Raymond Island Season 1 Episode 5 - Provident

Raymond Island Season 1, Episode 5
Gretchen gets out of bed and charges through her bedroom door and to the kitchen.
Gretchen: Why did no one wake me up? It’s twenty after seven and I still have to take a shower and eat something for breakfast.
Anthony: You kept hitting the snooze button, I thought you were sick or something.
Gretchen: No, I was just enjoying my first night of sleep in four days that wasn’t interrupted by my brother and sister.
Anthony: Did they really interrupt you that much?
Gretchen: My brother was watching TV every night until one in the morning. I go to bed at eleven promptly. It takes a full eight hours to look this good. He interrupted that. And my sister woke me up twice because Sprinkles or whatever the hell her ferret’s name is got loose. Both times he was just in her suitcase.
Lucinda: Gretchen, don’t mistake this for me being cruel because it’s not that. However, I feel like if you’re really in a hurry and need to shower and eat before work, maybe you should either be in the shower or be eating right now instead of complaining.
Gretchen: That actually makes a lot of sense and isn’t terribly mean. I guess I can save my complaining for later. We all know there’s plenty of it.
Lucinda: By later I surely hope you mean you’re saving it for Carol and not us.
Gretchen: We’ll see.
Lucinda: I’m not enthused with that answer.
Anthony: What are you enthused by?
Lucinda: NCIS: New Orleans. That Scott Bakula…
Christina: Grandma, ew! I just woke up! The day’s already off to a nauseous start.
Lucinda: Look at the princess coming to greet her peasants.
Gretchen: That reminds me since it completely slipped my mind that I even had children.
Christina: Hey! Not cool, mom.
Gretchen: Neither is our phone bill but we don’t say anything.
Lucinda: Good one, Gretchen!
Gretchen: Anyway, what I was trying to say is that I’m wondering where Toby is. It’s time for him to be at the bus stop and I haven’t seen him since I got up.
Anthony: One of his friend’s moms picked him up a few minutes before you got up. No worries! Now get in the shower or you will have something to worry about!
Gretchen: Oh, crap. I’m going in.
Forty minutes later, when Gretchen is supposed to already be at work, she darts out of the bathroom with a toothbrush in her hand.
Gretchen: I gotta run, can one of you put some cereal and milk in a thermos for me?
Lucinda: Weird way to eat breakfast but okay.
Gretchen: I’d want outlet but I don’t have time to wait for it to heat up.
Lucinda: Alright, I’ll get you your breakfast. See, I’m nice.
Gretchen: Yes, mom. You’re nice.
Five minutes later, Gretchen rushes out the door with only her breakfast in hand, having to run back into the house to retrieve her purse.
Lucinda: Back so soon Gretchen?
Gretchen: Forgot my purse! My mind is broken today.
Lucinda: I’m trying to be nicer so I won’t say what’s on my mind.
Gretchen: I already know what you want to say, you don’t have to say it.
Lucinda: I have to, that’s not good enough! When isn’t your brain broken?
Gretchen: Yep, that’s what I thought. Have a good day mom!
Gretchen runs back out of the house and immediately gets a call from Carol. She answers it on her Bluetooth.
Gretchen: Carol, I’m sorry! I know I’m running late.
Carol: I figured, just had to make sure. Susana was freaking out.
Gretchen: Aww, that’s actually sweet. If I was late to get home, I think Anthony and Toby would be the only ones that even noticed. Only Anthony would bother to call.
Carol: If I may ask, why are you running late? You’re never late for work.
Gretchen: I haven’t been getting sleep with my brother and sister staying over the past few days. I guess I needed some extra rest.
Carol: I get it, when my sister came to visit last year, we were out having fun until ten, eleven o’clock all week.
Gretchen: At least you were having fun. I was being kept awake be ferrets and the sounds of Last Man Standing repeats.
Carol: Last Man Standing? People watch that?
Gretchen: I thought the same thing but apparently when there’s nothing else on…
Carol: So, uh, how was your weekend otherwise?
Gretchen: It was fine. Mary found a house on the first day. Eddie took longer than expected so that’s why they stayed an extra two days. That gave Mary and me a lot of time to bond. I knit a scarf.
Carol: You knitted something?
Gretchen: Mary loves to knit, she wanted to teach me. Anthony ended up being much better at it than I was. He made a beautiful pillowcase. I made a janky-looking scarf that’s barely big enough for a baby. I have it in the car with me, I’ll show you. It’s really quite hilarious.
Carol: Did you do anything else with your siblings?
Gretchen: Not much. We mostly just sat around and talked. We watched a movie together Saturday night and that was the only fun thing we really did.
Carol: Well, what did you watch?
Gretchen: I’m really too embarrassed to tell you.
Carol: What was it? Caligula?
Gretchen: My god, Carol! I have children! I’m a mother?
Carol: So… Trolls World Tour?
Gretchen: The new Jumanji movie.
Carol: Oh, that’s a great movie! I saw it with Susana the day after the Iowa caucus. Helped take my mind off the madness.
Gretchen: Oh my god!
Carol: Did you just see the same thing I did? Some idiot just ran into a parked car here. What a moron.
Gretchen: That was me! I gotta go!
Gretchen hangs up, pulls her car into the nearest parking spot, and gets out to speak to the owner of the car she ran into.
Gretchen: I’m so sorry, sir. I wasn’t focusing on the road and I hit your car. I’ll pay for everything, no wo-
Hank: Gretchen, really? I want to recall you and you respond by ramming into my brand new Mercedes-Benz?
Gretchen: Speaker Matthews, it was all an accident, I promise. No matter what’s gone on between us, I’d never do this.
Hank: So I’m supposed to believe that you, a person I just recently screwed over, just so happened to slam into *my* car because you weren’t paying attention?
Gretchen: I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s all true! I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m just having an off day. I woke up late, got out of the house late, and my chief of staff Carol called to check on me because of that. We were having a conversation that took my focus off the road and I bumped the steering wheel and I ran into your car.
Hank: I don’t care what kind of day you’re having.
Gretchen: Now that’s a bit rude.
Hank: I don’t care about being rude either. You hit my car, I get to be annoyed with you!
Gretchen: Well, I’d make the argument that calling for my recall is the political version of me hitting your car.
Hank: So it was intentional!
Gretchen: Dammit Gretchen, stop running your big mouth!
Hank: I can’t believe you’re fessing up to it!
Gretchen: I didn’t fess up to anything. I hit your car, that’s a fact. Also a fact is that it was accidental. I didn’t even know it was your car! I’ve never seen this car before in my life.
Hank: Do you think I was born yesterday?
Gretchen: Obviously not. That’s why I'm so shocked that you can’t tell that this was an accident.
Hank: I think it’s best that the court decides if this is an accident or not.
Gretchen: Court? What? I didn’t commit any crime, I said I’d pay for it. You can have my insurance information too.
Hank: You planned this as some sort of sick revenge.
Gretchen: If I wanted revenge, I’d hire a PI to investigate you and find something career-ending. I’m not a psycho so I’m not going to do that.
Hank: Well now I think you did do just that.
Gretchen: If you want to call the police, go ahead.
Hank: That’s the first reasonable thing you’ve said all day.
Thirty minutes later, the cops leave and Gretchen makes it into her office.
Susana: Governor Raymond, the media would like to speak to you!
Gretchen: They do? What a surprise! I totally couldn’t tell that from being outside and being surrounded by reporters.
Susana: What happened? They’re saying you hit Speaker Matthews’ car!
Gretchen: I did.
Susana: What? Why?
Gretchen: It was all an accident. Tell her, Carol.
Carol: It was an accident. We were talking about Jumanji and she must’ve been daydreaming about the gorgeousness that is Dwayne Johnson and she took her mind off driving and accidentally ran into her mortal enemy’s car.
Gretchen: Actually my mortal enemy is -
Samantha: Me?
Susana: What are you doing here? Go!
Samantha: I’m just here to get the scoop on the big scandal rocking Providence. Why’d you do it, Gretch? Did my interview on The Spin Zone finally set you over the edge?
Gretchen: I have nothing to say to you. You should ask Hank his totally unbiased take on the situation.
Samantha: I ran out to him to get it but he was talking to the cops. So I figured you could give me some of the details.
Gretchen: Do pigs fly?
Samantha: You don’t have to be rude about it, Gretchen.
Gretchen: You don’t have to be here, Samantha. Go ask Hank about it, he has to be done out there now.
Susana: Here’s the door.
Samantha: See you later, I guess. I’ll go talk to Hank.
Gretchen: Don’t you have anything to actually do? Or is Lieutenant Governor just one of those wacky job titles like every contestant on The Bachelor has?
That night, when Gretchen arrives at home…
Christina: Mom, did you really hit Speaker Matthews’ car? My friend sent me the video and I just assumed it was some conspiracy theory.
Toby: I saw you on the news today, mommy! I got called down to the office and they asked me if you were okay.
Gretchen: Oh… well, uh, that seems like an overstep. I’m fine. It was all a big misunderstanding spurring from me being in a mad rush.
Lucinda: You have to be more careful, Gretchen. You could’ve killed someone. Trust me, you won’t look good in stripes. Or orange. I don’t know what they use lately, it’s been a while since I’ve been to jail.
Christina: You were in jail?
Lucinda: No! I used to have a friend who was a hippie environmentalist. She got arrested at one too many protests and got thrown in jail for six months.
Christina: You knew a rebel? I didn’t know you were cool!
Anthony: Knew? She was one!
Lucinda: I wouldn’t say that.
Anthony: Tell her how you knew this hippie environmentalist.
Gretchen: Yeah, tell her. Because I want to know too! My mother never tells me anything fun.
Toby: I want to know too! I wanna brag about having a cool grandma.
Lucinda: I was probably twenty years old, it was about 1963, around the time of MLK’s I Have a Dream speech. My friend Karen-
Christina: Ha, Karen!
Gretchen: Karen is a lovely name, you were almost named Karen!
Christina: I was?
Gretchen laughs.
Gretchen: God no!
Lucinda: Can I finish my story?
Christina: Sorry grandma!
Lucinda: Karen and I would go out protesting for civil rights. She was bolder than I was, and I was smarter than she was, and that’s why she got arrested and I didn’t. I could outrun the cops because I could sense when they were coming.
Christina: I have to know more. I didn’t know my grumpy old grandmother was a civil rights activist!
Lucinda: Who are you calling old?
Christina: Sorry grandma! Now please, tell me another story.
Anthony: How about the one with the guy?
Lucinda: Very helpful Anthony.
While sitting there, Gretchen gets a call.
Gretchen: I’m sorry mom, I love your stories but I have to take this call.
Anthony: She’s about to tell a great story, you’re missing out.
Christina: Yeah, it’s the one with the guy!
Gretchen gets up and walks out to the kitchen to talk on the phone.
Gretchen: Susana, what’s up?
Susana: Mom and I had to play a game of rock-paper-scissors to try and determine which of us would have to tell you this.
Gretchen: That’s never good.
Susana: I got a call from the Speaker’s office just after you left.
Gretchen: This should be good.
Susana: Speaker Matthews is suing you for “emotional damages.” He said you hitting his car has caused him great distress at the thought of having to repair it and it’s damaged his life.
Gretchen: It happened today. How the hell could he know that?
Susana: I have no idea but I know this isn’t good. There’s already so much going on with you and I’m worried it’ll hurt you politically. You don’t need any more scandals.
Gretchen: Don’t worry, Susana. That’s for me to do. I’ll think of something and talk to you guys tomorrow when I get in. Now, you’re young and have a lot you can be doing right now. Go ahead and do it.
Susana: If you insist. See you tomorrow, Gretchen.
Gretchen: See ya then!
Gretchen hangs up and walks out to the family.
Anthony: What’s going on, Gretchen?
Gretchen: I’m getting sued.
Anthony: For what?
Lucinda: I always knew this day would come.
Gretchen: Hank Matthews is taking the car crash pretty poorly.
Anthony: He acts fast!
Gretchen: Yeah, I know.
Toby: Are you going to jail mommy? Like Karen?
Gretchen: No, I’m not. I’ll get this solved.
The next day, as Gretchen enters her office…
Carol: Gretchen! Big news!
Gretchen: I’m not getting sued anymore?
Carol: Oh, no. That’s still happening.
Gretchen: Well, what’s the big news?
Carol: Your accident made it to late night! Kimmel, Meyers, Colbert, the British guy. All of them are talking about you!
Gretchen: For being a fool. Not a good thing.
Susana: You’re not a fool, you made a mistake.
Gretchen: All I hear is my mother’s voice saying “Yes, she’s a fool.”
Carol: Don’t be silly, Gretchen. Your mom’s old. She’d probably play that old Lesley Gore song. She’s a Fool!
Gretchen: Yeah, he would. She loves a good outdated reference. Speaking of which, apparently she’s a civil rights activist now? Certainly not an activist for my civil rights.
Carol: I just can’t imagine Lucinda caring about other people. Or their rights.
Gretchen: I know!
Susana: I have to bring this up because it’s killing me! What are we doing about the lawsuit?
Gretchen: I’m marching up to Hank’s office and talking to him about it.
Carol: Is that a good idea? He might call security.
Gretchen: Let him! At least I can say tried. I’ll brainstorm what to say for a while first.
Ten minutes later, Gretchen gets up from her desk and starts to walk towards the door.
Susana: Are you going now?
Gretchen: Now is as good of a time as any other.
Susana: You sure? You’ve been brainstorming for ten minutes
Gretchen: Positive.
Susana: What are you going to say?
Gretchen: Well, I was brainstorming and I decided that I was going to wing it. You can never predict a Hank Matthews conversation so I’m not going to try.
Susana: Well, good luck!
Gretchen: Thanks, I’ll need it. I’ll really have the urge to stab him an I’ll need a lot of luck to repress that feeling.
Gretchen walks to Hank’s office and opens the door, where she sees Hank kissing his assistant.
Gretchen: Oh my god!
Hank: Do you knock?
Gretchen: Thankfully I didn’t! I got to see this!
Gretchen closes the door behind her.
Hank: What is that supposed to mean?
Gretchen: I finally have dirt on you!
Hank: So?
Gretchen: Drop the lawsuit. You know it was an accident and I will pay you the damages.
Hank: Is that all you want to keep this quiet?
Gretchen: To hide your affair for good? I don’t know. To hide it for right now, yeah. I think so.
Hank: Fine.
Gretchen: One more thing!
Hank: What?
Gretchen: You don’t support recalling me anymore. Call it a change of heart or whatever you wish, but you don’t want me recalled.
Hank: Alright, is that it now?
Gretchen: Yep, that’ll be all. Thank you for playing along, Hank!

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

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