Our House Season 3 Episode 3 - Our Cousin Disappears

Our House Season 3, Episode 3
Our Cousin Disappears

Teri: Hey, Tammi? Have you seen Carlene today?

Tammi: What? No. I don’t know if you know it or not, but it’s noon on a Thursday. I know you don’t work every day but most of us do and that’s where Carlene is.

Teri: Oh, my god. I woke up at noon.

Tammi: Yes, this is my lunch.

Teri: You really aren’t concerned about Carlene at all?

Tammi: Concerned she’s working? Most people do.

Teri: No, concerned that she took us off of her Facebook friends list.

Tammi: Huh?

Teri: You’re looking at me like I’m crazy. I’m not crazy.

Tammi: She didn’t take me off. She probably didn’t take you off either, don’t worry.

Teri: She did. I thought it was an accident but, as always, I called up Danielle right away and she was also taken off so this is personal.

Tammi: I don’t know what to tell you. It’s probably no big deal. Now, I gotta get back to work. I’m late.

Teri: How long is your lunch?

Tammi: Half an hour.

Teri: You have lunch at 11:30? That’s insane!

Tammi: I eat at the time they give me. Now, I have to eat in my office so let me take my pickle and half a club sandwich and get back in there.

Four hours later, at the family meeting…

Teri: Everyone, get your phones out now. Go to Facebook.

Mitchell: I don’t have a Facebook!

Steven: Neither do I. I have Instagram.

Teri: Then go to Instagram. Is it that hard?

Steven: Sorry, I will.

Teri: Please don’t cry. I’m in a crabby mood today, it isn’t your fault.

Jerry: I don’t have any social media.

Teri: Jerry…

Jerry: What?

Teri: Jerry…

Jerry: What!

Teri: We all know you have a secret Facebook account where you go on and snoop on us. You’re friends with a few of us that have loose lips.

Jerry: Dammit, Cindy!

Cindy: It wasn’t me!

Teri: So he admits it!

Velma: What do you want us to check Facebook for?

Teri: Look to see if you’re still friends with Carlene. As you can see, she’s not here right now.

Tammi: This again? I told you, it’s fine!

Teri: Is it now? I know it’s not.

Tammi: How do you know that?

Teri: Mom and I did some digging.

Tammi: Oh, grandma. What did you do?

Betty: Okay, no one get mad. I have keys to all of your rooms.

Ralph: You have what?

Betty: I said not to get mad!

Karl: We will discuss this later.

Betty: I know.

Cindy: What about our rooms, mom?

Betty: I may have, kinda-sorta, gone in Carlene’s.

Tammi: No wonder she took Teri off Facebook, she probably thinks she’s been snooping in her room! She made all of our room keys.

Betty: No, this was today, after the Facebook incident that I was also a part of. That’s right, my own niece stabbed me in the back.

Cindy: Mom, what is in her room?

Mitchell: I swear, you need to beg some of you people to get to the damn point sometimes.

Betty: Her room is empty!

Tammi: That’s incriminating.

Velma: I’m not friends with her anymore on Facebook!

Ralph: Me neither.

Jerry: I am.

Karl: I am not. That’s hurtful.

Danielle: I’m not, but I only checked again for dramatic effect since I knew she took me off a few hours ago thanks to Teri.

Tammi: Okay, Aunt Teri. You’re not crazy. Something weird is going on. You were right.

Teri: As always.

Mitchell: I still don’t have a Facebook.

Velma: Oh, can it. Not everything’s about you.

Teri: This isn’t the end of the saga, folks.

Frank: Good, this is getting interesting.

Betty: Who said you could talk?

Tammi: Grandma…

Betty: Kidding!

Teri: I am very curious and impatient -

Cindy: We know.

Teri: I sent Carlene a Facebook message after mom found her room empty. I told Carlene how disappointed we were with her for abandoning us and cutting her out like this.

Cindy: Oh boy.

Teri: Correct reaction.

Cindy: Did she respond?

Teri: Oh, she responded.

Betty: You didn’t tell me that! 

Teri: I couldn’t find you so I called Danielle.

Danielle: She sure did. My boss loved all the calls I got today.

Teri: Sorry.

Betty: I was down the street watching that new show about chess.

Teri: Why were you watching The Queen’s Gambit down the street?

Karl: We were supposed to watch that together!

Betty: The HOA was doing a free showing of it at the clubhouse. I couldn’t resist that.

Teri: We have Netflix. You could’ve watching it at home!

Betty: I like the community togetherness!

Teri: Anyway, she responded with a deranged rant.

Ralph: I, for one, am shocked.

Teri: You sound sarcastic.

Ralph: Based on the evidence presented to us so far, it’s clear she’s got some issues. A deranged rant makes sense.

Teri: You guys want to hear it?

Jerry: Of course we do.

Teri: Here we go! She replied with “I know I’m a disappointment, you all make me aware of that every day. Well let me tell you something, I’m very disappointed too. I’ve tried to please you all but you leave me out of everything and guess what? Now I’m the one not pleased with you people. I have enough going on in my life and I’m at work so I’ll end this here. No need to worry about me now, you haven’t for months since I’m no longer new and exciting. Thanks for letting me know how disappointed you are in me one last time, I know I’m such a disgrace.” She then ended it with a stupid emoji, but I think she used the wrong one because this one looks like a constipated face.

Frank: What the heck is wrong with her? I get crapped on every day but I never have a meltdown. That rant was nuts!

Betty: My god. I actually agree with Frank.

Danielle: Hell hath frozen over.

Teri: I was quite taken aback by the response myself. I just wrote back and told her that we’ve all been going through a lot lately and we appreciate her and care for her. She ignored me, and I’m done. Her stuff is gone, her car is gone, Daphne is gone, every trace of her is gone. She went off the deep end. She can come crawling back to this house once she realized what she did, but she’s not coming back in. She’s done.

Jerry: Isn’t that just proving her point that she can’t please us?

Teri: No. We didn’t do this to her. She has problems.

Velma: I’m going to send her a message.

Mitchell: You sure about that?

Velma: Yes, you idiot. I have my own brain.

Mitchell: Sorry.

Teri: This is political, by the way. Just look who she deleted. Me, mom, dad, Ralph, Danielle. She even deleted Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Rob and my friend Carolyn in Florida. What do we have in common?

Jerry: Socialism?

Teri: We’re all Democrats.

Velma: She deleted me and I’m not a Democrat.

Teri: She doesn’t know that, though. She only kept the known conservatives. Steven as well, but we don’t know what he is. He’s probably a lost cause, though.

Tammi: My son is not a lost cause!

Teri: I mean lost for my side of the aisle. With you guys around, I won’t be able to make him a liberal.

Frank: Thank god for that.

Cindy: I don’t know if it’s political, Teri. She’s never been political before.

Teri: We knew her for a year, and she spent like two months of that year being super political and getting in arguments with us over it.

Cindy: Not since the election, though.

Teri: No, not really. However, that’s the only point where we ever argued with her. We always included her and never made fun of her like Frank. This is over politics.

Cindy: I don’t know a-

Velma: I just got a reply!

Mitchell: Let’s hear it!

Velma: I’m getting to it. She said “I’m sorry I was so abrupt and unfriended you. I am going through something now and just had a full-blown meltdown at work.”

Teri: That’s it?

Velma: Yes. She didn’t answer my question, which was “Why did you delete me?”

Teri: She’s crazy. Everything clearly needs to be about her.

Karl: She’s a narcissist.

Betty: That’s a nice way to put it. I think she’s a full-blown egomaniac.

Ralph: I always knew she was right-wing, but I never thought it would actually cause her to do this. I’m completely shocked.

Teri: All I ever did was make a joke comment when she posted about how much she hated wearing a mask back during the norellovirus in June. In June!

Ralph: Dad called her an asshole, though.

Karl: We made up after that.

Ralph: You did keep jabbing at her throughout the election.

Karl: We were doing well, though!

Cindy: What if it’s not about politics, like I said?

Teri: What could it be about, then?

Cindy: I don’t know, she’s nuts!

Velma: Is anyone going to contact her anymore?

Cindy: I don’t think we should poke the bear.

Teri: I agree. However, if she does call, you better defend me.

Cindy: I will.

Teri: Cindy, I know you. Tammi, you too. You aren’t confrontational. You’re both friends with her on social media. She clearly likes you both. If she calls either of you, let her know how much she hurt those of us that she cut off.

Jerry: She left the house and took off. She hurt us all, even if we do love America like she does.

Betty: Jerry, you have feelings. That’s sweet.

Jerry: I’ve always had feelings. I just rarely show them.

Cindy: So, no one’s going to call her or message her further 

Mitchell: We shouldn’t just shun her, though.

Velma: We should.

Mitchell: She’s family.

Teri: Family that’s crazy.

Mitchell: That’s true. You don’t abandon family, though. Look at me with my family. They’re nuts and I still see them.

Betty: You don’t have to make fun of us like that.

Mitchell: Oh, Auntie Betty, I didn’t mean you. I meant my sisters.

Betty: I know, I’m just joking around with you.

Teri: We were actually able to solve a problem together like adults, so I guess this family meeting can be adjourned now. I’m so proud of us.

The next morning…

Velma: Is anyone here awake?

Betty: I am!

Velma: Wow, you’re an early riser today! It’s five in the morning!

Betty: I couldn’t sleep.

Velma: You’re not going to want to after I tell you this. Carlene sent me a friend request and tried to call me!

Betty: She did WHAT?

Velma: Shh, you’ll wake the others up.

Cindy: Too late.

Betty: Oh, Cindy. I’m sorry.

Cindy: I was getting up anyway in half an hour. Don’t be too worried about it. Worst comes to worse, I’ll just be bitchy at work and expel a few kids today that don’t deserve it.

Betty: No big deal, then.

Teri: You woke me up and that is a big deal! I went to bed at three in the morning. Two hours sleep, and for what?

Velma: Carlene -

Teri: Ugh, that name.

Velma: Carlene tried to friend me again on Facebook and she tried to call me again.

Teri: Oh my god! She’s completely deranged.

Danielle: Who is?

Teri: Carlene.

Danielle: Oh. That was totally worth me losing an hour of sleep for.

Teri: I’m sorry. I just can’t believe that she’s actually making an attempt to get back in Velma’s good graces.

Velma: Why is that so hard to believe?

Teri: You weren’t the one she was closest with among the people she unfriended and you’re the only one with whom she seems to care about making things better.

Velma: I’m ignoring her. I don’t need the drama. She cut me out of her life, I’m done worrying about her.

Teri: Good for you.

Jerry: She woke up the whole house. Not good for her!

Velma: Oh, my god! I’m so sorry.

Later that day…

Cindy: Someone’s at the door!

Teri: Well, why don’t you get it?

Cindy: I’m making dinner.

Teri: I’m Christmas shopping.

Cindy: Can’t you take a break?

Teri: Can’t you?

Karl: I’ll get it.

Ralph: Thank you, dad. I can’t listen to these two any longer.

Karl opens the door.

Karl: What the hell are you doing here?

Carlene: I forgot something when I left yesterday.

Karl: Why would you come back here? Why would you think we’d let you in?

Carlene: It was my mom’s necklace. I left it in the bathroom and forgot about it.

Karl: It was your mom’s?

Carlene: Yes, that’s all I want. I never would’ve come back for anything else

Karl: What did it look like?

Carlene: There was a halo on it.

Karl: I’ll go get it.

Carlene: Can’t I come in and grab it?

Karl: No, you’ve upset this family enough. You can wait out here.

Carlene: I didn’t do nearly as much to you people as you did to me!

Karl: Carlene, do you want your necklace?

Carlene: Yes.

Karl: Then shut up and wait.

Karl slams the door.

Ralph: Wow, dad. Who was that?

Teri: Yeah, you look pissed.

Karl: Telemarketer.

Ralph: At the door?

Karl: Yes, they do that now.

Karl goes into the bathroom and grabs Carlene’s necklace.

Betty: Karl, what are you doing with that necklace?

Karl: Christmas gift for… Velma.

Velma: You bought me a Christmas gift? That’s so sweet!

Karl: Uh-huh.

Velma: I won’t tell anyone that you already revealed what my gift was.

Karl: Thanks.

Karl goes back to the door.

Karl: Here. Take it and go.

Carlene: I appreciate that you gave it back. I wish I could’ve come in to say my peace to everyone, though.

Karl: You would’ve have to say your peace if you wouldn’t have lashed out at everyone. You made your bed, now lie in it. Somewhere else.

Carlene: I guess this is goodbye, then.

Karl: Guess it is. Leave my house now, and don’t come back.

Carlene: I don’t plan on it.

Karl walks back into the house and closes the door. Teri hugs him.

Teri: Thank you, dad.

What did you think of the new episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the midseason finale next week!

Who was your favorite character in Our House Season 3 Episode 3, "Our Cousin Disappears?"

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