The Bullpen Christmas Special 2020: A Christmas Gathering

 

ROBERT is sitting at home. It is 8:00 pm, and the Indianapolis Primitives’ bullpen pitchers are planning to have a Christmas gathering in an hour. He hears the phone ring.

ROBERT
You’ve reached Robert, please leave a message.

ACE
Robert! It’s Ace. The guy from the bullpen. Not the one who—

ROBERT
I know who you are, Ace. What’s up?

ACE
Just checking if you know where the gathering’s gonna be tonight. I asked Felix and he answered “Where do you think it is?” and hung up.

ROBERT
It’s at the bullpen. Pretty much everything we do is.

ACE
Our home bullpen?

ROBERT
I would assume.

ACE
Thanks, you coming right at 9 or a little bit after?

ROBERT
Oh I’m not going. I’m super tired and I’ve been to bullpen Christmas gatherings before. I have the gist of what’s gonna happen. You guys have fun.

ACE
Okay then. So can I be co-bullpen captain in your absence?

ROBERT
I guess. I gotta go now.

ROBERT hangs up the phone and goes to bed. He quickly falls asleep.

ROBERT enters a dream. Standing next to him is his former bullpen coach, GARRY.

ROBERT
Garry? What are you doing here?

GARRY
Never mind what I’m doing here.

ROBERT
Actually, what am I doing here?

GARRY
This, my former nitwit, is the time we all hung out in the bullpen on Christmas. Thing is, you’re not in it. Let’s watch.

ROBERT and GARRY watch as the following takes place:

KURT
Why are we doing this in the bullpen again?

JASON
Where else would we do a Christmas gift swap? Plus now that it’s the offseason we don’t have 40,000 people paying to see us.

For fifteen seconds, everyone stares blankly in silence.

JASON
Think it’s more like $100.

ROBERT
Why did Jason just speak twice? And where’d he get $100 from?

GARRY
Remember, you’re not there. You made a snarky comment and he came back with an answer.

ROBERT
It makes no sense without me there.

GARRY
Yeah, no kidding. Quiet, watch this:

LORENZO
WHY DO YOU ALL WANT THIS SO BAD!

*Everyone else picks a present*

JASON
So it looks like we all got paper clip boxes, didn’t we?

GARRY
See? That’s another situation without you there.

ROBERT [shrugging] 
Doesn’t seem like that conversation needed me.

GARRY
Eh, you’re right. But the point is, you should go to that gathering tonight.

GARRY exits by flying away on a blue unicorn. ROBERT wakes up and realizes he was dreaming. Soon, he goes back to sleep.

ROBERT enters another dream. Standing next to him is his former teammate, ELI.

ROBERT
Oh hey Eli!

ELI
Robert! Let me show you around.

ROBERT realizes he is staring at the bullpen.

ELI
Look at this, Robert. This is the bullpen’s Christmas from last year, only you’re not in it. Listen:

Interrogator #1
It is our understanding that you know where equipment is that is prohibited for use by players.

After a long pause:

ELI
I have to agree with Robert, even if such an offense was done I don’t think it’s grounds for the team to face penalization.

JASON
Eli...Robert’s not here right now, remember? He decided to ditch.

ELI
Robert’s right next to me!

BRYAN
Eli, I think you’re losing your mind.

ELI
I’m having a mental breakdown?!

BRYAN
Seems so.

LORENZO
It was only a matter of time.

ELI
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

ELI
See, Robert? In the scenario where you’re not present, I had a mental breakdown.

ROBERT
You mean...that was a simulation?

ELI
You’re dreaming, Robert. Now if you don’t mind, I have a dinosaur waiting at home for me to feed.

ROBERT wakes up again, relieved that it was a dream. He quickly goes back to sleep.

ROBERT has a third dream. FELIX is standing next to him. 

FELIX
Robert, listen. You need to go to that gathering!

ROBERT
Huh?

FELIX
You didn’t go to the gathering for the bullpen’s Christmas, and look what happened.

ACE
Lorenzo, can I please be co-captain again? Robert said I could!

LORENZO
This is MY bullpen now!

HARRY
Lorenzo, with all due respect, how much cotton candy can you possibly eat in one inning?

LORENZO
I can eat all the cotton candy I want!

HARRY
You see, I’m running low on ingredients.

LORENZO
MAKE MORE!!! I need all I can get, what with Devin pitching terrible for the eighth game in a row. And that’s after a five-game terrible stint from Ace!

ACE
Sorry Sir.

ROBERT
What the hell?

FELIX
You didn’t go to the gathering. Long story short, Lorenzo becomes the bullpen coach, becomes addicted to cotton candy—

ROBERT
Isn’t he already?

FELIX
Not to this extent. And he goes completely drunk with power. Plus, the bullpen pitches now because the team traded all their starters for mediocre pitchers. 

ROBERT
Why would they do that?

FELIX
You...don’t want to know. But there’s only one way to stop this.

ROBERT
How?

FELIX
You go to the gathering.

ROBERT
Let me get this straight. Me going to the gathering will single-handedly save the team?

FELIX
Yep.

ROBERT
Where are you in that situation, anyways? You aren’t still on the team?

FELIX
Again...you don’t want to know.

ROBERT
One more question—

FELIX suddenly becomes invisible. ROBERT wakes up yet again. This time, he is angry he’s had three simulation dreams. He looks at the clock: 9:25 pm. He angrily gets out of bed and drives to the bullpen.

ACE
Got any threes?

DEVIN
Go fish! This is so much fun, thanks for the cards and teaching me how to play!

ACE looks up and puts down the flashlight he was using to see the cards.

ACE
Look who decided to come after all! Just stay away from Lorenzo, I think he’s about to become addicted to cotton candy.

ROBERT runs over to LORENZO.

ROBERT
Lorenzo, spit that cotton candy out right now.

LORENZO
Why?! It tastes so good!

ROBERT
Just trust me. I don’t have time to explain.

LORENZO
Fine.

LORENZO spits out the cotton candy out of his mouth. 

ROBERT
Thank you. Believe it or not, you just saved the entire team.

LORENZO
I believe it. Now let’s play some dodgeball. I brought one just in case we got bored.

LORENZO tosses the dodgeball toward ROBERT. ROBERT makes a bad throw, with the ball leaving the bullpen.

ROBERT
Sorry guys.

FELIX
That’s okay. But it wasn’t very nice of you to make Lorenzo spit out his cotton candy.

ROBERT
Really Felix? What about when you said—

FELIX
When I said what?

ROBERT
Actually, forget it. Merry Christmas everyone.

Everyone mumbles “Merry Christmas,” except LORENZO, who screams it.

MANNY
So who’s ready to go home?

MANNY walks out, and everyone else follows.

Share this

Related Posts

Previous
Next Post »