Open: Darnell is in a meeting with the staff of his multi-million dollar business behind the quiz website Quizzical Quiz, including Ronan (Chief Content Creator) and Colin (Executive Secretary).
DARNELL
I’ll keep this brief. I called you all in today because I’ve had enough.
RONAN
Enough of what? Are we getting fired?
DARNELL
No, you’re not. But I am.
COLIN
How can you fire yourself?
DARNELL
By quitting. I’ve started a company from the ground up, it’s become a success, but I’m tired of it. I’m done.
RONAN
Can’t say I didn’t see it coming, you’ve been mentally out of it for like two months. What are you going to do now?
DARNELL
Run for President.
COLIN
No seriously, what are you going to do?
DARNELL
I’m serious. I’m going to run for President.
RONAN
I’m afraid to ask of what.
DARNELL
Of the United States of America dimwit. You all can decide who’s taking over as the CEO of Quizzical Quizzy Quiz or whatever we’re calling it now.
COLIN
Wow. When are you announcing it?
DARNELL
Holding a press conference later today.
Darnell exits the room, gathers his belongings, and leaves.
Cut to Darnell, standing in front of a podium with many people from the local press in his presence.
DARNELL
Good afternoon. I am speaking to you today to officially say I am stepping down from CEO of, uh...my company, and running for President. Of the United States, that is. Of America. That’s all I got for my speech, anyone have any questions?
REPORTER #1
Sir, what caused this decision?
DARNELL
A bunch of things. Basically I love being in power but I’m tired of leading the company.
REPORTER #2
How will you fund your campaign?
DARNELL
Go to www.darnelllovesrunningforpres20.com and donate to my campaign! I’m accepting donations of all sizes, from as small as one thousand dollars all the way up past one million dollars! I am now assembling a staff to help me with this campaign.
Cut to Darnell at home, tuning into Cable News Channel. They are covering his announcement.
CNC CONTRIBUTOR #1
Businessman Darnell Tiles has announced his run for President, and man did he look sharp.
CNC CONTRIBUTOR #2
Yeah, I think he really has a shot at the nomination. It was quick, he was very transparent, very down to earth, and has an easily accessible website. Not surprising coming from one of the greatest businessmen in modern history.
CNC CONTRIBUTOR #1
It is true, everyone at CNC and really everyone I know visits Quizzical Quiz often, he truly is a genius.
CNC CONTRIBUTOR #2
He’s flawless. Outstanding start to his campaign, simply outstanding.
CNC CONTRIBUTOR #1
Outstanding indeed. More after this commercial break.
Darnell turns off the television, satisfied with his campaign’s start, as he expected to be. He calls some people, including family, friends, and fellow business executives to comprise of his campaign staff.
Cut to Darnell and his campaign staff, sitting in his oversized living room, eating pizza and drinking soda.
DARNELL
Lucky you, you’re all now part of the greatest Presidential campaign to ever exist. Not like I need much of a staff though.
TOMMY (Best friend and Campaign Manager)
Truly Darnell, a great start. You’ve already raised $4 million dollars on your website. Polls are easily getting you to the first debate.
PAM (Businesswoman and Debate Coach)
We really should start preparing for the debate.
DARNELL
Oh why would I need any preparing, people love hearing me talk.
SAL (Uncle and Head of Communications)
Some of the other candidates will go after you, and you will have to go after some of them as well.
DARNELL
Don’t worry about it, I got this.
CASEY (Friend and Vice Campaign Manager)
Darnell, we’re going to act out some scenarios for the first debate.
DARNELL
We really have to do this?
CASEY
Yes. It’s for your own good.
DARNELL
Tommy, give me some numbers.
TOMMY
Up to $37 million raised now and very competitive in the polls.
DARNELL
Yeah I’m not doing this debate preparation crap.
CASEY
You have to do it.
DARNELL
Ron, is that true?
RON (Brother and Chief Advisor)
Yes.
DARNELL
Fine, I’ll do it then. But only if it gets you all to let me do my thing.
CASEY
First scenario. I’m going to be a moderator. Here goes: Businessman Tiles, explain your position on health care.
DARNELL
I don’t have one.
TOMMY
Seriously? No health care plan?
DARNELL
I have a health care plan.
CASEY
Then say it!
DARNELL
It was part of my package as CEO.
RON
We mean your health care plan for the country.
DARNELL
Oh. Why would I have one of those?
CASEY
Just come up with something and answer the prompt.
DARNELL
Fine. Um, I guess my health care plan is to guarantee that no one ever gets sick.
PAM
Not even the most extreme candidates are saying that.
DARNELL
Okay, then it’s to guarantee they don’t get sick unless they want to get sick.
RON
That makes no sense at all.
CASEY
You know what, we can get back to health care later. Now I’ll be another candidate. Darnell, you’re a businessman but you have no prior government experience and will have no clue how to run this country!
DARNELL
Yeah I would.
SAL
You’re supposed to explain how.
DARNELL
It goes without saying.
SAL
Just say it.
DARNELL
Look, I want to be President and the people want me to be President. What else is there to it?
TOMMY
People are going to ditch you if they hear what you’re saying. They’re supporting you because they love Quizzical Quiz, but that doesn’t mean they’ll continue to support your run for President no matter what.
DARNELL
How about this: I’ll just say the opposite of what the guy or girl at center stage is saying.
DARNELL (after a pause)
Or am I center stage?
RON
There are two people standing center stage, you’re one of them.
PAM
At this point, that might be what works.
DARNELL
What works is how much money this campaign has. We couldn’t spend it all if we tried, and more is just going to keep coming in! Not like that’s unexpected though.
SAL
Darnell, I think you might be getting ahead of yourself. People are giving you money but haven’t made up their minds over who to support for President. This is a serious thing and you can’t just assume you’ll win.
DARNELL
I can assume I’ll win. Just wait until I unveil my foreign policy ideas live on stage.
RON
Or you could wait on that.
CASEY
How about you get up there and just give really vague answers?
DARNELL
That’s exactly what I was gonna do. My foreign policy plan is to have friends and be careful of enemies.
PAM
There has to be one issue you can stick to. And apparently it’s not health care or foreign policy.
DARNELL
How about gender inequality in the workplace?
CASEY
Not seen as a huge issue but if it keeps you on the map then go for it.
DARNELL
Cool, I’m leaving now.
DARNELL exits.
CASEY
Can we all agree that Darnell sucks as a candidate?
RON
Yes! I didn’t want to be the one to say it but he looks terrible.
PAM
Let’s have the public decide if they like him.
SAL
Pam, do you think his campaign can work?
PAM
If people continue to blindly love him then yes. If not, this will be one of the biggest campaign flops in modern history.
At this point, that might be what works.
DARNELL
What works is how much money this campaign has. We couldn’t spend it all if we tried, and more is just going to keep coming in! Not like that’s unexpected though.
SAL
Darnell, I think you might be getting ahead of yourself. People are giving you money but haven’t made up their minds over who to support for President. This is a serious thing and you can’t just assume you’ll win.
DARNELL
I can assume I’ll win. Just wait until I unveil my foreign policy ideas live on stage.
RON
Or you could wait on that.
CASEY
How about you get up there and just give really vague answers?
DARNELL
That’s exactly what I was gonna do. My foreign policy plan is to have friends and be careful of enemies.
PAM
There has to be one issue you can stick to. And apparently it’s not health care or foreign policy.
DARNELL
How about gender inequality in the workplace?
CASEY
Not seen as a huge issue but if it keeps you on the map then go for it.
DARNELL
Cool, I’m leaving now.
DARNELL exits.
CASEY
Can we all agree that Darnell sucks as a candidate?
RON
Yes! I didn’t want to be the one to say it but he looks terrible.
PAM
Let’s have the public decide if they like him.
SAL
Pam, do you think his campaign can work?
PAM
If people continue to blindly love him then yes. If not, this will be one of the biggest campaign flops in modern history.
CASEY
Alright Darnell, it’s debate time. Remember: gender inequality in the workplace. And under no circumstances can you talk about your health care or foreign policy plans. Just use your charm to navigate around answering them if they give those questions to you.
DARNELL
Got it. $100 million in donations means I already won the debate.
CASEY
It doesn’t mean that at all. Pay attention now, they’re going to call you on stage soon.
Darnell gets called on stage by the moderators, as do the rest of the candidates.
MODERATOR #1
Businessman Tiles, this first question is for you. If elected, what will you do about the wars currently happening between the United States and other countries?
DARNELL
Well first, let me thanks everyone who has supported my campaign so far and everyone who is about to contribute. Thank you for visiting a little website called Quizzical Quiz, we’ve had visitors in 132 countries so I think I know a thing or two about the rest of the world. We’ve had people play from Mongolia, we’ve had people play from Canada, we’ve had people play from, uh...Europe, and we’ve even had people play from Mongolia!
MODERATOR #1
Mr. Tiles please answer the question.
DARNELL
I did. I love foreigners.
JAMES (Main competitor)
Seriously? Is that your foreign policy plan?
DARNELL
As if you have something better.
JAMES
With all due respect I’ve been in Congress for over 20 years. I’ve never gotten less than 85% of the vote in my elections. I’ve gotten more bills passed per year than anyone else in Congress. And for many years, I have been outspoken about my opposition to the wars currently going on. My plan is to gradually remove troops from many areas, and ultimately retreat from war by the end of my first term. This will also have a positive economic impact, which will benefit the country as a whole.
DARNELL
Okay boomer.
The crowd boos Darnell.
DARNELL
Look at the crowd James, booing you!
JAMES
They’re booing you.
DARNELL
Aw, poor James had his feelings hurt.
MODERATOR #2
I think that’s enough. Let’s turn this discussion to health care.
HANNAH
I have thought this out in my nine-step process. Step one is—
DARNELL
Yeah, like anyone cares.
HANNAH
I think people do care, mind you.
DARNELL
I have better ideas.
HANNAH
Like what?
DARNELL
Taking on gender inequality in the workplace. There has been lots of progress recently tightening the wage gap between men and women in the workplace, and I assure you all that I am completely, without any doubt whatsoever, against it.
MODERATOR #3
Businessman Tiles I’ll come back to you, it’s time to hear from—
DARNELL
No, this is what I’m running on. As President, I will guarantee that men will earn at least 40% more than women doing the same job.
Long pause.
HANNAH
I’m sorry but this is unacceptable, can someone get this monster off the stage please?
DARNELL
Complain all you want. This is the issue I suggested and my campaign approved. Everyone in my campaign agrees that I should run on gender inequality in the workplace, and that’s what I’m doing. But if you want me to leave while I’m ahead, I’ll be glad to do so and escape the health care questions.
Darnell exits the stage. The crowd watches in shock.
MODERATOR #2
Very sorry about that everyone, it looks like Mr. Tiles just needs a moment to collect himself.
DARNELL (Reappearing and yelling)
I don’t. I’m out of here and gonna continue to collect my money. I have more donations than all of you suckers combined!
Darnell exits the stage again. He meets his campaign staff.
CASEY
What was that?
DARNELL
You approved.
CASEY
When you said your angle would be gender inequality in the workplace I had assumed you meant you had a plan to strive for gender equality. I thought that goes without saying, but apparently not.
DARNELL
Well why didn’t you say that?
CASEY
As I said, I thought it was implied. I would quit this sexist campaign if I knew I could get another job.
DARNELL
I’m going home.
Darnell exits.
SAL
We need a new plan and it involves getting this guy out of the race as soon as we can.
PAM
He still has so much money.
SAL
We need to spend it all within days. We have no other choice if we want to protect our reputation.
Open: Team meeting
DARNELL
What’s going on everyone? We had $100 million on debate night and now we’re down to $700,000. I don’t recall approving the usage of so much money for commercials, and it seems like people are against gender inequality in the workplace.
SAL
Uh, no reason for your money loss. Not like we all bought tons of food and expensive useless items with it, that would be ridiculous! What do you think, we’re running your campaign into the ground by buying and hiding everything imaginable?
DARNELL
Now that you mention it, I wouldn’t be surprised. But the truth of the matter is I can’t afford to pay you all with the money draining so quickly. Where’s Pam, anyways?
CASEY
She quit. She’s had enough of your terrible campaign. I would’ve never joined if I knew how terrible you would be at the debate. I thought you were just lazy and over-relying on your donor count, but I see now you have weak character as well.
DARNELL
Maybe I’m not getting new money because so many people already donated to me?
SAL
No, your poll numbers are down a ton. If you want to keep your campaign running, you’re going to have to apologize for those remarks.
DARNELL
I apologize.
RON
Not to us. To America.
DARNELL
How could I possibly do that?
SAL
Make a video to put on your website. Go on a talk show to explain where you went wrong. Say you got nervous and panicked, and you meant to say you’re for gender equality but got thrown off by the high stakes.
DARNELL
Will this really put me back in the mix?
SAL
Probably not. That’s why I’m resigning.
DARNELL
You can’t resign!
SAL
Just did.
TOMMY
Lucky me, I’m under a strict contract to stay through the end of the campaign.
DARNELL
Lucky you.
TOMMY
So...when do you think that will be?
DARNELL
I’ll still win the nomination.
TOMMY
You’re being delusional. At this point you need to apologize just to try to save your reputation. No one is going to vote for you to be President after that.
RON
Actually, you might be wrong Tommy. I saw a study that said 49% of Americans are satisfied with the current wage gap. Some have even gone as far as to think the wage gap is too tight.
DARNELL
Told you!
RON
It’s still probably not enough to get you to become President. You need to pick a different issue.
CASEY
Please do.
DARNELL
Fine. Education.
TOMMY
Let me guess, you think some people are too educated?
DARNELL
Yes, I do.
TOMMY
Then no.
DARNELL
I do! But that doesn’t mean it’s for the good of my campaign. So I’ll say we need to improve the education system.
RON
Do you really believe that?
DARNELL
I could care less. But I want to be President.
TOMMY
Then it’s settled. Go on the talk shows, apologize for your old comments, try to pass them off as being misunderstood or you panicking, and stress that your real staple is improving the education system.
CASEY
It might actually work given there are plenty of educational quizzes on Quizzical Quiz.
DARNELL
It’s my path to the Bright House.
RON
Please tell me you mean the White House.
DARNELL
Oh. Yeah. So anyways, when’s the next debate?
CASEY
Yesterday. You missed it because your poll numbers went down that far.
DARNELL
Looks like I have some catching up to do.
Open: Darnell is a guest on a popular prime time special of a daily talk show. The panel consists of all women.
DARNELL
First, let me say that I apologize for the remarks I made at the first debate. I was nervous and panicked. I was trying to acknowledge there are many people who are satisfied with the current progress made with the gender wage gap, and it is time to start serving all Americans.
PANELIST #1
You know what? I could care less. Whatever you do to apologize does not help. I know you meant those words.
PANELIST #2
And you’re only regretting it because you saw how bad your campaign is tanking.
PANELIST #3
With any due respect, which isn’t any, just face it. You’re a terrible person and you need to drop out of the race!
PANELIST #4
I agree, no one is going to vote for you, you are a disgrace.
DARNELL
Everyone loved me when I first entered the race!
PANELIST #5
They loved Quizzical Quiz and assumed you would be a good candidate. Now they’re sure they aren’t supporting you.
DARNELL
Well Cable News Channel loves me!
PANELIST #3
Have you watched CNC lately?
DARNELL
No.
PANELIST #1
I have news for you then: they hate you now.
DARNELL
I thought this was supposed to be a place where you all ask me questions! Is that not happening?
PANELIST #4
Fine. I have a question for you. Why have you not dropped out of the race yet?
PANELIST #2
It’s probably because he has more money than he knows what to do with.
DARNELL
Actually, almost all the money is gone. I’m staying in the race because I care about improving the education system across the country.
PANELIST #5
Let me guess, by kicking girls out of the classrooms and focusing only on the boys?
DARNELL
I can see why you would say that, but I’ll say it again: I choked on debate night. I believe all Americans should have equal access to high-quality education and propose significantly hiking up the salaries of teachers to encourage experts to get into the teaching field.
PANELIST #2
And the men will be paid more than the women?
DARNELL
Not necessarily. We will pay every teacher an annual salary of $10,000 more than the salary they are currently making.
PANELIST #3
And how do you expect to pay for all of this?
DARNELL
Cutting redundancies in our budget elsewhere. It’s all detailed on my new website, www.darnellforpresident.com. Donations can be made through buying branded supplies: pencils, pens, pencil sharpeners, notebooks, folders, and binders.
PANELIST #1
Wow. That’s all the time we have, thank you Mr. Tiles for stopping by!
Darnell exits.
CASEY
Darnell, that was awesome!
DARNELL
If it makes me President then I’ll say it.
TOMMY
You really are in this for the wrong reason.
DARNELL
No I’m not, I want to be in power. Also, we do have a new website with the education plan on it, right?
TOMMY
Thanks to Casey’s skills, yes. But we didn’t five minutes ago.
DARNELL
Is anyone going to the website yet?
CASEY
Nope. No sales either.
DARNELL
Don’t worry about it, they’ll come flying in soon and I’ll be back on my way to being President. And if it doesn’t work then I can always switch my angle to car insurance or whatever other crap options there are.
The crowd gasps.
CASEY
Um...I think your microphone might still be on.
DARNELL
Fine. I shut it off. Like I care what the crowd thinks.
The crowd gasps again.
TOMMY
Darnell, do us all a favor and drop out of the race.
CASEY
Yeah, it looked like you were making a comeback there for a while but it’s really over now.
Darnell takes off his microphone and throws it on the ground.
DARNELL
Come on, don’t you see how good this campaign is going? Sure, the debate didn’t go over too well, but people love me! Anyone saying anything different is lying. I’ve run a great campaign and quite frankly, I think the poll numbers are way off. Once I win the first few states, it’ll be an easy road to the Bright House.
CASEY
White House.
DARNELL
Easy road to the White House.
Open: Darnell’s living room with the TV tuned into Cable News Channel.
CASEY
The day is finally here.
TOMMY
Think he’ll do well?
CASEY
Of course not. But he seems delusional so don’t be surprised when he gets 0% of the vote and keeps on going.
TOMMY
Is there any state where he’s supposed to do well?
CASEY
He’s at 62% in Franklin.
TOMMY
Franklin isn’t a state.
CASEY
Exactly.
TOMMY
Anything where he’s at maybe...10%?
CASEY
Highest I’m getting is 2% in his home state.
TOMMY
Yikes. Maybe after tonight he’ll come to his senses.
Darnell enters.
DARNELL
What’s up everyone, ready to crush it tonight?
CASEY
Darnell, just don’t get your hopes up, the polls don’t have you doing too well.
DARNELL
Yeah, like I care what the polls think.
TOMMY
You should.
DARNELL
I don’t though.
CASEY
How well do you think you’ll do tonight?
DARNELL
Probably around 40 to 45% of the vote. Enough to put me in first place.
SAL
Maybe try lowering your expectations to 4 or 5 percent?
CASEY
Way too high Sal.
DARNELL
Hold on, the results are coming in...would you look at that, starting out the night in first. Told you the polls don’t matter.
CASEY
One percent of the vote is in. You can’t tell anything from this. Wait until the night goes on.
DARNELL
When am I allowed to declare myself the winner? Should I give the speech now?
TOMMY
Absolutely not. Look at the TV again.
DARNELL
Fine, I’m down a little now. But I’m still in first place by a lot and the vote count has doubled. I’m turning this off, the night’s over.
SAL
No it’s not. We’re watching this. Trust me, it’s for the good of your own campaign.
DARNELL
If you say so. Wow, look at that guy at the bottom. 0%! I swear if I even came close to 0% tonight I would drop out.
TOMMY
You might not want to say that.
DARNELL
And look at Hannah, 4% of the vote! Looks like I got the last laugh! Can I just give my victory speech now? You know what, I’m leaving the room to write it.
Darnell exits the room. An hour later, he returns with his speech ready.
DARNELL
How do you think this is for my speech: Hey everyone, thanks for supporting me, see you when I’m President!
CASEY
That’s it? Terrible. Also, you might want to look at the TV again.
DARNELL
They’re only showing the totals of three people. Are they showing the race for second? How pathetic.
SAL
Keep watching.
DARNELL
Hold up! 0.3%?! How did that happen?!
TOMMY
We told you, you can’t trust the very early results.
DARNELL
Wow. And to think, just an hour ago I said I would drop out if I did that badly. Times change quickly.
CASEY
Really Darnell?
DARNELL
I still have a chance! All I need to do is win the other states! I’m sure I’ll do better there.
TOMMY
Not according to the polls. And you need to stop ignoring them, they were right.
DARNELL
Big money night?
TOMMY
Nope.
SAL
On the bright side, people are playing Quizzical Quiz in droves after your talk show appearance with the proposal of your education plan, and you’re making income from that.
DARNELL
I had an influence then. I had an influence!
TOMMY
You’re right. Maybe your Presidential campaign is off to a slow start, to put it mildly, but you’d done a lot of good for the business.
DARNELL
You changed my mind. I need to drop out. I’ll put out a statement tomorrow. In the mean time, I have some calls to make.
Darnell reaches for his phone and calls Ronan.
DARNELL
Hey Ronan, it’s Darnell. I think it’s time for me to return to Quizzical Quiz. My Presidential campaign was a failure, but I’m more inspired than I’ve been in a while to work at the business again.
Darnell pauses while Ronan talks.
DARNELL
I’ll see you tomorrow, boss.
DARNELL
Well why didn’t you say that?
CASEY
As I said, I thought it was implied. I would quit this sexist campaign if I knew I could get another job.
DARNELL
I’m going home.
Darnell exits.
SAL
We need a new plan and it involves getting this guy out of the race as soon as we can.
PAM
He still has so much money.
SAL
We need to spend it all within days. We have no other choice if we want to protect our reputation.
Open: Team meeting
DARNELL
What’s going on everyone? We had $100 million on debate night and now we’re down to $700,000. I don’t recall approving the usage of so much money for commercials, and it seems like people are against gender inequality in the workplace.
SAL
Uh, no reason for your money loss. Not like we all bought tons of food and expensive useless items with it, that would be ridiculous! What do you think, we’re running your campaign into the ground by buying and hiding everything imaginable?
DARNELL
Now that you mention it, I wouldn’t be surprised. But the truth of the matter is I can’t afford to pay you all with the money draining so quickly. Where’s Pam, anyways?
CASEY
She quit. She’s had enough of your terrible campaign. I would’ve never joined if I knew how terrible you would be at the debate. I thought you were just lazy and over-relying on your donor count, but I see now you have weak character as well.
DARNELL
Maybe I’m not getting new money because so many people already donated to me?
SAL
No, your poll numbers are down a ton. If you want to keep your campaign running, you’re going to have to apologize for those remarks.
DARNELL
I apologize.
RON
Not to us. To America.
DARNELL
How could I possibly do that?
SAL
Make a video to put on your website. Go on a talk show to explain where you went wrong. Say you got nervous and panicked, and you meant to say you’re for gender equality but got thrown off by the high stakes.
DARNELL
Will this really put me back in the mix?
SAL
Probably not. That’s why I’m resigning.
DARNELL
You can’t resign!
SAL
Just did.
TOMMY
Lucky me, I’m under a strict contract to stay through the end of the campaign.
DARNELL
Lucky you.
TOMMY
So...when do you think that will be?
DARNELL
I’ll still win the nomination.
TOMMY
You’re being delusional. At this point you need to apologize just to try to save your reputation. No one is going to vote for you to be President after that.
RON
Actually, you might be wrong Tommy. I saw a study that said 49% of Americans are satisfied with the current wage gap. Some have even gone as far as to think the wage gap is too tight.
DARNELL
Told you!
RON
It’s still probably not enough to get you to become President. You need to pick a different issue.
CASEY
Please do.
DARNELL
Fine. Education.
TOMMY
Let me guess, you think some people are too educated?
DARNELL
Yes, I do.
TOMMY
Then no.
DARNELL
I do! But that doesn’t mean it’s for the good of my campaign. So I’ll say we need to improve the education system.
RON
Do you really believe that?
DARNELL
I could care less. But I want to be President.
TOMMY
Then it’s settled. Go on the talk shows, apologize for your old comments, try to pass them off as being misunderstood or you panicking, and stress that your real staple is improving the education system.
CASEY
It might actually work given there are plenty of educational quizzes on Quizzical Quiz.
DARNELL
It’s my path to the Bright House.
RON
Please tell me you mean the White House.
DARNELL
Oh. Yeah. So anyways, when’s the next debate?
CASEY
Yesterday. You missed it because your poll numbers went down that far.
DARNELL
Looks like I have some catching up to do.
Open: Darnell is a guest on a popular prime time special of a daily talk show. The panel consists of all women.
DARNELL
First, let me say that I apologize for the remarks I made at the first debate. I was nervous and panicked. I was trying to acknowledge there are many people who are satisfied with the current progress made with the gender wage gap, and it is time to start serving all Americans.
PANELIST #1
You know what? I could care less. Whatever you do to apologize does not help. I know you meant those words.
PANELIST #2
And you’re only regretting it because you saw how bad your campaign is tanking.
PANELIST #3
With any due respect, which isn’t any, just face it. You’re a terrible person and you need to drop out of the race!
PANELIST #4
I agree, no one is going to vote for you, you are a disgrace.
DARNELL
Everyone loved me when I first entered the race!
PANELIST #5
They loved Quizzical Quiz and assumed you would be a good candidate. Now they’re sure they aren’t supporting you.
DARNELL
Well Cable News Channel loves me!
PANELIST #3
Have you watched CNC lately?
DARNELL
No.
PANELIST #1
I have news for you then: they hate you now.
DARNELL
I thought this was supposed to be a place where you all ask me questions! Is that not happening?
PANELIST #4
Fine. I have a question for you. Why have you not dropped out of the race yet?
PANELIST #2
It’s probably because he has more money than he knows what to do with.
DARNELL
Actually, almost all the money is gone. I’m staying in the race because I care about improving the education system across the country.
PANELIST #5
Let me guess, by kicking girls out of the classrooms and focusing only on the boys?
DARNELL
I can see why you would say that, but I’ll say it again: I choked on debate night. I believe all Americans should have equal access to high-quality education and propose significantly hiking up the salaries of teachers to encourage experts to get into the teaching field.
PANELIST #2
And the men will be paid more than the women?
DARNELL
Not necessarily. We will pay every teacher an annual salary of $10,000 more than the salary they are currently making.
PANELIST #3
And how do you expect to pay for all of this?
DARNELL
Cutting redundancies in our budget elsewhere. It’s all detailed on my new website, www.darnellforpresident.com. Donations can be made through buying branded supplies: pencils, pens, pencil sharpeners, notebooks, folders, and binders.
PANELIST #1
Wow. That’s all the time we have, thank you Mr. Tiles for stopping by!
Darnell exits.
CASEY
Darnell, that was awesome!
DARNELL
If it makes me President then I’ll say it.
TOMMY
You really are in this for the wrong reason.
DARNELL
No I’m not, I want to be in power. Also, we do have a new website with the education plan on it, right?
TOMMY
Thanks to Casey’s skills, yes. But we didn’t five minutes ago.
DARNELL
Is anyone going to the website yet?
CASEY
Nope. No sales either.
DARNELL
Don’t worry about it, they’ll come flying in soon and I’ll be back on my way to being President. And if it doesn’t work then I can always switch my angle to car insurance or whatever other crap options there are.
The crowd gasps.
CASEY
Um...I think your microphone might still be on.
DARNELL
Fine. I shut it off. Like I care what the crowd thinks.
The crowd gasps again.
TOMMY
Darnell, do us all a favor and drop out of the race.
CASEY
Yeah, it looked like you were making a comeback there for a while but it’s really over now.
Darnell takes off his microphone and throws it on the ground.
DARNELL
Come on, don’t you see how good this campaign is going? Sure, the debate didn’t go over too well, but people love me! Anyone saying anything different is lying. I’ve run a great campaign and quite frankly, I think the poll numbers are way off. Once I win the first few states, it’ll be an easy road to the Bright House.
CASEY
White House.
DARNELL
Easy road to the White House.
Open: Darnell’s living room with the TV tuned into Cable News Channel.
CASEY
The day is finally here.
TOMMY
Think he’ll do well?
CASEY
Of course not. But he seems delusional so don’t be surprised when he gets 0% of the vote and keeps on going.
TOMMY
Is there any state where he’s supposed to do well?
CASEY
He’s at 62% in Franklin.
TOMMY
Franklin isn’t a state.
CASEY
Exactly.
TOMMY
Anything where he’s at maybe...10%?
CASEY
Highest I’m getting is 2% in his home state.
TOMMY
Yikes. Maybe after tonight he’ll come to his senses.
Darnell enters.
DARNELL
What’s up everyone, ready to crush it tonight?
CASEY
Darnell, just don’t get your hopes up, the polls don’t have you doing too well.
DARNELL
Yeah, like I care what the polls think.
TOMMY
You should.
DARNELL
I don’t though.
CASEY
How well do you think you’ll do tonight?
DARNELL
Probably around 40 to 45% of the vote. Enough to put me in first place.
SAL
Maybe try lowering your expectations to 4 or 5 percent?
CASEY
Way too high Sal.
DARNELL
Hold on, the results are coming in...would you look at that, starting out the night in first. Told you the polls don’t matter.
CASEY
One percent of the vote is in. You can’t tell anything from this. Wait until the night goes on.
DARNELL
When am I allowed to declare myself the winner? Should I give the speech now?
TOMMY
Absolutely not. Look at the TV again.
DARNELL
Fine, I’m down a little now. But I’m still in first place by a lot and the vote count has doubled. I’m turning this off, the night’s over.
SAL
No it’s not. We’re watching this. Trust me, it’s for the good of your own campaign.
DARNELL
If you say so. Wow, look at that guy at the bottom. 0%! I swear if I even came close to 0% tonight I would drop out.
TOMMY
You might not want to say that.
DARNELL
And look at Hannah, 4% of the vote! Looks like I got the last laugh! Can I just give my victory speech now? You know what, I’m leaving the room to write it.
Darnell exits the room. An hour later, he returns with his speech ready.
DARNELL
How do you think this is for my speech: Hey everyone, thanks for supporting me, see you when I’m President!
CASEY
That’s it? Terrible. Also, you might want to look at the TV again.
DARNELL
They’re only showing the totals of three people. Are they showing the race for second? How pathetic.
SAL
Keep watching.
DARNELL
Hold up! 0.3%?! How did that happen?!
TOMMY
We told you, you can’t trust the very early results.
DARNELL
Wow. And to think, just an hour ago I said I would drop out if I did that badly. Times change quickly.
CASEY
Really Darnell?
DARNELL
I still have a chance! All I need to do is win the other states! I’m sure I’ll do better there.
TOMMY
Not according to the polls. And you need to stop ignoring them, they were right.
DARNELL
Big money night?
TOMMY
Nope.
SAL
On the bright side, people are playing Quizzical Quiz in droves after your talk show appearance with the proposal of your education plan, and you’re making income from that.
DARNELL
I had an influence then. I had an influence!
TOMMY
You’re right. Maybe your Presidential campaign is off to a slow start, to put it mildly, but you’d done a lot of good for the business.
DARNELL
You changed my mind. I need to drop out. I’ll put out a statement tomorrow. In the mean time, I have some calls to make.
Darnell reaches for his phone and calls Ronan.
DARNELL
Hey Ronan, it’s Darnell. I think it’s time for me to return to Quizzical Quiz. My Presidential campaign was a failure, but I’m more inspired than I’ve been in a while to work at the business again.
Darnell pauses while Ronan talks.
DARNELL
I’ll see you tomorrow, boss.