Teri wakes up in bed next to her boyfriend, James.
Teri: Trig!
No answer.
Teri: Trigger!
No answer.
Teri: James!
No answer.
Teri: James Napolitano! Wake up now!
James: What?
Teri: Where the hell are we?
James: We’re in Las Vegas.
Teri: I know, that James. We aren’t in our hotel room. Where are we?
James: Do you remember anything from last night?
Teri: No.
James: Good, neither do I.
Teri: So we’re laying in a bed in a place we don’t know and can’t remember anything from last night. Have we been kidnapped?
James: I don’t think so. We seem to be free to go.
Teri: Well, as long as we seem to be free, all is well.
Teri receives a phone call. She answers.
Betty: Teresa Ann Bellwood, where are you?
Teri: Hi, mom.
Betty: Where are you?
Cindy: Mom, relax. You’re screaming into her ear.
Betty: Teri, answer me!
Teri: Okay, so this is a loaded question.
Betty: What?
Teri: Mom, I don’t know where I am.
Betty: Oh my god, my baby is missing!
Ralph: I’m right here, ma.
Betty: I don’t need your jokes right now, Ralph.
Ralph: That hurts.
Teri: Don’t call the cops, mom.
Cindy: Too late.
Betty: I didn’t call them. I started dialing the number, but I just stopped.
Teri: That’s good.
Betty: How do you not know where you are?
Teri: Another loaded question.
Betty: Where are you?
Teri: I don’t know!
Betty: How?
Karl: Betty, you have to ask something else, this is just going in circles.
Teri: I got drunk last night with James.
Betty: You mean Tigger?
Teri: Yes, Tigger. We got drunk, and apparently went off to some cheap motel instead of getting back to the hotel. Probably because I forgot the name of our hotel.
Betty: Caesars Palace. We’re staying at Caesars Palace.
Teri: I was very drunk.
James: Teri…
Teri: Not now, Tigger.
James: Yes, now.
Teri: What is it that’s so important?
James: We are married.
Teri: This is a crappy way to propose to someone. Read the room.
James: I’m not proposing. I’m telling you what happened last night.
Teri: We got married?
Betty: You did what? And you didn’t invite me?
Teri: I didn’t even invite my brain! My body did it all on its own.
Betty: You have so much explaining to do. How could you get married?
Karl: Did I hear you say Teri got married?
Betty: You sure did. Our daughter doesn’t think.
Cindy: I eloped to get married as a pregnant teenager and even I invited you and dad to the wedding.
Teri: Again, I didn’t realize anything happened. I was blackout drunk.
James: I was, too.
Teri: What, am I not good enough to marry?
James: That’s not what I mean.
Teri: Mom, I’m gonna let you go, okay?
Betty: Just get here as quick as you can, okay? We have that Celine Dion concert tonight and I wanted to go on one of those gondola rides. We need you for all of that.
Teri: Okay, I will be there. It’s still nine in the morning, don’t be too worried. At least you know I’m alive.
Betty: I appreciate the Celine Dion reference.
Teri: The what? Talk to you later, mom.
Teri hangs up.
Teri: So, James. We’re in an interesting predicament. How’d we get here? Actually, how do you even know we’re married?
James: First, I saw pictures of us at a chapel on my phone. They’re very poorly-lit and not from the most flattering angle so I don’t know if you want to see them or not.
Teri: Just hand me the phone.
Teri swipes through the photos.
Teri: Yeah, we are married.
James: My blushing bride sounds so thrilled!
Teri: I’m not, James. I really am not. I didn’t plan for my wedding to go anything like this. I wanted to actually remember it.
James: I also found our marriage license.
Teri: You did? Is it legit?
James: What’s the answer you’re hoping for here?
Teri: No!
James: Well…
Teri: Dammit. I guess we can worry about that later, though. Right now, let’s work on getting the hell out of… wherever this is.
James: We are free to leave whenever we want to. Let’s just make sure we have everything and then I guess we’ll check out at the desk.
Teri: That’s the thing. Do we have to check out? For all we know, we broke into here and if we go to check out, they’ll have us arrested.
James: That’s insane.
Teri: Is it?
James: Are you still drunk?
Teri: No!
James: Then, let’s go.
Teri and James walk to the lobby.
Teri: Ooh, grab one of those linzer cookies for me while I check out.
James: Grab what?
Teri: The little cookie with jelly in it. It’s the only thing on the snack table.
James: Okay, I’ll go look.
Teri walks over to the reception desk, where she is greeted by a receptionist, Janet.
Janet: Hello, welcome to the Sunshine Hotel! How may I help?
Teri: Checkout from 6B.
Janet: 6B? You don’t look like James Napolitano.
Teri: He’s my boyfriend. Well, my husband. For now.
Janet: I don’t know what that means, but it’s not of my business. As soon as he comes over, we can get on with the checkout.
Teri: James, come here!
James: But your cookie!
Teri: Forget the cookie, we gotta go!
James: Okay, I’m here!
Janet: ID, please?
James: Here ya go!
Janet: Okay, thank you. Do you have your keys?
James: Here.
Janet: You guys were in quite a state last night when you stumbled in. I’m a bit impressed that you didn’t lose one of the keys. I’m also a bit impressed that you were able to make your way to your room at all.
Teri: We are pretty amazing, thank you.
One hour later, at the Bellwoods’ suite at Caesars Palace…
Velma: You’re here! Someone let Betty know!
Betty: Is she here?
Ralph: Yes, mom. Your favorite is here!
Betty: I don’t have a favorite.
Mitchell: It’s over, guys. Betty won. None of us will say anything funnier than this during the whole week we’re here. Give her the swear jar money now.
Betty: It’s not funny!
Cindy: Oh, it sure is. Don’t worry, though. I know I’m number two in your heart.
Ralph: I have no objections to that. I’m fine with being a strong number three.
Tammi: Number three? Don’t you forget about me!
Frank: Honey, don’t sing the song from The Breakfast Club.
Tammi: What?
Frank: That’s the song from The Breakfast Club?
Teri: My god, I’m here for a minute and I already want to leave again. No wonder I got so drunk last night that I got married.
Mitchell: You got married?
Velma: Mitchell, I swear to god…
Betty: Don’t leave, we’re so excited your here. You look terrible, though. You should shower.
Teri: You’re such a charmer, mom.
Betty: I know.
Karl: James, we have two bathrooms. You should use the other and get cleaned up. Betty’s very excited to get out to the strip and have some fun.
Betty: It’s getting late, we need to hurry.
Teri: We will, we will.
Teri and James walk away and go to shower.
Betty: This is weird, right. I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s weird. Right?
Cindy: What do you mean?
Betty: Teri got married last night and we’re just going on with our day? How do we do that?
Danielle: She got drunk and made a mistake, no need to remind her of it.
Betty: A mistake? She’s been with James for so long, she wouldn’t marry him if she wasn’t sure.
Cindy: She was drunk.
Betty: I’ve been drunk many times -
Ralph: We know.
Betty: I’ve never married someone because I was drunk. She wanted to do it. We should celebrate that and do something for her.
Jerry: What do you want to do for her? You’re taking us to some horrible Celine Dion concert, we don’t have time for anything.
Betty: Of course we have time for something. Not a party like I’d like to do, but we can have a nice lunch together and have them bring out a cake so we can celebrate.
Cindy: I like cake. I can go with that.
Betty: See, I have good ideas sometimes.
Ralph: I’m not so sure about that.
Velma: I guess I should put away my chicken salad so I don’t spoil my appetite.
Betty: I would.
One hour later, at the restaurant…
Betty: Hey there, uh, Skippy.
“Skippy”: It’s Skip.
Betty: Okay, Skip. Can you make me a big, white cake that says “Congratulations Teri and James” on it?
Skip: I’m not a baker, so no. I can ask the people in the kitchen to write that on one of our cakes, though.
Betty: That is obviously what I meant.
Skip: It’s not what you said.
Betty: I can tell you’re going to be real fun.
Cindy: Mom, please don’t kill him. You’d go to jail.
Karl: It’s also illegal and morally wrong.
Cindy: Who cares about that?
Tammi: Mom! What is wrong with you?
Jerry: So much.
Teri: Mom, what is wrong with you?
Betty: I give too much.
Teri: Huh? No, what are you doing here? Cake? Congratulations?
Betty: You got married!
Teri: Yes, but it was an accident. I didn’t want to do it.
James: That hurts.
Betty: I still want to celebrate this marriage.
Teri: You were mad at me over it about two hours ago.
Betty: I’m over that now!
Teri: You confuse me so much.
Karl: She confuses us all, honey.
Teri: Mom, I don’t want to stay married. I want to get an annulment.
James: You what?
Velma: See what you’ve done, Betty?
Danielle: You were all for this, Velma. We all were. Pipe down.
Jerry: I was not for it!
Cindy: Jerry, I love you. Now, kindly, shut up.
James: Why don’t you want to stay married?
Teri: You didn’t want to, either!
James: I did some thinking in the shower, and I decided we should try and make this work.
Teri: Did you?
James: I did.
Teri: Don’t I need to consent to that?
James: I was hoping you would if you just thought about it.
Ralph: We’re making a scene.
Skip: I -
Betty: Skip! About our cake -
Skip: You all need to leave. You’re disturbing our other diners.
Betty: We are not!
Ralph: We are.
Karl: We’ll go. Thank you for not calling security.
Skip: About that…
Karl: We need to leave now!
Cindy: Jerry, stop eating that spaghetti and let’s get out of here!
That night, at the concert…
Betty: Teri, you came?
Teri: It was a tremendously frustrating day, but I’m not missing the dulcet tones of Celine Dion.
Cindy: Where’s James?
Teri: We broke up.
Karl: Honey, I’m so sorry.
Teri: My heart will go on.
Karl: What happened?
Teri: The annulment offense him and he said he didn’t want to be with someone who was still so unsure of being together after all of this time.
Karl: I’m really sorry to hear about that. You don’t need him, though. You’re going to be fine on your own.
Teri: I know. Mom, how was the gondola ride?
Betty: It was lovely, until your father almost fell in.
Karl: I did not!
Ralph: You did, dad.
Karl: I saved myself!
Ralph: You still almost fell in.
Karl: Fine.
Betty: We should get into the concert. The queen of Canada doesn’t wait for anyone.
Frank: Got your earplugs, Jerry?
Jerry: I sure do!
Betty: Can I see those?
Jerry: I guess.
Betty throws Jerry’s earplugs.
Betty: Don’t disrespect Celine.
What did you think of the midseason premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!
