Bake Your Heart Out Season 2 Episode 9 - Old Cape Cod (Writer’s Pick)

Bake Your Heart Out Season 2, Episode 9
Old Cape Cod

The gang is at a restaurant, discussing plans for their approaching vacation.
Diane: Alright, who’s ready for Cape Cod! Two days!
Garry: I have something to tell you guys.
Frances: Don’t be a diva. Spit it out.
Sam: I really appreciate that Frances has gotten just as mean as me lately.
Frances: Only when Garry is involved.
Garry: I appreciate that. Anyway, I can’t go to Cape Cod with you guys.
Diane: What? Why not? We’ve been planning this for months!
Garry: I know, I’m sorry.
Sam: Did Carly ground you?
Garry: No, she’s just sick and can’t go and I can’t leave her here with Anna.
Charlotte: It’s still two days away, don’t you think she could get better?
Garry: No, she’s really sick. She’s got a fever and she can barely even talk. We have a doctor’s appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I have to stay home and help her recover.
Diane: That’s very admirable. Cape Cod’s always gonna be there.
Sam: Well, not always. Erosion and rising sea levels will eventually put it underwater but not while we’re alive.
Leslie: Well that was depressing.
Diane: She’s great at that.
Sam: Thank you!
Garry: I’m sorry you guys are going to have to waste that room. I know you went through a lot of trouble to get us four rooms that were next to one another.
Diane: Don’t worry! I might even find someone to use that room.
Sam: Who?
Diane: I’ll ask Melanie to go.
Sam: Why would Melanie go with us to Cape Cod? She’d be taking a week-long vacation to a place she can drive to and back from in less than three hours. Seems like a bad use of vacation days.
Leslie: You’re so grumpy!
Sam: Again I say ‘thank you.’
Frances: Hey, Garry?
Garry: What did I do now?
Frances: I actually just wanted to ask you a question. Could you watch after Mr. Snuggles while I’m away? I was going to just sneak him into the hotel but now I’ve been presented with a much better option.
Garry: I’d be delighted to. I can’t believe you trust me to watch your baby!
Frances: I don’t really, I just don’t have many other options.
Garry: That’s heartwarming.
At the hotel…
Diane: Melanie! So lovely to see you after what went down today.
Melanie: There wasn’t another shooter, was there?
Diane: Oh, no. We just had to eliminate this lovely woman named Clara from the show today and she just sobbed and sobbed.
Sam: She was one of our older bakers so I think Diane related to her.
Melanie: That’s actually really sweet.
Diane: Thank you. See, Sam! Most humans react positively to other humans not being emotionless robots.
Sam: I’m not most humans.
Garry: You can say that again!
Diane: I have something to ask you, Melanie. I think you’ll like it.
Sam: She won’t. It’s a little creepy, actually.
Melanie: I was excited at first but now I’m scared.
Leslie: Don’t let Sam scare you. She’s just joyless.
Diane: Garry can’t go with us anymore on our trip to Cape Cod. We’d have a room going to waste, so I figured I’d ask you to go with us. I know it’s short notice but it could be a fun girls' trip.
Melanie: You know, I wasn’t planning on taking a vacation this year, but I’ve earned it. I can’t give you a definitive ‘yes’ because I need to get someone to cover my shifts, but I’m pretty sure I can swing it.
Diane: See, Sam! I told you!
Sam: Sometimes people surprise you.
Diane: We’re going on Saturday morning at around eight in the morning, I hope that works. We’re gonna take two cars since there's five of us. You can come with Sam and me if you want so you don’t have to drive up yourself.
Melanie: That sounds great. Should I meet you guys here or do you want to pick me up at my house?
Diane: We can pick you up.
Frances: Oh my god, we’re gonna see Melanie’s house!
Melanie: I can assure you, it’s nothing special compared to where you all live.
Frances: I’ll have to be the judge of that on Saturday.
Diane: I’m so glad you’re probably coming. I really didn’t want to waste a good hotel room!
Melanie: You can count on me to help you out there! I love a good vacation.
Two days later…
Frances: Will you two just get in the car? It’s packed up, you have everything, let’s go!
Charlotte: I’m sorry, I just want to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I often do.
Sam: You didn’t. Now let’s go, Melanie’s waiting for us!
Diane: It’s a shame Garry couldn’t come.
Sam: No it isn’t.
Diane: It is! He’d love Cape Cod. It’s been a long time since I’ve been there but it’s so gorgeous.
Sam: Yes, but it’ll make it so much better for us.
Two hours later…
Diane: Thank god we’re finally here.
Sam: Frances must be freaking out about how long this took.
Melanie: I thought it was a lovely drive.
Diane: Yeah, but you’re a normal person. Frances isn’t.
Melanie: I’m sure she won’t be that bad.
They get out of the car at their hotel.
Frances: What happened? We’re here a half-hour late. We didn’t even make any stops.
Leslie: I wanted her to stop so I could pee, but those five minutes would cost us too much apparently.
Frances: You didn’t have to go that bad if it you didn’t run to the bathroom now.
Leslie: I’m going, I’m going.
Diane: Hey, Melanie.
Melanie: Yeah Diane?
Diane: Is it weird for you to check in at a hotel considering that’s what you do you a living?
Melanie: You know, I never thought about it like that. I guess it’s a little weird.
Charlotte: Oh, oh god.
Sam: What wrong with her?
Frances: She’s been talking about how much she misses the sea breeze.
Charlotte: It feels beautiful here. And the smell. Oh.
Melanie: Charlotte, you’ve been living in Rhode Island for months now. There’s a sea breeze there.
Sam: And also back at home in California. Girl, you live on the beach in Malibu.
Charlotte: It’s not like this.
Frances: I’m surrounded by lunatics.
Charlotte: Yes, including you! We’re all loons.
Diane: Melanie’s not.
Melanie: Oh, no. I am.
Sam: See, we’re all crazy. Let’s check in. And find ole’ sling-arm.
Charlotte: Don’t make fun of Leslie’s injury!
Leslie: Nah, let her. I don’t mind. I wear this as a badge of honor. I’m a survivor.
Melanie: Thanks to Garry, you’re all survivors in a way.
Frances: No, we are not doing this. I like you Melanie, but I am not allowing Garry praise during my vacation.
Sam: You’re really working overtime on your Garry hate. We know you love him.
Charlotte: I don’t know, her and Leslie have been pretty close lately.
Leslie: We’re roommates!
Sam: Okay, wonderful. Now let’s check in!
Diane: Yes! We have to get our luggage up to our hotel rooms and then get out exploring! I think we can just drive around the Falmouth area. There’s a fun aquarium we can go visit. And a drawbridge, that’s fun!
Frances: Is it?
Melanie: Personally, I think it would be really fun to drive through one of those rotaries again. Diane was cursing up a storm.
Diane: I’m not used to them and I was distracted by the pretty Cape Cod topiary.
Sam: You were supposed to be driving and we almost ended up going back over the Bourne Bridge.
Leslie: Don’t worry, Frances almost got in a car accident on them.
Melanie: I’m so used to them growing up here in New England, they don’t even phase me.
Diane: We need to let you drive next time.
Charlotte: Both cars, preferably.
Melanie: Well I am pretty amazing but I don’t think I can drive two cars at once.
Sam: Can you carry two suitcases at once though? We gotta go check in!
Diane: Oh my god, you’re persistent. Why?
Sam: I never take vacations and I can’t wait for this one to start!
Diane: Okay, let’s go.
Sam: Finally!
The next day, on the drive up the Cape to Provincetown…
Diane: You know, Sam, I think you’re really gonna like it here.
Melanie: Particularly the fact that it’s an even longer drive there than it is back to Newport!
Diane: It is? This place is far bigger than it looks. They should fix that. Advertise it better, you know?
Sam: Why is it that you think I’m gonna love it so much in Provincetown? Are you saying that because I’m a lesbian and because basically everyone in this place is some version of LGBT, I have to love it? That’s offensive.
Diane: No, I’m sorry. That’s not why. I thought you’d like visiting the Pilgrim Monument and the sand dunes.
Sam: Have I ever been known for my love of climbing?
Diane: No, not really.
Sam: Do you think I’m really mad at you? I’m kidding! I’ve known you for decades, I know you’re no homophobe and you’re not into stereotypes.
Diane: Thank god. I thought we were gonna have an argument on vacation and that would’ve been a mess.
Melanie: It was so awkward in here for a second, I’m so glad you were joking because this would uncharted territory for me. I’ve never seen you two fight.
Diane: Well, uh, get ready. We still got a week here.
Sam: I’ll probably curse her out once or twice because she wants to stop and see every lighthouse and takes too many goddamn pictures.
Diane: I never know when I'm coming back.
Sam: You’re a millionaire, you can come back whenever you want to. In fact, they’d probably let you buy this whole cape and rename it Cape Diane if you wanted, they love our show up here.
Diane: See, Melanie! I told you we’d give you a show this week!
Melanie: I have to admit, I didn’t expect it to come so soon.
In Frances, Leslie and Charlotte’s car…
Frances (singing): If you’re fond of sand dunes and salty air, quaint little villages here and there, you’re sure to fall in love with old Cape Cod. If you like the taste of a lobster stew, served by a window with an oc-
Leslie: Shut it, Frances. I’m getting a call from Paul.
Charlotte: You know, you’re signing of that song is getting better, Frances. This is like the tenth time we’ve heard you sing along to that old Better Midler record and it makes my ears bleed less and less each time.
Frances: Thank you! Leslie doesn’t appreciate my sultry vocals.
Leslie picks up her phone.
Paul: Leslie! Long time no speak!
Leslie: It’s only been five days, Paul.
Paul: Feels so much longer! How are you doing?
Leslie: Doing well, actually. We’re on vacation in Cape Cod right now.
Paul: Oh you are? Well, I don’t want to intrude on anything.
Leslie: No, you’re not intruding.
Paul: I’ll still try to be brief. I just wanted to make sure you were all okay with my trip to Rhode Island next week. I’m very excited for it and I’m actually considering staying until you guys wrap filming. I really need the break from L.A. and this is the perfect getaway.
Leslie: That’s why you’re calling? Of course we don’t mind! We’re all thrilled to see you next week.
Paul: Alright, I’m thrilled to see you as well! I got the impression you weren’t too high on the idea before but I guess I read it wrong then. I’ll let you get back to your vacation. Have fun!
Leslie: Thanks, see you next week!
Leslie hangs up.
Leslie: Nooooooo!!!
Frances: Did he cancel the show? I know it must be costly with the divas back now.
Leslie: No, so much worse. He’s staying a full month now when he gets here next week.
Frances: He’s doing what?
Leslie: I know!
Charlotte: It won’t be too bad. I’m sure he won’t be on the set all the time. He does have other shows to worry about.
Leslie: I hope you’re right. But for now, let’s keep this from Sam and Diane. It doesn’t have to ruin their vacation as well.
An hour later, when they arrive in Provincetown…
Sam: Ah, Gayville, USA. My people! I belong here!
Diane: Glad to see you’re already adapting to those stereotypes.
Sam: Why not? Can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
Melanie: I can’t believe I’ve lived up in Rhode Island for 90% of my life and I’ve never been here before.
Frances: 90%? I thought you were born there.
Melanie: I moved to Seattle for a few years back in the mid-2000s.
Leslie: You must have been so young!
Melanie: I was, I was only nineteen. But, I wanted to see the world for my own. I moved back after three years. It was nice there but I missed Rhode Island.
Diane: I can’t believe we never knew that!
Melanie: I can’t either. I guess I need to talk less about Joanna and more about me.
Sam: Eh, I guess someone needs to talk about someone other than themselves. Diane and I sure as hell don’t.
Melanie: Oh, come on. You complain about Garry all the time.
Sam: And Frances. And Leslie.
Charlotte: Not me?
Diane: No, you haven’t gotten on Sam’s list yet.
Leslie: Being on Sam’s list is an honor, Charlotte. You better try harder to get on it.
Charlotte: Will do!
Diane: Alright, now that we’ve gotten through the hateful portion of the day, let’s get moving.
Leslie: Where are we going first? This place is like the NYC of Cape Cod, so much to do and see in one place.
Diane: Well, I was figuring we could go up to the Pilgrim Monument. Then we can go to the beach and see the dunes by the lighthouse.
Frances: Fun fact: An unidentified woman’s corpse was once found on the dunes here in Provincetown.
Leslie: You needed to share that because…?
Frances: I love fun facts!
Diane: Come on, let’s go hiking!
At the Pilgrim Monument tower, thirty minutes later…
Sam (screaming): Oh my god! Diane, why did you make me do this? I’m gonna kill you.
Frances: I’m frightened.
Charlotte: So am I.
Leslie: Just keep walking and she can’t hurt us.
Diane: I didn’t make you do anything, you chose to.
Sam: You said it would be fun! You said it wouldn’t be bad climbing it! You said it wasn’t that high!
Diane: I was wrong, I guess. I’m sorry.
Sam: Don’t tell me you’re sorry, get me the hell outta here!
Leslie: Sam, there are other people in here. This isn’t a private tour.
Sam: I have an intense fear of heights and you made me climb the nineteenth highest building in Massachusetts outside of Boston!
Charlotte: Did you use your phone on the climb? That doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Diane: We’ve been climbing it for five minutes. You should just go back to the bottom and wait for us.
Melanie: I’ll walk down with you if you want, Sam.
Frances: No! We like you and we don’t want her to kill you. You don’t want to die here, do you?
Melanie: You talk about death a lot…
Frances: It’s my thing.
Charlotte: No it isn’t! 
Leslie: Whoever was in our hotel room before us left on Investigation Discovery and she has decided that that is her life now.
Frances: You can get a new thing. Mine just happened to start a month ago. I’ve rebranded.
Sam: This is nice and all but I gotta go. I feel ill.
Diane: We’ll see you in a little!
Sam: You will pay for this, Diane. I’m always calm, cool, and collected in public and you made me give that up and it won’t be forgotten.
Leslie: So, can we walk up this tower now? I was told there’s a beautiful view last the top.
Diane: Let’s go. It might be the last thing we ever do since Sam might kill us.
Frances: Does she have the keys?
Diane: Thankfully not.
Frances: Alright, let’s get moving. I need a good workout.
That night, as the gang is walking down Commercial Street…
Melanie: Guys, where are Frances and Leslie?
Sam: Well, Charlotte? You’re their keeper. Where they at?
Charlotte: I don’t know.
Sam: You drove here with ‘em. How’d you lose them?
Charlotte: We’ve been walking on this street for two hours.
Melanie: My feet are actually really starting to hurt, we should get home when we find them.
Diane: We really need to. It’ll be like ten when we get home and we’re all sweaty and gross and have to shower and we have a long trip to Hyannis tomorrow to learn about the Kennedys.
Sam: The Kennedys? They were all cursed and bad things happened. There, I saved us a day, we can go to the beach.
Charlotte: I’m not going in that water. Too sharky!
Sam: Do they even have sharks in jolly old England?
Charlotte: Well, no, but I know what sharks are, Sam.
Diane: Guys, I’m freaking out about where our friends are.
Melanie: Can’t you call them? We’re never gonna find them.
Sam: I’ll do it. They’re probably just in a shop somewhere and nothing is wrong.
Charlotte: I don’t know, Frances might have dragged Leslie to the cemetery and they got lost.
Diane: Or, as Frances would put it, a zombie got her.
Sam calls Frances.
Frances (slurring words): Hey Sam, how’s it doing?
Sam: You’re drunk! Where are you?
Frances: In a lovely little place. What’s it called, Leslie?
Leslie  (slurring words): I think it's The Clam Shack. I dunno…
Sam: Oh my god, you're both drunk.
Diane: They are? Oh my god.
Charlotte: I’m gonna have to drive tonight. Why do they do this to me?
Sam: We’re on our way. Don’t go anywhere.
Frances: Wouldn’t dream of it.
Ten minutes later, the group finds The Clam Shack.
Melanie: Um, guys. Is this a, you know?
Sam: Lesbian bar. Yeah, the name makes that quite clear.
Diane: I think it’s nice that they have a lesbian bar among all these gay bars. Girl power!
Charlotte: Why are Frances and Leslie in there, though?
Sam: Frances is probably too dumb to realize what’s going on, and Leslie just wanted some alcohol.
Charlotte: Or I was right and they’re really lesbians.
Sam: Or that.
Diane: It’s weird that they’re the ones getting drunk. Usually, that’s my thing.
Melanie: Cape Cod truly is changing everything for us.
They walk into the bar.
Melanie: Are they gonna think we’re lesbians?
Sam: I don’t know what would give them that impression about me.
Diane: Oh my god!
Sam: What? What’s wrong? I was distracted by the ice cream they sell here. Grape nut ice cream at a lesbian bar? Are these retirement home lesbians?
Diane: Why is Leslie in a wedding dress?
Charlotte: Lesbians!
Sam: Yes, you’re surrounded by them. What about us?
Charlotte: Frances and Lesbian, I mean, Leslie, finally got married!
Melanie: Oh, poor Garry!
Diane: You’re catching on, I’m proud of you!
Frances: Girls! You made it!
Diane: Leslie, why are you dressed like that?
Leslie: Well you see, I spilled a plate of clam marinara on me, and I went next door and bought something to wear.
Sam: You couldn’t find a souvenir t-shirt or something?
Leslie: Those shops were closed, I bought a nice, simple white dress that happens to be from a bridal shop.
Charlotte: So you didn’t get married?
Leslie: No, of course not!
Diane: Well, since we don’t need to get a quick annulment, I say we’d better get home.
Sam: Yep. We have a lot of learning about the Kennedys ahead of us.
Diane: We can always drive up the national seashore or go to the Chatham fish pier if you’d like.
Sam: I’m letting you take the wheel.
Diane: Alright, time to dance in the streets of Hyannis.

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode and read spinoff show Frances In the Kitchen on Monday at 8!

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