sam: I’m going back to work. Who wouldn’t be miserable?
Frances: Everyone sitting at this table. We get paid to eat dessert. This is the dream.
Sam: I get paid to be happy and cheery on camera. This is my hell!
Charlotte: Seriously, how is this job a fit for you?
Sam: I will never know.
Garry: How’d you even get hired?
Diane: Leslie wanted me and the only way to get me was to hire Sam, too. Right, Les?
Leslie: I am far too scared of Sam to answer that question.
Charlotte: No one’s eating anymore.
Sam: That’s because no one has any food left. Hard to eat without food on your plate!
Charlotte: What I’m saying is, maybe we should get going.
Leslie: That’s a good idea. Good to get to the studio early, get re-acclimated and get you guys all gussied up for the camera!
Frances: I can’t speak for them but I think I look great so it won’t take long for me.
Diane: Frances, you’re wearing a t-shirt from the San Luis Obispo County Chili Cook-off.
Sam: And your hair… yikes.
Frances: I know I’m not a comedian like you guys but I thought it was pretty clear I was making a joke!
Diane: Oh, good one…
Frances: The two of you…
Leslie: Come on guys, let’s go pay so we can get to work!
Sam: I am so ready to work!
Leslie: Then let’s go!
Thirty minutes later, at the studio…
Leslie: Well, it’s just like I remember.
Sam: That’s because it’s been four months and not four decades.
Leslie: Things can change in four months.
Sam: Not when it’s been untouched for four months.
Leslie: It hasn’t been completely untouched.
Sam: Anyway, we should ready. I’m sure the hair and makeup people are -
Leslie: Not here yet. They don’t get here for ten more minutes. Speaking of which, someone else is coming today…
Frances: Is it Melanie?
Leslie: Why would Melanie come?
Frances: Wishful thinking.
Leslie: Paul is coming to visit us!
Diane: Not again…
Leslie: Yes, again! Aren’t you all so excited?
Garry: No one’s excited to see Paul. He’s the only one that they hate more than me.
Sam: Eh. It’s a toss-up.
Garry: That sure warms the heart.
Charlotte: I hate him more than you, that’s for sure.
Garry: You’re too kind.
Sam: No she isn’t, she’s British.
Charlotte: What does that have to do with anything?
Sam: British people are notoriously not very nice.
Charlotte: What a dreadful stereotype!
Diane: I’m going to my dressing room. You guys are raining on my parade and ruining my cheery mood!
Sam: Good, it’s unnatural!
Leslie: Look, the hair and makeup people are here!
Frances: Good, mama needs all the help she can get!
Sam: Hopefully the wardrobe people get here so they can find Garry something else to wear.
Garry: I like this vest!
Sam: You would.
Garry: Is that the default response now?
Sam: Yeah.
Leslie: Why was I excited for this?
Sam: My point exactly!
One hour later…
Leslie: Everyone to the stage please, everyone to the stage! We’re ready to film!
Garry: I’ve never understood why we have to come out here and watch while Sam and Diane do their thing. Why cant we stay in our dressing rooms?
Frances: Do you ever stop complaining? This is why people hate you, Garry.
Charlotte: I don’t hate him!
Frances: Then get a room!
Diane: We’re really starting now! Let’s go!
Sam: Dial it back, Diane. You look like you’re high on Adderall.
Diane: I’m just high on life.
Sam: I hate that phrase more than words can even describe.
Leslie: Let’s get to work!
Sam: Here we go…
Diane: Here we go!
Sam: Hello and welcome to another season of Bake Your Heart Out!
Diane: It’s been a while but we’re here for you once again, just like old friends.
Sam: We’ll be here for you, six months out of the year. Because we’re your friends.
Diane: I think we’re getting distracted. Shall we introduce our contestants?
Sam: Why not?
Diane: Up first is Allen, an attorney from Culver City, California!
Sam: Wonder if either of us have ever used him!
Diane: You probably have!
Sam: We also have Carter, a retired basketball player from Toledo, Ohio!
Diane: From basketball to baking, that’s a pretty natural career trajectory, I’d say.
Sam: More natural than the trajectory from an up-and-coming comedian in the LA scene to a host of a baking show.
Diane: Darren is a librarian from Nashua, New Hampshire! Most of our contestants had to fly out here, Darren just had to get in his car and drive. Hopefully he can still appreciate the beauty of Rhode Island even if it’s not new.
Sam: Jerome is a realtor from Panama City, Florida. Jerome, we are so happy to have you here and give you a break from, you know, Florida.
Leslie: We’re gonna edit that out.
Diane: Lena is a homemaker from Wichita Falls, Texas. That would suggest to most that she has plenty of time to perfect her baking craft but as a former homemaker myself, I can say she has absolutely no time to do anything for herself!
Sam: Marlene is a retiree from Boston, Massachusetts.
Diane: Wicked!
Sam: Pahk the cah at Hahvahd Yahd!
Diane: We should probably stop before everyone in Boston turns off their televisions.
Sam: Yeah I think that’s wise.
Diane: Michael is a college student from Dubuque, Iowa and I must say, it -
Sam: Diane, we’re an hour show.
Diane: Okay, no fun anecdotes from me for the rest of the show.
Sam: America and I thank you.
Diane: You’re not welcome!
Sam: Sharon is a talk show host from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin and we are not going to joke about her accent because we’re in hot enough water already!
Diane: Tianna is a teacher from Lake Havasu City, Arizona. Let’s hope her baking isn’t as dry as the heat in her hometown.
Sam: Verna is a news producer from Murrieta, California.
Diane: Isn’t that the mayor of New Orleans? Her mom was on the show last season!
Sam: No, that’s Marietta. Murrieta is how people from Marietta, Georgia say the name of their city.
Diane: I think we’ve offended a lot of people tonight.
Sam: Hey, we’re comedians!
Diane: And finally, Wilson is a taxi driver from Brooklyn!
Sam: Diane is excited for Wilson to be on the show because, little-known fact, she used to work for a taxi service.
Diane: It’s true, I did! I got fired after a couple weeks. It’s actually very painful to discuss.
Sam: Well, luckily we don’t need to discuss your personal life, only the contestants’!
Diane: That’s right, Sam! Because, bakers, now that you’re all here, Sam and I have really been hankering for some cookies, and you’re gonna make them for us!
Sam: I think they need some clarification. Let’s turn it over to the judges!
Charlotte: You’re not just making any cookies, you’re making cookies based on your lives!
Frances: We want two different types of cookies from each of you, all based on experiences from your lives and decorated in a way that will teach us something about you.
Garry: Get creative, this is your first chance to make an impression on us.
Charlotte: We all know how important a first impression can be!
Diane: You have two hours for this bake. Good luck, everyone!
Sam, Diane, Frances, Garry and Charlotte exit the stage.
Garry: All that waiting to say one sentence.
Frances: Waaa waaa.
Diane: My feet are killing me, I think I need to change my shoes.
Sam: I told you not to wear such high heels!
Frances: To be fair, Sam. She probably saw you in your Chuck Taylors and was horrified by how casual you looked.
Sam: At least my feet aren’t in pain! Diane can’t say the same thing.
Charlotte: We don’t have to be on screen for a while. Let’s all go relax in your dressing room for a bit while you change your shoes.
Diane: Thank you for caring, Charlotte. You’re the only nice one around here!
Garry: I didn’t say anything.
Diane: You’re right, but you’re, well, you’re Garry. You’ll screw up soon enough.
Garry: Why did I want this job back so badly?
Sam: You and I can actually relate to one another on that one. Neither of us knows why we came back!
In Diane’s dressing room…
Diane: So, guys. I completely forgot to tell you earlier today about what happened last night.
Charlotte: You mean aside from Sam passing out at 9:30 because she was so drunk.
Diane: Yes, aside from that. So, I got a call from a -
Leslie: Guys, we need you on the set!
Diane: Now? Really?
Leslie: Paul just got here.
Sam: Well now I’m not coming.
Leslie: Just get out here.
Diane: Okay, my story can wait!
Back on the set…
Paul: Hello everybody. You all look great. And Garry.
Garry: Oh, come on.
Paul: That tie, man. Butt ugly.
Sam: I’ve seen much prettier butts.
Paul: That’s true.
Frances: As much as we all love to insult Garry, what are you here for besides that?
Paul: I’m just overseeing production for the first few weeks. This is my top show, I’m taking a hands-on approach to filming. Gotta make sure it’s a well-oiled machine.
Diane: We always have been a well-oiled machine, what makes you think
Frances: Hey, there was that season where you two left and DeAnna replaced you. That was not well-oiled at all. It was like we replaced motor oil with vegetable oil.
Sam: Thankfully you have me and Diane around now to keep you all sane.
Paul: To tell you all the truth, a month-long vacation sounded pretty nice, too.
Diane: Now, that actually makes sense. It’s very nice here.
Sam: Especially when you don’t have to do any work.
Paul: I work very hard, I’ll have you know. I’ll be spending most of this trip on the phone in business meetings.
Leslie: I don’t mean to interrupt your conversation, but it would be truly lovely if Sam and Diane could come do their jobs and talk to the contestants about what they're baking.
Paul: You guys get to work, I’ll be here all month!
Sam: Oh… yay.
Paul: Try to contain your excitement!
Later that night, in the lobby of the Riviera Inn…
Melanie: Guys! How did the first day of filming go?
Leslie: Melanie, what are you doing sitting there? I don’t think your bosses would appreciate you relaxing on the job.
Melanie: Thankfully my shift’s over! I was jut waiting for you guys to get here so we could talk.
Charlotte: She’s talking to us without even being paid for it, she really does love us!
Melanie: You’ve been talking about returning to filming ever since you got here so I had to wait around and see how it went. And, also, maybe we can get dinner. It’s not like I need to get home.
Garry: Don’t you have a child?
Melanie: Don’t you?
Garry: That reminds me, I should tell Carly if we’re going to dinner.
Sam: Wow, Garry even managed to make Melanie mad at him.
Melanie: I’m not mad at him, I just like messing with him.
Diane: We had a nice day filming today, it’s great to be b-
Sam: Ahhhhh!!!!!
Diane: Oh my god, Sam. What is the matter with you?
Sam: Him.
Frances: Garry just went upstairs, he isn't even down here.
Sam: Him.
Paul: Hello again, long time no see!
Leslie: Paul, what are you doing here?
Paul: I’m staying here!
Sam: I feel like Im going to faint.
Melanie: Do it on the couch, please. Too much paperwork if you fall and give yourself a concussion or die.
Sam: Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this?
Paul: Well, Dusty Springfield, I thought it would be fun to stay here and maybe become part of the gang!
Frances: We’re not taking applications, we’re full. Charlotte barely got in and Garry is always on the precipice of being kicked out.
Charlotte: What do you mean I barely got in?
Frances: Well, you know.
Charlotte: No I do not!
Diane: She means she hated you at first and didn’t consider you a part of the group.
Charlotte: How heartwarming!
Melanie: Am I in the group?
Frances: Of course, everyone loves you.
Garry: Okay, Carly feels sick and isn’t coming to dinner. Let’s go!
Diane: You’re leaving your wife home alone to take care of your child while she’s sick?
Garry: She’s not that sick, she just has a headache.
Sam: I’m sure you’re used to her having headaches. Especially at bedtime.
Garry: What’s that supposed to mean?
Paul: You guys are going to dinner? You know what, I really do want to make an attempt to get friendly with all of you. It’s on me!
Sam: Excuse me?
Leslie: I think that’s a great idea!
Sam: Group meeting!
Leslie: About?
Sam: Group. Meeting.
Everyone, aside from Paul, walks to the corner of the room.
Sam: What are we doing, people?
Leslie: Going to dinner. I’m hungry.
Melanie: I have a granola bar in my purse if anyone wants it.
Leslie: That’s sweet but I’d rather eat dirt.
Melanie: Yeah, me too. That’s why I’m trying to get rid of it.
Charlotte: Paul has always been respectful to me and I don’t see any reason to not let him hang around with us while he's here. It can’t hurt to be friendly with the head of the network.
Diane: I’m certainly no fan of him but we shouldn’t make enemies with him.
Sam: Are you forgetting what he did?
Diane: No! He tried to pay us far less than we deserved and for that I’ll never trust him, but if he wants to pay for dinner, so be it.
Leslie: I can’t believe Diane is the rational one here.
Charlotte: Hey! Charlotte, too!
Melanie: I don’t know the man so I can’t speak on his history but he seems lonely. Just let him come with.
Sam: Fine. Garry can sit next to him, though.
Garry: What? I’m not the one who wants him to come!
Sam: But you’re the only one here who deserves to sit next to him.
Garry: Fine…
Leslie: Paul! Great news, we’re gonna go dinner!
Paul: That’s what the conversation was about? Whether or not you were gonna do the thing the already decided to do?
Leslie: What can I say, we’re a weird bunch. Let’s go!
Sam: Hey, Paul.
Diane: Oh no…
Sam: You want to be part of the group, right?
Paul: I want to be friendly with you guys, I don’t need to go to the spa with you or anything.
Frances: We don’t go to the spa. Garry would embarrass us.
Sam: Do you do this with all of your shows? Or is it just us?
Paul: You’re the only ones on my network right now who’ve ever been a Nielsen #1 show. You’re the only ones who matter in my eyes.
Sam: Okay. I’m glad to be in an exclusive club, at least!
Paul: So, where are we going for dinner?
Diane: Melanie, where we going?
Melanie: There’s a new Mexican restaurant in town called El Diablo’s, it looks great.
Paul: I don’t know about Mexican… anything more upscale? Something that won’t upset my stomach.
Frances: Wow, Paul. Racist.
Sam: Remember Melanie, he’s paying.
Melanie: There’s one place I’ve always wanted to try. It’s a French place called Laurent’s.
Paul: Sounds good, let’s go.
Leslie: I think this is gonna be a fun night!
Sam: Glad someone does!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
