Marietta Season 2 Episode 12 - Thelma & Louise Died, Mom! (Writer’s Pick)

Marietta Season 2, Episode 12
Thelma & Louise Died, Mom!

Marietta is on the phone with Patty Lynn.
Marietta: How’s it going mom? Still recovering from the excitement of Uncle Marvin’s visit?
Patty Lynn: It was a great week once we got by that mess from that second day. Alicia drove me crazy sometimes but it was still nice to see her again.
Marietta: That’s good. I was busy for more of it than I hoped for, but I enjoyed the time I got to spend with them.
Patty Lynn: Yeah, it was nice. Speaking of you being busy, how’s work?
Marietta: Things are good. I forgot to look over some of the council’s proposals that they sent to me when I was supposed to and Tammy yelled at me, but other than that it’s good. None of their demands were too insane so I signed off on all of them only a day late and all was right with the world again.
Patty Lynn: Have your mayoral duties taken you anywhere fun lately?
Marietta: As if you wouldn’t know.
Patty Lynn: That is true. I don’t let you do very much without knowing.
Marietta: Hey, did I tell you that Danny’s coming home for Kyle and Maria’s wedding?
Patty Lynn: He is? That’s great! When’s that again?
Marietta: Mom! How could you forget that? It’s, uh… March 7th!
Patty Lynn: Ha! You forgot it, too!
Marietta: In my defense, I’ve been very busy. You haven’t been. You don’t have a job.
Patty Lynn: I’m busy too! In fact, I have some very big news to share.
Marietta: Oh boy. Did you apply for Survivor again? I told you, let the dream die. You’re seventy-seven years old and you weight ninety-six pounds! I don’t think you’d survive a week out there. Those people are scary.
Patty Lynn: No, not that.
Marietta: Are you going to start volunteering for Eileen Birkman’s campaign? Mom, the crazy author lady got 2% less than her in New Hampshire. I don’t think it’s her year.
Patty Lynn: I’m not giving up on her just because the media decided that Tammy Koobach is the token female candidate right now. But that’s not what I’m busy with.
Marietta: Are you running for city council again? We need a new candidate to run since Milton is a little preoccupied.
Patty Lynn: No. Kathleen and I decided we’re going to go on a little adventure.
Marietta: Oh no. You’re both gonna die.
Patty Lynn: It’s gonna be fun! We decided to do it earlier in the week when Marvin was down and he talked about all the adventures him and Alicia were on. Your father didn’t want to come with so Kathleen and I are heading off on our own. It’s gonna be great! We’re gonna do a Thelma and Louise-style road trip!
Marietta: Thelma and Louise died, mom!
Patty Lynn: That was only implied.
Marietta: They drove into the Grand Canyon.
Patty Lynn: We won’t do that.
Marietta: I would hope not!
Patty Lynn: I’ll call you and give you updates along the way. We’ll only be gone for a week, it’s going to be fun!
Marietta: Where are you going?
Patty Lynn: Arizona.
Marietta: So you really are pulling a Thelma and Louise.
Patty Lynn: Don’t be silly. They were from Arkansas.
Marietta: Aunt Kathleen is from Arkansas. I’d say there’s a bigger difference.
Patty Lynn: We don’t plan to drive off a cliff.
Marietta: So, when are you leaving?
Patty Lynn: It’s Saturday, so, I guess that means we’re leaving tomorrow.
Marietta: Tomorrow? How have you had time to get ready?
Patty Lynn: I told you I was busy!
Marietta: Is this the last time I’m going to talk to you before you leave?
Patty Lynn: We’re leaving early tomorrow morning, so that’s pretty likely.
Marietta: You’re really only going to be gone a week?
Patty Lynn: That’s the plan for now.
Marietta: Well, good luck, and stay safe.
Patty Lynn: Thank you. I love you and I‘m going to miss you.
Marietta: I love you, too.
The next morning…
Patty Lynn: Martin! Can you help me with this suitcase? I can’t pick it up to get it in the car.
Martin: How are you going to pick it up when I’m not there?
Patty Lynn: I’m not worrying about that until I need to.
Martin: I think you probably should.
Patty Lynn: I’m sure I’ll find someone help me out if I need the help.
Kathleen: Hey Patty Lynn, do you have room for this bag?
Patty Lynn: Oh my god, what is that?
Kathleen: My bag? I know it looks weird because it’s rectangular but it has my hair curler and my combs and my scarves everything I need to look pretty in it.
Patty Lynn: No, not that. Why are you dressed like you’re about to go on a safari?
Kathleen: No I don’t!
Patty Lynn: You’re wearing khaki pants, and one of those weird tan hats, and you have a backpack. You look like a character in Jumanji.
Kathleen: I’m dressing comfortably.
Patty Lynn: You’re dressing like we’re going to Africa.
Kathleen: Should I change?
Patty Lynn: You’re kinda killing the Thelma & Louise vibe with that outfit, but it would take you too long to change so just wear it. You can change when we get to the hotel in Amarillo.
Kathleen: Are you sure? I can-
Patty Lynn: Yes, now let’s go!
Martin: Bye girls. Have fun. Call often.
Patty Lynn: We will.
Martin: Kathleen, you have your driver’s license now, right?
Kathleen: Yes.
Martin: Patty Lynn, you have your wallet, right?
Kathleen: She better! I’m not paying!
Patty Lynn: I do.
Martin: Alright then. I love you guys.
Patty Lynn: Come here, give me a kiss.
Kathleen: Get a room, you two.
Two hours later…
Kathleen: Where are we now?
Patty Lynn: About a half hour past Baton Rouge.
Kathleen: Okay, good. Can you find a place we can stop? I have to use the bathroom.
Patty Lynn: It’s almost eight, anyway. We can stop, go to the bathroom and get something to eat.
Kathleen: Sounds good. I’m pretty hungry myself.
Five minutes later…
Kathleen: Where the hell are we?
Patty Lynn: I don’t now this area or what’s around here. I just stopped at the first place I saw.
Kathleen: This place looks like it’s falling apart but the sign says they’re still open. Are there not any health inspectors here or what?
Patty Lynn: It’s not that bad.
Kathleen: It looks like a place you’d find out is a meth lab on the news.
Patty Lynn: Do you want me to look up a McDonald’s on a GPS?
Kathleen: Could you? That would be lovely.
Twenty minutes later…
McDonald’s Employee: Hello my name is Verctoria, how may I help you today?
Kathleen: Did you mean to say Victoria, or…?
Verctoria: No, my name is Verctoria.
Kathleen: What’s the story behind that? Did one parent want to name you Veronica and the other want you to be named Victoria?
Verctoria: How may I help you today?
Kathleen: I’ll gave a bacon, egg and cheese bagel and a hash brown. And the biggest coffee imaginable.
Verctoria: We only have small, medium and large sized coffee cups.
Kathleen: Then I’ll have a large. My sister-in-law is in the bathroom right now but she -
Verctoria: Is that all?
Kathleen: - said she’d like two McGriddles, a fruit parfait, a has brown and a medium orange juice. She’s watching her figure.
Verctoria: What kind of McGriddle?
Kathleen: There’s multiple kinds of McGriddle?
Verctoria: We have a Sausage McGriddle, a Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddle, a -
Kathleen: One of both of those.
Verctoria: Will that be all?
Kathleen: Thankfully, yes.
Patty Lynn: Kathleen! Did you give my order.
Kathleen: Yes, now let’s go find a table.
Patty Lynn: Why?
Kathleen: Come on, let’s just go sit down.
Patty Lynn: Jeez, you’re pushy today. Need a Snickers?
Patty Lynn and Kathleen sit down at a table.
Patty Lynn: What was so important about sitting down?
Kathleen: Oh my god, the lady that waited on me drove me crazy!
Patty Lynn: What did she do?
Kathleen: She was so short and annoyed at everything I said. Clearly she didn’t appreciate my jokes and my not knowing that they don’t have coffee cups bigger than large or that there’s more than one McGriddle. She was so annoying. She couldn’t even play along with my joking about her name. Her name was a real doozy, too. Verctoria. I’ve heard some pretty strange names in my day, but -
Patty Lynn: Kathleen…
Kathleen: What?
Patty Lynn: Look behind you.
Kathleen: Ah! I’m so sorry, I didn- hey, there’s nobody behind me.
Patty Lynn: I got you good!
Kathleen: You sure did, my heart almost exploded.
Five hours later…
Kathleen: Where are we now?
Patty Lynn: Were you not paying attention when I screamed out “Welcome to Texas!” an hour ago?
Kathleen: I was listening to my audiobook.
Patty Lynn: What audiobook?
Kathleen: It’s on my phone. It’s Tammy Koobach’s book, Marvin suggested it to me.
Patty Lynn: Why do you hate me?
Kathleen: I know, I know. You hate Tammy Koobach. I’m not voting for her, don’t worry. I just wanted to see if the book was good.
Patty Lynn: Is it?
Kathleen: It’s interesting enough for a book clearly made to promote her campaign.
Patty Lynn: That’s good, I guess. Now let’s just enjoy the view.
Kathleen: What view? The street?
Patty Lynn: There’s beautiful sights out here.
Kathleen: Such as?
Patty Lynn: Nature!
Kathleen: I don’t think the Ford Focus in front of us with a license place that says “Chick magnet” really counts as “nature.”
Patty Lynn: I’m just glad we’re finally in Texas, I guess. It felt like we were driving through Louisiana for an eternity.
Six hours later…
Kathleen: It’s almost seven and it’s dark out. How much longer do we have?
Patty Lynn: Two more hours until Amarillo.
Kathleen: Why did we choose to stay overnight in a place that’s thirteen hours away? We’ve already been riding in the car for eleven hours, we’ve spent another two hours at various restaurants and/or bathrooms, and I’m tired. I’ve had like six Starbucks drinks, I think I’m about to enter a sugar coma. I’ve already watched three Bette Midler movies, read to a book, and listen to the entire discography of the Eagles.
Patty Lynn: I know, it hasn’t been a great ride. Thelma and Louise made this look like so much fun.
Kathleen: Did they? Thelma almost gets raped, they killed people, there’s a robbery, and then to top it all off, they died.
Patty Lynn: You know, everyone keeps saying that but I think they left it open to interpretation.
Kathleen: They drove into the Grand Canyon.
Patty Lynn: I had this same argument with Marietta. You guys are wrong. I’ll prove it! Call Milton.
Kathleen: Fine.
Kathleen calls Milton.
Milton: Aunt Kathleen! What’s up?
Kathleen: Your mother and I have a question for you.
Milton: I just got out of a nine hour Senate confirmation hearing, but I always have time for you guys. What’s the question?
Kathleen: Okay, so… Thelma & Louise. Did they die?
Milton: Obviously.
Patty Lynn: You’re so wrong!
Milton: Kate and Ellie are right here, care to ask them as well?
Patty Lynn: Sure.
Milton: Okay, you’re on speaker phone.
Ellie: Does that mean we’re on with the Speaker of the House right now? Where are you, Carolyn?
Kathleen: No Carolyn here, just Milton’s aunt and mom.
Ellie: Oh, hi guys!
Kate: Hey there! How are you? I heard you’re on a road trip.
Kathleen: Yes, we’re on a big road trip. We’re going all the way to the Grand Canyon, with a brief stop in Amarillo tonight. We just have a quick question for you. Did Thelma and Louise die at the end of the movie?
Kate: I am close personal friends with Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon.
Ellie: Of course you are.
Kate: Yes, Thelma and Louise died. The movie was so much more meaningful because they died.
Ellie: You’re wrong. They’re alive, movie magic saved them. There’s gonna be a sequel one of these days.
Patty Lynn: Thank you! It’s so obvious.
The next morning…
Kathleen: Patty Lynn! Wake up!
Patty Lynn: What’s going on?
Kathleen: It’s six o’clock! We have to get out of here!
Patty Lynn: What? Why?
Kathleen: We’re running a half hour late! Get up!
Patty Lynn: Ten more minutes.
Kathleen: No! Get up!
Two hours later…
Kathleen: I can’t believe it’s eight o’clock and we’re only now leaving Amarillo.
Patty Lynn: You’re the one that wanted to eat at Cracker Barrel.
Kathleen: We had to eat at some point. Rather here than at some fast food place again. Let’s just get on the road. I’m driving today. You scared me yesterday.
Patty Lynn: I wasn’t bad!
Kathleen: It wasn’t great. We almost got hit three times. I don’t want to die today.
Patty Lynn: You drive today, I’d like the time off anyway. Just, once we get into the desert I think we should recreate that Thelma and Louise picture, the one with the scarf and the sunglasses. Just for fun. 
Kathleen: Sure. Once we get to the desert, I’ll pull over like an idiot so you can take a picture.
Three hours later…
Kathleen: Is this a good place to stop for your picture?
Patty Lynn: Huh?
Kathleen: The picture you wanted to take. Should I stop here to take it?
Patty Lynn: Sorry, I was listening to music on Spotify.
Kathleen: Get out of the car.
Patty Lynn: What?
Kathleen: Get out. We’re taking your picture.
Patty Lynn: Aww, thank you!
Kathleen: You’re welcome. We’ve only got seven more hours so we’re practically there already.
Nine hours later….
Kathleen: Patty Lynn…
Patty Lynn: What? Did we make a wrong turn? Are we in Oregon?
Kathleen: No. We’re here. We’re finally here.
Patty Lynn: You mean it?
Kathleen: Yes.
Patty Lynn: Would it be bad if I kissed the ground?
Kathleen: I don’t know if I’d do that…
Patty Lynn: I won’t, I won’t. I want to, though.
Kathleen: Let’s go check in!
Kathleen and Patty Lynn head in to the hotel lobby to check in.
Kathleen: Hey there, Denise, can we check in? It’s been a long day.
Denise: Sure. What’s your name?
Kathleen: Kathleen Landfield.
Patty Lynn: You changed your name back?
Kathleen: I never officially changed it.
Patty Lynn: Really?
Kathleen: It was my third marriage, I didn’t want to go through the hassle again.
Patty Lynn: How didn’t I know that?
Kathleen: My address labels had Allen’s last name on them. It was a mistake at first and then I just kept it that way since I figured we’d be okay after the ten year mark.
Denise: We don’t have anyone under that name, I’m sorry.
Kathleen: How about Kathleen Jarvitz?
Denise: Let me check.
Kathleen: Please check quickly. It’s been a hell of a day.
Denise: We don’t have anyone under that name, either.
Kathleen: Kathleen Landfield-Jarvitz?
Denise: We do have someone under that name!
Kathleen: Must’ve been a mistake on my part.
Denise: Do you have identification?
Kathleen: Here.
Denise: Okay, everything checks out. Here are your keys. You’ll be staying in room 204.
Kathleen: Are there any first floor rooms available? We’re very old.
Denise: That is on the first floor even though it doesn’t sound like it.
Kathleen: You are an angel, thank you.
Denise: Have a nice night.
Kathleen You too.
Patty Lynn: So where are we headed?
Kathleen: Room 204. It’s on the first floor. Let’s go park the car in front of it so we can get unpacked.
Patty Lynn: But it’s so late.
Kathleen: It’s seven thirty.
Patty Lynn: Alright, fine.
Kathleen: You can even go to the room if you’d like. I’ll bring the stuff in.
Patty Lynn: No, I’ll help.
Kathleen: Thank you.
The next day…
Kathleen: Good morning! You sure slept in.
Patty Lynn: What time is it?
Kathleen: Seven.
Patty Lynn: We’re on vacation. Just relax.
Kathleen: We only have a week here. Let’s not blow it resting in the hotel room because the drive was so harsh.
Patty Lynn: We can’t go anywhere until about nine. We showered last night, we can relax for a bit. We’re only twenty minutes away from Grand Canyon National Park.
Kathleen: Fine, but this isn’t the only place we’re going while we’re in Arizona.
Patty Lynn: I know, Thelma. Let’s just focus on the here and now.
Kathleen: What? I’m not Thelma! I’m clearly Louise. She’s the fun one!
Patty Lynn: I’m the fun one. I’m Louise.
Kathleen: Oh, fine. At least my name is listed first. Kathy & Patty. They should make a movie about us.
Patty Lynn: It would be called Patty & Kathy. My name has to go first.
Kathleen: Then I guess you’re Thelma! Ha!

What did you think of the episode? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season two playlist below and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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