Frances in the Kitchen Season 1 Episode 2 - Rival in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 1, Episode 2
Rival in the Kitchen

Frances is sitting at home watching TV with Greg, Jimmy, Louise and Lauren.
Greg: Frances, go back. I wanna see what DeAnna has to say.
Frances: Why? What would possess me to do that?
Lauren: Who’s DeAnna?
Frances: You don’t know?
Lauren: No, who is she?
Frances: Consider yourself blessed.
Greg: Frances doesn’t like her.
Frances: I HATE her. The woman is the devil incarnate.
Jimmy: Is she really that bad?
Frances: She aired in the timeslot against my show for the first six years I was on and she did everything she could to sabotage me. All the other hosts from rival networks sent me fruit baskets and muffins and cards and all kinds of gifts and she sent nothing. When I ran into her at a party, she said she was really enjoying crushing me in the ratings. Mind you, this is the first time I met her and three months into my show’s run. Then, I got more popular than her and her rage intensified. All in all, not a great lady.
Louise: You ever try slashing her tires? Just for a bit of payback?
Frances: I’ve always taken the high road.
Lauren: Mom, that was insane.
Louise: What? I’m from Jersey, that’s how we handle them there.
Jimmy: You moved from Jersey to Michigan when you were ten years old.
Louise: But my dad still taught me how to deal with a snake! You cut its head off!
Lauren: Oh my god, mom! I don’t think aunt Frances wants to kill DeAnna.
Frances: Eh… depends on the day.
Greg: Frances! What is that supposed to mean?
Frances: It’s a joke, Gregory. Now watch DemonAnna if you want.
Greg: Alright, I will.
DeAnna Clifton (on TV): I know what you’re all thinking. ‘DeAnna, why do you look so sad?’ 
Frances: Nope, I don’t care!
DeAnna: Well, concerned viewers at home, this brings me no pleasure to report to you, -
Frances: Now I’m listening!
DeAnna: but I have made a difficult decision.
Frances: Get to it, satan.
Greg: Frances, be patient.
Jimmy: She never was one for patience. Ma used to yell at her all the time over it.
DeAnna: In one month, the final episode of DeAnna’s Dishes will air.
Frances: What? Oh my god, am I dreaming? Did I die and go to heaven?
Jimmy: No, you’re still alive.
Frances: Damn right I am. You wouldn’t be here if this was heaven.
Jimmy: Wow, Frances!
DeAnna: I love my family here, but sometimes you need a change in scenery. I’ve been cooking in this kitchen, at this same studio, for fifteen years. I’ve loved it, but I’m a woman who needs some change in her life every once in a while.
Frances: You’re barely a woman. You’re mostly demon.
Lauren: You should be celebrating, not yelling at the TV.
Louise: Yeah, turn it off!
Frances: No, I wanna see her cry. She clearly got fired.
DeAnna: Over this next month, I’ll be saying goodbye in my own way, with some of my favorite guests over the years returning up until the big farewell.
Frances: She’s about to cry! I love it!
Lauren: I’ve never seen her like this before.
Jimmy: I have!
Louise: We all have.
Greg: Seriously. She’s like this most of the time.
Frances: Aww, that’s so sweet.
The next day, at the studio…
Beverly: Frances! Did you hear?
Frances: The good news? You mean…
Marcia: She’s gone!
Frances: I know! I cried tears of joy!
Jane: What happened?
Frances: DeAnna Clifton, the worst person I’ve ever met, is finally done being a pain in my rear end.
Jane: Who’s that?
Beverly: Frances, does her brain even work? She’s been here four years and she still doesn’t know who your mortal enemy is?
Jane: No. Who is she? Please tell me. I feel dumb.
Beverly: Feel?
Marcia: Honey, she’s Frances’s main rival. She hosts a cooking show on that other network.
Jane: Oh. Thank you!
Frances: Now that that’s, you know, dealt with, how do you want to celebrate? Dinner at Shelby’s tonight?
Beverly: Shelby’s? We need to go somewhere fancier!
Marcia: Nowhere on my side of town, Beverly will show up a half-hour later to it. The rest of us will be eating dessert while she’s running in.
Beverly: Are you still mad about that party?
Marcia: Yes! It was my 50th birthday party and my third-best friend should’ve been there!
Jane: Am I your second-best friend?
Marcia: Sure.
Beverly: She’s a liar!
Frances: So where are we going for our celebration tonight?
DeAnna: What are we celebrating, ladies?
Frances: Ah! A ghost!
DeAnna: You’re celebrating a ghost?
Beverly: Security!
DeAnna: Oh, relax, missy.
Beverly: Missy?
Frances: What are you doing here?
DeAnna: Official business.
Frances: Don’t you have a flop to be filming?
DeAnna: I finished filming DeAnna’s Dishes yesterday.
Frances: And I care why?
Marcia: Frances, that vein on your head looks like it’s about to explode.
Jane: Yeah, please don’t die on me. I’m not qualified for any other job.
Beverly: She really isn’t. She’s not even qualified for this, and all she does is get you coffee and take your robe to the dry cleaner’s.
Frances: I’m fine. Don’t worry about Frances.
DeAnna: You sure about that? You look ill. Are you piecing things together perhaps?
Frances: Charlie, what are you doing here?
Charlie Holmes, the president of The Baking Channel, approaches.
Beverly: Hello Charlie. Looking especially diminutive today, aren’t you?
Charlie: Hello there ladies! Frances, you look just as radiant as ever. Marcia, you’re just as sweet. Jane, you’re… still special.
Jane: Thank you!
Marcia: Honey…
Beverly: Charlie, what are you doing here today?
Frances: Yeah, I’m about to film a show on baking pirouette cookies with a special guest appearance by the person that played the President on that political show that’s not The West Wing. So, I have a big show to film and no time for her nonsense.
Charlie: Well, it ain’t nonsense, girls. DeAnna’s joining the TBC family!
DeAnna: Isn’t it great, Frances? We get to see each other every day!
Frances: Excuse us for a minute.
Frances, Beverly, Marcia and Jane walk over to the other side of the room.
Jane: What’s going on? I wasn’t listening.
Marcia: The beginning of the end, that’s what’s going on.
Frances: Don’t get too dramatic, it’ll be okay. Maybe.
Beverly: I can’t believe Charlie would do this. He knows how you feel. How we all feel.
Frances: He just wanted the publicity. Imagine the headlines. We’ll be on the cover of Us Weekly. He knows that.
Jane: Charlie is so old. Does he even know what Us Weekly is?
Frances: Yes, probably. He knows the media for sure, though. They won’t pass up a chance to cover this mess. I’m furious over it but there’s not much I can do. It’s not like we’re filming in the same studio, we won’t even have to see her that much.
Marcia: This is so mature. I love this version of you.
Frances: Thank you. Now let me go play nice with them so we can get this filmed and we can get hammered.
Frances, Beverly, Marcia and Jane walk back to Charlie and DeAnna.
DeAnna: So, what did you talk about?
Frances: How excited we are to have you join the family!
DeAnna: Oh really? You do know that I know you hate me, right?
Jane: That was a word salad. Hard to follow along.
DeAnna: Someone help this girl. Please.
Jane: I don’t need any help, you bitch.
DeAnna: Woah! She’s a nasty thing!
Jane: You bet.
Frances: Jane, you can go. You don’t need to risk being turned into stone by her.
Jane: Wait, what?
Frances: Get me a latte, Jane.
Jane: On it!
Jane runs to her car and drives away.
DeAnna: Can she even drive?
Frances: DeAnna, I’m going to be nice to you.
DeAnna: You are?
Marcia: You are?
Frances: Yes. If we’re going to work at the same place, we can turn over a new leaf and be nice. But I’m not letting you talk to my Jane like that. You don’t know her. And Charlie, you don’t, either.
Charlie: I was just joking around with her.
Frances: I don’t care. That girl is the daughter I’ve never had and you don’t even know her. Be kind.
Beverly: You tell him, Frances!
Frances: Now, I have to get to work. DeAnna, congratulations on your new gig. I’ll see you at work. Good luck!
DeAnna: Thanks, I guess.
That night, at Frances’ house…
Greg: Frances, you’re a bit late, aren't you?
Frances: Oh, nahhhh!
Lauren: Aunt Frances, are you… drunk?
Frances: Only a little.
Louise: Did you seriously drive home like this? You coulda killed someone. I’m from Jersey, the state where we literally have the severed horse's head from The Godfather on our state flag, so I know a thing or two about killing people.
Lauren: No you don’t!
Louise: Let me sound cool. I’m reprimanding your aunt!
Frances: I had two beers. I waited a half-hour after the second one until I drove home. I’m fine. Beverly said so.
Jimmy: If Beverly jumped off a bridge, would you jump, too?
Frances: Hell no.
Louise: Well… that’s not a good enough excuse.
Frances: I don’t need a lecture from you guys tonight. Not after the day I had.
Greg: What happened, sweetie?
Frances: Don’t call me sweetie.
Greg: Alright. I was trying something new and it didn’t work.
Frances: Sure as hell did not.
Lauren: What happened, today?
Louise: See, Greg. You can say it without sounding like a creeper.
Frances: So, uh, about DeAnna.
Jimmy: Did you find out why she was fired?
Louise: She hit someone with her car, didn’t she? She looks like trouble.
Frances: I wish it was that easy.
Greg: You wish she hit someone with a car?
Frances: Yes! That’s much better than reality?
Louise: What happened?
Frances: DeAnna…
Louise: Spill it!
Frances: DeAnna is coming to work at The Baking Channel. She’s going to film in the studio next to mine and I’m going to see her every day.
Lauren: I am so sorry for your loss.
Frances: I tried to play nice around her -
Louise: Around her? Did that bitch come sneaking around your studio to gloat in person?
Frances: Yes! I was mean to the lady from Beetlejuice because of it! I’ll never find out if Thelma and Louise survived now!
Jimmy: Frances… they didn’t. They drove into the Grand Canyon.
Frances: You don’t know if they dropped to their deaths.
Louise: Tat’s not the point for right now. I take back everything I said earlier, you earned those drinks.
Greg: But still don’t drink and drive!
Louise: It’s okay sometimes!
Lauren: No, it’s not!
Louise: Eh.
Frances: I’m trying to come with this but it’s not easy. When you hate a woman so much, it’s hard to cope with having to see her five days a week and sometimes six when there’s a corporate function!
Lauren: Just do what I did when I had to see Stacey Johnston.
Frances: Who’s Stacey Johnston?
Louise: The girl at school that Lauren killed. Told ya we’re tough in Jersey.
Frances: Wait, what?
Lauren: I didn’t kill her, mom is just weird. I may have potentially been humiliated by her at cheerleader tryouts in 11th grade and wished she was dead, though.
Frances: What did she do?
Jimmy: She traumatized my poor baby girl.
Lauren: She put butter on the floor so I would slip when I would walk in. After that, I was too embarrassed to start my tryout and I was seen as an outcast. I had to see her every day for over nine months, but I put her in her place. On the last day of 11th grade, I walked up to her and told her off in front of her little cheerleader buddies. I talked about how she was a loser in middle school who once ate. a piece of gum that was on the auditorium bleachers. I mentioned how in 10th grade, she had a poster of the worst Jonas brother, Kevin, in her locker. That shut her up and 12th grade went great.
Frances: You really do have my blood pumping through you! You’re positively deranged!
Lauren: It wasn’t my proudest moment, but thanks.
Frances: I think I might try to be civil, though. At least at first.
Greg: There you go! When they go low, go high!
Frances: That is a nonsensical phrase, Greg.
Greg: Thanks, I try.
The next day, at the studio, Frances pulls up to her reserved parking spot to find a car pulling into it. She parks across the lot.
Frances: What the hell, lady?
DeAnna: Oh Frances! Why the long face?
Frances: Good god, why?
DeAnna: Are you mad about your parking spot? Charlie said I could park here?
Frances: No, he didn’t.
Charlie: I sure did!
Frances: Is that a Keebler elf I hear?
Charlie: Oh, you! And you wonder why I gave DeAnna your parking slot.
Frances: You really did that?
Charlie: Yes, so get used to your new slot.
Frances: Which is?
Charlie: The one you’re in now.
Frances: What? Even Marcia parks closer than that.
Charlie: Take that up with her.
DeAnna: Thanks, Charlie! You’re a doll!
Charlie: No problem! I have to treat my newest star well!
DeAnna: I think it’s gonna be fun here at TBC.
Frances: Yep, real fun.
Frances storms off into the studio.
Marcia: What’s wrong? Run into DeAnna or something?
Frances: Yes!
Marcia: Oh my god, really? Already? She just finished filming her other show two days ago!
Frances: I know! We can’t get a break.
Beverly: Oh, you ran into DeAnna today?
Frances: Yes! The Wicked Witch of West Hollywood stole my parking slot!
Beverly: Charlie won’t stand for this.
Frances: Yeah, he will! He’s doing everything to make her feel at home. Maybe he forgets that my show has four times the viewers that hers has.
Beverly: You were right. He wants the tabloid drama. Don’t give it to him.
Frances: I’ll try not to. Don’t want to give either of them the satisfaction. I knew she was still a snake. She acts all nice and sweet on TV but she’s nothing of the sort. She’s probably just jealous that I can actually bake and win awards and she can’t.
Marcia: Did someone mention her James Beard?
Frances: You did. Thanks!
Jane: Frances!
Frances: What’s up, Jane?
Jane: That old mean lady from yesterday just asked me to get her a coffee and said she’d pay me twice as much as you do if I’d come work for her. Then she called me “dopey.”
Frances: She did what?
Jane: I know, I’m not dopey at all!
Frances: Beverly, I’m sorry.
Beverly: What about?
Frances: I’m gonna go cause some trouble. Necessary trouble.
Beverly: You do you.
Marcia: Kill her if you have to!
Frances runs outside and sees DeAnna smoking a cigarette.
Frances: Hey, I want you to die as much as the next person, but can you put that out? I have a bone to pick with you.
DeAnna: Oh look. If it isn’t Mother Teresa herself. Back so soon?
Frances: You can call me names. You can belittle me. You can do everything to tear me down. You don’t try to take my girl away from me. That Jane is loyal and kind and not a puppet in your game.
DeAnna: No one is loyal, they all have a price.
Frances: Not everyone. Jane cares more about people than about wealth.
DeAnna: I’m rich, Frances. Far richer than you. I can buy people. Jane is one of those people.
Frances: Remember the Gala to Cure Alzheimer’s back in 2008?
DeAnna: What does that have to do with anything?
Frances: Remember when you got drunk and spilled the bowl of punch on your blouse and you weren’t wearing a bra underneath? You flashed the Governor.
DeAnna: I paid people off to keep that a secret.
Frances: I will call any magazine I choose. People, Us, one of the others, who knows. I’ll tell them all about your drunken night. Or, you could stop going after Jane and give me my parking space.
DeAnna: Fine. But that’s it. Everything else is fair game.
Frances: That sounds like a deal. Those two things are important enough to make the trade.
DeAnna: As always, a pain in the ass to see you.
Frances: You as well!
That night, when Frances returns home…
Lauren: Aunt Frances! I’m so proud of you!
Frances: What did I do now?
Lauren: You took my advice! Your fight was on Access Hollywood Live!
Frances: Oh no.
Louise: Oh yes! You did good!
Frances: I gave Charlie everything he wanted. I probably fell for a trick. I want DeAnna’s show to have no hype and bomb. This will hurt that.
Jimmy: Don’t worry, people have short attention spans. They’ll forget about this. Just don't do it again!
Lauren: In the meantime, even though I don’t know what was said, you were clearly firing back at her. So, good job! Put her in her place.
Frances: I should really embrace my inner awful more often, shouldn’t I?
Louise: I still think beheading should've been considered.

What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode!

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