Our House Season 3 Episode 5 - Our Las Vegas (Midseason Premiere)

Our House Season 3, Episode 5
Our Las Vegas

Teri wakes up in bed next to her boyfriend, James.

Teri: Trig!

No answer.

Teri: Trigger!

No answer.

Teri: James!

No answer.

Teri: James Napolitano! Wake up now!

James: What?

Teri: Where the hell are we?

James: We’re in Las Vegas.

Teri: I know, that James. We aren’t in our hotel room. Where are we?

James: Do you remember anything from last night?

Teri: No.

James: Good, neither do I.

Teri: So we’re laying in a bed in a place we don’t know and can’t remember anything from last night. Have we been kidnapped?

James: I don’t think so. We seem to be free to go.

Teri: Well, as long as we seem to be free, all is well.

Teri receives a phone call. She answers.

Betty: Teresa Ann Bellwood, where are you?

Teri: Hi, mom.

Betty: Where are you?

Cindy: Mom, relax. You’re screaming into her ear.

Betty: Teri, answer me!

Teri: Okay, so this is a loaded question.

Betty: What?

Teri: Mom, I don’t know where I am.

Betty: Oh my god, my baby is missing!

Ralph: I’m right here, ma.

Betty: I don’t need your jokes right now, Ralph.

Ralph: That hurts.

Teri: Don’t call the cops, mom.

Cindy: Too late.

Betty: I didn’t call them. I started dialing the number, but I just stopped.

Teri: That’s good.

Betty: How do you not know where you are?

Teri: Another loaded question.

Betty: Where are you?

Teri: I don’t know!

Betty: How?

Karl: Betty, you have to ask something else, this is just going in circles.

Teri: I got drunk last night with James.

Betty: You mean Tigger?

Teri: Yes, Tigger. We got drunk, and apparently went off to some cheap motel instead of getting back to the hotel. Probably because I forgot the name of our hotel.

Betty: Caesars Palace. We’re staying at Caesars Palace.

Teri: I was very drunk.

James: Teri…

Teri: Not now, Tigger.

James: Yes, now.

Teri: What is it that’s so important?

James: We are married.

Teri: This is a crappy way to propose to someone. Read the room.

James: I’m not proposing. I’m telling you what happened last night.

Teri: We got married?

Betty: You did what? And you didn’t invite me?

Teri: I didn’t even invite my brain! My body did it all on its own.

Betty: You have so much explaining to do. How could you get married?

Karl: Did I hear you say Teri got married?

Betty: You sure did. Our daughter doesn’t think.

Cindy: I eloped to get married as a pregnant teenager and even I invited you and dad to the wedding.

Teri: Again, I didn’t realize anything happened. I was blackout drunk.

James: I was, too.

Teri: What, am I not good enough to marry?

James: That’s not what I mean.

Teri: Mom, I’m gonna let you go, okay?

Betty: Just get here as quick as you can, okay? We have that Celine Dion concert tonight and I wanted to go on one of those gondola rides. We need you for all of that.

Teri: Okay, I will be there. It’s still nine in the morning, don’t be too worried. At least you know I’m alive.

Betty: I appreciate the Celine Dion reference.

Teri: The what? Talk to you later, mom.

Teri hangs up.

Teri: So, James. We’re in an interesting predicament. How’d we get here? Actually, how do you even know we’re married?

James: First, I saw pictures of us at a chapel on my phone. They’re very poorly-lit and not from the most flattering angle so I don’t know if you want to see them or not.

Teri: Just hand me the phone.

Teri swipes through the photos.

Teri: Yeah, we are married.

James: My blushing bride sounds so thrilled!

Teri: I’m not, James. I really am not. I didn’t plan for my wedding to go anything like this. I wanted to actually remember it.

James: I also found our marriage license.

Teri: You did? Is it legit?

James: What’s the answer you’re hoping for here?

Teri: No!

James: Well…

Teri: Dammit. I guess we can worry about that later, though. Right now, let’s work on getting the hell out of… wherever this is.

James: We are free to leave whenever we want to. Let’s just make sure we have everything and  then I guess we’ll check out at the desk.

Teri: That’s the thing. Do we have to check out? For all we know, we broke into here and if we go to check out, they’ll have us arrested.

James: That’s insane.

Teri: Is it?

James: Are you still drunk?

Teri: No!

James: Then, let’s go.

Teri and James walk to the lobby.

Teri: Ooh, grab one of those linzer cookies for me while I check out.

James: Grab what?

Teri: The little cookie with jelly in it. It’s the only thing on the snack table.

James: Okay, I’ll go look.

Teri walks over to the reception desk, where she is greeted by a receptionist, Janet.

Janet: Hello, welcome to the Sunshine Hotel! How may I help?

Teri: Checkout from 6B.

Janet: 6B? You don’t look like James Napolitano.

Teri: He’s my boyfriend. Well, my husband. For now.

Janet: I don’t know what that means, but it’s not of my business. As soon as he comes over, we can get on with the checkout.

Teri: James, come here!

James: But your cookie!

Teri: Forget the cookie, we gotta go!

James: Okay, I’m here!

Janet: ID, please?

James: Here ya go!

Janet: Okay, thank you. Do you have your keys?

James: Here.

Janet: You guys were in quite a state last night when you stumbled in. I’m a bit impressed that you didn’t lose one of the keys. I’m also a bit impressed that you were able to make your way to your room at all.

Teri: We are pretty amazing, thank you.

One hour later, at the Bellwoods’ suite at Caesars Palace…

Velma: You’re here! Someone let Betty know!

Betty: Is she here?

Ralph: Yes, mom. Your favorite is here!

Betty: I don’t have a favorite.

Mitchell: It’s over, guys. Betty won. None of us will say anything funnier than this during the whole week we’re here. Give her the swear jar money now.

Betty: It’s not funny!

Cindy: Oh, it sure is. Don’t worry, though. I know I’m number two in your heart.

Ralph: I have no objections to that. I’m fine with being a strong number three.

Tammi: Number three? Don’t you forget about me!

Frank: Honey, don’t sing the song from The Breakfast Club.

Tammi: What?

Frank: That’s the song from The Breakfast Club?

Teri: My god, I’m here for a minute and I already want to leave again. No wonder I got so drunk last night that I got married.

Mitchell: You got married?

Velma: Mitchell, I swear to god…

Betty: Don’t leave, we’re so excited your here. You look terrible, though. You should shower.

Teri: You’re such a charmer, mom.

Betty: I know.

Karl: James, we have two bathrooms. You should use the other and get cleaned up. Betty’s very excited to get out to the strip and have some fun.

Betty: It’s getting late, we need to hurry.

Teri: We will, we will.

Teri and James walk away and go to shower.

Betty: This is weird, right. I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s weird. Right?

Cindy: What do you mean?

Betty: Teri got married last night and we’re just going on with our day? How do we do that?

Danielle: She got drunk and made a mistake, no need to remind her of it.

Betty: A mistake? She’s been with James for so long, she wouldn’t marry him if she wasn’t sure.

Cindy: She was drunk.

Betty: I’ve been drunk many times -

Ralph: We know.

Betty: I’ve never married someone because I was drunk. She wanted to do it. We should celebrate that and do something for her.

Jerry: What do you want to do for her? You’re taking us to some horrible Celine Dion concert, we don’t have time for anything.

Betty: Of course we have time for something. Not a party like I’d like to do, but we can have a nice lunch together and have them bring out a cake so we can celebrate.

Cindy: I like cake. I can go with that.

Betty: See, I have good ideas sometimes.

Ralph: I’m not so sure about that.

Velma: I guess I should put away my chicken salad so I don’t spoil my appetite.

Betty: I would.

One hour later, at the restaurant…

Betty: Hey there, uh, Skippy.

“Skippy”: It’s Skip.

Betty: Okay, Skip. Can you make me a big, white cake that says “Congratulations Teri and James” on it?

Skip: I’m not a baker, so no. I can ask the people in the kitchen to write that on one of our cakes, though.

Betty: That is obviously what I meant.

Skip: It’s not what you said.

Betty: I can tell you’re going to be real fun.

Cindy: Mom, please don’t kill him. You’d go to jail.

Karl: It’s also illegal and morally wrong.

Cindy: Who cares about that?

Tammi: Mom! What is wrong with you?

Jerry: So much.

Teri: Mom, what is wrong with you?

Betty: I give too much.

Teri: Huh? No, what are you doing here? Cake? Congratulations?

Betty: You got married!

Teri: Yes, but it was an accident. I didn’t want to do it.

James: That hurts.

Betty: I still want to celebrate this marriage.

Teri: You were mad at me over it about two hours ago.

Betty: I’m over that now!

Teri: You confuse me so much.

Karl: She confuses us all, honey.

Teri: Mom, I don’t want to stay married. I want to get an annulment.

James: You what?

Velma: See what you’ve done, Betty?

Danielle: You were all for this, Velma. We all were. Pipe down.

Jerry: I was not for it!

Cindy: Jerry, I love you. Now, kindly, shut up.

James: Why don’t you want to stay married?

Teri: You didn’t want to, either!

James: I did some thinking in the shower, and I decided we should try and make this work.

Teri: Did you?

James: I did.

Teri: Don’t I need to consent to that?

James: I was hoping you would if you just thought about it.

Ralph: We’re making a scene.

Skip: I -

Betty: Skip! About our cake -

Skip: You all need to leave. You’re disturbing our other diners.

Betty: We are not!

Ralph: We are.

Karl: We’ll go. Thank you for not calling security.

Skip: About that…

Karl: We need to leave now!

Cindy: Jerry, stop eating that spaghetti and let’s get out of here!

That night, at the concert…

Betty: Teri, you came?

Teri: It was a tremendously frustrating day, but I’m not missing the dulcet tones of Celine Dion.

Cindy: Where’s James?

Teri: We broke up.

Karl: Honey, I’m so sorry.

Teri: My heart will go on.

Karl: What happened?

Teri: The annulment offense him and he said he didn’t want to be with someone who was still so unsure of being together after all of this time.

Karl: I’m really sorry to hear about that. You don’t need him, though. You’re going to be fine on your own.

Teri: I know. Mom, how was the gondola ride?

Betty: It was lovely, until your father almost fell in.

Karl: I did not!

Ralph: You did, dad.

Karl: I saved myself!

Ralph: You still almost fell in.

Karl: Fine.

Betty: We should get into the concert. The queen of Canada doesn’t wait for anyone.

Frank: Got your earplugs, Jerry?

Jerry: I sure do!

Betty: Can I see those?

Jerry: I guess.

Betty throws Jerry’s earplugs.

Betty: Don’t disrespect Celine.

What did you think of the midseason premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Our House Season 3 Episode 5, "Our Las Vegas?"

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