Our House Season 1, Episode 4 - Our News Report (Writer’s Pick)

                                                     Our House Season 1, Episode 4
                                                                Our News Report

Teri and Betty are walking around the local carnival together
Betty: Teri, why do you always insist on coming to this carnival? It’s always the same every year. I’d rather be home watching Riverdale!
Teri: What’s with you and Riverdale lately?
Betty: I was up until 11:30 last night watching it online with Tammi! Now I’m hooked and I can’t wait to watch more!
Teri: It’s not even that good. You should just stand back and enjoy the carnival. It’s only once a year, after all. Look, there’s some baby pigs!
Betty: Ooh, I love baby animals!
Teri: You go over there and pet some pigs. I’m gonna go get some vinegar fries.
Betty: I want vinegar fries too!
Teri: I’ll get you an order. But not a big one, Cindy made a casserole for dinner so I don’t want to spoil it.
Betty walks over to the pig pen, and spots a suspicious man dressed in all black by the nearby stall, Hal’s Antiques.
Suspicious Man: This is a robbery! Put all of your and and your valuable antiques in the bag.
Hal: Take it all, just please don’t hurt me!
Suspicious Man: Sit on the ground and close tour eyes.
Hal: Will do!
Suspicious Man: That’ll be all! Stay on the ground and keep those eyes closed!
The man runs off with a sack full of money and valuables from Hal’s Antiques.
Betty: Oh my goodness! There’s been a robbery! And I’m the only one who saw it!
Teri hears Betty’s screaming and runs to her.
Teri: Mom, are you okay?
Betty: Yes, Teri. But someone needs to call the police.
Hal: I already did, they’re on the way.
One hour later…
Officer: Thank you for your time, Mrs. Bellwood. Your help is greatly appreciated
Betty: You’re very welcome. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of much help. I was just in such a state that I couldn’t remember very much.
Officer: That’s very common for people who have experienced a traumatic event. Your situation isn’t special, and you don’t need to feel bad about it at all. Luckily we have found a few other eyewitnesses that say they saw a suspicious man, so we’ll go talk to them. We’ll let you know if   we find out anything.
Betty: Thank you very much!
Andrea Campbell of the Lakey Action News stops Betty for an interview.
Andrea: Excuse me, ma’am. I believe you witnessed the robbery. Can you tell us a bit about yourself and what you witnessed?
Betty: Betty Bellwood is my name, and I witnessed everything!
Andrea: How did you feel when you witnessed the robbery, Mrs. Bellwood?
Betty: It was scary. But also thrilling! I asked Suzy what to do if I saw a robbery, but she didn’t answer.
Andrea: Who is Suzy?
Betty: My phone.
Andrea: Oh, you mean Siri?
Betty: I’ve been told that that’s the real name, but I like Suzy better.
Andrea: Okay. Moving on, what in particular did you see?
Betty: I saw a man. And he had a strange face. Can’t put my finger on it, but something about his face was weird. And do you watch Riverdale?
Andrea: No… Why?
Betty: Because the thief looked like one of the guys on the show. I don’t remember the real name of guy he looked like, because I call them all by nicknames, but my nickname for the guy he looked like is Scarface.
Andrea: Because he has a scar?
Betty: No, because he does a lot of drugs. Keep up!
Andrea: So there you have it folks, the Henrico County Carnival Bandit is a man, who has a face and he resembles a drug addict from Riverdale.
Betty: Oh, and he had a t-shirt on!
Andrea: Do you remember what the shirt said?
Betty: Something stupid.
Andrea: Can you elaborate?
Betty: Nope, all I remember is that whatever was on his shirt bugged me.
Andrea: Do you remember anything else about the bandit?
Betty: He seemed Jewish.
Andrea: How so?
Betty: I’m a quarter Jewish myself. I can spot one of my own people when I see them.
Andrea: So he’s also potentially Jewish. Anything else about him that you remember?
Betty: Of course! He was- Actually, I can’t think of anything else.
Andrea: Well, this has certainly been an interesting interview. Thank you very much for your time, Mrs. Davis. I’m Andrea Corwell, reporting live from the Henrico County Carnival. Back to you and Karen in the studio, Nate.
Betty: Actually, my last name isn’t Davis. It’s Bellwood. Could you clarify that?
Andrea: No can do, the show is already on to a different story.
Betty: Aww man! Now everyone’s gonna think my name is Betty Davis!
Teri: As long as you don’t run into Joan Crawford, you should be good!
Betty: Very funny Teri. Andrea, how did I do?
Andrea: I’ve never seen a bigger trainwreck.
Betty: I’ll just have to disagree. I thought I was pretty great.
Andrea: Alright, well I’m gonna head out. There’s a story on pandas at the zoo that I need to cover for the 6 o’clock show. Here’s your voucher for a free pizza at Mandello’s on Main.
Betty: Thank you! I love pizza!
Teri: So mom, you’ve had an eventful day! Are you ready to go home now?
Betty: No! I want my free pizza now!
Teri: Mandello’s on Main isn’t that far out of the way. I guess we could stop there. Cindy’s casserole be damned!
Betty: Yay!
Thirty minutes later, at Mandello’s on Main…
Waiter: Hi, my name is Gene and I’ll be your server tonight. What can I get for you tonight?
Teri: Hello, we’ll take one medium pizza. We have a voucher for a free one. And we’ll also take two waters.
Gene: Hey, isn’t that Betty Davis from the news?
Betty: It’s actually Betty Bellwood. And I take it you were watching the report on the news?
Gene: Who wasn’t? You’re famous by now! You’re one of the funniest people I’ve ever seen on the news!
Betty: I’m not funny! I was being totally serious!
Gene: Well I hate to tell you lady, but that interview was funny. It’s like something you’d see on Saturday Night Lights.
Teri: It’s Saturday Night Live.
Betty: Excuse her, she has a habit of correcting people.
Gene: Hey guys, look who we got here!
Male Diner: Betty!
Female Diner: You were hilarious!
Betty: Oh my gosh Teri, I'm famous! But only for being a complete fool! That woman over there is Ellen Clughorn, the town gossip. All of the women in town are going to know me as afool now!
Teri: Umm Gene, we’re going to take that pizza to go.
Gene: Will do. It’ll be out in about fifteen minutes.
Betty: I can’t do this for that long! I’m gonna wait in the car.
Teri: You go ahead, mom. Here’s the keys.
Teri and Betty arrive home a half hour later. Karl greets them in the driveway.
Karl: Teri, what did your mother do?
Betty: I don’t want to talk about it!
Betty runs off to her room with her pizza in hand, and locks the door behind her.
Teri: Mom, I’m gonna let you be alone for awhile. I’ll be back to check on you then.
Betty: Thank you dear.
Teri walks downstairs to the dining room to talk with the rest of the family.
Teri: So, did you all see Mom’s interview?
Jerry: Who hasn’t? My buddies from the office called me to ask about it. I told them what I wish the truth was: it was not my mother-in-law, she just looks like her.
Cindy: Jerry! That’s mean! What if she hears you?
Jerry: She’s a big girl she can handle it.
Teri: She’s all over Facebook, too. This is awful.
Mitchell: I don’t know, it could be useful. She’s like a celebrity now, maybe she can get some free stuff!
Velma: Is that all you think about?
Mitchell: We’ve been married for thirty years. You KNOW that’s all I think about. I love a deal.
Tammi: I'm somewhat of a social media influencer. Maybe I can help Grandma out.
Teri: No! She’s already known as the crazy old lady on the news who loves Riverdale. Now she’ll be the crazy old lady on the news who loves Riverdale whose granddaughter wrote a sappy, over-dramatic Facebook post about her in an attempt to make her look less insane.
Tammi: You think my Facebook posts are sappy and over-dramatic?
Teri: Absolutely. But that’s not the point! We need to do something to cheer mom up. Does anyone have any idea that doesn’t completely suck?
Ralph: I got  tickets to a Cher concert in Richmond if she wants one. I got three and was gonna ask a few friends. I can spare the one for mom. It isn’t until April, but it still might be able to cheer her up now.
Teri: That might be good. And Richmond is a twenty minute drive so she might not be known there! We’ll keep that as an option.
Tammi: I can go up to her room with my computer and watch Riverdale with her.
Teri: That would make nobody feel better. It might actually make her nauseous on top of her depression.
Velma: I have an idea. I was a little hesitant to bring it up because I haven’t seen him in years, but I have an old friend that used to work with me at my insurance company that's now a producer at the Lakey Action News. We still talk every month or so, maybe he can set up an interview.
Teri: That would be great! Well, if mom would agree to rehearsing. We can't have her do give another disastrous interview.
Velma: I’ll go call him up.
Velma grabs her cell phone and calls her friend.
Velma: Hey Mark! How are you?
Mark: Velma! I’m good. I have a feeling that I know why you’re calling?
Velma: You do?
Mark: I saw your aunt’s interview, Velma. The entire city has.
Velma: Yeah, that’s why I’m calling.
Mark: There’s not much we can do about it. We’ll leave it off of tonight’s repeat, but I don’t know if that will make it better.
Velma: I was actually wondering if we could get a follow-up interview for her. She is a big celebrity now, after all.
Mark: Well, we have an interview on tomorrow’s show with Alicia Spanheim, the US House candidate, but other than that it’s a pretty open show. We can give her five minutes.
Velma: Thank you so much! You’re a lifesaver!
Mark: I have one condition though.
Velma: What is it?
Mark: You have to come with her! I miss you and it would be so nice to see each other!
Velma: Sounds like a plan!
Mark: See you tomorrow, then. Bye!
Velma: Bye Mark!
Velma hangs the phone up.
Velma: Betty has a five minute interview scheduled for tomorrow!
Teri: That’s great!
Velma: You better go talk to Betty right now and tell her.
Teri: I will.
Karl: Do you want some help, Teri? I know she’s in a mood right now.
Teri: No, I can do this myself.
Karl: Okay. Just please get her out of her funk, because I would like to be able to sleep in my bed tonight and I can’t if she locks herself up there.
Teri: Will do, dad.
Teri walks up the stairs and knocks on Betty’s door.
Betty: Who is it?
Teri: It’s Teri. Let me in please, I have big news!
Betty: What is it?
Teri: Let me in and I’ll tell you.
Betty opens the door.
Betty: So what’s your news?
Teri: Velma was able to get you an interview on the Lake Action News for tomorrow!
Betty: Why would I do that? I’ll make a fool out of myself again.
Teri: Mom, you’re not acting yourself. You're a fun and happy person and this sucked the life out of you. So let’s make it better. Cindy and I will help you rehearse. But you have to come downstairs.
Betty: Alright. If it can help me feel better.
Teri: Ooh, and I forgot to mention that Ralph got you a ticket to see Cher!
Betty: Cher?!?! I love her! DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?
Teri: Mom, I know who Cher is. Please don’t sing her songs.
Betty: Fine.
Teri and Betty walk downstairs to rehearse the interview with Cindy.
Cindy: Okay mom, I enjoy being confrontational just for the sake of being confrontational, so I’ll be the interviewer. Teri will hold up the cue cards for you. Just read them so you can get an idea of what to say in your interview.
Betty: This sounds complicated.
Cindy: It’s really not. First question. Would you like to clarify your description of the so-called Henrico County Carnival Bandit?
Betty: I was in a state of shock during the robbery. Unfortunately, that made it very difficult for me to remember any details in ym interview with Andrew.
Teri: Andrea!
Betty: Andrea.
Cindy: You gave some peculiar answers in your interview, can you tell us why?
Betty: I have a very particular set of skills -
Teri: That’s not on the card mom, you’re just quoting Taken now.
Betty: Oh, sorry. I have a very peculiar sense of humor. I like to make jokes and say funny things in awkward situations.
Cindy: And you had one final thing you wanted to clarify for us, what is that?
Betty: My name is Baby Jane, not Betty Davis.
Teri: No! You’re reading it wrong.
Betty: My name is Betty Bellwood, not Baby Jane.
Teri: That’s still wrong, mom!
Betty: My name is Betty Bellwood, not Betty Davis. I’m not Baby Jane or Margo Channing.
Cindy: Good job! Now we just need to rehearse five or six more times and add in a few questions!
Betty: Oh boy, that was hard enough for me. I think I’m gonna go watch some TV with Tammi.
Cindy: You need to pr-
Teri: Just let her go. She can make her own decisions, and she’s been talking about wanting to watch TV all day so just let her.
Cindy: Alright mom, go ahead.
The next day, at the news station…
Teri: Alright mom, your interview will be in five minutes.
Betty: Wait, is that Alicia Spanheim over there?
Teri: I don’t know. I… think so?
Velma: It is. Mark said she’d be on the show tonight.
Betty: Oh my god, I love her so much. She’s my hero.
Teri: Who is she?
Betty: You don’t know who Alicia Spanheim is?
Teri: She’s some politician, right?
Betty: She’s not just SOME politician! She’s the Democratic nominee for the US House in our district and she’s also a perfect human. Former CIA agent, now a mom and a girl scout troop leader. And she will win her election!
Teri: That’s great mom. Can we focus on your interview?
Betty: Oh yeah, that. All I have to do is explain how I was in shock and it fogged up my memory. I’m good!
Andrea: Alright Mrs. Spanheim, thank you for your time. And now it’s time for our second guest. You saw her in an interview on our show yesterday and she became a viral sensation. Now she’s back again! Please welcome Betty Bellwood.
Alicia: Good luck out there, she’s tough!
Betty: Alicia Spanheim talked to me!
Teri: Oh god, this isn’t going to go well. She’s starstruck.
Velma: I’m just gonna go talk to Mark. I can’t watch.
Andrea: We’re so happy to have you back, Betty.
Betty: I’m happy to be back, Andrew!
Teri: Oh no!
Betty: I’m sorry, Abigail.
Teri: Oof.
Andrea: It’s Andrea, but that’s understandable. I’ve only been here for 15 years. Why would anyone know me?
Betty: I don’t know, I usually watch the CBS news.
Andrea: Anyway, not to get too off-track, let’s talk about the interview. You wanted to clear up a few things about it. Can you explain why your description of the bandit was so confusing?
Betty: I was, uh, what’s that word for when you just experienced something terrifying and you can’t think clearly?
Teri (mouthing): Shocked.
Betty: I was shot.
Teri (mouthing): Shocked!
Betty: Oh, I was shocked! I was in a state of shock and I couldn’t think clearly. My memory was so foggy and I just couldn’t think straight.
Andrea: So, you made some strange comments regarding the suspect’s shirt, his religious heritage, and his looks. Was that all because of the shock?
Betty: Yes. And I also have a particular set of skills. Oh no, that’s Taken again!
Teri: I’m leaving. This is a disaster.
Teri walks off to find Velma.
Betty: I meant to say that I have a peculiar sense of humor and I like to make jokes when things get awkward.
Andrea: Did you really think that was an appropriate time for jokes?
Betty: Oh, if I could turn back time.
Andrea: Did you just quote Cher?
Betty: I did. You know, my son is taking me to one of her concerts next month!
Andrea: I am so sorry to interrupt you Mrs. Davis -
Betty: Bellwood! I’m Betty Bellwood, not Betty Davis and I wasn’t a baby named Jane!
Andrea: Police have apprehended the Henrico County Carnival Bandit and we go live to Karen Chang in the studio for coverage.
Betty: So Andrea, when do we go back to the interview?
Andrea: We don’t. Also, NOW you get my name right? Come on lady!
Betty: Hey, you think I’m named Betty Davis! At least it isn’t MY job to know the name of some lady on the news!
Later that night…
Teri: So that was an interesting interview, Mom.
Steven: Grandma Betty, your interview was so funny!
Betty: It was pretty funny, wasn’t it? Maybe I can be a comedian! I’ll be the next Joan Rivers!
Teri: Simmer down Mrs. Maisel, you weren’t that funny.

What did you think of the episode? Comment your thoughts below and make sure to catch a new episode next Thursday!


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