Finally Back Home Season 1 Episode 3: The Makeup Artist



[JOSH and ANDREW walk into the doctors’ office.]

RECEPTIONIST
As I told you already, you’re too old to see a doctor here.

ANDREW
I know Doris, we work here.

RECEPTIONIST
How did you know my name is Doris?

ANDREW
From all the times you’ve answered the phone with “Doctor Whiskers’ office, this is Doris”.

JOSH
Also about that, I saw a cat back there the other day.

DORIS
Yeah that confuses a lot of people. Doctor Whiskers is not a cat. Doctor Whiskers just likes brining James to work every now and then.

JOSH
So I guess we’ll start now. Hopefully we don’t scare any kids this time.

DORIS
Oh that reminds me, your makeup artist will be here shortly.

ANDREW
Josh did you order a makeup artist?

JOSH
No. This must be some mistake.

DORIS
Nobody told you? To celebrate Black History Month we’re going to—

ANDREW
No.

DORIS
You didn’t even let me finish!

JOSH
He didn’t have to. That’s disgusting.

DORIS
Putting up educational posters with facts is disgusting now? Racist.

ANDREW
I don’t think we’re on the same page here.

DORIS
Yeah so anyways the makeup artist is going to make you look like clowns.

JOSH
How does this have any relation to Black History Month?

DORIS
It doesn’t.

JOSH
Ok...why did you tell us about that then?

DORIS
In case Doctor Whiskers gives you a pop quiz.

ANDREW
That can happen?

DORIS
Yeah he gives them all the time.

CUT to FRAN and BRIAN at the mattress store. FRAN is standing outside next to MR. FROG, the mascot.

FRAN
Do you ever get bored, Mr. Frog?

FRAN (after a pause)
What made you decide on a mattress store?

FRAN (after another pause)
Guess you’re not in the talking mood today. I’ll be quiet now.

BOB
Fran, can I see you for a second?

FRAN
Can you do it here? Mr. Frog might need help.

BOB
He can wait. I need you to help your husband out with something.

FRAN
Oh! Is he alright?

BOB
Wouldn’t know. He’s asking for you though. Follow me.

FRAN and BOB walk to the back section of the store where BRIAN is working.

BRIAN
So turns out I double-booked.

FRAN
What do you mean?

BRIAN
I’m supposed to be in two places at once. Can you cover for me while I’m gone?

FRAN
I don’t think you’re allowed to do that!

BOB
Also you do know I’m your manager and I can fire you, right?

BRIAN
It won’t take long.

BOB
Go ahead then, but don’t expect to be paid for that time. Not like the store’s busy today, only three people so far. Usually we’re at four by now.

BRIAN
Thanks boss, I’ll be back soon.

BRIAN walks out of the store and into his car.

CUT to JOSH and ANDREW at the doctor’s office.

ANDREW
...and that’s how George Washington became President.

CHILD
That was boring.

JOSH
Why did you ask then?

CHILD
For my school assignment. Got everything you said recorded, thanks!

ANDREW
You sound perfectly fine for someone who claims to have strep throat.

CHILD
Yeah I lied. The paper was due today and I didn’t feel like writing it.

JOSH
I think the less we know the better.

DORIS
Hey, your makeup artist is here!

CHILD [laughing]
You called for a makeup artist? I have to see this.

ANDREW
We didn’t call for one. Excuse us though.

JOSH and ANDREW approach DORIS to greet the makeup artist.

MAKEUP ARTIST
Sorry I’m a little late, got caught up at my new job. Someone needs to put a clock in that place, I forgot to put my watch on today.

ANDREW
Brian?!

BRIAN
Hey, Andrew! How’s the job going?

ANDREW
Well for one you’re here as the makeup artist that we didn’t know about until today.

BRIAN
Just making ends meet.

JOSH
By making people look like clowns?

BRIAN
You’re actually my first clients. Haven’t even practiced once.

JOSH
Sounds promising.

BRIAN
I guess now’s as good a time as ever.

ANDREW
Make it quick. If you have any anesthesia that would be great.

DORIS
Nope. Good luck.

DORIS walks away.

BRIAN takes JOSH and ANDREW to a back area to attempt to make them look like clowns.

JOSH
You are inescapable, aren’t you?

BRIAN
I can’t help it. How was I supposed to know this is the pediatrician’s office you work at?

ANDREW
By asking us.

BRIAN
We agreed to stay out of one another’s business.

JOSH
This would’ve been a valid exception.

BRIAN
My bad. Anyways, my work here is done.

JOSH and ANDREW look at themselves in the mirror and are taken aback by the reflections.

ANDREW
Brian, you did a great job. Or does that mean you did a bad job?

BRIAN
Don’t know. I need to go back to work now, good luck with the kids.

BRIAN exits. JOSH and ANDREW enter the waiting room. The child they were talking to before laughs, while the others scream. DOCTOR WHISKERS lets out a high-pitched shriek.

ANDREW
So we scared the doctor this time too.

JOSH
Hopefully next time is better.

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