Leslie is sitting in her office on the phone with Paul.
Leslie: What do you want, Paul? I know, we have to film the Christmas special. It’s the end of September. I just got home from Rhode Island last week. I’m not too worried about it just yet. I have a month.
Paul: That’s what I’m calling about, actually.
Leslie: This should be good.
Paul: Charlotte called me today and said she was cast in a new movie. It films in Connecticut starting next week and filming runs until Thanksgiving.
Leslie: Charlotte won’t be in the Christmas special?
Paul: Of course she will! Ratings are higher than ever with her.
Leslie: How is she going to do that in Connecticut?
Paul: She won’t be in Connecticut.
Leslie: Huh?
Paul: You’re filming the Christmas episode in December.
Leslie: Excuse me?
Paul: You can do it. You start filming in January for the spring season to premiere in February. You can start filming this a few weeks before it airs. It’s one episode.
Leslie: You’re not the one that has to cut the episode and edit it and do graphics. My team and I have to do that and we’re not used to having such little time.
Paul: You’re right, I’m not. I am, however, asking you for a simple favor just this one time. I’m never going to ask you to cut things so close ever again.
Leslie: Fine. I won’t like it but I’ll agree to it as long as my cast does.
Paul: Why wouldn’t they?
Leslie: Have you met them?
Paul: Yes, they are a strange bunch.
Leslie: Hence why I’m not sure they’ll agree.
Paul: They’re under contract. They have to come whether they like it or not.
Leslie: Yes, but they’ll whine while they do it. Have you ever heard Garry whine? It’s unbearable.
Paul: Garry doing anything is unbearable.
Leslie: He’s a good guy. A little obnoxious and overbearing at times, but a good guy nonetheless.
Paul: Whatever you say.
Two months later…
Diane: Leslie, how was your Thanksgiving?
Leslie: Two weeks ago.
Diane: I saw “how” not “when.”
Leslie: I know. This is just a weird time to ask about it.
Diane: I forgot to ask you when I talked to you.
Leslie: It was nice.
Sam: You know what’s not nice?
Charlotte: Here we go…
Sam: Having to come in to work to film a Christmas episode at the beginning of December when you meant to be in New York on a month-long vacation with your wife.
Diane: You’re flying out there on Monday. It’s only five days until you see her.
Sam: Five days less than I would’ve if the pretty little British princess over here didn’t have to go film Terminator 15: More Termination in goddamn Connecticut, which is just New Jersey for classy people.
Charlotte: It’s a new indie film directed by an Academy Award-nominated director, and it’s a beautiful and touching portrayal of a woman wh-
Sam: I don’t care, Charlotte.
Garry: Someone’s not in the Christmas spirit!
Sam: Shut it, Garry. I will kill.
Diane: She’s just a little upset. Get some coffee in her, a little snack, she’ll be okay.
Sam: Grrr.
Frances: She’s growling now! Does she have rabies?
Sam: No, I don’t have rabies!
Leslie: Can everyone stop arguing for a second?
Frances: I don’t know, can we? Sam?
Sam: Yes. I’ll be quiet.
Leslie: Okay, good. We’re filming one holiday episode and we’re done filming for another month. I think we can all get through this. It’s a two-day shoot. That’s all. Not a lot of work to do. Can we all get through it?
Sam: Can you stop talking to us like children.
Leslie: Only if you stop acting like them.
Garry: Ooh! Burn!
Frances: Garry… dear Garry…
Garry: What?
Frances: Be. Quiet.
Diane: Leslie, who is participating in this year’s Christmas special?
Leslie: Patrick and Peggy.
Diane: Only two?
Leslie (whispering): And Carol.
Diane: What was that?
Frances: If I didn't know better, I’d say she’s trying to hide the third contestant from us.
Charlotte: Is it that psycho who tried to kill us?
Leslie: No, he’s in jail.
Diane: Then who is it that’s so bad, you need to hide them from us?
Leslie: Carol.
Sam: Oh god, no.
Garry: You can’t be serious.
Leslie: Paul said that the network executives love her and wanted to bring her back in some way.
Sam: She’s deranged.
Charlotte: Carol? That sweet stay-at-home mom who lives in Kansas?
Frances: She isn’t sweet. She’s a demon.
Charlotte: What could she possibly have done?
Sam: She’d throw temper tantrums on the set when things didn’t go here way. She put on a complete act for the cameras and acted like a nightmare whenever they weren’t on her. She terrorized staff members, ignored Diane and I, and went crazy whenever she got negative critiques.
Frances: If we weren’t kissing up to her, she'd threaten to walk.
Charlotte: So she doesn’t sound great, but maybe we can deal with her for two days?
Leslie: You’re gonna have to. It won’t be that bad, I can assure you of that. just ignore her antics. Now, let’s get ready to film.
Garry: I have to get into my festive Christmas sweater!
Sam: We know.
Garry: People enjoy them.
Sam: They do not. They enjoy laughing at them.
Garry: I enjoy them.
Frances: I like them, too. They’re festive. I like festive.
Sam: You laugh at them almost as much as me.
Frances: That doesn’t mean I don't like them!
Leslie: Get to your dressing rooms. Now!
Sam: Okay, boss!
Diane: I’m sorry about them.
Leslie: It’s okay. You’re one of the only ones not driving me nuts today.
Sam: You sure?
Leslie: I’m sure you are.
One hour later…
Diane: I’m ready for showtime!
Sam: It’s about damn time!
Diane: I didn’t take that long. I had to glue a poinsettia back onto my blouse, that took time.
Sam: Perhaps you should’ve done that at home? Or brought another shirt?
Diane: Blouse. It’s a blouse.
Leslie: Diane, I love ya but if you don’t get your butt out here and start filming, I’m gonna have to hire DeAnna back.
Frances: Don’t you dare! Diane, get out here, now!
Diane: I’m coming!
Carol: You better, I can’t wait much longer to blow these two away and win this thing.
Charlotte: Wow, she really is -
Frances: Unbearable?
Charlotte: I was going to say “special” but that works too, I guess.
Carol: Come on!
Leslie: You two get to the stage before Frances kills Carol.
Filming begins.
Diane: Hello ho ho and welcome to the Bake Your Heart Out holiday spectacular!
Sam: It’s been a crazy year, but don’t worry: your crazy Bake Your Heart Out family is still here for you.
Diane: We have three holiday-themed challenges for our three jolly contestants. Shall we introduce them now?
Sam: I’d sleigh we should.
Diane: From season five, he made it all the way to the final tree, it’s Patrick!
Sam: We also have season three’s Carol. She came in fourth place, but still managed to find a place in the hearts of our viewers, enough to make their hearts grow three sizes when they see her.
Diane: And Peggy.
Peggy: When are you guys gonna stop doing that joke?
Diane: When it stops being funny.
Sam: Peggy appeared in season two and came in second place. She was the winningest contestant in Bake Your Heart Out history to not win the show. Hopefully she has some holiday cheer!
Diane: Who’s ready for your first challenge?
Carol: I’m ready! I’ve been waiting years for this! Put me in Santa, I’m ready to fly!
Sam: Silence, Rudolph!
Diane: Your Specialty Challenge on this holiday special is simple to understand: you’re going to make a dozen donuts. Sound easy enough? Well, they’re going to be -
Carol: Let me guess. Themed like the Twelve Days of Christmas?
Diane: Can I finish, please?
Carol: Sure.
Diane: They’ll be themed like the Twelve Days of Christmas!
Sam: One donut for each gift your true love sent to you. We want to see partridges in trees, milking maids, leapin’ lords and singin’ swans. Be creative, though! Even though you’re making a dozen donuts, we still want to see some variety here. We want you to make two different kinds of donuts for our judges, just to spice it up.
Diane: They can be any kind of donut, as long as they’re donuts. We don’t discriminate against donuts of any kind.
Sam: Except donut holes, don’t make those.
Diane: Yes, not those. Not enough room to decorate, I’d say.
Sam: You have two hours! Good luck, and may all your bakes be merry and bright!
Two hours late…
Diane: You know them, you… have been judged by them. Please welcome our merry judges! Garry, Charlotte and Frances!
Sam: Try not to look at Garry’s sweater while you’re carrying your bakes. It will blind you.
Garry: Isn’t it festive, though!
Sam: Yes, and so bright! You have to put batteries in your sweater!
Diane: It’s glorious. I feel like it could guide Mary and Joseph to their manger.
Charlotte: Away in a manger, no crib for his bed, the little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head.
Sam: We truly have it all, folks. Baking, sweaters, the star of Bethlehem, carols. All of it, right here on Bake Your Heart Out!
Frances: Shall we try the donuts?
Diane: Yes! Who should go first? Peggy?
Sam: Sounds good to me! Peggy, come on up!
Peggy: Wow, no Hamilton reference. I’m impressed.
Diane: We’re not that repetitive!
Sam: What did you make for us today, Peggy?
Peggy: I made six gingerbread donuts filled with a spiced orange cream representing days one through six, and six eggnog-flavored donuts filled with chocolate mint cream representing days seven through twelve.
Frances: I really admire the dedication to holiday flavors, even though it wasn’t a requirement. The decorating is very nice, but you did mess up two of them and I think you know which two.
Peggy: The pipers and the drummers.
Frances: Yes, the pipers look a bit… winded. They’re bending over. I’m assuming you were rushing to get done.
Peggy: Yes, time was running out.
Charlotte: Either way, very admirable work for the time allotted. Most of these are so detailed and meticulously decorated.
Garry: I guess we should taste them?
The judges taste Peggy’s donuts.
Frances: Oh, my god.
Charlotte: You taste that too, right?
Frances: Heaven?
Charlotte: Yes, heaven.
Peggy: oh, my god. That’s such an honor coming from you guys.
Charlotte: It’s an honor to eat something so delicious.
Garry: You taste every flavor that you said was in here and they compliment each other so well. This is a masterpiece. Patrick and Carol have a lot to compete with.
Diane: Thanks, Peggy. Carol?
Carol brings her donuts to the table.
Diane: Carol, what did you make for us?
Carol: The first flavor, which is days three through eight, is a pumpkin spice donut with buttercream icing. The second is a butter pecan donut with vanilla icing.
Frances: These donuts are standard donuts with holes in the middle, which is acceptable, but not a great choice here.
Charlotte: Yes, it would've better for you to go with more simple decorations if you took this route. You tried to include twelve drummers and ten lord and seven swans and it made it all look a bit amateur.
Carol: Amateur? I’m a very accomplished baker!
Charlotte: You’re not amateur, but it looks sloppy because you tried to do too much. I can barely tell what any of these are.
Carol: The challenge was dumb.
Garry: It’s not the challenge, Carol. Peggy did it beautifully. Probably the most gorgeous donuts I’ve ever seen.
Carol: Her piers were slumped over.
Charlotte: What do you call yours then?
Carol: An attempt to stay true to the song.
Diane: It appears Ebenezer Scrooge has found his way into our kitchen! We’ll be right back!
Leslie: Cut!
Carol: You people can’t be serious! I did my best! Why are you so rude?
Charlotte: We’re not being rude, we’re judging your donuts.
Carol: Don’t be so judgmental!
Garry: Carol, that’s literally our job.
Carol: You don’t need to be mean about it. I will quit this show if you don’t judge my baking fairly!
Charlotte: We’re judging as fairly as we can!
Frances: You can still come back and win as long as you put up a strong performance for the Hanukkah walnut babka Judge’s Challenge! You’re not out yet, don’t give up!
Carol: You’re just going to rig that, too.
Frances: We taste it blind, relax and give us a chance.
Carol: Fine.
Leslie: Okay, let’s get back to filming!
Four hours later, in Sam’s dressing room…
Charlotte: That was a disaster.
Sam: We warned you.
Frances: Oh, did we warn you.
Charlotte: I’ve never seen her act like that on camera before.
Diane: She got worse with age.
Sam: She’s like the opposite of a fine wine. Rough, tangy and getting worse as time goes on!
Charlotte: I sure wish you would’ve found someone else to come back, Leslie. Anyone else.
Leslie: Yeah, so do I.
Diane receives a cal.
Diane: Oh, it’s Melanie!
Charlotte: Pick up, we need some holiday cheer!
Leslie: We need a little Christmas, right this very minute!
Diane answers.
Melanie: Diane! How are you?
Diane: Exhausted. We all are.
Melanie: Are you with the gang?
Diane: Sure am! Say hi!
Melanie: Hi gang!
Garry: Hello Melanie!
Sam: Don’t talk to her.
Charlotte: We’re so glad to hear to you! Rough day of filming.
Melanie: You’re filming? Are you in Rhode Island?
Leslie: No, honey. We’re filming a Christmas episode here in LA.
Melanie: Oh, that’s nice!
Charlotte: Not really.
Melanie: You don’t sound yourself, Charlotte.
Charlotte: I’m losing my holiday cheer, thanks to one nightmare of a contestant.
Melanie: Carol’s on?
Charlotte: How did you know?
Diane: Sam and I complained about her.
Melanie: A lot.
Charlotte: Wow, I guess I’m the only one that didn’t know.
Melanie: All I can say is that you shouldn’t worry about her to much. Ignore the Grinch and have some holiday fun either way. Don’t let her ruin a good time.
Charlotte: I’m certainly going to try.
Diane: So, Melanie. What are you doing for Christmas?
Melanie: Oh, grams and gramps are having some of my aunts and my uncle over for Christmas and me and Johanna are going to decorate with my mom and grams and bake.
Diane: We know a lot about baking!
Frances: Want me to send you a holiday recipe?
Melanie: That would be very nice.
Frances: I’ll get them in the mail tonight.
Garry: Speaking of mail, did you get my card?
Melanie: Yes, I got all of your cards! Except one from Sam.
Diane: She didn’t send any out this year.
Sam: I’ll send them, once I’m in New York. Nicolle has a lot of nice cards to send, I don’t.
Melanie: That’s okay, I know you’re sending me wishes of good cheer and health. Speaking of which, what are you all doing for the holiday?
Diane: I’m gonna have a party this weekend so I can go to Ashley’s for Christmas early.
Sam: You are?
Diane: Yes! I invited you last week but you said you’d be in New York so I didn’t pester you. Now you have to come.
Sam: I’ll come, but I won’t be overly cheery like this group of fools.
Diane: That’s fine.
Melanie: Did I just help you create some holiday memories?
Diane: Yes! Thank you, Melanie!
Melanie: No problem! I’ll talk to you guys later. I need to get back to work!
Diane: Oh my, I forgot you were at work! Talk soon!
The next day, as filming begins…
Diane: It’s our final challenge of this magical holiday special, and it’s one of the most ambitious we’ve ever done!
Sam: Our contestants will be making three-layered cakes, with each layer inspired by a different holiday song.
Diane: What’s your favorite holiday song, Sam?
Sam: I don’t know. Probably Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton.
Diane: That’s not a Christmas song.
Sam: Did someone make you the Queen of Christmas?
Diane: No.
Sam: Then you can’t tell me if it is or isn’t a Christmas song!
Diane: I guess you’re right. Now, back the the show! Contestants, each layer of your cake must also be a different flavor than the others, and you have six hours for this grand holiday challenge!
Six hours later…
Diane: Our final baker to bring up your cake is Carol!
Sam: Carol, what carols did you base your cake on?
Carol: The first layer is inspired by Frank Sinatra’s Mistletoe and Holly and is a chocolate mint cake. The second is inspired by Wham!’s Last Christmas and is a lemon cake with strawberry jelly filling. The third is based on Parade of the Wooden Soldiers and is a black forest cake.
Charlotte: Your decorating is so much better this time around! Each layer is distinct and nothing looks rushed. I’m supposed to judge, but I can’t pick apart the appearance of this in any way. Terrific job.
Garry: It’s very clean and sharp. Each layer is such a drastic change from the other and that’s what we were going for. I can see a connection to the songs based on the decoration here. There’s wooden soldiers on the top layer, the second has the red and green hearts and a little gingerbread couple, and the third is decorated with literal mistletoe and holly with some of the lyrics on it. It’s very classy and so Christmassy. Great job!
Carol: Thank you! That’s all I ever want to hear!
Frances: Now, let’s taste it!
Carol: You’re gonna love it!
The judges taste the cake…
Charlotte: These flavors work so well together. I’m very proud of you for listening to us and actually improving based on our comments. Great job!
Carol: I feel so much better today than yesterday.
Thirty minutes later…
Diane: Bakers, the judges have delivered their verdict.
Sam: Peggy, your donuts were beautiful and tasted incredible, but your babka was a bit under-baked. The judges very much enjoyed your tiered cake, inspired by Christmas (Baby Please Come Home), Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer and The First Noel, and praised both your diversity in flavors and in musical choices.
Diane: Patrick, your donuts were simple but elegant, with little fault to be found in the designs you did. You took a different approach to decorating them, turning the entire donuts into the various creatures from the iconic 12 Days of Christmas, and it paid off. Your babka was the best of the bunch, and the judges thought it was very fit for a Hanukkah celebration. Your three-tiered cake, depicting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman and You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch featured a unified message, with all of the cakes portraying characters from iconic Christmas specials, but the colors from each tied bell into the others and so did the flavors, a sign that you were in a rush.
Sam: Carol, your donuts looked sloppy and didn’t taste good enough to erase that messiness. Your babka, however, was clean and beautiful, and was almost as good as Patrick’s. You managed to completely redeem yourself if the end with a strong, inspired cake design and vivid flavors that tasted just like they should.
Diane: This was so close! The judges took over an hour to deliberate. However, the winner of the fifty thousand dollar grand prize is…
Sam: Work! It’s Peggy!
Diane: Peggy, your designs truly put us all in the holiday spirit, and your flavors ensured that it was certainly no blue Christmas. Congratulations on your victory.
Peggy: Thank you very much. This is an honor.
Carol: Surely this is a mistake! You loved my cakes! You loved my babka! I redeemed myself!
Leslie: Cut!
Charlotte: You know, Carol, maybe if you didn’t have such an unhappy, ungrateful attitude that reminded us all of an Ebenezer Scrooge that never learned his lesson, you could have won. However, your poor sportsmanship ensured that in a contest so close, it would cost your the win. Now, have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. You can go now.
Frances: Well said, Charlotte!
Carol: I will go, but I’m never coming back to this show.
Garry: We wouldn’t want someone back who would be such a sore loser.
Leslie: That’s great, guys, but we do need to film the end of the show so if Carol could stick around for that, that would be great.
Charlotte: Oh, yes. Of course.
Diane: So, about my holiday party on Saturday… has everyone bought their presents? I have fun outfits for us all. Santa hats and Christmas pajamas and all that. It’s in the car, I’ll get it to all of you.
Leslie: Diane, we’re filming it now!
Diane: Oh, sorry. I’m just so excited for Christmas!
What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll of the week and make sure to read the midseason premiere of Our House on Thursday, January 7 at 9 PM! Bake Your Heart Out returns in summer 2021!