Marietta Season 3 Episode 9 - Christmas with the Crank (Midseason Finale)

Marietta Season 3 Episode 9
Christmas with the Crank

Marietta is on the phone with Patty Lynn…

Marietta: Mom, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. How are you not done shopping yet?

Patty Lynn: I just don’t know what to get for your father.

Marietta: You’re the Queen of Christmas! I can’t believe you can’t figure out what to gifts get!

Patty Lynn: I’ve been so preoccupied with the anniversary party and decorating for Christmas and baking and sending cards and all that jazz that I completely forgot to buy gifts for the longest time. I got presents for you and your brother and your cousin and all of our friends, and I got your aunt some coal, but I couldn’t figure out what to get your dad and I still can’t.

Marietta: What does he like? I usually just send him gift cards.

Patty Lynn: Not that, that’s for sure.

Marietta: Has he complained?

Patty Lynn: No, but no one likes a gift card for Christmas.

Marietta: I do.

Patty Lynn: No one but you.

Marietta: You’ve been married for sixty years. How do you know know what he likes as a Christmas gift?

Patty Lynn: He usually gives me a list.

Marietta: Why didn’t he this year?

Patty Lynn: I forgot to ask him for one.

Marietta: Maybe ask him for one now?

Patty Lynn: I can’t admit that the Queen of Christmas isn’t so perfect at Christmas after all.

Marietta: So your ego is too big to make any attempt whatsoever to get dad what he wants. Why‘d you even admit it to me?

Patty Lynn: You already know I’m a walking disaster.  Might as well get some advice from you if I can.

Marietta: Here is my advice: ask dad for a list of what he wants. Then buy things from that list. He knows you aren’t perfect, don’t be afraid to admit it. Now, I’ll see you tomorrow and probably will talk to you before then. I’m getting a call from Tammy.

Marietta hangs up and answer Tammy’s call.

Tammy: Oh, Marietta.

Marietta: That good, huh?

Tammy: I miss work.

Marietta: This is day one of your five-day holiday break.

Tammy: I miss it!

Marietta: What’s wrong?

Tammy: Mitch. He’s so cranky around the holidays.

Marietta: Who the heck is cranky on Christmas? How can you hate the fun and happiness of it?

Tammy: He doesn’t hate it. He just finds it overdone. When he was in the White House, we had to do huge Christmas celebrations and public tree lightings like we’re in Rockefeller Plaza. It gets tiring after a while when you’re not crazy about Christmas like me. Still, I usually don’t decorate much because I want to keep the peace around here. This year, you just have so many beautiful decorations in your basement that were calling out to me and I put them out. Mitch said it was overdone and I called him Ebenezer Scrooge and he did not appreciate that so we argued.

Marietta: Wow. That was… a lot.

Tammy: He’s a lot.

Marietta: I have annoying people in my family, too. I get it.

Tammy: What did Patty Lynn do now?

Marietta: Nothing, really. She’s worried about getting presents for my dad and she’s afraid he’ll find out that she makes some mistakes at Christmas time. It’s irrational but I’ve come to expect it from her.

Tammy: Tell her to get him some gift cards.

Marietta: That’s what I told her! She won’t do it, though.

Tammy: I guess it’s too easy for her.

Marietta: Christmas is in two days and she doesn’t have anything for him. I don’t know what she’s going to do, but it’s sure to be hilarious to witness.

Tammy: Speaking of which, what are we going on Christmas? Are we coming over?

Marietta: You better. I need you to stay sane. She’s gonna be unbearable if it’s just the family there.

Tammy: I was always planning on coming, just wanted to make sure. I’ll bring Ebenezer with. Should be fun.

Marietta: Remember, bring an overnight bag on Christmas Eve. We have to stay overnight so we can be there for the presents on Christmas morning. All according to my mother’s Christmas schedule.

Tammy: She’s still doing that?

Marietta: She is, because she is crazy.

Tammy: So, what time tomorrow?

Marietta: Four. Remember, bedtime at eight.

Tammy: It’s eight now?

Marietta: She’s loosening her grip.

The next day…

Tammy: Mitch, it is two in the afternoon and you’re sitting here watching Elf when we’e supposed to be at Patty Lynn and Martin’s in two hours.

Mitch: I like staying at home for Christmas Eve, you know that.

Tammy: Too bad.

Mitch: Why do I need to go with for Christmas Eve? I’d rather watch movies and drink eggnog. You know I love a calm, reserved Christmas season.

Tammy: This is calm, too. All is calm, all is bright.

Mitch: It’s calm at Patty Lynn’s? You sure?

Tammy: This is my third Christmas here. It’s always been fun and relaxing.

Mitch: Okay, then I’ll go get ready.

Tammy: We’re staying overnight, I already packed a bag for you.

Mitch: We’re staying overnight? We can’t come home and go back tomorrow?

Tammy: Patty Lynn likes it that way.

Mitch: All right, sure. Let’s go.

Two hours later…

Mitch: Tammy, you said it was calm here?

Tammy: I also said it was bright. I was 50% truthful!

Mitch: I’ve never seen so many Christmas decorations in one single yard before. This makes the White House look like a Jewish temple.

Tammy: I knew you wouldn’t come here if I told you how crazy she was about Christmas. It’s fun, though, I promise!

Mitch: If I get sick of all the yuletide and Christmas festivities, I will go in my room and watch some movies on my iPad. Understand?

Tammy: Yes, I understand. Don’t do that to me, though. It’ll just look embarrassing. She’s making us go to bed at eight anyway.

Mitch: She’s making us do what?

Tammy: You heard me, Mitch.

Mitch: I was the President of the United States. No one tells me when to go to bed.

Tammy: Patty Lynn Landfield is not someone to argue with.

Mitch: I’m not afraid of her. She loves me, she’ll let me do what I want.

Tammy: Okay…

Tammy and Mitch knock at the door. Marietta answers.

Tammy: Oh, look who’s here already!

Marietta (singing): Marietta!

Eliza (singing): Eliza!

Patty Lynn: And Patty!

Marietta, Eliza and Patty Lynn (together): The Landfield Ladies!

Tammy: Wow, nothing screams “Merry Christmas” like Hamilton.

Eliza: We watched it before you got here.

Marietta: They made me take part in this because my name sounded most like “Angelica.”

Mitch: What in the heck is going on in here?

Marietta: Our singing isn’t that bad!

Mitch: Not that. This house looks like Christmas threw up on it.

Tammy: That’s what I said!

Milton: Mom loves Christmas. A lot.

Patty Lynn: I love it like no other day. Hope you don't mind.

Mitch: I don’t love it, but it’s your house and you can do what you want.

Amy: This is my first Landfield Christmas. It’s not what I expected.

Patty Lynn: Is it as magical as you anticipated?

Amy: It certainly is a Winter Wonderland.

Martin: I get everything ready to put out starting in September and Patty Lynn and I start decorating the day after Halloween.

Kathleen: It’s far scarier than any horror movie.

Patty Lynn: Ignore the Grinch over there.

Kathleen: I’m not a Grinch. I’m just not used to seeing Christmas decorations unpacked in the basement in September.

Martin: Do you see how much stuff we have here? We have to start early!

Marietta: Anyway, what’s for dinner? We do have to go to bed in four hours, might as well get to eating soon.

Martin: I made a turkey!

Milton: Happy Thanksgiving!

Ellie: Did someone say Thanksgiving? It’s a Massachusetts tradition!

Tammy: Do you guys just walk right in here nowadays?

Kate: Yes, we’re family. That’s what Patty Lynn told us.

Marietta: Speaking of family… how much do you two hate your families? You celebrate every holiday here lately.

Kate: I was told that Patty Lynn had the most beautiful Christmas display in the country. I had to check it out.

Ellie: I, meanwhile, come because there’s no way it’s worse than seeing my actual family.

Kate: No one asks why Amy’s here!

Amy: I live in New Orleans! You’re from South Carolina!

Kate: North Carolina! Don’t you ever confuse the two again, I’m warning you.

Ellie: What, will you give her one less Christmas present?

Kate: Maybe.

Ellie: You should’ve seen us getting on the plane. I’ve never seen someone fly with so many Christmas presents in my life.

Kate: I love giving.

Ellie: Too much. It cost us so much money to get this stuff here.

Patty Lynn: Well, go to your rooms and get into something comfortable. You had a long day of traveling.

Kate: Thank you, Patty Lynn.

Patty Lynn: It’s so beautiful to see my whole family under one roof for the holidays.

Milton: Half of the people here aren’t even your family.

Patty Lynn: I believe that you can choose a family, and they are all my family.

Martin: That’s beautiful.

Milton: Also untrue.

Patty Lynn: Don’t be a Scrooge.

Tammy: Yeah, that’s Mitch’s job!

30 minutes later, during dinner…

Patty Lynn: You know, I could’ve been a Rockette.

Marietta: In what world?

Patty Lynn: This one! I was a great dancer!

Marietta: Just because you listened to Parade of the Wooden Soldiers a few times doesn’t mean you wouldn’t fall on your ass dancing on that stage.

Martin: She actually was a great dancer, she just gave it all up for you kids. Don’t laugh.

Marietta: Somehow I doubt it.

Patty Lynn: Isn’t this Christmas meal delicious?

Tammy: It is. Say, Mitch?

Mitch: I can’t believe you even have Christmas cups and silverware.

Patty Lynn: We go all out.

Tammy: I think this Rudolph cup is adorable.

Patty Lynn: Thank you, it’s one of my favorites.

Kathleen: I just want to say that I don’t know how we found room in this house for all of these people, but it’s kind of incredible.

Kyle: Maria and Katharine and I are sleeping in the basement on a cot.

Maria: A medical cot with a bed sheet on it, to be precise.

Kate: That’s the joy of the holiday season.

Henrietta: I’m sleeping in the pantry, where Aunt Patty Lynn laid out a few blankets on the ground for us.

Kate: The joy!

Patty Lynn: If baby Jesus could sleep in a manger of straw outside in in Bethlehem, then you all can make do for one night.

Ellie: Or one week, if you’re Kate and I.

Eliza: You guys got an actual bedroom, at least. Elena and I are sleeping in the crafting room.

Kathleen: So what I’m hearing now is that you’re actually just torturing everyone we love.

Kate: The joy of the season!

Ellie: Kate, stop!

Mitch: I think I’m heading to my room, guys. The dancing Santa on the counter is freaking me out.

Martin: It’s only five o’clock, don’t you want to at least wait until dinner?

Mitch: I’ll pass.

Mitch walks up the stairs to his and Tammy’s bedroom.

Tammy: I better go talk to him. 

Tammy enters the bedroom.

Tammy: Mitch, what is the matter with you?

Mitch: I feel like a Grinch around all of them. They all love Christmas so much and play games and talk so much about it and I don't really care to talk about it so much. I don’t want to be such a downer around them but I don’t want to act like someone I’m not so I’ll just stay up here until the morning. I like the part with gifts, at least.

Tammy: You need to get over this. I know Christmas hasn’t been the same for you since your mom died, but it’s a joyful time. It’s been twelve years. She’d want you to be happy on Christmas. Watching Chevy Chase’s Christmas tree burn down is great, but you can celebrate Christmas more than just buying presents and watching movies.

Mitch: I know. It’s just hard. I want you to be happy, though. Go down with your friends and play games and do what you do every Christmas with them. Have your New Orleans Christmas. I don’t want to get in the way.

Tammy: I will, Mitch. However, if you want to come down, even for a little, before bedtime, please do. I want you to have a nice Christmas.

Mitch: I’ll keep it in mind.

The next morning…

Patty Lynn: It’s Christmas! Everyone get your butts out of bed and to the living room!

Kathleen: It’s ten after five!

Patty Lynn: Yeah, we’re late! Get up!

Kathleen: I’m coming, I’m coming!

Henrietta: Y’all scared me so much that I slipped on the planet on the floor and hit my head. I’m not missing out on presents, though.

Eliza: Sweetie, your head is bleeding.

Henrietta: It is?

Kate: The joy of Christmas!

Ellie: I think she’s on shrooms or something. She keeps saying the same line over and over.

Milton: Maybe she has a concussion, like Henrietta most certainly will get.

Henrietta: I feel so sleepy. I’m just gonna lay down right here.

Milton: Eliza, I think your daughter just collapsed.

Eliza: Oh, my god. Elena! Help!

Elena: She’s just tired!

Eliza: She’s probably bleeding internally!

Henrietta: Mom, I'm fine. I just have a scrape on my head. That’s all.

Elena: See, she's fine.

Patty Lynn: I guess it’s time for Christmas, then!

Amy: Don and I couldn’t sleep, we were too excited.

Don: You were too excited and you kept waking me up.

Amy: That’s what I said.

Kathleen: That’s not really what you said, but it’s Christmas so I’m not going to argue with you.


The group walks downstairs to the living room.

Tammy: Good morning everybody!

Patty Lynn: My goodness, Tammy! What are you doing up before us?

Mitch: I made her get up. I wanted to make sure you all had a perfect Christmas. I made you all coffee and hot cocoa and got some cookies out and I already plugged in the tree and put on Christmas music.

Tammy: I showed him where the coffee was.

Patty Lynn: Are… are you Mitch?

Martin: This is a lovely Christmas surprise.

Milton: How did you get up so early?

Mitch: I did go to bed at like seven.

Tammy: I didn’t.

Mitch: I woke up at 4:30, finished right before five, and I’ve been waiting for you to all come down here for about twenty minutes. We’ve been dancing around the Christmas tree and celebrating.

Milton: What happened to the string of candy canes that were handing from the door?

Tammy: Mitch ate one. Then the whole thing fell down and he couldn’t get it back up. So he ate more candy canes.

Martin: That’s okay. It’s Christmas, no need to worry about some decorations falling down.

Ellie: I’ve never seen Mitch in such a good mood at the holidays. Tammy would have holiday parties every year in DC and Mitch never looked very happy.

Mitch: Something put me into the holiday spirit again this year after a very long time.

Kathleen: Speaking of holiday spirit, let’s get to unwrapping the presents!

Patty Lynn: Not quite. Where is my daughter?

Milton: She certainly couldn’t be asleep, that’s for sure.

Martin: I’ll go wake her up.

Marietta: No need to, I’m here!

Milton: Look who joined up just in time for the Griswold Family Christmas!

Marietta: I’m opening the presents first!

Martin: We should let our newer guests open first. Wouldn’t you say?

Amy: I would agree.

Kathleen: It depends. Am I a “newer guest” or not?

Martin: You are not.

Kathleen: Then I disagree.

Amy: By the way, Marietta, I posted your Christmas greeting to New Orleans on social media. I added a backing track with my favorite Christmas song so it really said “yuletide.” 

Marietta: What song is that?

Amy: Christmas in Hollis.

Marietta: Oh, Amy.

Amy: I’m just kidding, it’s Mistletoe & Holly.

Marietta: Thank god.

Patty Lynn: Now, let’s get to presents!

Ellie: I need to get ours down from upstairs, I’ll be right back.

Marietta: Why didn’t you do that earlier?

Ellie: I was too busy looking at all the decorations in the house.

Patty Lynn: Martin, go help Ellie bring their gifts down.

Martin: Will do.

Martin and Ellie walk off.

Marietta: Mom, did you finally settle on a gift for dad?

Patty Lynn: Yes.

Marietta: Was it the copy of Hamilton we watched?

Eliza: That was on Disney+, Marietta.

Marietta: Forgive me.

Tammy: What did you get him, Patty Lynn?

Patty Lynn: I got him a Flowbee. George Clooney uses one.

Milton: You... you did what?

Tammy: It could be a good gift if he wanted one!

Kathleen: No one wants one.

Tammy: I got one for Mitch one Christmas. You loved it, right?

Mitch: Uh-huh.

Tammy: You never used it, did you?

Mitch: I did not.

Patty Lynn: Martin will use his. If he doesn't like it, then hopefully he enjoys the other gift I got him.

Milton: What's that?

Patty Lynn: I don't want to say.

Kathleen: It can't be worse than a Flowbee!

Tammy: It could be!

Patty Lynn: It's gift cards.

Marietta: Ha!

Five minutes later…

Martin: My god, my back is killing me. What do you two have in these boxes?

Kate: You’re gonna have to open them to find out!

Patty Lynn: Let’s get to presents!

Eliza: Henrietta, wake up!

Henrietta: What? I’m still alive!

Eliza: We know, dear. It’s time for presents.

Henrietta: Oh, okay. Where’s mine?

Marietta: What happened to Henrietta? She sounds drunk.

Kathleen: Blunt force trauma.

Marietta: Should we… do something about that?

Milton: Why do that when we could open gifts instead?

Patty Lynn: I’m going to let Mitch start.

Mitch: Me? I’m honored.

Marietta: Someone better start so I can open mine!

Tammy: Then you better get to work, Mr. Grinch! We have enough people here to make up a small football team, you need to hurry.

Kate: Oh, the joy of the Christmas season!

What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return in January for the midseason premiere! In the meantime, catch the Raymond Island holiday special next Monday at 8 Eastern!

Who was your favorite character in Marietta Season 3 Episode 9 "Christmas with the Crank?"
Patty Lynn

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