Marietta Season 1, Episode 10
Marietta Christmas, Darling
DECEMBER 15, 10 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS; Marietta is awakened by a phone call.
Marietta: Milton, what is so important that you had to call me at 8 in the morning? I should never be woken up before Kathie Lee and Hoda are on.
Milton: You were a senator! How did you wake up so late all those years? Also, it’s Saturday. Kathie Lee and Hoda aren’t even on today.
Marietta: I’m very smart.
Milton: That has nothing to do with what I just asked.
Marietta: Well it’s the truth.
Milton: Y’know what, I don’t care. I’m done with this conversation. There’s a more pressing issue to address.
Marietta: What is it?
Milton: I just saw an email from Gene Hawley, the director of this year’s Christmas Day parade.
Marietta: Why did you need to call me about some Christmas parade?
Milton: Umm, it’s THE New Orleans Christmas Day Parade, it’s a big deal. Also, they want us to be in it.
Marietta: Oh my god, I get to be a pretty princess, it’s all I've ever wanted!
Milton: Be serious.
Marietta: Well I’m still not hearing a reason for you to have called so early to wake me up on a Saturday!!!
Milton: You are a 55 year-old woman, you shouldn’t be throwing a temper tantrum because someone woke you up an hour earlier than normal.
Marietta: Well, sleep is very important to me. Especially since I was up very late last night watching a Blue Bloods marathon.
Milton: How late?
Marietta: 4 AM.
Milton: I don’t have words for you. You somehow manage to act so young and so old at the same time, it’s really incredible.
Marietta: Thank you.
Milton: Not a compliment. Nobody ever means that as a compliment.
Marietta: Very funny.
Milton: Anyway, I need some sort of answer about -
Milton’s phone rings.
DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY
Milton: Oh lord, Mom’s calling.
Marietta: Ignore her like I do. Also, Deck the Halls? There’s better Christmas songs out there but okay.
Milton: Don’t judge my taste. And you’re distracting me again! What should I say about the Christmas parade?
Marietta: I guess we better do it. Turning it down would be bad press for the campaign.
Milton: Well, then we have an even bigger problem.
Marietta: And what is that?
Milton: Mom.
Marietta: Oh yeah, her.
Milton: She’s had our “first Christmas” planned for so long. We were all gonna stay at Mom and Dad’s on Christmas Eve so we could spend Christmas morning together. And then we would open presents, call up Great Aunt Beulah because you never know when she’s gonna go, and then go caroling before going back to Mom and Dad’s to spend “family time” together until, like every year, mom gets drunk on eggnog and passes out in front of the Christmas tree like a dog. Then we’d play cards with dad while watching some crappy Hallmark movie. It was going to be the perfect Christmas.
Marietta: Can’t we do that after the parade?
Milton: No! She has it all scheduled!
Marietta: Even the times we get up?
Milton: More than that! She has our Christmas Eve bedtimes written down, too!
Marietta: And when is that?
Milton: 7:30.
Marietta: That really does sound like Mom’s idea of a perfect Christmas. And nobody else’s.
Milton: Yeah, it’s terrible. But at least it’s better than last Christmas.
Marietta: What was last Christmas?
Milton: Basically all of that, but without you there. Dad and I had to deal with all the crazy by ourselves. But we do it because it makes Mom happy. And because we have our own Christmas together the next day.
Marietta: So what should we do about the Christmas parade?
Milton: Well, I already said yes.
Marietta: Without asking me?
Milton: I just said yes. So technically I had already asked you, I just didn’t get an answer. Which would have been…?
Marietta: A yes, I guess. So we don’t get to go caroling at noon. The parade’s only two hours anyway. Mom is probably going to understand.
Milton: She’s Mom.
Marietta: That’s why we’re telling her on December 23rd. It’ll be too close to Christmas for her to do anything about it. She wouldn’t risk us getting mad at her and not letting Christmas happen at all.
Milton: You overestimate Mom’s ability to accept change.
Marietta: Well, we’ll see.
DECEMBER 18, 7 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS; Marietta and Milton are baking cookies with Martin and Patty Lynn.
Patty Lynn: I’m so glad my baby is home for Christmas!
Milton: I feel so loved.
Patty Lynn: You’re my baby, too! But you’re always here.
Milton: Because you force me to be..
Patty Lynn: And don’t you forget it.
Marietta: I’m really glad to be back, Mom. My DC Christmases just weren’t the same as the Christmases of my youth here in New Orleans.
Patty Lynn: Well I made the schedule for Christmas and Christmas Eve. I already gave it to Milton because I used his printer for it, but I thought you’d like it.
Marietta: Wow, the festivities start at 5 AM on Christmas morning.
Milton: Like they always do!
Patty Lynn: Because it’s what makes sense.
Marietta: Does it?
Patty Lynn: Of course!
Marietta: If you say so, mom.
Patty Lynn: So are you excited for it to start?
Marietta: Well, I was waiting to tell you but-
Milton, whispering: No!
Marietta, whispering: I have to.
Patty Lynn: What. are you two whispering about?
Marietta: Milton and I have been asked to be the grand marshals of the New Orleans Christmas Day Parade.
Patty Lynn: The parade? The one that starts at 6 and runs until 8?
Marietta: Yep, that one.
Patty Lynn: That won’t work dear. That’s when we’re opening presents and getting ready to go caroling. Just look at the schedule.
Marietta: Can’t you change the schedule?
Patty Lynn: We’re liberals. A new schedule would require me to use three more pieces of paper and that’s just ridiculous and wasteful. Not to mention dangerous.
Marietta: It’s a good thing that paper has two sides.
Patty Lynn: You have something to say about everything. Martin, I need a cookie.
Martin: But I’m not done piping it. Santa doesn’t have a head yet.
Patty Lynn: JUST GIVE ME THE COOKIE MARTIN!
Martin: Okay dear.
Milton: Dad, does she hurt you? Blink twice if she does.
Marietta: I really think this parade would be good for the campaign, Mom.
Milton: That’s one blink, dad! C’mon, one more!
Marietta: Milton, stop.
Milton: That’s really hurtful.
Martin: Everyone shut up!
Marietta: Whoa.
Martin: Patty Lynn, the kids are doing the parade. They’re adults, they have a choice in the matter. Marietta, be nicer to your mother. Milton, your mother doesn't hurt me.
Milton: Dad’s taking charge. I respect it.
DECEMBER 20, 5 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS; Marietta and Tammy are at Milton’s discussing Christmas plans.
Marietta: So, Milton and I are going to be grand marshals at the Christmas parade.
Tammy: Ooh, that’s great. Mitch and I are just gonna sit inside our house in Upstate New York and eat fruitcake and watch Christmas Vacation while the Secret Service stands outside like every year. The luxurious life of a former First Lady.
Marietta: That sounds terrible. At least Mom’s Christmas doesn’t make me feel sad. Annoyed yes, but not sad.
Tammy: I don’t love it, but Mitch just loves that Chevy Chase.
Marietta: I already watched Christmas Vacation for the year, it was great as always. And also the same as it's always been. Maybe you guys can change it up a little bit. Try Elf!
Tammy: We watch that on Christmas Eve, Mitch loves Will Ferrell too.
Marietta: Okay, how about The Grinch?
Tammy: Mitch is scared of Jim Carrey in that movie.
Marietta: Is Mitch 4-and-a-half years old?
Tammy: No, he just acts like it sometimes.
Marietta: Well, at least listen to some music. Maybe some Mariah or some Darlene Love or the Carpenters.
Tammy: We listen to Kenny G.
Marietta: You’re hopeless.
Tammy: I know.
Just then, Tammy gets a phone call.
Tammy: Hello.
Caller: Hello, is this Tammy Yarborough?
Tammy: Speaking. Who is this?
Caller: This is Brenda calling with Delta Air Lines. We’re just calling to tell you that all flights from December 22 until December 24 have been canceled due to the blizzard expected to hit the East Coast on those days.
Tammy: What? Since when do you cancel flights so far in advance?
Brenda: Since we’re Delta. Have a Merry Christmas!
*click*
Marietta: Ha! That’s hilarious!
Tammy: What? That I won’t get home for Chevy Chase-mas?
Marietta: No, that you were flying with Delta!
Tammy: That’s mean. But true, I can’t deal with those people anymore.
Marietta: So what are you going to do about Christmas?
Tammy: Do you have room for one more at Martin and Patty Lynn’s?
Marietta: Mom needs a friend for the holiday, so there’s more than enough room. Actually, she’s probably gonna give you my room.
Tammy: Sounds good!
DECEMBER 23, 2 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS; Marietta is sitting at home, wrapping presents, when she makes a phone call.
Marietta: Hello, is this Gene Hawley from the New Orleans Christmas Day Parade?
Gene: Yes it is. Is this Marietta Landfield?
Marietta: Why yes, it is. I’m calling today to ask for a favor.
Gene: What is it? I’d be happy to help our very special co-grand marshal! By the way, I’m so sorry about your loss. I voted for you!
Marietta: Oh yes, thank you. I’d like to know if my parents and our friend Tammy could join my brother and I as grand marshals. They don’t even need to be grand marshals, we just need to make sure the carriage has room for all of us. I really need to make this a special Christmas for them.
Gene: Well I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it.
Marietta: Why not? I thought you’d do anything for me, Gene.
Gene: Oh I’m just messing with you! Consider it a done deal! I’ve always wondered why parades don’t have five grand marshals!
Marietta: Thanks so much, bye!
DECEMBER 24, CHRISTMAS EVE; Marietta, Milton, and Tammy arrive at Martin and Patty Lynn’s for their Christmas sleepover.
Marietta: Tammy, you look like you packed your entire house. Three suitcases?
Tammy: I don’t know what I’ll need or not.
Marietta: Clothing, a toothbrush, a comb, maybe some medicine. That’s it. They have the rest.
Tammy: I brought a box set of every stop motion Christmas special. Surely they don’t have that.
Marietta: They have every Christmas movie ever made.
Tammy: But do they have Christmas Vacation? Because I need to watch it tonight.
Marietta: They have it on Blu-Ray and DVD!
Tammy: Well okay, maybe I did pack too much.
Marietta: Considering that we’re staying for three days, and not three weeks, yes you did.
Milton: C’mon girls, let’s go. The crazy awaits.
Marietta: Oh lord.
Tammy: I’m excited! Mitch never let me make a big deal about Christmas.
Marietta: Big deal is putting it lightly. You’ve never spent Christmas with Patty Lynn Landfield.
Tammy: It can’t be that bad.
Marietta: Just walk into the house. It’s not good.
Tammy: Wait, there’ more Christmas decorations in there than there are outside?
Marietta: Yep. The 15 inflatables, 37 strings of light and 20 blow mold decorations just aren’t enough. She has to make the inside look like Christmas puked on it, too. Even the bathroom is all decked out.
Tammy: Why?
Milton: Because she’s Patty Lynn Landfield, the world’s biggest Christmas freak.
Patty Lynn: Ooh, Martin I hear the kids outside!
Marietta: And Tammy, too! Don’t forget Tammy’s here!
Patty Lynn: Oh hey, Tammy! The more the merrier!
FOUR HOURS LATER
Patty Lynn: Alright Marietta, you were supposed to pick our Christmas Eve feast since you haven’t been here in years. What did you pick?
Marietta: I brought my favorite meal from DC with me. A box of Philly cheesesteaks and a bag of mozzarella sticks.
Patty Lynn: You brought cheesesteaks for our Christmas Eve dinner?
Marietta: Yes, Danny and I got it every year in DC and it became my own Christmas Eve tradition.
Patty Lynn: Most people would have gone with a chicken or even something local, but this is acceptable enough.
Marietta: That’s heartwarming, Mom.
Martin: Alright Marietta, let’s get that food out. I’m starving.
Marietta: Wouldn’t Mom let you eat?
Martin: No.
Marietta: That checks out.
Tammy: I would just like to comment that I am very excited for these cheesesteaks, but I do think I ruined my appetite by eating that entire package of cutout cookies.
Milton: You ate time hem all?
Tammy: Yes.
Milton: Aww man. This is the only time of year that Mom makes them anymore.
Marietta: Umm, no it’s -
Patty Lynn stares at Marietta from across the table.
Milton: You were saying?
Marietta: I was saying, you know, it’s not that big a deal.
Milton: Right…
Martin: She was saying that your mom makes cutout cookies all the time and just never gives you any because she sends them to your sister and your Aunt Kathleen.
Milton: Aunt Kathleen?
Patty Lynn: Well, I can explain. Y’see, Aunt Kathleen gave me the recipe for them.
Martin: Lie.
Patty Lynn: Okay, I sent them to Kathleen because I didn't have anyone else to send them to.
Milton: Me! You have me!
Patty Lynn: Alright, I was worried about you getting fat, Milton.
Milton: What?
Patty Lynn: You packed on a few pounds a few years ago, and I was afraid that you’d make a pig out of yourself with the cookies, so I told you I stopped making them.
Milton: Wow, Christmas is crushing my dreams this year.
Patty Lynn: Next time I make them, I’ll give you some.
Milton: I would like that.
Martin: Poor Kathleen.
Milton: She can manage.
Marietta: She's in her seventies, she's been married three times and she lives in Secaucus, New Jersey. Can she? She's had some struggles.
Milton: Aunt Kathleen is the strongest, scariest woman I know. She doesn't need cookies.
Patty Lynn: I can just make more. This isn't a huge crisis guys.
Marietta: She's in her seventies, she's been married three times and she lives in Secaucus, New Jersey. Can she? She's had some struggles.
Milton: Aunt Kathleen is the strongest, scariest woman I know. She doesn't need cookies.
Patty Lynn: I can just make more. This isn't a huge crisis guys.
Marietta: So Mom, how are you enjoying the cheesesteak?
Patty Lynn: It’s actually good. You win.
Marietta: Thank you. I like winning.
Tammy: I’ll be honest, even with all those cookies, I couldn’t help but eat that entire cheesesteak. It’s so good.
Marietta: Where do you put it?
Tammy: I have a very unusually large stomach. My doctor said it’s unlike any he’s ever seen in a woman my size. But I’m totally healthy.
Marietta: Right.
Milton: Dad, can you pass the mozzarella sticks?
Martin: Sure.
Patty Lynn: Let me have some quickly!
Martin: Alright.
Marietta: Oooh yeah, me too.
Patty Lynn: Here ya go.
Tammy: Yeah, I’ll take some too.
Marietta: Here.
Tammy: Alright Milton, here’s the sticks.
Milton: There’s one left!
Patty Lynn: Sorry.
Milton: Ahh, Christmas magic.
Marietta: Ooh, that reminds me! I have a surprise for you all!
Patty Lynn: Save it for the morning!
Marietta: Trust me, I can’t. Here Dad, here Mom, here Tammy.
Marietta hands Martin, Patty Lynn and Tammy envelopes.
Patty Lynn: What’s this?
Marietta: Read it!
Patty Lynn reads the card inside.
Patty Lynn: Congratulations, the entire Landfield family has been invited to serve as co-grand marshals for the New Orleans Christmas Day Parade! Even Tammy!
Marietta: Are you surprised?
Patty Lynn: Oh Marietta, that’s amazing! We still get to spend Christmas together!
Marietta: Of course! It was never that we didn’t want to spend time with you. It was just an amazing opportunity and now we can spend it together!
Tammy: I’m just worried about this “Even Tammy” part. I’m basically a part of this family now.
Marietta: Oh forget about it!
Tammy: No, what is this “Even Tammy” business?
Marietta: It took the most convincing for you.
Tammy: Really? I was the First Lady!
Marietta: I’m just messing with you! I wrote that because I knew it would drive you up a wall!
Tammy: Oh, you idiot. You kind, wonderful idiot.
Patty Lynn: Alright, so about tomorrow…
Marietta: Yes?
Patty Lynn: What songs do you want to sing when we go caroling? I’d like to stick to five.
Marietta: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, Merry Christmas Darling, Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
Patty Lynn: I was gonna have each of us pick a song.
Martin: I’ll forfeit my song to Marietta.
Tammy: I will do the same
Milton: I would like to sing Mele Kalikimaka.
Marietta: We’re not even in Hawaii. Nor are we Hawaiian!
Milton: Ancestry says that Im 2% Hawaiian. So…
Marietta: Fine, swap out Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.
Patty Lynn: Aww, I love that song.
Marietta: Well I really love the other four.
Patty Lynn: Fine, we’ll do six songs. But that’s it!
Marietta: Sounds good.
CHRISTMAS DAY, AFTER THE CHRISTMAS PARADE
Patty Lynn: Oh, that was great fun Marietta.
Marietta: I know, it was great. Now let’s go home!
Patty Lynn: What are you so excited for?
Marietta: I’m gonna get presents! And then we can go sing some of my favorite Christmas songs and I’m so happy because this is the best Christmas ever!!!
Patty Lynn: Man, she’s really nuts about Christmas.
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