Bryan & The Baby: A Bullpen Special

 

BRYAN, former bullpen pitcher for the Indianapolis Primitives, is sitting at home with his wife, KRISTINA and CAROLINE, his newborn daughter. 

KRISTINA
Aren’t you forgetting to do something, Bryan?

BRYAN looks around the room.

BRYAN
Uh...I don’t think so, why?

KRISTINA 
How about getting Caroline her bottle?

BRYAN
You want to do that?

KRISTINA
I’m holding her, how would I be able to do that?

BRYAN
Put her down. She’ll be fine. 

KRISTINA 
Not gonna happen. Here you go. 

KRISTINA calmly hands CAROLINE to BRYAN. CAROLINE wakes up and starts crying. 

BRYAN
Stop crying!

KRISTINA
That’s not gonna work, you have to get her pacifier. 

BRYAN
Her what?

KRISTINA sighs. 

KRISTINA
Her binky. 

BRYAN
Oh! You should’ve said so! That’s somewhere...

BRYAN carefully plays CAROLINE on the floor and looks for the pacifier. 

KRISTINA
It’s not in the refrigerator. Stop checking there every time you lose something. 

BRYAN
I didn’t lose it!

KRISTINA
I haven’t touched it in days. You said you had it yesterday. 

BRYAN
Did I? I don’t remember. 

KRISTINA
Either way, Caroline is on the floor crying right now because Dad doesn’t know how to hold her or care for her. 

BRYAN
I’m better at watching more so than actually doing. 

KRISTINA
Yeah. I can tell. 

BRYAN
I can do better. 

KRISTINA
I would hope so. Now go find her pacifier. 

BRYAN
Binky. 

BRYAN walks away and eventually finds the binky. He walks back to where KRISTINA and CAROLINE were, and finds the room empty. 

BRYAN
KRISTINA!!!!!!!

BRYAN hears CAROLINE cry. KRISTINA comes running down the stairs. 

KRISTINA
Bryan! I had just calmed her down and was putting her in her crone. You made her cry again. 

BRYAN
Apparently everything I do makes her cry. 

KRISTINA
Seems like it. I’m sure once she gets to know you better she won’t cry as much. 

BRYAN
I’m here all the time. I’m a stay-at-home dad. You’re the one who isn’t around as much. 

KRISTINA 
Maybe you need to get to know her better then. 

BRYAN
What’s there to know? All you do is feed her the formula and watch her sleep. 

KRISTINA
And change her diaper. 

BRYAN
Huh?

KRISTINA
Don’t even tell me you don’t change her diaper. 

BRYAN 
I won’t say anything then. 

KRISTINA
Is that why she cries so much?!

BRYAN
I’ll have to keep that in mind. Stinky babies cry. 

KRISTINA
I thought everyone knew that. 

BRYAN
Not this great father. 

KRISTINA
Alright, given it’s 3 am right now, I’m going to bed. Think you can change Caroline’s diaper tomorrow?

BRYAN
Maybe. 

KRISTINA
That’s progress, at least. Goodnight. 

BRYAN
Don’t you mean good morning? It’s 3 am. 

KRISTINA
Sure. 

KRISTINA walks upstairs. BRYAN writes down a reminder for himself to change diapers and follows her. 

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