Cindy, Tammi and Velma are in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner while Betty reads a magazine.
Cindy: Oh my goodness, mom. This Tupperware is disgusting!
Betty: What do you mean?
Cindy: It’s supposed to be clear. It’s yellow.
Betty: You can wash that out!
Velma: We’ve been trying. This is baked in.
Tammi: Forty years of use will do that. This is older than me.
Betty: It is not!
Karl: Yes it is! We’ve had this stuff since the kids were young.
Teri: I’m still young!
Karl: You sure are, honey!
Betty: Okay, okay. Fine. You’ve all convinced me. We need new Tupperware.
Cindy: You know, I still have some packed up from when we moved in.
Betty: No. We need new Tupperware. That’s why I’m going to throw a Tupperware party. It’ll be a nice way to get to know the ladies in the neighborhood. I need the help now that I’m out of the country club.
Ralph: You were in the country club for a week! We’ve lived here two years!
Betty: I was finally branching out! I want to keep branching out!
Teri: This is not the way to do it. This is just a fancy pyramid scheme.
Betty: What? You don’t even know what you’re talking about.
Teri: I threw one of these parties once. They asked me to ask some of the ladies that came to it to throw their own, then they asked their friends, so on, so forth. The people that throw them never get fairly compensated for lining the pockets of the company. It’s BS.
Ralph: I mean, you don’t have any problems with McDonald’s and their employees aren’t fairly compensated.
Teri: They get paid, at least.
Ralph: Not enough.
Teri: I agree, no need to get all Karl Marx on me, I’m on your side.
Betty: I’m having this party and don’t you worry about me. It’s not a scheme, it’s a way to have fun and get acquainted with the people we live near.
Teri: Okay, but I’m not helping with it.
Betty: That’s fine, I have plenty of support from everyone else. They’ll help.
Cindy: Who said that?
Betty: You do more with the neighborhood ladies than anyone! You can convince them to come.
Cindy: I’m very busy, mom.
Betty: With what?
Teri: Ooh, burn!
Cindy: You be quiet! You opting to leave our mother to plan a party on her own is the whole reason that I am now going to have to be the one planning it.
Betty: You will not! I’m capable of planning a party on my own!
Karl: I’ll help you. I can go to the store and get you everything you need and help you decorate. You don’t need to worry about much.
Betty: Thank you! Someone cares!
Cindy: What do you want me to do?
Betty: I already told you.
Cindy: Okay, I’ll invite the guests.
Betty: Ralph, you’re the best cook in the house. Can you make the food?
Ralph: Unlike my sisters, I’m not going to complain about it. Of course I’ll make the food, I don’t work, I have to earn my keep somehow.
Betty: Thank you, Ralph! That’s why you’re -
Teri: Don’t say it.
Betty: My -
Teri: Don’t!
Betty: Favorite.
Teri: How dare you?
One week later…
Betty: Cindy! The party is one week and I haven’t gotten any guest confirmations.
Cindy: About that…
Betty: You didn’t!
Cindy: I forgot, okay.
Betty: I barely ask anything of you!
Jerry: That’s such a funny joke.
Betty: It’s not a joke!
Jerry: Come on, Betty. Even you have to know that among all the moms in the world, you’re one of the neediest who asks the most of her children.
Betty: I am not following.
Teri: Jerry’s just being an ass, are we surprised?
Betty: Of course not!
Jerry: You were all calling me a here just a few months back and now I’m an ass?
Teri: Of course we were, you were just retiring from the military, we were all happy for you and proud of your work.
Jerry: No, not then. None of you ever said it then.
Betty: That is untrue.
Jerry: You said it after I helped win the Fall Run.
Teri: To be fair, that is your legacy.
Danielle: Betty, would you like me to invite the neighbors to the party? I can do it since it seems like too much of a hassle for Cindy.
Cindy: It’s not a hassle! I’m just very forgetful. I work long hours around a bunch of snotty kids. I like to get home, make dinner and relax.
Danielle: I work, too, but I can do it. It’s no problem.
Betty: Thank you! There’s no use throwing a party if you can’t have any guests!
Velma: I’m excited for this for some reason. I love parties.
Mitchell: You just want to find some new people to friend on Facebook so you can stalk them.
Velma: You think so little of me.
Mitchell: Well, yeah.
Cindy: So, did I just get cut out of this party entirely?
Betty: You sure did!
Teri: Congrats! Join my club!
One week later…
Betty: Two hours, people! Things look good, but we still have work to do!
Ralph: Where is dad?
Betty: He is… still at the store.
Ralph: What? I need a ingredients yet!
Betty: I thought you were almost done?
Ralph: I have most things done, but the lump crab dip doesn’t really work without the lump crab.
Betty: I’d be included to agree with you.
Tammi: The decorating is done, finally!
Steven: What is all this for? I just want to play Pokemon.
Tammi: Grandma’s having a party. You can Pokemon now.
Steven: That’s not how you say that.
Tammi: Whatever you say, sweetie.
Frank: I don’t even know what all of this is for. Who throws a party over dishes?
Betty: Tupperware is so much more than dishes. It’s a lifestyle.
Frank: That’s scary.
Betty: What? Loving quality, affordable dinnerware is not scary.
Tammi: Grandma, we’re not in the market for Tupperware. We can use yours. You don't have to try and sell it to Frank. Plus, you’re being so aggressive in trying to make that sale, it’s too much.
Teri: Yeah, he’s cheap as hell.
Betty: Okay, I am laying it on a bit thick. You’re right.
Tammi: Just dial it back a bit.
Velma: Yeah, don’t sound so passionate about it that it couldn’t possible be real. No one will bit then, you’ll just sound like someone in an infomercial.
Teri: I refuse to believe that anyone could be passionate at all about plastic containers. I absolutely refuse.
Danielle: We got a pretty nice response, so you’re in the minority in this neighborhood.
Teri: Maybe I’m just built different than all of these suburban Republicans. It’s like every single one of our neighbors is Mitt Romney.
Ralph: I bet Mitt Romney loves Tupperware. He just seems like someone who gets excited when a Tupperware catalogue shows up.
Danielle: We’re going to have about twenty women showing up, which is good since I only asked about twenty-five. Eight said “no,” so I don’t know how we got to twenty, but we’ll find out soon enough!
Teri: Didn’t you ask any men?
Danielle: No. Why would a man want to come to a Tupperware party?
Teri: That’s so sexist!
Frank: Yeah, Teri. Why would a man want to come?
Teri: You are not my friend, Frank.
Ralph: I’d go to a Tupperware party. Hell, I am going to a Tupperware party.
Danielle: Maybe I made a mistake. Doesn’t matter, though. Any husband could come with his wife if he really wanted to.
Karl: I’m home! How much has Ralph been freaking out?
Ralph: Not at all. I’ve been very much enjoying hearing the entire family bickering about plastic containers.
Karl: The decorations look great, guys!
Tammi: Thank you, grandpa. We all helped a little. Except Aunt Teri. She sat there complaining about it.
Teri: Did I not say I wouldn’t help? I think I said that.
Mitchell: I can’t believe I didn’t realize that not helping was an option.
Velma: I think I speak for everyone when I say: “neither can I.”
Mitchell: You are so mean to me!
Velma: I can not believe those words just came out of your stupid mouth.
Betty: People, please! Let’s all stop arguing and get ready for the party if you’re planning to stick around.
Jerry: What if we’re planning to go anywhere else?
Betty: Then just get out of our way.
Zeke: Where are you going, dad? Amelia and I are going to the bar tonight.
Tammi: Of course you are.
Teri: I always forget that he’s here. Surely I’m not the only one.
Jerry: I’m going over to Ben’s for a bonfire.
Cindy: Honey, don’t go. You will fall into the fire.
Tammi: He almost did on the Fourth of July.
Cindy: I know. He spent the night in the emergency room because your grandmother was scared he inhaled smoke.
Betty: That’s what killed the dad on This Is Us!
Jerry: Does anyone want to come with me to the bonfire?
Tammi: Frank?
Teri: Frank, please!
Frank: Sure. I’ll go with. It’s better than being at the Tupperware fan club.
Teri: Yes!
Frank: I will miss my friend, Teri, though.
Teri: Never say that ever again.
Betty: Okay, I’m gonna go take a shower. I guess everyone else should use the other showers or get ready to get in there as soon as someone else gets out. We’ve got a few hours until our new friends come! Ralph, you keep cooking!
Ralph: Wouldn’t dream of anything else!
Two hours later…
Danielle: It is six o’clock, people! Our guests do have long treks to get here, but they should be here any moment.
Betty: Who else is excited?
Teri: Just you.
Velma: And me!
Tammi: I’m excited for that crab dip!
Velma: Aren’t we all? Mitchell sure is. Look at him.
Mitchell: I’m looking respectfully at it.
Ralph: You’re going to all have to wait. It needs to cool for an hour.
Betty: Plus, we’re not going to all eat it before guests get here. It’s for the party, not us,
Mitchell: You can’t tease me like that.
Betty: I can, and I will.
Velma: You tell ‘em, Auntie Betty! Set him straight!
Mitchell: Shut it, Velma!
Velma: You first.
Teri: How about you both shut up? We got rid of Frank and yet I’m still annoyed.
Betty: I see a guest arriving! Everyone love each other again!
Betty opens the door.
Amelia: Is Zeke here?
Betty: Forget it, guys. It’s just Amelia.
Amelia: Aww, this place looks great! Zeke, you sure you don’t want to stay?
Zeke: Yes, of course I am. Why would I want to stay here?
Amelia: They did a good job! I’d like to check it out.
Zeke: Well, you’re not going to.
Amelia: Grandma Betty, can you save an order sheet for me? I want to buy some stuff then.
Betty: Of course I will!
Amelia: Thank you! Now, let’s go, Zeke.
Zeke and Amelia leave.
Betty: I see real people coming!
Jerry: What is my son’s… whatever she is… not good enough for you?
Betty: She wasn’t one of the invited guests, so she didn’t count.
Jerry: I wasn’t invited either, so, time for me to go!
Betty: Bye!
One hour later…
Danielle: Look, everyone is here! Hi Annie!
Annie: I’m so glad you invited me. I don’t get out often, it’s nice to have somewhere to go.
Betty: Try the crab dip, Annie!
Danielle: Everyone make sure to put your name tags on! We aren’t all familiar yet, so that can help us all become fast friends!
Betty: I’ll take it from here, Danielle. Residents of Burnett Avenue!
Olivia (neighbor): Some of us also live on Ochre Road.
Shelby (neighbor): And also Bleufield Court.
Betty: Okay, okay. Burnett Court and surrounding neighborhood.
Olivia: That’s better!
Betty: We are here today to discuss the one thing that truly unites us all: Tupperware. Everybody eats. Everyone has leftovers from time to time. For most of us, our favorite method of food storage is Tupperware. It’s reliable, it’s on -
Karl: Fire!
Betty: No, honey. It’s not on fire. It’s -
The fire alarm goes off.
Karl: There’s a fire! Everyone out!
Betty: We don’t know if it’s real, it might just be the fire alarm acting up. Let’s keep the party going!
Karl: I smell smoke!
Teri: Come on, mom. You don’t want to be like the dad on This Is Us. We need to go.
Velma: Someone save the crab dip!
Shelby: There’s crab dip?
Gloria: I might have to let Betty back in the country club if she lets me take that!
Mitchell: Never!
Betty: Mitchell, no!
Karl: Let’s get out of here, in an orderly fashion.
Betty: We could just wait in here and see for ourselves!
Cindy: Look, mom. I love Jesus, but, uh, I’m not ready to meet him.
Ten minutes later…
Cindy: What could have even caused this?
Betty: Did Ralph leave some food in the oven?
Mitchell: He better not have!
Ralph: It wasn’t me! i was making mojitos.
Mitchell: Can I… have one of those?
Ralph: You make not know this, but there was just a fire in our home.
Mitchell: Is that a no?
Steven: Mom, are we going to lose our house?
Tammi: No, honey. The firemen are going to fix this.
Steven: I left my homework in there. What if it burns?
Teri: Then you got an excuse! When life gives you lemons…
Steven: It’s already done.
Teri: Oh, sorry.
Fire Chief Washington: Ms. Bellwood?
Betty: Oh, please. Ms. Belllwood is my mother-in-law. Well, was. She’s dead now.
Fire Chief Washington: I’m sorry.
Betty: Oh, it wasn’t recent. She was in her nineties when Ronnie Reagan was President.
Fire Chief Washington: Anyway, we were able to put out the fire.
Karl: What started it, Chief Washington?
Fire Chief Washington: It was in the upstairs bathroom. A curling iron was left on a bath towel.
Cindy: In what bathroom?
Fire Chief Washington: The upstairs one, attached to the master bedroom.
Cindy: Mom, care to explain?
Betty: Your father was in there after me!
Teri: Does dad curl his hair now?
Betty: Well, Karl. Do you?
Karl: Not that I’m aware of.
Fire Chief Washington: We’re going to go now. The damage is very minor, just damage to the counter and cabinets and the the wall. You’re lucky you called when you did.
Betty: You hear that, guys? We can get back to the party!
Karl: Betty, it’s over.
Betty: At least I got my own Tupperware replacements out of this. And Amelia is ordering some.
Teri: I said this wouldn’t work. Why does no one listen to Teri?
Cindy: Because you depress us.
Gloria: Betty!
Betty: What is it, Gloria?
Gloria: I grabbed a catalogue and order sheets. Me and some of the ladies filled them out. We felt bad about all the work you did going to waste, so we wanted to order some stuff anyways. Sorry the party didn’t work, but I hope this makes it better for you.
Betty: Thank you, Gloria. In your face, Teri!
Cindy: Yeah, in your face Teri!
What did you think of the new episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!
